Saturday, March 18, 2017

Friday, January 27, 2017

We Love You



Time. Death. Familial bond. 

Intricate concepts.

We weren't exactly close these past few years. She used to take me in to keep her youngest daughter company while we both were growing up. I was pretty close with Kak Na growing up. We used to be childhood play mates. I remember the little snitch planting fire crackers in a pile of cow dung only for it to prematurely explode and gotten my ass scolded and she escaped. Small chuckles on my lips when I remember that.

That's it.

Family expanding with marriages meant we kept to ourselves mostly. Not for the loss of love whatsoever. Its just that way.  If I'm honest there have been deaths of family members who I don't really feel the need to be there aside from the familial obligation I'm reminded to observe. I thought Mak Uda's passing is gonna be one of those.

But the sadness is profound. I have a niggling, stinging pain in my chest whenever my mind decided to take a little stroll down memory lane. In fact I'm a little bit teary as I'm typing this. Or whenever I encountered a picture of her, which is very rare, although not estranged, it kinda reminds me how kind of far we've grown apart as a family. 

I have no beautiful tributes to write in your memory. I just wanna say that your passing pains me in a way I don't know how to explain and I pray that you're in a better place right now. 

And if I'm granted a wish right now, its to see you for one last time and hug you and kiss you and say how much we love you.


Sunday, January 01, 2017

2016 Wrap - Books


My short attention span and my obsession with new things means that I get tired of them fairly quickly (books, songs, food, people :P etc). I may have started a couple or more books which I never did finish thus could never be counted as 2016's reads.

So in come the eve of 2017 and the end of 2016. I was only at my third book and a half. Which is, well since I'm such an uptight, feels a little bit not OK. I remember talking from my five storey horse, declaring that I wanna finish at least four or five books per year, so no matter how sucky or without progress my life had been the previous year, I will have the sense that something was achieved. Some progresses, no matter how minor had been made. So three and a half feels a little bit like a failure and I need no such reminder that my life has been a relatively stark one at that. Well, no not really a failure per se, but for theatrical purposes lets just roll with it k ? Sheesh.


So a few months back I had started this book The Glass Palace. Seemingly innocent and captivating enough to get me started and actually hooked. But as is common with me, since berak is for me a really enjoyable experience and I kinda cherish them. One, for the obvious fact that you know, its berak. C'mon people. Secondly, I get to read them books I have stashed on the towel lines in the upstairs bathroom. But this is also the reason that it has taken me this long to finish this book. So yesterday, before 2016 breathed its last breath, I vowed to get me my fourth book to salvage what has been a well, now that I think about it, 2016 is actually an OK year for me. LOL. But yeah, to make it more OK than it has been towards me. I had to get my fourth no matter what. So I read basically half the book in just one day, give or take the same amount of pages that took me months to finish.I was like why the fuck is the book taking such a long time to end and right after I was done, on the cover it says 'a story of three generations' LOL.

Mental note: Should have pick a slimmer book next if the purpose was just to meet the quota. (Not taking away anything from the book though. It's fucking gorgeous!) 

So fuck my rambling self, here's a recap of 2016 reads. 

Yay!




May 2017 be a kinder year, book wise :)

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Vive Le Resistance!



There's something about death that fascinates people. Their actions nicer. Their images somewhat softer and their words,  all of a sudden much truer. 

Here's to the Resistance. The Princess of all Princesses.

"I looked over at him. A hero’s face — a few strands of hair fell over his noble, slightly furrowed brow… How could you ask such a shining specimen of a man to be satisfied with the likes of me?”

- Carrie Fisher 1956 - 2016

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

You Were...


15 years ago. Me, a new transfer student. And there was this girl, checking out my calculator. Giving me a somewhat sideway looks and didn't say a word. She may have thought that she was a delinquent or maybe she was trying to look cool in front of this new kid. Me, I was only too nervous about my hair doing a cameo in front of this cute girl therefore ruining her first impression.

That was my very first memory of you.

Fast forward, You and me. Man and a woman.

It's happened before. But this time around it looked like Facebook isn't giving up on reminding me. The picture of us with my mom in the middle during Hafiz's wedding. It's like a video of a painful memory playing on a loop. I know the feelings will pass but I know that this time it wouldn't just fizzle away like many a times before.


I had to see you. After what I did. It was selfish of me. I know.

Forgive me.

I didn't know what I was looking for but I had to see you.

There was something in the demise of our relationship that still pains me. That I had severed it unlike a man. A man would have had the balls and strength to say those things to you to your face. But I wasn't half the man I always portray myself to be.

We didn't have closure you and me. My actions denied us that. My selfish actions.

I had my reasons but there is simply no forgiveness in ending something that used to be so central in my life with a few drops of thoughtless texts.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, please forgive me.

I know it took me two years. Two years two late. Apologies long overdue. These past two years I thought I had maybe grown a bit, thinking there might just be a silver lining of hope. Two years away and thinking I had grown. I thought that maybe, just maybe we could, you know... That something was still there.

I was a fool and I still am the naive snot-nose that I thought I outgrew. 

You found someone.

And that is perfectly okay.

Malicious as I am I know I am happy for you. I am glad that it is him. In the perfect storm of your life, you found so sturdy a vessel. And from the bottom of my black heart, I am happy for you.

Congratulations HAQ.

Through these blurry eyes, via these my muffled screams and through these thousands of apologies, I would not deny myself gratitude. Thankfulness.

That for a while there, you were mine. For whatever little chances given to me and for however spectacularly have I squandered them.

Thank you HAQ.

For the many smiles.

For the many tears.

Thank you.

Know that you were MY inspirations. The stars in my nights. The many reasons of my near frowns.

To my best friend.

Friday, November 11, 2016

Book Updates!!!



2017 menjengah around the corner. Finally finished the book. This book and the other, somewhat make me feel a little bit tired with UK writers. They could drag the whole story around the bush telling you about nothing and they could do that, amazingly in 300 pages. 

The Normal Me would have quit long time ago. But I want to be a finisher. I wanna finish things I have started. So I soldiered on. 

Not to say that it's an entirely bad book, but the best parts, the parts that somewhat moved you were in the last hundred pages or so. Dang!

Look, I'm no expert to review books and stuffs. But damnnnnnn!

OK. Whatever.

Third book of 2016. Yay!

And still a month and a half away for at least one more book or a head start for 2017. Whichever comes first.

Please pardon the title. I'm a hopeless romantic, the little girl inside me cries for these corny, mushy stuffs. 

So there.

Monday, October 24, 2016

And Heart Is...




If ever we shall meet again in a universe parallel
Would you still call me Darlink, can I still call you Angel ?

Would you still love me if the circumstance we meet was different ?
Would you take my hand and ride off to a sunset in that rusty wagon ?

Would you laugh at my silly jokes or have you always knew ?
Dumb as I may joked I have NEVER when I said that I love you

If we were strangers brushing each other's shoulders on a train
I wonder if you would catch me staring from the opposite lane

I have said Hello to you so many times that I lost count
Though most of it happened in my mind & just outside of a frown

Hence if a day comes memory fails me & my mind shredded to pieces
I'll find my way back because home is where the heart is; 

And heart is wherever she is.

Friday, October 21, 2016

Mak...


With friends. Guy friends. Fuck you. Fuck me. Then we are not even bothered to shake hands. We go on. With the girls, well a little bit more complex. But we talked it out. Bam! We go again. With siblings. I fucking hate you you demonstrate exactly the same amount of hatred towards me, but if you would find yourself in a fight, you know I'll be there in your corner more than to wipe off the blood from your wounds, sweat and tears - I would help you deliver the killing blow and later help you hide the body.

With partners, well a story for anoother time. Well, they're you know, partners.

But with our Moms.

Its always a little bit extra delicate. You love her. You hate her. She disses you. You're angry. But you always come back. I wish I could be angry at my mom for a little bit longer. But I never can't.

So here's what I promise what I will try to do.

I will love you unconditionally.

No matter our differences. No matter our disagreements. I will always love you. So I'm gonna do what I have to do no matter how seemingly unpretty, so that I could love you. Simply because I love you Mak. And I will always do no matter how much I seem to contradict these words.

And I hope you know that. I dunno how frankly, what with me being the biggest asshole there is to you. But I hope you do. But I'll guess you'll never find it out from me.

Your ungrateful son.

Monday, October 03, 2016

Au Revoir Mouna


I guess I was never really good at expressing my feelings. Not verbally at least. I write poems and throw tantrums or I freeze somebody off when I'm angry.

Truth of the matter is I feel a lot. I'm actually quite devastated that Mouna will be leaving GHR for good and I dunno why. I was a newcomer. Apparently who's who in the ranking of the boss' favourites has already been established long before I decided to come in. 

Nonetheless, her departure fills me with grief I fail to describe. 

But all I could muster as parting words are just jokes - and deflective banters. Stupid sense of humor. They mask everything. Fucking everything. Whereas all I wanted to say was how I'm gonna miss her and I wish nothing but the very best for her, but also if she could come back one day, please do.

And for all that incredible capacity for emotions all my stupid self could muster was "Take care, Mouna." as I try to convey as much as I could through my eyes.

And of course putting on my best looking idiot face in what could probably be our last picture together.


You fucking stupid moron Fakhrol.

Au revoir, Mouna!

Sunday, September 11, 2016

Book Updates

2016 is nearing an end. No firecrackers, no flashlights and no half naked girls congratulating me on my achievements for the year yet. Most probably due to the fact that I don't have any.

And United kalah. By that smugface mukababi Pep Guardiola.

But as is customary with yors truly, I started off reading something and finished another thing altogether. 


Whatever.

This. My second book of the year. All that extra hours in the toilet paid off I guess. So hrm, the title. Fuck it. A book is a book. I hope I came out a little wiser even after reading such a book. Not gonna review it. Too fucking lazy.

Laters you fucking punks.