15 years ago. Me, a new transfer student. And there was this girl, checking out my calculator. Giving me a somewhat sideway looks and didn't say a word. She may have thought that she was a delinquent or maybe she was trying to look cool in front of this new kid. Me, I was only too nervous about my hair doing a cameo in front of this cute girl therefore ruining her first impression.
That was my very first memory of you.
Fast forward, You and me. Man and a woman.
It's happened before. But this time around it looked like Facebook isn't giving up on reminding me. The picture of us with my mom in the middle during Hafiz's wedding. It's like a video of a painful memory playing on a loop. I know the feelings will pass but I know that this time it wouldn't just fizzle away like many a times before.
I had to see you. After what I did. It was selfish of me. I know.
Forgive me.
I didn't know what I was looking for but I had to see you.
There was something in the demise of our relationship that still pains me. That I had severed it unlike a man. A man would have had the balls and strength to say those things to you to your face. But I wasn't half the man I always portray myself to be.
We didn't have closure you and me. My actions denied us that. My selfish actions.
I had my reasons but there is simply no forgiveness in ending something that used to be so central in my life with a few drops of thoughtless texts.
At the risk of sounding like a broken record, please forgive me.
I know it took me two years. Two years two late. Apologies long overdue. These past two years I thought I had maybe grown a bit, thinking there might just be a silver lining of hope. Two years away and thinking I had grown. I thought that maybe, just maybe we could, you know... That something was still there.
I was a fool and I still am the naive snot-nose that I thought I outgrew.
You found someone.
And that is perfectly okay.
Malicious as I am I know I am happy for you. I am glad that it is him. In the perfect storm of your life, you found so sturdy a vessel. And from the bottom of my black heart, I am happy for you.
Congratulations HAQ.
Through these blurry eyes, via these my muffled screams and through these thousands of apologies, I would not deny myself gratitude. Thankfulness.
That for a while there, you were mine. For whatever little chances given to me and for however spectacularly have I squandered them.
Thank you HAQ.
For the many smiles.
For the many tears.
Thank you.
Know that you were MY inspirations. The stars in my nights. The many reasons of my near frowns.
