I Refuse To Be Defeated

"I refuse to be defeated"

That was what popped up at the top of my head while busting my ass off on the elliptical machine during the third interval from the total of four of my workout today. That is 2/3 of May Week 2 target. One more to go and the set weekly target will have been achieved.

But I digress.

I felt somewhat amazed that such honest persistence would come from someone who would always pick the easy way out. Why I said honest persistence is because that was the most immediate thing that came to my mind during the usually most enduring part of the workout, the third interval. 

See, as I've written before, I always felt like crying during these workouts and you can imagine the face that I make during those times and you would have been wise to avoid walking in front of the carnage. For from my facial expression, you could be forgiven for thinking that I was mourning a lost continent to a natural disaster. 

This entry will sound quite forced for I am totally not in the mood to write but I just have to note this interesting finding.

So as I was saying, right at the very moment I feel sorry for myself, making sad faces and all. All of a sudden, I guess quite accidentally, because I was so drained, I made a smug face and lo! When I did, all of a sudden my mood changes from pitying myself to one of defiance, thus, "I refuse to be defeated!"

There are a few observations I wish to share from this experience but I guess that will be for another day, another entry.

For now suffice to say that I am so proud of you Fakhrol.

Journey

this image brings a frighteningly uncanny resemblance of myself right now

To start when you have stopped a while is always hard. Especially for someone like me. When I am invested in something there's practically nothing that can stop me from doing what I'm meant to do. But when I've stopped for a stint, that's when starting up is like dragging a hundred tonne cargo ship. 

Unlike running on the treadmill back then, these taxing workouts require me to rest at least for a day in between two workouts. Two days are ideal. I failed to meet up April's Week 4 and 5 targets. Thus, May is the month where I will cover the lost days, so I went 4 times in May Week 1, slashing the lost days to two. However, since 4 times feel somewhat taxing I took an initially planned 2 days rest which eventually ended up being 4 -_-"

It wasn't that I planned to skip them. I have in fact been readying my mental and to a degree, physical state to start only for other factors to catch up and eventually dragging me. One thing to note - or not to (since I knew this all along anyways) - is that procrastination will eventually lead me to skip the sessions altogether. What I need to do is just drop every fucking thing and get on the elliptical machine to avoid getting stuck on the computer screen and not able to enjoy it anyways, worrying and cursing my own weak mental state.

Sesungguhnya aku benci akan workout ini.

But its the shortest and the most effective route.

Progress, if I am honest, is basically none because for every step I took forward I leaped 5 backwards. After the trip to Penang I have not been careful with the stuffs I put inside my mouth.

Sniffs sniffs :(

All in all I am actually back to square one. In a careless moment I can still hear the sound of my own breathing. That means I am like super gemok right now and I hate it. But I have a good feeling about this one, here I am 2 months into my stop-start journey and I am still at it.

Sekian. Sebuah journal.

On Hold

Project Workout has to be put on hold for a bit coz I think I may have injured myself. If experience has taught me anything in the past, rushing things out, pushing yourself when you're supposed to let nature take its course and let it heal will almost always bring about negative consequences. 

Back then when I was chasing my 'ideal' weight I will always push through the pain, you thought you were being persistent when you're just being an idiot. It always ended up in a extended, prolonged duration of hiatus. Totally unnecessary if I would have just listened to what my body was telling me.

Today my body is telling me that there's a stabbing pain whenever I climb down the stairs (just weird its not climbing up), so I will listen to it. But not too long please.

Now I have to reshuffle my schedule to negotiate my way past this injury. Two more workout sessions pending in April Week 4.

Sighs. Rainy days. Lazy days. 

:)

After the super busy finals week where as mentioned in prior entry, high intensity workout is just too taxing, I went 4 days without working out. Hence, Project Workout was at risk of being another one of those in the long lines of projects to be labelled 'Work In Progress'.

I could be happy with myself alas, with just 3 days to spare to enter April's Week 4, I managed to meet the minimum target of at least working out 3 times in a calender week. 

Hence the Project Workout Schedule now looks a little bit more like a progress journal.

So now tonite am gonna stuff my tummy with stuffs I will probably regret 2-3 days from now.

Earth To Fakhrol

This here is another vicious cycle of lazi-ass-ness. 

I have been too preoccupied with the preparations of my examinations. Therefore, high intensity workout just will not do since it taxes too much of energy for me to even stay awake during the burning of the midnight oil. I am fucking tired. Even now I can still feel the weariness, residue of mentally and physically going all out. Alas, the fate of last minute study warriors. A spent force. But you still have to keep going.

I NEED to do it today and tomorrow if I were to follow my meticulously-lah-sangat planned workout schedule.

But as always. I hate it. I dread every fucking minute of it.

But the Positive Fakhrol keeps reminding me that I can edit this post after.

I guess that helps a little bit. Knowing that you can journalize the experience. Both the resenting of the workout and the feeling of doing it anyway. 

I'll see you in 30 minutes time. Or another 3 years, if procrastination got in the way.

Go go Last Minute Study Warrior!

Talking To Myself

Me: God I hate working out. 

This is the exact fear that I had before restarting with this high intensity training. I know that the first few weeks I will be doing fine and it will all look up and maybe I will even entertain the thoughts of me being consistent with a workout regime. 

Three weeks into the (basically) new fitness regime. 

The same thing. This familiar, dreadful feeling. 

First I put it off, dari lepas balik office ke lepas maghrib. Now its 9.13 PM and I still haven't started anything yet. 

I hate it I hate I hate it.

Fakhrol Yang Positif : OK, as a bonus. I'll let you edit this post when you're done with the workout. 

Me: Why would I want that ? Pfft

Edit: Whoever the fuck said that its gonna get easier with every workout is a damn fucking liar. I did it. 20 minutes of hellish hell. If people see me they're going to think that my shirt was soaked in sweat when its actually made of 95.6% unadulterated tears. - MFA