Thanks

So many things I wished I could say to you.

I know I have disappointed you. I know that I have let my ego get the better of our relationship. But I hope despite these hostilities and boundaries, that I have left something positive. And I hope that I have made at least something a little better than before you have met me.

I know you made me a better person than I was before.

So many things I wish I could say to you but if I have to wrap them all up in a phrase..

Thank you.

Hurt

There's so many things I wish I could explain to you but I just don't know how. So many words I wanna say to you but I don't know which shall suffice.

But I have never intended for you to be pained. For you are my MOST cherished. My past. My Present. My One & Only.

I know I have caused you pain. But know this, NEVER have I intended for you to get hurt.

For I love you.

And I love you so much it fuckin' hurts.

Umrah Terakhir Kami

"Umrah terakhir bersama isteri tersayang sehari sebelum meninggal. Suasana ceria pagi tu tiada tanda2 yang saya akan di tinggalkan. Kami telah bertekat untuk membuat umrah tahun ni sebelum ke haji. Rupa2nya dia meninggal semasa umrah.

Saya yakin ini merupakan hadiah yang teristimewa untuk arwah kerana Allah telah memanggil untuk di kebumikan di tanah haram. Takdapat di bayangkan betapa terharunya perasaan ini dalam sekelip mata isteri tersayang sudah tiada. Mashallah tak dapat menahan airmata semasa sama2 dengan puluhan ribu jemaah masjidil haram menyembahyangkan arwah, saya memang terkenal dgn sikap tabah dan kental tapi rupa2nya tertewas dengan peristiwa tersebut, moga2 Allah memberi jannah kepada arwah.

Terasa terlalu sunyi perasaan ni, semangat terlalu rendah tertapi syukur anak2 ada di sisi utuk menampung kesedihan. Betapa kuasa Allah mengetasi segala2nya, diri yang sihat tiba2 dimatikan. Tiada terduga bagi hambanya bagi segala kesudahan, akhir kalam kita di mana dan bagaimana. Allah maha besar yang mempunyai kuasa menghidup dan mematikan.

Untuk arwah ini adalah khidmat terakhir saya walaupun dengan hati yang berat, berusha menguruskan pekebumian isteri tersayang, ya Allah hanya kau saja yang yahu betapa berat hati ini menanggung ujian ini, process mendapat pelepasan dari kedutaan malaysia merupakan ujian pertama kerana tiada surat sokongan yang lengkap tapi kuasa Allah mengatasi segalanya, beratus kali doa di baca meminta pertolongan Allah dan syukur semua pemasalahan di ringgankan, paling teruji ialah mendapat slot menyembahyang di masjidil haram, syukur segala rintangan yang getir dapat di atasi dengan pertolongan Allah.

Ya Allah hamba Mu bersyukur dapat bersama2 sembahyang jenazah bersama puluhan ribu kemaah.

Khidmat terakir diri ku untuk arwah dari menyusung jasat tersayang ke masjidil haram hinggalah mengangkat jenazah ke lahat, tak dapat menahan airmata dari berlinang namun aku kuatkan semanggat, terasa susah sanggat kali ini untuk mengekalkan semanggat yang hampir2 tiada, sungguh hairan betapa aku yang berjiwa keras ni jadi longlai dan terkapai2 meniti minit2 yang terlalu singkat.

Ya Allah kau tempatkan lah roh isteriku bersama para salihin dan ya Allah tenangkan hati ku dan anak2 berserta org2 yg sayangi beliau. Ya Allah cucurilah rahmat keayas arwah dan kami semua. Ya Allah kau kembalikan lah semanggat waja ku supaya aku dapat mengharungi sisa2 hidup ini. Amin"

Stumbled upon this heart shredding piece by the late Kak Nurul's husband. Its hard to contain these pearly beads from falling.

Fuck This SH

NEVER. In my 30 years of life have I felt quite like this. When I started watching United, Cantona was still plying his trade. That smug on his face. The spiked collar. The air of nonchalance and somewhat arrogant celebration of his. Those images, imprinted so strongly in my mind that the choice was easy. United is the team for me. In a time when there was no Astro, only highlights of games. Cantona's brilliance meant United is my one and only. That was during the 90's. The good old 90's when United really start to stamp their dominance in English football and long to continue.

I was born in an era of United's dominance, or more that I start following them during their successful first charges towards dominance. United that I know is practically an ark, so strong, so sturdy, so resilient so not willing to die without inflicting substantial damages first towards the opponents. 

Days like these are like an alien. These feelings are so alien to me right now.

---

There goes my Isnin. MU seri. Felt more like kalah. In all truthfulness, lebih baik la MU kalah. So that some people may finally open their eyes. So lost am I at words, sampai bila kepala aku terhantuk kat besen kat bilik air pun, aku rasa nak bertumbuk dengan besen tersebut.

United. Oh United. Never in my 30 years of 

---

I refused to edit what ever the fuck that I have typed for. Ah fuck this writing shit. Am done so fucking done. 

Melayu

The state this country is in. A 12 year old got hit on her head by a golf ball and all we could debate is the fact that she is not a citizen, thus the right for our hospital to refuse treatment for her. 

What ? Why ? How ? 

Saddened doesn't even to begin to describe how the fuckin fuck I feel right now. What happened to us, really what the fuckin fuck happened to us goddamnit ?

A 12 YEAR OLD! Dear God. Save us all from hellfire. 

The state that my race is in right now. We label our fellow human being 'Pak Itam' for being a little darker skinned than us. Macam la kita ni putih sangat. And we treat them like second class human being. As if we are somehow superior in some ways. As if our life is worth more than him in some monetary terms.

The state that my race is in right now. 

An incident witnessed first hand by an Indian friend of mine, a Pakistani guy approached a group of Malay dudes, selling fake leather goods. All of them took a belt each, paid him twenty ringgit, half the original price and they chased the Pakistani guy away. They said to him that the item is fake anyways and he isn't even legal. My good Samaritan friend approached the Pakistani guy and bought a fourty Ringgit wallet for 50 bucks. He refused to take it but my friend insisted and hope that it can erase any sort of grudge they got, if any, towards those guys. The Pakistani guy was overwhelmed. He sat down, said a prayer and cried.

Where does this unfounded superiority complex come from, one can only guess. Tell me when was the last time any Malays have done something that all of us Malaysians, Muslims and Nons alike, can be proud of to grant us such arrogance ?

That I Have Arrived

Its this sort of thing, finding something at the least expected time, at a lesser expected place. My heart was practically tugged seeing that which contains what which contains.

A step is just a step but this is to be the step in which all bridges burned, all second guesses turned. 

An obituary for second thoughts, set stationary are the epitaphs, the tombstone its final resting place.

I have looked forward to this day, yet I cannot say that I have arrived.

Sombre

Today as I was sitting at my workstation, taking off my jacket. The speaker blared an announcement,. Its our HR department.

"Dukacita dimaklumkan bahawa Puan Nurul Asyikin Shuib telah pun kembali ke rahmatullah semalam.."

My chest painful. 

My stomach feel like somebody just tangled all its contents into one big knot. 

It felt unreal.

The smiling Kak Nurul, those droopy eyes with the depth unfathomable as if they know what turbulence is running havoc in your mind right. I won't see that again. I was so distracted, until the voice of the girl manning the counter "Ye Encik, nak apa ?" shake me off my distraction. I had neither the cash nor any idea what did I want for breakfast, hence I left.

Jackasses

I woke up this morning to find my pillows wetted. I think I was crying a little bit last night. This is so painful. How could this have happened ? After all these times ? My eyes pudgy, blood shot, staying through the course of the night, reminiscing the good times. 

My friends, they care and are worried for me. They asked me how was I holding up and they let it be known that they are there if I should ever feel like talking things through with some going a stretch further than the others. And they didn't exactly make it subtle either. Constantly lingering, ever compassionately reminding me that BEING A UNITED FAN SUCKS NOW.

A club switching form ? Goddamn them.

Mera Nam Joker

Words cannot cannot describe how frustrated I am now. 

OK. Laters.