I Miss My Friend

My friend's old man passed away last year and he shifted his entire life back to his hometown to take care of his solitary mom. I can respect that. I didn't expect however that I'd feel so sad. I just realized we kinda did loads of stuff together and now there'll be no more week end scary movies, early morning Roti Tsunami or just laughing banters. The Desa Petaling chapters of our life are now gone forever and I'm lonelier than ever.

The Very Best

‎August ‎25, ‎2007 at Sue's engagement more than 10 years ago. Look at how innocent we were. Now you yourself are getting married. 

Take care Haq.

I wish you nothing but the best. The very best.

You lovely thing.

Missing

Breaking away from someone isn't as straight forward as we want it to be. Deciding to walk away from the people that used to be so central in your life does not mean you do not miss them. At times unbearably so. So much so I found myself on more than an occasion, staring at your number or our chat window, struggling to stop myself from calling or texting you. 

You who came along and made everything seems like a breeze and walk away as freely. You who I didn't think in a million years would leave these much damage. You who I so sorely feel absence of. 

I miss you so much right now and the saddest part is you'll probably never know...

This Is How I Miss You

There is a place deep in the valleys

Hid by the mountains, white sheets of memories 

A place guarded by heart, hidden from sight hardened by the stones of melancholy. Should one wander far enough, stood once was a statue of You & Me.

You were a beautiful beautiful part of my life.

Thank you for being in it. No matter how brief it was.

You fantastic thing.

We Love You

Time. Death. Familial bond. 

Intricate concepts.

We weren't exactly close these past few years. She used to take me in to keep her youngest daughter company while we both were growing up. I was pretty close with Kak Na growing up. We used to be childhood play mates. I remember the little snitch planting fire crackers in a pile of cow dung only for it to prematurely explode and gotten my ass scolded and she escaped. Small chuckles on my lips when I remember that.

That's it.

Family expanding with marriages meant we kept to ourselves mostly. Not for the loss of love whatsoever. Its just that way.  If I'm honest there have been deaths of family members who I don't really feel the need to be there aside from the familial obligation I'm reminded to observe. I thought Mak Uda's passing is gonna be one of those.

But the sadness is profound. I have a niggling, stinging pain in my chest whenever my mind decided to take a little stroll down memory lane. In fact I'm a little bit teary as I'm typing this. Or whenever I encountered a picture of her, which is very rare, although not estranged, it kinda reminds me how kind of far we've grown apart as a family. 

I have no beautiful tributes to write in your memory. I just wanna say that your passing pains me in a way I don't know how to explain and I pray that you're in a better place right now. 

And if I'm granted a wish right now, its to see you for one last time and hug you and kiss you and say how much we love you.

Au Revoir Mouna

I guess I was never really good at expressing my feelings. Not verbally at least. I write poems and throw tantrums or I freeze somebody off when I'm angry.

Truth of the matter is I feel a lot. I'm actually quite devastated that Mouna will be leaving GHR for good and I dunno why. I was a newcomer. Apparently who's who in the ranking of the boss' favourites has already been established long before I decided to come in. 

Nonetheless, her departure fills me with grief I fail to describe. 

But all I could muster as parting words are just jokes - and deflective banters. Stupid sense of humor. They mask everything. Fucking everything. Whereas all I wanted to say was how I'm gonna miss her and I wish nothing but the very best for her, but also if she could come back one day, please do.

And for all that incredible capacity for emotions all my stupid self could muster was "Take care, Mouna." as I try to convey as much as I could through my eyes.

And of course putting on my best looking idiot face in what could probably be our last picture together.

You fucking stupid moron Fakhrol.

Au revoir, Mouna!

To The Ones Who Actually Matter

Its one of those days. 

When everything inside you is made of sweet, marshmellowy stuffs. 

I mean I could write a poem to immortalize the zenith-like feelings I have for them and write it in such a way that would have you thinking that ours is a summer breezed, Versailles-like garden of a tale. So grandeur an affair.

But I would be lying.

Because truth of the matter is its not. No, even that would be a gross understatement simply because families irk you 99% of the time! Nod your head and smile if you agree. 

I know. 

They're assholes, manipulative and selfish !@#$%^%^*!

But  in spite of all the pain they inflicted so kindly on your ass, despite those MINOR flaws, you love them anyways. You love them so fiercely that if you were to mess with my brother you gotta be prepared to have me as an enemy. And if you would have the misfortune of messing with my sister, oh well, she would have probably gotten your nose broken at this point anyways and would have your rib cages shattered for good measure.

Mess with my parents. Then its you and I.

The very point that I'm trying to deliver home through this mess of unintelligible ramblings is that I love you guys. Through thick. Through thins. Through hardships. Through eases. Through the rains and through the scorching sun. I love you guys.

You fucking rock! 

Before Everything

Let me photograph you in this light
In case it is the last time
That we might be exactly like we were
Before we realized

- Adele, When Were Young

This evokes so many emotions. 

To you. I know our separation could have been better handled and I am sorry that it ended the way it did. I wish you nothing but happiness.

I'm Sorry

To the friends, to the budding relationships that never was and to the people I have disappointed over the years. 

This one is for you. 

For those who know me well enough to smell a whiff of my deodorant (or the lack of it) you would know that I revere Friday. Friday evening to be exact. That feeling after you get off work before the weekend is simply - fantastic is understating it. I wanna cram everything in Friday. Time with friends and people you love hanging out with. Movies. Series. Problem is you only have so many hours in a day. That is why whenever I get the honor to set a meet up between friends Friday night will be my primary choice after Saturday's. I love dumping all fun activities on that few hours I have after clocking off on Friday.

But some of my friends, they are not bothered with the fact that tomorrow's a working day hanging on their conscience (OK conscience is apparently not really appropriate, but lets just stick with it for the theatrical effects, shall we ?). They are cool with it. And I've known some who only choose a weekday to lepak and that seriously ticks me off.

I never really knew why. But with the help of articles I found online. I now know that I am a recluse. Again, an overshoot - an introvert, to be exact. I've known to be social. I can be outgoing. I'd like to think that people love hanging out with me. So the all the boxes are checked. So why ? A recent article I found online reveals that between intro and extroverts, there are a few subcategories, and thereon comes the third of this - The Hybrid.

Hybrids are good at hiding their introversion. I mean they hang out with people and they like to do all the fun stuffs that extroverts love to do. But we also love the smell of our room and the warmth of our blankets.

That is why sometimes my friends found themselves in a really awkward situation when hanging out with me. I mean I was another person altogether having a smoke and a cup of Teh Tarik at mamak stalls but I was this anxious prick when they chose to hang out at the wrong time and when they wanna hang out at my place. Especially when they wanna hang out at my place. I get really uneasy when someone enters my domain. Yeah of course some of the stuffs I got here, you wouldn't show to your girlfriend's parents and all. But that's only the small part of it. Like when they stay in my room, try as hard as I could laughing and giggling but 90% of the time all I think of is when is this person gonna leave.

I know I sound like a prick. But believe me, its not you, its me. I don't not like you any less just because I am displaying these prickly behaviors. Its just that I get anxious and I dunno what to do.

Please forgive me.

I remember another instance. Few really nice chaps, taking me under their tutelage. I was really taking a liking to them. We only started hanging out for a few months then. And these are very successful people, not some MLM crackpots who drive Kancils and wanna lecture me about wealth (Sorry this isn't a slight to any of you Kancil drivers. I'm a proud owner of one). I learn a lot just by hanging out with them - they were adding some serious values to my life. But these guys, they lepak almost every Sunday night at TTDI to rub salt to the wounds. I was slowly dreading these meetings and eventually I stopped showing up altogether. I knew some of them were disappointed, pissed off and everything. I know. And they have every right to. But I just don't know how to explain my conditions to the others. 

Because of that I have some very weird, undefined type of friendships over the years. You lepak with these dudes like everyday at one point in your life and all of a sudden you fade into oblivion. These people whenever I see them, either dunno how to act or we act like we are just friends who have mutual friends.

It makes me sad a little bit.

I'm sorry guys. I know. I suck. And you have every right to ignore me. Be pissed about it. Its OK. Expressing what I feel is not one of my virtue. 

So I ran like a little girl.

Forever Within Numbered Days

I have so many movies I cannot tell you how many. I have so many of them I probably have some that I downloaded before I was born and haven't watched yet. I'm not exactly sure if I love movies or simply just the idea of it. Maybe downloading movies is my hobby after all.

None the matter.

So this morning after sahur, after last night's out - I innocently popped a movie to my plasma. It always help me sleep. Concentration. Be it books or this time around, movies.

Title of choosing could be anything really. After all I'm only trying to catch some sleep. After brushing aside all the cobwebs in drive H, I innocently double clicked The Fault In Our Stars a movie I downloaded about a year ago I think. 

Whoever the fuck penned this movie needs to be shot.

NEVER have I bawled so much waters from my droopy eyes. I cried so much you might think I had stepped on a Lego. 

Damnit Fakhrol you're such a girl!

But You Didn't

Borrowed off somewhere of course. Too beautifully tragic not to share.

The Deja Post

Its weird.

A combination of tobacco inhalation, a slide open window and a few songs brought about.

Here I am.

Almost a decade past.

And a realization.

That after all these years.

After all those tears.

I still amount to nothing.

Deja is still a bitch. 

Drifting

The extend of the boredom.

Bleh.

Hi. Hello. Am 31. Officially. The passing of being in the 20's to the 30's used to suck. But now am 31. And here's a perspective. In 9 years, I'll be in the same age as those Hollywood movie characters who dreads being 40 and looking back at life asking to himself "What the fuck have I done with my life ?" Its all a little bit cliche. But that's a perspective alrite. 

I'm drifting. And I know it. But I let it anyway. There's no boom. There's no bang. Life is just too quiet. Fuck, am getting old. And its a dreadful feeling. Not dreadful in a bad kind of way. Its just dreadfully boring. The highlight of my weeks now are United matches, and they are if I am honest, gawdawful.

I feel like the best of my years have gone passed and I didn't even know.

And its kinda sad.

/drifting

p/s: Happy birthday, Fakhrol. You darn beautiful thing you.

p/s/s: Oh hey look who's back. Its the Positve Me!

p/s/s/s: I must look like a lunatic now. Pulling a monologue like that. Thank God nobody's reading     -_-'

Mak..

"Ayah hang dulu time muda-muda, pakaikan helmet Mak siap tenung lama-lama lagi. Laa ni, kalau Mak gelak-gelak, dia siap pukui helmet ataih kepala Mak. Punggg!"

A recycled entry but ♥

Selamat Jalan

First that sharp pang on you heart.

Oh. He is no more.

Then.

The reality.

When it finally sinks in.

That you shall never ever see him again.

That is when the tears start streaming down your face.

Not even noticing the numb turning into sniffles.

Selamat jalan Tok Guru. Tho we may have never met. I feel like I've known you forever.

I am ashamed to write about you for I am but a sinner.

Selamat jalan...

I Don't Wish This To My Worst Enemy

If I could say so, I was once, sort of a staunch Anwar supporter. But after his theatricals and stupid antics. I start questioning whether or not he is the man for the job to lead a healthy opposition for Malaysia. And a developed country does not require a good opposition. They NEED it.

The negative connotation of the word 'Pembangkang' had left some good section of Malaysians naively making them the bad guys. There's no bad or good guys in politics. Or at least it shouldn't be. Both the government and opposition members are the elected members of the parliament who should be representing the rakyats for the rakyats. So whatever difference they have in the parliament - say I may not agree on A and he might not agree on B. But we both must agree that both A & B are conceived solely for the good of rakyat in mind.

But what happen in Malaysia ?

Political persecution isn't just unhealthy. It's selfish.

Kau marah aku sebab aku kata kau rasuah. Then buktikan la yang kau tak rasuah. Ini tak. Aku kata kau rasuah ko tangkap aku.

And before we go any further, we must also acknowledge that our opposition is far from perfect. They love to get into petty squabbles and cakap pakai mikrofon benda-benda yang boleh cakap kat telefon.

But for all their imperfection. They are OUR opposition. Even though bodoh & naive at times, I'd like to think that opposition works for the betterment of the rakyats. And what do these people dapat pun in return of their loud mouthed approach. Only scorns from the very people they are trying fight for.

Again. I don't intend to make our opposition sounds babyish, silky white with delicate wings on their backs. They're NOT.

But all the more reason to ponder my next point:

An honest government has got nothing to fear from such a shamble of an opposition. Kalau ko baik, ko tak payah risau pun tahi-tahi yang orang baling tu akan lekat dekat baju ko.

So why then, I ask - the political persecution ?

If we are targeting homos now, should we start sweeping just around KL ? Gays don't fucking hide nowadays. Some people doesn't have any qualms to mengaku dorang gay. But this guy, against all odds, after all denials. The charges still stick.

But. Ah lantak la. Am getting to the point.

Gambar kat atas ni sebenarnya point aku. Sorry I took like 538,000 words just to arrive to a single point. Gambar kat atas nie sebenarnya buat aku sangat sebak. Apa dosa wanita-wanita nie kita pisahkan depa dari bapak depa ? Isteri yang kehilangan suami. Anak-anak yang kehilangan bapak. Cucu yang kehilangan tokwan. 

And most importantly.. *sighs*

Seorang lelaki berumur yang kehilangan segalanya.

Apa jadah nak jadi dengan kita nie. And kalau kita redha dengan benda-benda macam nie.

Anwar had his faults. And aku makin meluat lepas Selangor MB punya fiasco. But.

NOBODY deserves this.

And orang kata kalau betul dia buat. Apa yang betulnya ? Kita bukan dakwa dia dekat mahkamah syariah. Mahkamah syariah requires saksi-saksi yang cukup syaratnya. And kalau orang tu tak mengaku sampai sudah, ada cara lain pulak.

Ni mahkamah manusia bos. Kalau pure syariah court yang hukum dia and he's found guilty then let him rot in jail for the entirety of his age. Tapi kalau mahkamah manusia nie, hearsay. Aku kata ko buat. Ko kata aku buat. And ada pulak orang ketiga yang kata "Hrm, OK memang ko salah"

Baiklah.

Panjangnya aku mengomel.

Takpelah. Mahkamah manusia ada. Mahkamah Tuhan lagi power. Kalaulah, ditakdirkan beliau tak buat seperti apa yang dituduh. Maka jawablah esok dengan yang Maha Kuasa. Air mata isteri, air mata anak-anak. Tangisan cucu. And mostly dosa-dosa orang yang terlibat secara tak langsung kalau mereka mengiyakan atau memadankan muka si yang teraniaya.

Tah la mungkin aku berat sebelah sebab political inclination aku. Tapi bukan ini caranya kita buat dekat orang. I don't wish for this to happen to my worst enemy.

The Flipside

Verse 1: The current State

I laugh in the company of numbers
I cry in the rain in the dark, this numbness

I picked this road, I made the choice
I wrote this song, am gonna give it a voice

Prodigies are birthed outside the vicinity of sane
Truly beautiful rhythms are forged only with pain

Verse 2: The alter Ego

Things will look up again
For even heroes were at one point a villain.

Hence live.
Not leave.

For..

Prodigies are birthed outside the realm of sane
& truly beautiful rhythms are forged only with pain

What Could Have Been

Whats this empty feeling ? Feels like a part of me was lost. I sat down staring at the computer screen. Long. Lost. I miss our time together. I missed the fights, the adventures and most importantly the wackiness. 

I guess I shall never have the same feeling again.

I got up at nights walking in and out of nightmares. Crying at what could have been.

I missed you.

Please do not click here..

Untuk Segalanya

A friend forwarded me this.

Sedih.

Terima kasih Malaysia Airports. 

Untuk segalanya.

Fuck You

To those who would harm children. No matter your ideologies. No matter your creeds. I pray that you die a thousand horrible deaths. Fuck you. FUCK YOU.

Edit:

I cannot begin to fathom the need to harm children. What the fuck can they fucking do ? I mean seriously.