The Last Stand

A deceivingly serene dusk interrupted through the minarets blarin'

As defeaning soundwaves threatened to mute the silence

O Mighty Nation, listen as the world'd just lost her bravest of children

Completed his duties, called upon by the Lord of the lords, Most Benevolent

To pick a seat in the pantheons of thy beloved Brethrens

Risen white as doves in the resplendent Gardens of Eden

For he'd completed his tours with the highest degree of honours

For he'd swallowed the bitterest of nights, eerie, full of horrors

His storied tales polarize, confusing yet only to the Ignorami

Yet as crystal to the people on the right side of history, the You & Me

Victory or martyrdom, a cheque our soldiers wrote to one day cash

How do you hope to defeat something so mortally, loosely attached ?

Descending on the frontline, hereafter in front of the mind, with one soul to give

So alien is the concept to the ones entering battles actively seeking to leave

My man severed one hand only to pick it up and slap his enemies on rear ends

Defiant to his last stand and still fought like a berserker of a man 

As he met the Death's deathly gaze and greeted him as one would an old friend

Kill one Sinwar but a thousand Yahyas will take you to your foretold end.

I Miss My Friend

My friend's old man passed away last year and he shifted his entire life back to his hometown to take care of his solitary mom. I can respect that. I didn't expect however that I'd feel so sad. I just realized we kinda did loads of stuff together and now there'll be no more week end scary movies, early morning Roti Tsunami or just laughing banters. The Desa Petaling chapters of our life are now gone forever and I'm lonelier than ever.

Gosh

I read what I wrote. Gosh was I a pretentious twat. Hello 2022. Nobody's probably going to read this and it's the best fucking thing ever. Now I can have my Dear Diaries moment minus the writer's block. Because I am a validation seeking, chest beating pseudo ajet macho poseur. Kbai.

2:58 AM Thoughts

So I stumbled upon this quote on Tinder: Do better. Be better.

Here I am. Sleepy but resisting against a snoozefest. So here I am, wondering to myself, if the quote was actually designed to tell someone to basically go fuck himself, but nicely.

I mean the author literally told us to do Better. Okay now, off to go find myself an improvement.

Tidak Bertajuk

Wow.

I just realized that it's been more than two years since my last entry.

I've been meaning to come back but the saturation of self-validating channels through social medias means blogging are one of those things future grandparents will tell their future grand-kids they used to do when they were young somewhere in the near future. Probably in a highly glorified fashion. And the grand-kids would probably think it's a less intricate form of Tik-Toking. 

Anyways.

I actually intended to write about P. Ramlee. One of my heroes. My heart shreds in a thousand stinging shards whenever I stumble upon his pictures. His struggles and the injustice as well as the despicable way he was treated by the very people he was fighting for. 

But as a man who primarily rely on emotions (and a sense of panic) to get things moving, I would be lying to myself if I go ahead and write it because I just don't feel it. Not like just now.

Articulating the loudness of my inner monologues has a tendency to put things into perspective therefore logical conclusions is no longer a journey I aspire to make but a destination I've already arrive to.

Writers (or just me ? lol) don't write using our heads. We write using our hearts.

Edit: It's been 47 years since THE One & Only left us. Let us recite our Fatihah for the Arwah whenever we come across his stories or his work :(

Fat Journal 24 March 2018 - Milestone

Current weight: 66.9 kg

I finally hit the number 66 after a few months being more than 68 and over. Last I remember weighing 66 was I was back from Tasmania. Although that was an even number. I now weigh (as of this morning) 0.9 kg more.

It has been getting harder this thing with yesterday being the hardest by far. Mak cooked her never-disappoint chicken rendang and bubur jagung. I almost lost it I swear. I was like damnit why Mak ? Why ? And after me getting her to promise to never cook my favorite meals during this period and she did this! *insert crying emoji*

So yeah its getting fucking harder.

Shit, I remember being all excited before I start off last week. Now I know why I dread this shit so much in the first place. Coz it fucking sucks. The sugar craving. The cooking.

Damn. The cooking.

I'm enjoying the fact that with this diet regime I'm kinda forced to cook my own food and that somewhat gives me an insight to myself coz I never thought I had it. Well I don't had had it. Meals cooked by me are far from what you'd call nice even in moms' lazy days. But hey its edible and best of all is I know all the ingredients and I possess controls over its freshness.

Having to woke up somewhat early to prepare for the food is a fucking bother.

What else.

I know now I'm such a noob to actually be looking forward to this thing before I started last Monday. I was preoccupied with the destination and I fucking forgot that the journey is the hardest.

But I prevailed yesterday (and God was it hard, you dunno what its like to actually decline Mak's rendangs). So this looks, God willing, to be something I could persevere with. Something that I can at least see through the end (at least until I hit my ideal weight) or more. Something that I can actually finish for a while.

I'm a fucking starter but rarely do I finish.

Fat Journal 21 March 2018

Current weight: 68.5 kg

Started at 70.2 kilos on Monday (weekend weight lol) even though I mentioned 69 something during the first log.

Monday was all cream cheese day. Breakfast, lunch and dinner. Plus one 2 cup of decaf Nescafe (morning and night). 

I found out that Splenda is fucking superb. Not too much of an aftertaste like Stevia and definitely a lot sweeter.

Since first day was all cream cheese, naturally I had a craving yesterday and I swear I'll get that bread even if its the last thing I do. So as soon as I get home I roasted the flaxseed and couldn't find any patience in the process and thus I use a somewhat strong to moderate fires and my flaxseed smelt burnt. lol. But my sister tasted and she said its fine.

Then I get to grinding until it somewhat becomes something of a flour.

So the next thing is dough up the thing.

First try (yeah there's a second)

3 eggs

3 packs of splenda

15-17 gm of butter

A teaspoon of sodium bicarbonate

Half a spoon of vanilla essence

2-3 spoon of Psyllium husk

I was too lazy to bring down the oven and the airfyer was much too small for the mold I decided to use. So instead I put it in the microwave and since the microwave doesn't have any degree of control toward the temperature I decided to just go with it albeit using the same timing (22 minutes) suggested for oven cook.

Almost burned my mom's microwave. The whole house was covered in smokes. My God.

So I toss the pan and fry an egg sunny side up and wrap a cheese a la burito lah sangat pada hal frustrated that my first attempt at bread could seriously injure someone if thrown in high velocity. I could have hammered a nail with it.

So this around, the hunger pang somewhat subsided by my Burito Bodoh. I tried it, looking more properly this time.

Rupanya mamat yang tulis recipe tu ada bagi measurement but he left it at the end of his recipe. What a prick.

So this time around I tried it with a proper measurement

10 teaspoon of ground flaxseed (he suggested 16 but flat so I dunno)

4 eggs

15 gm of butter

A pinch of salt (tadi tak masuk punya lapaq tak perasan)

A teaspoon of vanilla essence

4 teaspoon of Psyllium husk

1 teaspoon of sodium bicarbonate

5 packs of splenda (he suggested 10 stevia but since splenda is splendid enough so yeah)

I put the dough in the magic pan and the result is quite satisfactory although it ended being somewhat sweet due to significant scent of the vanilla essence.

Next batch I will try to reduce the vanilla essence and play around with a little bit more salt and maybe bake the thing longer. ALSO, make it thinner its so fucking thick it barely fits the toaster.

Next: Salmon chapter. Too fucking lazy to type.

Fat Journal

Monday March 19, 2018 I will be starting my weight loss journey again. I currently weigh as of this morning 69.5 KG - an increase of 5.5 kilos from Raya. lol. Though unavoidable hospital admissions and ever increasing injuries have played a part - I have been pigging out like a - you guessed it, a Fakhrol.

So now I'm starting this again. 

Half Keto half Atkins.

If I manage to bring my weight down to 64 (ideally 63) I will get myself a Polaroid camera for my travels!

OK. Journal's first entry clocked.

Haih

Because I'm stupid and I still miss you. Fuck. What a prelude to 2018.

Dead Ends

2017's second book and we're right at her rear end and I'm still only on my second book. Boy have I been lazy.

Its a story about two boys, one's a smart but a hard-ass delinquent and the other, mentally challenged. As odd as pairing goes, these two boys manage to find more similarities than they would like to admit (well at least on the protagonist's side). 

To summarized: Boys with daddy issues.

God, I'm a fucking lazy bum.

The Very Best

‎August ‎25, ‎2007 at Sue's engagement more than 10 years ago. Look at how innocent we were. Now you yourself are getting married. 

Take care Haq.

I wish you nothing but the best. The very best.

You lovely thing.

Tangerine

You remind me of Tangerine from that movie with Jim Carrey in it. Damaged yet beautiful =)

Missing

Breaking away from someone isn't as straight forward as we want it to be. Deciding to walk away from the people that used to be so central in your life does not mean you do not miss them. At times unbearably so. So much so I found myself on more than an occasion, staring at your number or our chat window, struggling to stop myself from calling or texting you. 

You who came along and made everything seems like a breeze and walk away as freely. You who I didn't think in a million years would leave these much damage. You who I so sorely feel absence of. 

I miss you so much right now and the saddest part is you'll probably never know...

Books 2017 - The Alpha Male

My first completed book in 2017 and my, was it an annoying read.

First off let me start by saying how disappointed I got when I discovered that the book is actually just a collection of short stories instead of one. Fine. I'll concede, not through anyone's fault but mine. But hey what the fuck right ? Short stories could be fun.

No. Wrong. Dead wrong,

I was kinda hooked with the first story since I didn't know it yet at that time that this was gonna be a short story, so it didn't matter that the character was a self absorbed has-been actor who thinks far too greatly of himself. He has an entire 100 pages or so to redeem himself or so I thought. After all I am a sucker for a good 'Pheonix rising' story.

But no. The character stayed his asshole self and I wasn't even compensated with a good ending. It ended abruptly like I hope does the author's career.

On to the next stories. As if it hasn't been already unbearable, the author decided to put a little bit of fantasy / dark comedy spin to his already annoying assemblage of lukewarm self important jackasses. Don't get wrong I already don't dig dark comedy but adding that kind of insult to injury is just plain nasty.

I have never been so mad at a character or a book but I hated the book and by extension the author and the only reason I have persevered is because I wanna finish what I started and I already have like 3-4 books I have started and dropped for a while, as is customary with me. So there you go. Nak type bagi habis nie pun malas. 

So screw the author I hope he never touches another pen again in his life.

This Is How I Miss You

There is a place deep in the valleys

Hid by the mountains, white sheets of memories 

A place guarded by heart, hidden from sight hardened by the stones of melancholy. Should one wander far enough, stood once was a statue of You & Me.

You were a beautiful beautiful part of my life.

Thank you for being in it. No matter how brief it was.

You fantastic thing.

"Nothing Lasts Forever"

"You know what we should be ? Nothing. Because Nothing lasts forever!"

I care for the girl and all I manage to sound was like an asshole in what could probably our last encounter.

"If You Were A Vegetable, You'd Be Cute-cumber!"

I said to you.

You with your trademarked pokerface. I love you for that. You know too much, only that shrug of your shoulders, your attempt at playing the fool, it didn't fool me. You're too smart not to know what you're doing.

I don't know why these little things, these tiny memories are creeping and drowning my thoughts right now. There's a gathering of lukewarm pearly beads crowding my vision.

Fuck.

I love you.

Cerita Kotey

I was pissed about some things just now and get to thinking:

"Apesal kotey takde mulut ? So, you don't have to listen to cerita kotey"

Oh, I miss my bouts of randomness.

Many happy returns,

Fakhrol

Edit: You don't have to promise me the world. Just deliver on your promises. When you don't, and after speaking so poyo-ly, it really pisses me off. Lately incompetent nincompoops have been really pissing me off.

P.Ramlee & Rosyatimah Jasni, Ladies & Gentlemen

Thank God for this. Simply beautiful.

We Love You

Time. Death. Familial bond. 

Intricate concepts.

We weren't exactly close these past few years. She used to take me in to keep her youngest daughter company while we both were growing up. I was pretty close with Kak Na growing up. We used to be childhood play mates. I remember the little snitch planting fire crackers in a pile of cow dung only for it to prematurely explode and gotten my ass scolded and she escaped. Small chuckles on my lips when I remember that.

That's it.

Family expanding with marriages meant we kept to ourselves mostly. Not for the loss of love whatsoever. Its just that way.  If I'm honest there have been deaths of family members who I don't really feel the need to be there aside from the familial obligation I'm reminded to observe. I thought Mak Uda's passing is gonna be one of those.

But the sadness is profound. I have a niggling, stinging pain in my chest whenever my mind decided to take a little stroll down memory lane. In fact I'm a little bit teary as I'm typing this. Or whenever I encountered a picture of her, which is very rare, although not estranged, it kinda reminds me how kind of far we've grown apart as a family. 

I have no beautiful tributes to write in your memory. I just wanna say that your passing pains me in a way I don't know how to explain and I pray that you're in a better place right now. 

And if I'm granted a wish right now, its to see you for one last time and hug you and kiss you and say how much we love you.