I Miss My Friend

My friend's old man passed away last year and he shifted his entire life back to his hometown to take care of his solitary mom. I can respect that. I didn't expect however that I'd feel so sad. I just realized we kinda did loads of stuff together and now there'll be no more week end scary movies, early morning Roti Tsunami or just laughing banters. The Desa Petaling chapters of our life are now gone forever and I'm lonelier than ever.

I'm Sorry

To the friends, to the budding relationships that never was and to the people I have disappointed over the years. 

This one is for you. 

For those who know me well enough to smell a whiff of my deodorant (or the lack of it) you would know that I revere Friday. Friday evening to be exact. That feeling after you get off work before the weekend is simply - fantastic is understating it. I wanna cram everything in Friday. Time with friends and people you love hanging out with. Movies. Series. Problem is you only have so many hours in a day. That is why whenever I get the honor to set a meet up between friends Friday night will be my primary choice after Saturday's. I love dumping all fun activities on that few hours I have after clocking off on Friday.

But some of my friends, they are not bothered with the fact that tomorrow's a working day hanging on their conscience (OK conscience is apparently not really appropriate, but lets just stick with it for the theatrical effects, shall we ?). They are cool with it. And I've known some who only choose a weekday to lepak and that seriously ticks me off.

I never really knew why. But with the help of articles I found online. I now know that I am a recluse. Again, an overshoot - an introvert, to be exact. I've known to be social. I can be outgoing. I'd like to think that people love hanging out with me. So the all the boxes are checked. So why ? A recent article I found online reveals that between intro and extroverts, there are a few subcategories, and thereon comes the third of this - The Hybrid.

Hybrids are good at hiding their introversion. I mean they hang out with people and they like to do all the fun stuffs that extroverts love to do. But we also love the smell of our room and the warmth of our blankets.

That is why sometimes my friends found themselves in a really awkward situation when hanging out with me. I mean I was another person altogether having a smoke and a cup of Teh Tarik at mamak stalls but I was this anxious prick when they chose to hang out at the wrong time and when they wanna hang out at my place. Especially when they wanna hang out at my place. I get really uneasy when someone enters my domain. Yeah of course some of the stuffs I got here, you wouldn't show to your girlfriend's parents and all. But that's only the small part of it. Like when they stay in my room, try as hard as I could laughing and giggling but 90% of the time all I think of is when is this person gonna leave.

I know I sound like a prick. But believe me, its not you, its me. I don't not like you any less just because I am displaying these prickly behaviors. Its just that I get anxious and I dunno what to do.

Please forgive me.

I remember another instance. Few really nice chaps, taking me under their tutelage. I was really taking a liking to them. We only started hanging out for a few months then. And these are very successful people, not some MLM crackpots who drive Kancils and wanna lecture me about wealth (Sorry this isn't a slight to any of you Kancil drivers. I'm a proud owner of one). I learn a lot just by hanging out with them - they were adding some serious values to my life. But these guys, they lepak almost every Sunday night at TTDI to rub salt to the wounds. I was slowly dreading these meetings and eventually I stopped showing up altogether. I knew some of them were disappointed, pissed off and everything. I know. And they have every right to. But I just don't know how to explain my conditions to the others. 

Because of that I have some very weird, undefined type of friendships over the years. You lepak with these dudes like everyday at one point in your life and all of a sudden you fade into oblivion. These people whenever I see them, either dunno how to act or we act like we are just friends who have mutual friends.

It makes me sad a little bit.

I'm sorry guys. I know. I suck. And you have every right to ignore me. Be pissed about it. Its OK. Expressing what I feel is not one of my virtue. 

So I ran like a little girl.

Selamat Hari Jadi!

Happy birthday buddy! Collage could have been better, I admit. Tapi aku sangat malas. Heheh. And I have to say that those pictures are, in retrospective, up there among the bestest experience we've had together. So cheers to you. Selamat Seratus Har- eh, Selamat Hari Jadi! :)

 Have a good one.

Place Beyond The Pines

Balik from revision session and saw my old man lying down on the floor.

Sleeping.

Desolated.

Tears mobbed his cheek during the final sending off of his best friend. My heart cringe at the thought. A lost that never probably will be replaced.

I am both glad and embarrassed having touched shoulders with the man. Glad for having the chance to personally know him up close. Embarrassed, for I am unworthy.

He was a man that during his life, a stern voice against wrongdoings. A man that would never hesitate for a second to call you out if you should transgress the barriers, which naturally, granted him a fair share of dislikers.

A man born perhaps in the wrong era. An era where brutal honesty is mistaken with being uncivilized. He never bothered to fiddle with that crap.

Us humans tend to have short memories. Overglorification of the dead is a common occurrence when talking about somebody deceased. But trust me when I say that Mr. Harun Nayan does not need any of that.

Folks who had attended his burial will be the testament to this. They talk in glowing terms when recalling certain personal encounters with the great man.

I have cousins who barely knew him attending his final parting, wondering what the heck his day job was because for all they know, his jobs, his activities, his LIFE have always been in one way or another, associated with the work of the Masjid. The welfare of the people (he was one of the committee members of the Masjid's Welfare bureau) and Amal Ma'ruf Nahi Mungkar.

What a life to have lived. What a beauty in death to have.

I could go on and on.

But I should probably stop.

He doesn't need me or anyone for that matter to shine his deeds for they speak a great deal for themselves.

The sum of a human life I think, lies within the amount of souls we touched during our journey towards eternity. 

So if anyone should ask how did he die, I will tell him how he lived instead.

Al-Fatihah.

The Very Best of Us

In succession of a few days, we have received the news of losses of two of our most beloved relative and a family friend.

He takes away the very best of us. Reminding us that nothing in this world is really ours. No one in this world is really anybody's anybody.

But He really DOES take away the very best from us. 

Mere words failed, I have exhausted the best of adjectives for these deceased.

Long shall memories serve the best of moments far as I can reminisce. Al Fatihah Pak Caq (deceased 27th March 2014) and Pakcik Harun (deceased 30th March 2014). 

Warm are these tears against this misty morning. 2014. What a year this has been so far.

Umrah Terakhir Kami

"Umrah terakhir bersama isteri tersayang sehari sebelum meninggal. Suasana ceria pagi tu tiada tanda2 yang saya akan di tinggalkan. Kami telah bertekat untuk membuat umrah tahun ni sebelum ke haji. Rupa2nya dia meninggal semasa umrah.

Saya yakin ini merupakan hadiah yang teristimewa untuk arwah kerana Allah telah memanggil untuk di kebumikan di tanah haram. Takdapat di bayangkan betapa terharunya perasaan ini dalam sekelip mata isteri tersayang sudah tiada. Mashallah tak dapat menahan airmata semasa sama2 dengan puluhan ribu jemaah masjidil haram menyembahyangkan arwah, saya memang terkenal dgn sikap tabah dan kental tapi rupa2nya tertewas dengan peristiwa tersebut, moga2 Allah memberi jannah kepada arwah.

Terasa terlalu sunyi perasaan ni, semangat terlalu rendah tertapi syukur anak2 ada di sisi utuk menampung kesedihan. Betapa kuasa Allah mengetasi segala2nya, diri yang sihat tiba2 dimatikan. Tiada terduga bagi hambanya bagi segala kesudahan, akhir kalam kita di mana dan bagaimana. Allah maha besar yang mempunyai kuasa menghidup dan mematikan.

Untuk arwah ini adalah khidmat terakhir saya walaupun dengan hati yang berat, berusha menguruskan pekebumian isteri tersayang, ya Allah hanya kau saja yang yahu betapa berat hati ini menanggung ujian ini, process mendapat pelepasan dari kedutaan malaysia merupakan ujian pertama kerana tiada surat sokongan yang lengkap tapi kuasa Allah mengatasi segalanya, beratus kali doa di baca meminta pertolongan Allah dan syukur semua pemasalahan di ringgankan, paling teruji ialah mendapat slot menyembahyang di masjidil haram, syukur segala rintangan yang getir dapat di atasi dengan pertolongan Allah.

Ya Allah hamba Mu bersyukur dapat bersama2 sembahyang jenazah bersama puluhan ribu kemaah.

Khidmat terakir diri ku untuk arwah dari menyusung jasat tersayang ke masjidil haram hinggalah mengangkat jenazah ke lahat, tak dapat menahan airmata dari berlinang namun aku kuatkan semanggat, terasa susah sanggat kali ini untuk mengekalkan semanggat yang hampir2 tiada, sungguh hairan betapa aku yang berjiwa keras ni jadi longlai dan terkapai2 meniti minit2 yang terlalu singkat.

Ya Allah kau tempatkan lah roh isteriku bersama para salihin dan ya Allah tenangkan hati ku dan anak2 berserta org2 yg sayangi beliau. Ya Allah cucurilah rahmat keayas arwah dan kami semua. Ya Allah kau kembalikan lah semanggat waja ku supaya aku dapat mengharungi sisa2 hidup ini. Amin"

Stumbled upon this heart shredding piece by the late Kak Nurul's husband. Its hard to contain these pearly beads from falling.

Sombre

Today as I was sitting at my workstation, taking off my jacket. The speaker blared an announcement,. Its our HR department.

"Dukacita dimaklumkan bahawa Puan Nurul Asyikin Shuib telah pun kembali ke rahmatullah semalam.."

My chest painful. 

My stomach feel like somebody just tangled all its contents into one big knot. 

It felt unreal.

The smiling Kak Nurul, those droopy eyes with the depth unfathomable as if they know what turbulence is running havoc in your mind right. I won't see that again. I was so distracted, until the voice of the girl manning the counter "Ye Encik, nak apa ?" shake me off my distraction. I had neither the cash nor any idea what did I want for breakfast, hence I left.

Probably

This is what happens when its 4 something in the morning and your brain decides that counting sheeps is too mainstream a thing, and thinking (overthinking) is a 'thing'. Creative inflow of thoughts in neither sequential nor logical order. They just randomly appear one thing after the other.

So a cheesy collage maybe ? Why the heck not.

So in the collage above that was probably me, probably Island Hopping in probably an island somewhere probably in the Northern state of Malaysia. Probably with a new hat and probably a new pair of probably RED crocs. Ciplak of course.

Edit: Island hopping was probably nice. An island surrounded by salt water and in the middle of her belly a freshwater lake. Awesome brilliant! (me running out of adjectives) Taktau berenang ? Tak jadi masalah. At ten Ringgit, an overpriced life jacket can be rented out from the nearest peddler. So why the heck not ? Probably.

Edit's edit: Island Hopping consists of 3 activities in total. Pulau Dayang Bunting with the freshwater skinny dipping. Tengok and bagi makan Helang and lepaking at Pulau Beras Basah, FYI.

Two, one of my bestest pal is getting married today. My feelings are jumbled into a pile of mess, weepy substance, remnants of what's left of masculinity inside of me. Happy for him that he's found the one. Sad on the other that things may never be the same again. Probably, its just me. I'm a Melan Choly fucker like that.

Hafiz, congratulations on your wedding and good luck in your future undertakings. You're one of the most upstanding guy I have ever met and she is lucky to have landed you.

And one thing not many people may know about him is that he loves his grass to the point of trying to befriend them as can be seen from the picture below:

Either that or he was trying to cover up the fact that he was farting. Nice try Hafiz. Nice try.

Paris, The Dream

Here's one good reason why I thought Paris is such a dreamy place..

Nothing good comes out of staying up past the normal hours. I heard Ted told his kids in How I Met Your Mother.

So here's a list of crazy things, well they are not necessarily crazy per se, just the impulsiveness of the thoughts, they make me think of well doing it right away. So here's a list of crazy things I thought I should do right away while forcing my eyelids not to shut. (I am EXHAUSTED yet I refuse to sleep for I am stingy with my times. Esp. late at night)

Say, withdraw whatever amount of money I have right now in my saving anywhere, Tabung Haji, Maybank whatever, and just go to England and hit any match, I mean any match that is currently being held in the Old Trafford. And I would ask / force / threaten Kurik to come and watch United with me regardless of how disgusted he is with United.

Or.

Just draw as much money as I can get and just backpack to Paris. Put on some winter coats and a scarf (the fashionable manly ones!) around my neck. A pair of cheap sunglasses to go then play tourist around the city and find hidden angles around the city that I can view THE Eiffel Tower from and shamelessly snap loads and loads of selfies that is backdropped by the majesty of the tower. The romance.

Or.

That I should quit my job right away and become a very successful miniature Star Wars figurine trader. I know how people love these stuffs. What I dunno and what I carefully chose not to know is how hard it is to make them or where will I get 'em. Fuck it. Not stopping me from dreaming anyways.

And really I really really need to sleep right now.

:)

There are certain people in your life you just can't hide anything from. They just know something is up. And you're left to chuckle at your own naivete for thinking you've done a hell of a tremendous job at covering your tracks and erasing your trace. This. You can't help but smile.

30th April 2008

For all the things I did not say. For all the things I did not mean to say. For all the things I won't be able to say. I hate you. Goddamnit I hate you but I love you buddy.

Here's me missing a friend.

Grieving

"Appreciate every mixtape your friends make,
You never know we come and go like on the interstate"

- Gym Class Heroes

Farewell Old Friend II

We were close at one point. Very close. But a patchy relationship ensues a few years back. But once in a while we still go lepak and enjoy a cup of coffee laughing at our days of being stupid together. And once in a while we still enjoy a smoke or two together. But I felt that he's grown too different to make the hanging out together more frequent. He must've felt that I changed too. But him being the annoyingly lovable idiot he was, the dude just kept pouring in harassing messages and calls. Of which I was ever indifferent about.

Until the very last night before his eternal departure, he was texting me. And I..

Dear God.

My eyes misted, all over again.

Farewell Old Friend

 

This morning a friend of mine passed away on his way to the office. He got involved in a car accident. And I just got back from his funeral. So many words to say but I'm just too overwhelmed with feelings right now.

Hence a teary goodbye and Al-Fatihah should suffice.

Artsy :)

Source: Uploaded by user via Mohd Fakhrolruzi on Pinterest

Source: Uploaded by user via Mohd Fakhrolruzi on Pinterest

Kak As actually sprung this idea out of my mind. Call it narcissism, I value my thoughts dearly. Perhaps it was the fact that I could actually pull a few surprises even to myself with what I had to say sometimes (or perhaps that depression actually brings out the best in me ?). Therefore my thoughts, my rhymes and simple poetries I wrote along the way - on top of someone's table, tissues - whatever - I try my best to hold on to them.

Then come my sketches, I value them in equal measures as well, albeit they were a bit more less unfortunate for I don't really have the means to hold to them and perhaps a little undervalued because they're well - Sketches.

So thanks Kak As for this (and for that matter, Pinterest) for the means to hold on to my sketches. And don't get your panties up in a wad yet, these art pieces are worth more than Mona Lisa herself - in Parallel Universe somewhere, of course.

They're not pretty but like the little pieces of my thoughts, I would like to hold on to them not for them and neither for you but for the me of tomorrows. All I'm saying is if you like them - by all means come out and puji the hell out of me. Kalau tak, we can both act like we didn't see anything! :P

Avatar Quotes

"Avatar The Last Airblender.." (Wait, what ?)

- Anna Mariati, with the most confident of face.

Me, face-palming trying to hold the bursting laughter.

Thanks.. :)

For the smile on my face.

For The Hardest Thing Is Not To Learn, But To Unlearn.

Met the guys from the old office lunch tadi. Smiles.

Met Kak Ida. I think I was myself again for I dunno how long. A part of me I left at the AMC when we were forced to move. I didn't realize it, I was like THIS (picture me doing the backward 'C') talkative. Am I that lonely in HQ ? I've read somewhere that one tends to be talkative when one's lonely. Or in a lonely place. Or is feeling lonely. Or something to do with solitude.

I wish the Me of today could tell the Me of yesterday that everything is gonna be OK. That everything is gonna be alright. That everything will be fine.

Then I wish the Future Me would whisper that "This too shall pass.." or "You'll get through this.." - A smile on my face as I type this. Yes, this too shall pass. I've already known the secret. Problem with me, is that I know everything. Yet I know nothing.

"I could not become anything, neither bad nor good, neither a scoundrel nor an honest man, neither a hero nor an insect, and now I'm eking my days in my corner, taunting myself with the bitter and entirely useless consolation that an intelligent man cannot seriously become anything; that only a fool can become something." - Fyodor Dostoevsky

Out of place. Perhaps. But that was what transpired in my mind as I type the paragraph preceding the quote by Mr. Dostoevsky.

I was happy to see them. Loved the shirt that I managed to 'pow' Kak Ida from. But the pix has failed to reach the masses due to an unseen circumstance thanks to Anna Mawiati. Damnit.

April..

April 2012 marks one of the most melancholic times I've felt in years. A personal battle that she and I have had to face for quite some times now.

And as if that isn't gut wrenching enough, I have to part ways with persons I cared about. Colleagues-turn-Kakak, who have been with me through my gelak-crazy-happy days and through some of my darkest moments. Sisters I never have.

Kak Ida.. I ran out of words to say. Where do I start. A loyal listener to an ever-whining Me. One who would never shy away to put me in my place if I were to run out of line. The permanent victim for my who-shall-I-pick-on-today routines. A friend more than she is a colleague. And MOST importantly a sister. A sister I never have.

God knows how painful this parting is. I might be overreacting with this for people say this isn't a final parting - one but a mere geographical switch more than anything. And that's where they are wrong. Geographical change brings about different weathers, different we-

OK. That's it. Why did I even bother.

These Are Melancholic Deis.
Current Listen: Lady Antebellum - Need You Now.mp3

Its that time of the month for me I guess these past couple of days. Got in a fight with a friend I cared about dearly. I shouldn't be pissed. Yes, am telling myself this now. And in the face of being shut off, my vein is so quick to pop. The audacity. To get pissed when it was me, in the first place who was throwing tantrums - when all she did was trying to reason.

Ergh. Apologies are cheap. The price of its rejection is the one hefty. So try to pay your dues before talking from your, erm, MY high horse.

This has been a slow, slow week and these have been some very very melancholic days for me. Yes, yes, the gayness of being sad about getting into a fight with a close friend, but its not just that. This week, my mind has been traveling far and wide to the realm of memories. Knocking and opening the doors I chose to leave shut. Sometimes, it feels like am just tad at the edge of tears. Sighs. So what I did was puff puff.

You probably don't understand this don't you, hunny ? Good.

Because that was my intention in the first place.