"Let me just sleep, for when I sleep, I dream. When I'm awake, everything seems so futile.."

P/S : I Love You..
Current Listen : Maroon 5 - Won't Go Home Without You.mp3
Nota Kaki : I'm inspired..

The Past :

His eyes sored with hot tears steaming down a face that tires
Drops of them on his last enveloped thoughts & words for her
Petrified at the thoughts of leaving the world to Oblivion
Manages to somehow sculpture a broken smile thru his glass expression
However sad, butterflies are flying about in his abdomen
Excited about how she'll make new memories while framing the old moments
The tears, again an unnoticed company, roll on his cheeks again
This time sealing off his presence - away with his pain..

The Present :

She strays alone - in the vicinity of her thoughts, unalarmed.
This seems so Unreal, " He cant be dead yet, look, he looks so calm ! "
She didnt even spill a tear when the last sand covered his coffin
When she gets back, he's gonna put on the smile like he does often
Knocking on their door, " Hun, am homeeee.. " - to a No reply,
Smirking, she thought "One of yer silly tricks again huh, u Sly !"
"Just u wait.." she pretends getting upset, loving his fake repentance
The grass, the garden, they all look the same, only this time, he's absent..

The Verdict :

She trembles at the familiar sight of the handwriting, its his !
" I told u guys he isnt dead yet.. " her heart leaps in bliss
Fascinated, she strips away the envelope as quickly as she can
Without hurting the edges of the last thing that was touched by his hands
"The chicken scratch ! This must be his.. !", temporal joy filled her
Till the last 2 lines drag her back to Reality, one that drills her.

They read :

"By the time u read this letter, i probably am in the place faraway, watching above u.."
"Be glad there'll be no more pranks & bashes from me.. & P/S : I regret not having loved U.."

Copywritten 78ed.
Enthroned.

My mind orchestrates some phantom plots
While its physics derives of some random thoughts
My knuckle bleed & my fist still swinging
Even if i am on my buckled feet, my will - stinging.

My words travel the arc of universe
Without my lips having to part first
So what the fuck would happen if I decide to spit fire ?
Fuck torching my pieces, my eloquence'd lid vapours

Words with hell as the scale, remember your Sire's name
But u wont live to tell the tale, let alone acquire fame
Be glad your last word on earth was Raizzen
For it'd take a 1000 years to topple me after the first uprising

I'd step on carcasses with a smirk on my face
Decayed flesh'd only spark a thirst on my pace
So if u think u'd only find yourself in turmoils
Come & see me, I'll send ya back one with the soil..

I loves U.

The very spot U is placed,
The very vowel U sounds,
The very significance U phrase,
The very Heaven U is bound.

The very dread world'd fall to-
Without the very presence of U.

The very what U signifies,
The very who U represents,
The very Irony U n_llifies,
Has U never leave & resent.

The very end I would meet,
These feelings I couldn't mete.

U, please know this,
Opinion would've had her views-
On the very way U is,
When all I know is, that - I loves U.

To The Very Least.. I've Still Got PoeDreadaries.

I found a place so cozy, a temple of which i manifest all Hindrance
I'd say flawless, perfect to conceal myself - behind my Intelligence.

No person scary enough to beat me cold and drag me where my ass is stuffed
Irony ? Beats me, I mean shoot, even one that you loath's as close as ur Love !
But wait, you havent seen anything yet, but since u insist, OK,thats something..
But Dont you find it funny when matters matter ONLY when you stop laughing ?

Here i am, back again tracing on the visible trail of Ignorance
Swinging my fist fast, but swinging in the dark only bruises my Arrogance
A constant stinging sensation that dwells the cells upon my brain
And you wonder why my thoughts would hurt & my tongue inflict emotional pain ?

" Dont ask me why, ask me How " - Now be a dear and ask me How, dear.
But then again who the fuck says that you're even gonna smell the answer ?
You hurt me when you say that i dont, coz frankly speaking, i do care.
I DO CARE if you invade my personal clusters, begone, well, at least while im there.

Your hands were the one reaching out to me, did I hesitate and blink wondering
The most reaching yet the simplest "Its ok" - left me with no more ponderings
Your hands were what saved me & they too were the ones forever slamming the door
The worst part of Imagination and the best parcel - I dont care anymore..

Down Memory Lane : Deja Vu
Current Listen : OneRepublic - Apologize.mp3

Ecah poyo nak mampus, me ? the total opposite ! hello ?

Ok, this, somehow seems familiar, hrmm, where have i dipped my taste buds on this feeling of Deja Vu. Holy Shit. Practical students. Yea they come and go, and the only thing that remain are the crumbs of memories left behind the trail of the stress smothered piles of work papers and never empty tables of the tired cubicles. Me again, trapped within my own definition of Emptiness. I forced a fake burst of laughter, one with the credibility worthy of making people around me believe that i'm not at all troubled by the exterior motions that are far from oblivion. People notice the tension, Ecah's tears seal it, Period.

I, on the other hand, showed not a single hint of wrinkles of worry.

Wan, nice fella. Me ? I define Niceness, again, hello ?

The 3 months-old bond, too young, Greenish, if you ask me, but sighs, I just hate it. I just hate my tender self. I just cant stand looking at their empty cubicles. I just hate the glass on the table, i hate how well arranged the files are, Argh fuck, Holy fuck. Too strong a bond too fragile an affair.

Good luck guys, in all yer future undertakings, the best of it. You will need loads of it. And until the day that we meet again, you can always look back and be glad (very) that i used to be good a friend of your laughters and hey, your tears, more so.

Till we meet again..

Twenty Four Times Three Sixty Five Life Cycle
Current Listen : The growlings of my angry stomach.
Nota Kaki : Saya lapar..

A path frighteningly lonely to others..

They left for Kedah & Perak yesterday, leaving behind some trails of Nasik and a few slices of 'Rendang Daging' for me to gobble upon. Erm Ok i guess, was what i thought, just to be so cynically proven the otherwise later. I later found out that the Nasik has already fit the bills of a trash can occupant. Ok, it wasn't there when they left, but now, i do feel like am being abandoned, and, on a lonely and windy path not taken by most.

And suddenly the world came crashing down to my face when i, finally came to a divine realization of how pillaged the kitchen was. The Biskuts, The Burgers, The Hotdogs and The Telurs even ? The Telurs.. such crucial ingredient for my ideal preference of how a bowl of Megi Mee should be, Takde ? Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Im finally scared now & i suddenly realize how lonely i am in this cold world.

Later on i officially am a Megi Boi when i had nothing but Megi Mee for both lunch and dinner. Minum with my cuzzies and granted them the privilege of paying for me, trust me, they couldn't have looked more cheerful. I'm glad i can be much of help. Really i do.

Shot off to KLIA for a blo.. Err, a 2nd Job that pays quite lavishly and a great one, should it be excluded of such stupid shift arrangements, but - " Hey You, Yea, You damnnit ! Your ass is broke and such luxurious remarks are far off too luxurious for your ass now, live with it hence, Punk ! "

Signing off, and my friend finally answers the calls which i had directed him with, to ask whether or not has he realized this once-in-lifetime opportunity at his doorstep, by having me inviting him for a berakfast, no, breakfast, damnit ! And the dude is on a Morn' Shift, really i do pity him. But drop by anyways at his station to withdraw my fast draining cash just to realize that i have a few bucks more than what sum i thought i possess. Had breakfast with him anyways when i saw a nicely packed hot Roti Canai and Dal within his grasp. Well, i tried to resist, but he wants to treat me the Roti Canai so bad, i couldn't help it. So i only buy the cold Milo then.

A full stomach with an empty home to return to, sighs. Sad. Woke up at 12 something just to lose all sense of Time coz Yan's room is without any window or its pane. And i've still got but one problem though, what am i gonna have for lunch ? Of course i would love the richly topped Pizzas with some cheesy finishings as its crust, damnit ! But for God's sake, for God's sake -

I is broke, Period.

Oh, I'm Messed Up and So ?
Current Listen : The sound of the phone ringing from a call i dont wish to entertain..

Saya rasa macam banyak gila nak blog but then again i don't know what to write even, pissed, fucked, smirked, smirking, feeling a throne atop, feeling stuck in the deep pit of the Shallows and the dark dungeon of the Dimwitteds. Oh fuck, holy fuck.

" Hey You, stop rubbing yer feet against mine, coz if you think the otherwise, im so gonna prove you the total opposite of the otherwise. I'll rape ya bitch, and im not gonna be your boyfriend, ever ! "

Yati leaves some flowery marks in the mind of the sickness of mine, how shallow ever. Being a darling she is.

Oh shoot im fuckin horny. And fuck you, fuck you assholes, now here taste some of this.. * mid fingers *

And yes yer welcomed, dont let me see yer fuckin face again bitch. Yes you, yea you. Fuck you.

I & U

What are the stars without the moon complementing their presence ?
And where is US while I is being here in U's absence ?

When every phrase are deforming into overused expressions
'I love U' remains the most soothing serenade, I fashion.

..And IF tomorrow is a privilege I is not granted -
I's only regret would be - Taking U for granted !

..And IF that day ever arrives, I shall be U's permanent Shadow
One that'll be there when days are bright & even when nightful of Sorrow..

But Then Again..
Current Listen : Ungu - Kau Tercipta Untukku.mp3
Nota Kaki : The Misspellings of Life.

If Life's as easy as A, B, C .
And if our Relation Ship sails easy as U & Me.
I digress, I'm getting weary of the Dance
Tripping & fumbling while on the prance
And if my tears aren't labeled Hefty
I would just let them flow, like a cradled baby.

Life's a never ending pursuit on the tracks of Reality
We are but the athletes, expendable Individualities.
If I ever encounter the harsher points this chase -
Could I just rush to your assuring embrace ?
Again i digress, that's IF Life's spelled with just ABC
When a misspelled word of 'Life' could sound just like Irony.

But then again, if its not too much to ask of a favor -
Allow me the privilege of I Love U, forever.

A Price Long Have I Known Hefty
Current Listen : Copywrite - Jeah.mp3
Nota Kaki : Read this or you don't know what yer missing OR will be missing, have missed, have been missing and don't miss me asshole, i'm straight.

Unpleasant encounters have very rarely managed to tickle me personally..
Coz the distance between external occurance and my nerve - Heavenly !

So no dear, i hate not the ground you walk on, thats not how its gonna be..
I just Loath U so much, Curse even the air that embraces your proximity !

If numbers were to define the hatred you've buried within me
You'd have to dig something beyond the playing ground of Infinity

Fuck U think i'm gonna throw some toys ? I'll let U taste the whole pram.
"Drained words fusion to seasoned promises and form a hardened contempt"

You don't really understand what the fuck i was saying aint ya, Bum ?
Coz my piece's so ahead of its time, Nostradamus'd think that hes dumb.

I see not the necessity of making known my presence to the masses
Why ? My Poetry, alone, walks the definition of a Mad Genius.

Yes, the view from the throne atop, is indeed frighteningly lonely.
Its one that i have chose, a price long have i known Hefty..

U were the cost of my shortsightedness, only time when i was somewhat silly
Regret not shouldering the lengthy debt, a price long have i known Hefty..

Rarely Do I..

I was not born to know hate. Neither does the word hate invented for my sly self. Shit, its fuckin's hard for me to even hate someone or something and no, it doesnt really matter if i hate you, no.. But when i do, it'll be so fucking deep and rooted, even the air you breathe will seem so fuckin' despicable. Rarely do i, but dont push me..

Shit, im losing my edge, where the hell's the Subtlety, Damnit ?

..of Some Hip Hop Group Members
Nota Kaki : IF & only if..

Gone are the nights of sheer Confusion in the daylight of your Presence
Zoning out, I was colourless till along came a spectrum of pure Essence
A piece apart i was from Tranquility - You complement the whole Puzzle
Life's made of warring campaigns, and a comrade in these personal battles ?
I couldnt be more deceitful, IF I say that I'm just happy with what I possess
For your presence's a Question too many - More than i could've ever asked !
Am floating in a dimension of Fantasy like Reality, which of the two ?
Hell, i've said too much, when all i wanna say was just - I Miss You !

..of Some Random Poedreadry
Nota Kaki : Feeling Sucky..

Internal exclamation that falls on a deaf ear.
Somebody who will Listen, not merely here to hear.
Falling into an endless tunnel, how do i fall flat ?
Graveyard aint the scariest place, but where your thoughts at.
Human mind's a tangled thread formed by utter evils
As redundant as " I'm a Sinner ", muttered by the devil
Running contrary off the suction source : A futile attempt -
..of breakin' free, respects spared ? None. Shown only contempts.
Was born a Champion, raised a loser, grown as a pathetic void
Self bashing's what i befriend and self worth's what i avoid

Fed the physical often, nurture the soul seldom
I cant see the source, seemingly pains are phantom.
Constantly reminded against trusting a stranger
So if i don't believe in myself, i'm merely minding the minder..

Down Memory Lane..
Nota Kaki : Be forewarned of heavy usage of the 'back' word since yea i want turn back the clock if i could..

I was back in Seremban after close to 7-8 years leaving it. Not exactly the same Seremban i used to know back when i was in an all boys boarding school back in 1997. Though much have changed, I must also say that many remain recognizable from a Reminisce-r point of view. Im glad.

Regardless of the gladness though, i was also struck by series of remorseless mixed feelings. I feel sad, anxious, alert, insecure and so many forms of feeling that i wish i can identify. I cant really enjoy the variety of luxuries and rarities that were offered due to the hallucination of the younger me & my friends lurking around the face of Terminal One. We used to hang out at the Gaming outlet that offers loads of games regardless of their ingenuity. My friends were obsessed about Tekken 3 and we will sit there kicking our asses off each other and this one Duke will brag all day long about his newly enthroned state.

We too were very obsessed of Mangas and Gundams. We will linger around the facade of a Manga outlet just so that we're given the first glimpses of whats happening to our all-time favorite hero which will be none other than Son Goku. We never mind standing and spending hours in between the gondolas of Gundams at Seremban Parade just to hear how cool it is to be a Johorean who happens to be so near to SG and got to watch Gundam show from the neighbor country. Tho' i can tell that 80% of what he was telling us were pure craps, but who cares anyways ? We were "Woaaaaaa"-ing all around nodding our head to his lies.

How can i not be emotional when every floor has got a brief scene of the past, yet very vivid memories ? Every store that i stop by has got a story that us alone, would understand the laughs and the tears behind them.

" ? 97 to back it turn to able be i would, cycle 360 a Life's If.. "

If I read 'em backwards, perhaps i would ?

You are 60% Optimus Prime!
Current Listen : The Rambling Blabbers of The General Jealousy.. Wargh kargh kargh..

Optimus Prime

Optimus Prime is the heroic leader of the Autobots. He is the personification of courage, strength, and integrity. His personal motto is that “Freedom is the right of all sentient beings.”

Like Optimus Prime, you are good by nature. But beware because mischievous thoughts sometimes tempt you. You are inspiring, confident, and a natural leader. The Autobots have chosen well. In addition, you stick to the basics and don't need all the encumberances of modern technology.

" A Few Hours Away(s).. "

A few hours away from an anticipated mad-driving marathon, a few nerve-wrecking moments away from congested roads, a few hundred kilometers away from Kampung & two (2) days away from Raya. Hrmmm.. I don't really have things blogworthy, as TSP would like to say, to Blog out to begin with but i just like the feeling of writing "A few hours away.." from this & that before finally being there. It leaves me with weird sense of pleasure. Now, i'm starting to sound and feel like a Freekio.

Will be spending the next day and the 1st Raya at Kedah, not quite boring anymore comparing to the last 4-5 years, these kids have all grown up and we can do lotsa fun things together and Yan has had a laptop for quite some times now which means we can either kill the time by watching DVD's or capturing experimental photos utilizing the micro-mode feature and to extract them the instant they were taken. Sheer satisfaction.

I'm Ghost.

24 - Not The Mini Series, Mind You.

I was thinking.. " If tomorrow is a privilege not granted, i regret taking you for granted.. " Is it possible for me to turn it into something associated with more beauties ? I wish to rant more but my eyelids aren't doing me any justice by weighing so heavy that i can't help wanting to close its gap. Damnit.

But oh finally gained a little motivation, i've finally gotten rid of the swelling gums and stinging dental ache. Yay ! My Raya will not be ruined. Yay !! Damn, 5 glass of gargle & the blood is still not less crimson that it was on the first sip, shush.

Still on MC today.. Damnit, heavy work load awaits me smirkingly tomorrow. Shushhh, gimme a break willya ?

To Kill A Mockingbird

I'm filthy. Self Hate is growing and so is pain, physically and mentally. Whats left of Humanity inside me, is draining by the conceptions I once deem alien. A person is not a mere breeze in the evening, touched & begone, no, things will come back to haunt you. Their history, their life circles. Their laughters, their pain. Hideous. Damned.

On the lighter notes, i finished reading To Kill A Mockingbird after quite some times and glad i did. But felt a little holes in my routine these recent times. Shit, i already missed the Finches. Swollen gum, stinging dental pain, never-ending painkillers, a couple of movies, bukak puasa with some big portions of the family, 2 days MC sum up my fine - not weekend.

Shit, i'm dumb. Getting dumber -

The Sinner I Am

The weight of Guilt is unbearable, the damage dealt ? Fatal. I wondered what foolishness has come into my head that translates into my doings these past few days. Contrary to the Past few days they are, i somehow, feel like i'm inhaling the air of hopelessness for a tad too long. Not justified with the actual number of days it counts. Never comes down to me till she knocks me off balance from the fragile thread that i was walking on.

I am now dreading at the thought of my lengthy sins resulting from the disposal of my short sighted estimation.