Talking To Myself.

In pursuit of a more chameleon-ish, politically & socially irresistible personality. I am so afraid of losing the essence that made me who I am. The essence that got me celebrated as a non-celebrity. Can't be appreciated by all notwithstanding, I appreciate and love the way they do when they love me. They love that cocky, no-holds-barred asshole with punchlines and comebacks up his sleeve. Crass though he is, that's who he is. That's what made him - HIM.

And that was what was appreciated. And I love it.

But comes by a time when he realized that there was a hidden angle to this whole alter ego thing. And he decided to add yet another dimension to his personality's Tree of Life. He was this stuttering, self hating mofo who sweats whenever he met a stranger regardless of the social setup a couple years back. And he's now able to stand in front of a crowd, look them in the eyes - alas, with speech impediments here and there. Fumbling here and there. But hey who would've thought right ?

Cockiness and a mixture of funnies have done a great deal for me. Its not everyday that I win friends, there are some girls who still turn to the other cheek whenever I'm within a breathing radius. But trust me I've had some great times and people down the road, equipping myself with this newly found edge. For me, this game is whether you soar your ass up high or you fall down to the pit, straight into Dungeon Dragon. There's no middle ground.

Thus when I repel people, I'm doing a much better job than insect repellent a bug.

But that was back then. 5ive in a matter of a year or 2 was a feat I never thought I'd live to smell when I was thinking of marrying off a girl I'd force myself onto. Or in a more civic sense, rape, back then.

Hence I'm reminding myself to constantly remind myself of who I am. Who I really am. And what has taken me thus far. DO NOT ever dispel what have made me a happier man now. Its practically a process of moving it from the center of my universe to an integrated part of WHO I AM.

This was a reminder from Raizzen, The Cocky Asshole who's got this in-built craving to make the mockery out of your spluttering non-sense, to his new personality celestial body.