I'm Sorry

To the friends, to the budding relationships that never was and to the people I have disappointed over the years. 

This one is for you. 

For those who know me well enough to smell a whiff of my deodorant (or the lack of it) you would know that I revere Friday. Friday evening to be exact. That feeling after you get off work before the weekend is simply - fantastic is understating it. I wanna cram everything in Friday. Time with friends and people you love hanging out with. Movies. Series. Problem is you only have so many hours in a day. That is why whenever I get the honor to set a meet up between friends Friday night will be my primary choice after Saturday's. I love dumping all fun activities on that few hours I have after clocking off on Friday.

But some of my friends, they are not bothered with the fact that tomorrow's a working day hanging on their conscience (OK conscience is apparently not really appropriate, but lets just stick with it for the theatrical effects, shall we ?). They are cool with it. And I've known some who only choose a weekday to lepak and that seriously ticks me off.

I never really knew why. But with the help of articles I found online. I now know that I am a recluse. Again, an overshoot - an introvert, to be exact. I've known to be social. I can be outgoing. I'd like to think that people love hanging out with me. So the all the boxes are checked. So why ? A recent article I found online reveals that between intro and extroverts, there are a few subcategories, and thereon comes the third of this - The Hybrid.

Hybrids are good at hiding their introversion. I mean they hang out with people and they like to do all the fun stuffs that extroverts love to do. But we also love the smell of our room and the warmth of our blankets.

That is why sometimes my friends found themselves in a really awkward situation when hanging out with me. I mean I was another person altogether having a smoke and a cup of Teh Tarik at mamak stalls but I was this anxious prick when they chose to hang out at the wrong time and when they wanna hang out at my place. Especially when they wanna hang out at my place. I get really uneasy when someone enters my domain. Yeah of course some of the stuffs I got here, you wouldn't show to your girlfriend's parents and all. But that's only the small part of it. Like when they stay in my room, try as hard as I could laughing and giggling but 90% of the time all I think of is when is this person gonna leave.

I know I sound like a prick. But believe me, its not you, its me. I don't not like you any less just because I am displaying these prickly behaviors. Its just that I get anxious and I dunno what to do.

Please forgive me.

I remember another instance. Few really nice chaps, taking me under their tutelage. I was really taking a liking to them. We only started hanging out for a few months then. And these are very successful people, not some MLM crackpots who drive Kancils and wanna lecture me about wealth (Sorry this isn't a slight to any of you Kancil drivers. I'm a proud owner of one). I learn a lot just by hanging out with them - they were adding some serious values to my life. But these guys, they lepak almost every Sunday night at TTDI to rub salt to the wounds. I was slowly dreading these meetings and eventually I stopped showing up altogether. I knew some of them were disappointed, pissed off and everything. I know. And they have every right to. But I just don't know how to explain my conditions to the others. 

Because of that I have some very weird, undefined type of friendships over the years. You lepak with these dudes like everyday at one point in your life and all of a sudden you fade into oblivion. These people whenever I see them, either dunno how to act or we act like we are just friends who have mutual friends.

It makes me sad a little bit.

I'm sorry guys. I know. I suck. And you have every right to ignore me. Be pissed about it. Its OK. Expressing what I feel is not one of my virtue. 

So I ran like a little girl.

Dear Mr. Van Gaal

Dear Mr. Van Gaal,

Hi. How are you doing ? I hope Manchester's balmy weather is treating you fine. I know this is just one of the hundreds and hundreds of letters you must have received on daily basis. But I want you to know that despite these onslaughts against you perpetrated by the medias, this fan from Malaysia have nothing but support for you. Its just quite sad that even some of our fans are buying into the medias bullying tactics. I think you're doing a mighty fine job and I hope you will stay your own man against all these odds and against all these naysayers saying how you should play so and so.

I know its tough to be your own man in the world increasingly demanding for conformity and I have nothing but the highest  respect for you for sticking to what you believe in.

Don't worry about some immature sections of the fans who would boo their own team. I'm sure those fans who went to away  matches in cold December night in Wolfsburg last night are right behind you, sir. The real fans. One of these days I would like to have an opportunity to support our team and breath in the legendary atmosphere of United's away matches myself.

United fan from Malaysia,

Fakhrol

Note: 

I want to send this letter to Mr. Van Gaal. And before I forgot the exact words of how I feel I think I should pin it somewhere. Yes, I am a master procrastinator. Hopefully I get to doing it first before my lazy by  nature nature caught me.

Note II: (before I forgot the address)

Mr. Louis Van Gaal
Manchester United Football Club Limited
Aon Training Complex
Birch Road off Isherwood Road
Carrington, Manchester M31 4BH

Himpunan Mana Maruah

This is a very smart post from one of these random posters off FB. What she said made me swim in seven seas of deep thoughts and contemplation.

9 Sultans.

1 Prime Minister

1 Deputy Prime Minister

And many more I just am too lazy to quote. So yeah.

9 Sultans.

1 Prime Minister

1 Deputy Prime Minister

All Malays.

So here's something she didn't say but I am.

If with all those positions of power and the Malays still require over protection and berhimpun sebab rasa maruah Melayu tercalar. Then the Malays are the most pussy of a race. The Malays need to take a long hard look at themselves. We are at where we are because we are what we are. 

Ah. Tapi aku letih. 

Assessment Time!

Everybody say Hi to Nico. She's a fat fat lard just like her owner!

I am not exactly giddy about the result. I skipped two workout sessions yesterday and the day before due to the strain caused by yoga (yes ladies and gentlemen I did yoga for the first time ever, more on that later), so that might have played a hand.

Just for recording's sake, I need to pin this down somewhere. 

Project: Atkins For A Week

Target: To reduce to at LEAST 67 kilogram

Duration: 7 days

Initial Weight: 72.8 kilogram

Result: 69 kilogram

Would you do it again in the future ? : I dunno

Was a success / failure : It pretty much feels like a failure.

Cause of success / failure : Lack of knowledge and proper planning on the dietary 

I might have unknowingly cheated my way through with all the tofus, burgers and hotdogs that I have been having this past one week due to my lack of knowledge of this dieting regime. So that too might have played a hand. I've grown to hate ayam bakar, its pretty funny this used to be one of my favourite thing in the world, chicken, yet you grow tired of it pretty quickly after having to basically force those white meat in your mouth with the support of plain water. Maybe the way I roast it. Coke Zero had been a huge friend in times of dire need. I finished two bottles of 1.5 L Coke Zero in a matter of 2 or 3 days. Hrm. What else.

Oh yes. Last but not least. I fucking hate every minute of it!

p/s: Now that I've finished rasa sayang pulak nak start consuming those treacherous carbs! Haih.

p/s/s: I hereby end the doomed Project Workout tag. A fucking unnecessary project that causes unnecessary stress. (read: failure to finish again. Story of someone else's life! :P)

Forever Within Numbered Days

I have so many movies I cannot tell you how many. I have so many of them I probably have some that I downloaded before I was born and haven't watched yet. I'm not exactly sure if I love movies or simply just the idea of it. Maybe downloading movies is my hobby after all.

None the matter.

So this morning after sahur, after last night's out - I innocently popped a movie to my plasma. It always help me sleep. Concentration. Be it books or this time around, movies.

Title of choosing could be anything really. After all I'm only trying to catch some sleep. After brushing aside all the cobwebs in drive H, I innocently double clicked The Fault In Our Stars a movie I downloaded about a year ago I think. 

Whoever the fuck penned this movie needs to be shot.

NEVER have I bawled so much waters from my droopy eyes. I cried so much you might think I had stepped on a Lego. 

Damnit Fakhrol you're such a girl!

But You Didn't

Borrowed off somewhere of course. Too beautifully tragic not to share.

Impressive

Man faked his own death before proposing to his girlfriend. He said he wanted to show her how empty life would be without him.

Wow. Talk about stuck up.

Wouldn't be surprised if he has a selfie of his own privates.

The Deja Post

Its weird.

A combination of tobacco inhalation, a slide open window and a few songs brought about.

Here I am.

Almost a decade past.

And a realization.

That after all these years.

After all those tears.

I still amount to nothing.

Deja is still a bitch. 

I Refuse To Be Defeated

"I refuse to be defeated"

That was what popped up at the top of my head while busting my ass off on the elliptical machine during the third interval from the total of four of my workout today. That is 2/3 of May Week 2 target. One more to go and the set weekly target will have been achieved.

But I digress.

I felt somewhat amazed that such honest persistence would come from someone who would always pick the easy way out. Why I said honest persistence is because that was the most immediate thing that came to my mind during the usually most enduring part of the workout, the third interval. 

See, as I've written before, I always felt like crying during these workouts and you can imagine the face that I make during those times and you would have been wise to avoid walking in front of the carnage. For from my facial expression, you could be forgiven for thinking that I was mourning a lost continent to a natural disaster. 

This entry will sound quite forced for I am totally not in the mood to write but I just have to note this interesting finding.

So as I was saying, right at the very moment I feel sorry for myself, making sad faces and all. All of a sudden, I guess quite accidentally, because I was so drained, I made a smug face and lo! When I did, all of a sudden my mood changes from pitying myself to one of defiance, thus, "I refuse to be defeated!"

There are a few observations I wish to share from this experience but I guess that will be for another day, another entry.

For now suffice to say that I am so proud of you Fakhrol.

Journey

this image brings a frighteningly uncanny resemblance of myself right now

To start when you have stopped a while is always hard. Especially for someone like me. When I am invested in something there's practically nothing that can stop me from doing what I'm meant to do. But when I've stopped for a stint, that's when starting up is like dragging a hundred tonne cargo ship. 

Unlike running on the treadmill back then, these taxing workouts require me to rest at least for a day in between two workouts. Two days are ideal. I failed to meet up April's Week 4 and 5 targets. Thus, May is the month where I will cover the lost days, so I went 4 times in May Week 1, slashing the lost days to two. However, since 4 times feel somewhat taxing I took an initially planned 2 days rest which eventually ended up being 4 -_-"

It wasn't that I planned to skip them. I have in fact been readying my mental and to a degree, physical state to start only for other factors to catch up and eventually dragging me. One thing to note - or not to (since I knew this all along anyways) - is that procrastination will eventually lead me to skip the sessions altogether. What I need to do is just drop every fucking thing and get on the elliptical machine to avoid getting stuck on the computer screen and not able to enjoy it anyways, worrying and cursing my own weak mental state.

Sesungguhnya aku benci akan workout ini.

But its the shortest and the most effective route.

Progress, if I am honest, is basically none because for every step I took forward I leaped 5 backwards. After the trip to Penang I have not been careful with the stuffs I put inside my mouth.

Sniffs sniffs :(

All in all I am actually back to square one. In a careless moment I can still hear the sound of my own breathing. That means I am like super gemok right now and I hate it. But I have a good feeling about this one, here I am 2 months into my stop-start journey and I am still at it.

Sekian. Sebuah journal.

Lions Might Sleep Tonite But I Might Not

I've always been fascinated by Africa and its wilderness. Its animals, lions mostly just send me with shrills like a school girl watching some K Pop tards in person. I have always been wondering about the safari packages available. Tho I've never really thoroughly researched it. Guilty. Mostly because the fund simply isn't there yet.

But African deserts, like Paris are two destination one day I wish to visit.

Pix taken without owner's consent from BBM group FB. Hope he's OK with it. Well. If  he finds out. If. Ever.

And tell me if you don't get excited to be living and sleeping in a place like this where a mere flip of  the straw flooring might bring about endless and endless possibilities. I'm so giddy by the thought I feel like I can berak next week's shit right now.

:)

Tak tahan dugaan. Happy camper I am a such. 

Up next - The Batpod.

On Hold

Project Workout has to be put on hold for a bit coz I think I may have injured myself. If experience has taught me anything in the past, rushing things out, pushing yourself when you're supposed to let nature take its course and let it heal will almost always bring about negative consequences. 

Back then when I was chasing my 'ideal' weight I will always push through the pain, you thought you were being persistent when you're just being an idiot. It always ended up in a extended, prolonged duration of hiatus. Totally unnecessary if I would have just listened to what my body was telling me.

Today my body is telling me that there's a stabbing pain whenever I climb down the stairs (just weird its not climbing up), so I will listen to it. But not too long please.

Now I have to reshuffle my schedule to negotiate my way past this injury. Two more workout sessions pending in April Week 4.

Sighs. Rainy days. Lazy days. 

:)

After the super busy finals week where as mentioned in prior entry, high intensity workout is just too taxing, I went 4 days without working out. Hence, Project Workout was at risk of being another one of those in the long lines of projects to be labelled 'Work In Progress'.

I could be happy with myself alas, with just 3 days to spare to enter April's Week 4, I managed to meet the minimum target of at least working out 3 times in a calender week. 

Hence the Project Workout Schedule now looks a little bit more like a progress journal.

So now tonite am gonna stuff my tummy with stuffs I will probably regret 2-3 days from now.

Viva la Revolución!

After a couple of weeks of living like reclusive hobo battling last minutes assignments and a truckload of, semester worth of formulas in one night, I can finally see the rays of sun shining through my bedroom window again. I am finally ready to rejoin the human population.

So here's a few things I plan to do today:

1. Clean my room

2. Clean the hamsters' room

3. Workout

4. Assemble some Gundam backlog

But.

I will probably do none of those things and instead, will sit on my ass daydreaming about stuffs and toys I wanna buy next but will probably end up buying tomorrow. And I will probably plan about planning things I wanna plan next.

Viva la Revolución!

PKR Dungu

Heheh. Am still up because tomorrow there's a paper called Banking Operation which basically is just non stop tirades about banking activities in Malaysia from the fixed depo sampai la MIDF. Just to belagak and show off terms I just come to know after 3 to 4 months worth of semester :D

I've covered pretty much 3.5 - 4 past year paper. So now am feeling all confident. Bajet boleh lepas. In Sha Allah. Will cover a little bit more I guess but now my tummy is drumming war songs and I think Megi would be the most viable source of energy but I have been quite strict with my nocturnal diet of late, limiting mouth exercises to only one fruit worth of carb per night. Malam ni langgar habis dah sebab Mak masak dalca kari terbaik dari ladang. But I figure its OK since I'll be up until late. Who knew when you're 'up until late' you get into another cycle of hungriness.

Btw the title of the post is totally unrelated. Anyway I have been seething against PKR for quite some time now but lately I think they're getting dumber and dumber. Kalau dah bodoh. Research results dengan personal opinion pun tak boleh nak beza. Heheh.

Ingat nak reply je tadi but since I have promised myself to stop these petty campaigns against the tak-boleh-diselamatkan I'll just post it in my blog then. My personal blog. My personal opinion.

Earth To Fakhrol

This here is another vicious cycle of lazi-ass-ness. 

I have been too preoccupied with the preparations of my examinations. Therefore, high intensity workout just will not do since it taxes too much of energy for me to even stay awake during the burning of the midnight oil. I am fucking tired. Even now I can still feel the weariness, residue of mentally and physically going all out. Alas, the fate of last minute study warriors. A spent force. But you still have to keep going.

I NEED to do it today and tomorrow if I were to follow my meticulously-lah-sangat planned workout schedule.

But as always. I hate it. I dread every fucking minute of it.

But the Positive Fakhrol keeps reminding me that I can edit this post after.

I guess that helps a little bit. Knowing that you can journalize the experience. Both the resenting of the workout and the feeling of doing it anyway. 

I'll see you in 30 minutes time. Or another 3 years, if procrastination got in the way.

Go go Last Minute Study Warrior!

I Don't Wish This To My Worst Enemy

If I could say so, I was once, sort of a staunch Anwar supporter. But after his theatricals and stupid antics. I start questioning whether or not he is the man for the job to lead a healthy opposition for Malaysia. And a developed country does not require a good opposition. They NEED it.

The negative connotation of the word 'Pembangkang' had left some good section of Malaysians naively making them the bad guys. There's no bad or good guys in politics. Or at least it shouldn't be. Both the government and opposition members are the elected members of the parliament who should be representing the rakyats for the rakyats. So whatever difference they have in the parliament - say I may not agree on A and he might not agree on B. But we both must agree that both A & B are conceived solely for the good of rakyat in mind.

But what happen in Malaysia ?

Political persecution isn't just unhealthy. It's selfish.

Kau marah aku sebab aku kata kau rasuah. Then buktikan la yang kau tak rasuah. Ini tak. Aku kata kau rasuah ko tangkap aku.

And before we go any further, we must also acknowledge that our opposition is far from perfect. They love to get into petty squabbles and cakap pakai mikrofon benda-benda yang boleh cakap kat telefon.

But for all their imperfection. They are OUR opposition. Even though bodoh & naive at times, I'd like to think that opposition works for the betterment of the rakyats. And what do these people dapat pun in return of their loud mouthed approach. Only scorns from the very people they are trying fight for.

Again. I don't intend to make our opposition sounds babyish, silky white with delicate wings on their backs. They're NOT.

But all the more reason to ponder my next point:

An honest government has got nothing to fear from such a shamble of an opposition. Kalau ko baik, ko tak payah risau pun tahi-tahi yang orang baling tu akan lekat dekat baju ko.

So why then, I ask - the political persecution ?

If we are targeting homos now, should we start sweeping just around KL ? Gays don't fucking hide nowadays. Some people doesn't have any qualms to mengaku dorang gay. But this guy, against all odds, after all denials. The charges still stick.

But. Ah lantak la. Am getting to the point.

Gambar kat atas ni sebenarnya point aku. Sorry I took like 538,000 words just to arrive to a single point. Gambar kat atas nie sebenarnya buat aku sangat sebak. Apa dosa wanita-wanita nie kita pisahkan depa dari bapak depa ? Isteri yang kehilangan suami. Anak-anak yang kehilangan bapak. Cucu yang kehilangan tokwan. 

And most importantly.. *sighs*

Seorang lelaki berumur yang kehilangan segalanya.

Apa jadah nak jadi dengan kita nie. And kalau kita redha dengan benda-benda macam nie.

Anwar had his faults. And aku makin meluat lepas Selangor MB punya fiasco. But.

NOBODY deserves this.

And orang kata kalau betul dia buat. Apa yang betulnya ? Kita bukan dakwa dia dekat mahkamah syariah. Mahkamah syariah requires saksi-saksi yang cukup syaratnya. And kalau orang tu tak mengaku sampai sudah, ada cara lain pulak.

Ni mahkamah manusia bos. Kalau pure syariah court yang hukum dia and he's found guilty then let him rot in jail for the entirety of his age. Tapi kalau mahkamah manusia nie, hearsay. Aku kata ko buat. Ko kata aku buat. And ada pulak orang ketiga yang kata "Hrm, OK memang ko salah"

Baiklah.

Panjangnya aku mengomel.

Takpelah. Mahkamah manusia ada. Mahkamah Tuhan lagi power. Kalaulah, ditakdirkan beliau tak buat seperti apa yang dituduh. Maka jawablah esok dengan yang Maha Kuasa. Air mata isteri, air mata anak-anak. Tangisan cucu. And mostly dosa-dosa orang yang terlibat secara tak langsung kalau mereka mengiyakan atau memadankan muka si yang teraniaya.

Tah la mungkin aku berat sebelah sebab political inclination aku. Tapi bukan ini caranya kita buat dekat orang. I don't wish for this to happen to my worst enemy.

Untuk Segalanya

A friend forwarded me this.

Sedih.

Terima kasih Malaysia Airports. 

Untuk segalanya.

Thank You 2014

You know I didn't plan on writing this post. This new year-y post. I'm not a big fan of these 'azam baru' themed writings and sayings. For me, the passing of one year to the next is just some more additions to the numbers that I will be filling at the 'age' column in some BR1M form or whatever. Just formalities. But whatever.

But then I got up this morning and the first article I read mentions Steven Gerrard's slip: A fucking fail (well, I might have added a few superlatives here and there, but you get the drift).

After a so-so personal year and my Duly Beloved crashing out of the Premier League contention as early as the start of 2014. Top that up with Liverfuckingpools fans constantly reminding us of our failures. And to watch them gloat day in day out, understandably so, after years and years of mid table mediocrity. Not to fucking mention the elephant in the room, the pitiful fact that they HAVE NEVER fucking won the Premier League. I got up and thank God for Stevie G, the slipper.

2014 may have been plain, bordering on bad. But that slip alone. Enough to put a broad smile on my face. What makes the slip so special is the fact this dumb cunt had made a glorious Lord of The Rings kind of speech prior to the slip, thinking that he's running away with the title. So to celebrate the end of a good year.

Here's the transcript of the speech:

"This does not fucking slip now. This does not fucking slip now. Listen. Listen. This is gone. We go Norwich exactly the same. We go again. Come on!!!!"

Then he slipped.

And the rest is, as the say history.

To look at those cheering Liverpool fans. Taunting celebrations as if they had won it. Ha ha. What a joy to behold, the dumbfounded, befuddled feces, I mean faces.

If 2014 was a girl, she's a thick glassed 5.5 or a 6 at best. But when you take away the glass, she suddenly is the talk of the town. A girl next door who you never knew existed is making you hide behind the counter, scared shitless to go talk to her and making a fool out of yourself.

Yep, 2014 was a plain year. But when you put that slip alone. 2014 has been a wonderful wonderful year.

So to commemorate what has been a wonderful year. Here are some of the best reactions from the internet in regards of the almighty slip.

Gerrard's heat map. Whoever came up with this is just plain genius.

Another very good one.

HAHAHAH. Come Ryan. Cut the boy some slacks.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

And to end on a high note

2014. Wow.