Vive Le Resistance!

There's something about death that fascinates people. Their actions nicer. Their images somewhat softer and their words,  all of a sudden much truer. 

Here's to the Resistance. The Princess of all Princesses.

"I looked over at him. A hero’s face — a few strands of hair fell over his noble, slightly furrowed brow… How could you ask such a shining specimen of a man to be satisfied with the likes of me?”

- Carrie Fisher 1956 - 2016

You Were...

15 years ago. Me, a new transfer student. And there was this girl, checking out my calculator. Giving me a somewhat sideway looks and didn't say a word. She may have thought that she was a delinquent or maybe she was trying to look cool in front of this new kid. Me, I was only too nervous about my hair doing a cameo in front of this cute girl therefore ruining her first impression.

That was my very first memory of you.

Fast forward, You and me. Man and a woman.

It's happened before. But this time around it looked like Facebook isn't giving up on reminding me. The picture of us with my mom in the middle during Hafiz's wedding. It's like a video of a painful memory playing on a loop. I know the feelings will pass but I know that this time it wouldn't just fizzle away like many a times before.

I had to see you. After what I did. It was selfish of me. I know.

Forgive me.

I didn't know what I was looking for but I had to see you.

There was something in the demise of our relationship that still pains me. That I had severed it unlike a man. A man would have had the balls and strength to say those things to you to your face. But I wasn't half the man I always portray myself to be.

We didn't have closure you and me. My actions denied us that. My selfish actions.

I had my reasons but there is simply no forgiveness in ending something that used to be so central in my life with a few drops of thoughtless texts.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, please forgive me.

I know it took me two years. Two years two late. Apologies long overdue. These past two years I thought I had maybe grown a bit, thinking there might just be a silver lining of hope. Two years away and thinking I had grown. I thought that maybe, just maybe we could, you know... That something was still there.

I was a fool and I still am the naive snot-nose that I thought I outgrew. 

You found someone.

And that is perfectly okay.

Malicious as I am I know I am happy for you. I am glad that it is him. In the perfect storm of your life, you found so sturdy a vessel. And from the bottom of my black heart, I am happy for you.

Congratulations HAQ.

Through these blurry eyes, via these my muffled screams and through these thousands of apologies, I would not deny myself gratitude. Thankfulness.

That for a while there, you were mine. For whatever little chances given to me and for however spectacularly have I squandered them.

Thank you HAQ.

For the many smiles.

For the many tears.

Thank you.

Know that you were MY inspirations. The stars in my nights. The many reasons of my near frowns.

To my best friend.

Book Updates!!!

2017 menjengah around the corner. Finally finished the book. This book and the other, somewhat make me feel a little bit tired with UK writers. They could drag the whole story around the bush telling you about nothing and they could do that, amazingly in 300 pages. 

The Normal Me would have quit long time ago. But I want to be a finisher. I wanna finish things I have started. So I soldiered on. 

Not to say that it's an entirely bad book, but the best parts, the parts that somewhat moved you were in the last hundred pages or so. Dang!

Look, I'm no expert to review books and stuffs. But damnnnnnn!

OK. Whatever.

Third book of 2016. Yay!

And still a month and a half away for at least one more book or a head start for 2017. Whichever comes first.

Please pardon the title. I'm a hopeless romantic, the little girl inside me cries for these corny, mushy stuffs. 

So there.

And Heart Is...

If ever we shall meet again in a universe parallel
Would you still call me Darlink, can I still call you Angel ?

Would you still love me if the circumstance we meet was different ?
Would you take my hand and ride off to a sunset in that rusty wagon ?

Would you laugh at my silly jokes or have you always knew ?
Dumb as I may joked I have NEVER when I said that I love you

If we were strangers brushing each other's shoulders on a train
I wonder if you would catch me staring from the opposite lane

I have said Hello to you so many times that I lost count
Though most of it happened in my mind & just outside of a frown

Hence if a day comes memory fails me & my mind shredded to pieces
I'll find my way back because home is where the heart is; 

And heart is wherever she is.

Mak...

With friends. Guy friends. Fuck you. Fuck me. Then we are not even bothered to shake hands. We go on. With the girls, well a little bit more complex. But we talked it out. Bam! We go again. With siblings. I fucking hate you you demonstrate exactly the same amount of hatred towards me, but if you would find yourself in a fight, you know I'll be there in your corner more than to wipe off the blood from your wounds, sweat and tears - I would help you deliver the killing blow and later help you hide the body.

With partners, well a story for anoother time. Well, they're you know, partners.

But with our Moms.

Its always a little bit extra delicate. You love her. You hate her. She disses you. You're angry. But you always come back. I wish I could be angry at my mom for a little bit longer. But I never can't.

So here's what I promise what I will try to do.

I will love you unconditionally.

No matter our differences. No matter our disagreements. I will always love you. So I'm gonna do what I have to do no matter how seemingly unpretty, so that I could love you. Simply because I love you Mak. And I will always do no matter how much I seem to contradict these words.

And I hope you know that. I dunno how frankly, what with me being the biggest asshole there is to you. But I hope you do. But I'll guess you'll never find it out from me.

Your ungrateful son.

Au Revoir Mouna

I guess I was never really good at expressing my feelings. Not verbally at least. I write poems and throw tantrums or I freeze somebody off when I'm angry.

Truth of the matter is I feel a lot. I'm actually quite devastated that Mouna will be leaving GHR for good and I dunno why. I was a newcomer. Apparently who's who in the ranking of the boss' favourites has already been established long before I decided to come in. 

Nonetheless, her departure fills me with grief I fail to describe. 

But all I could muster as parting words are just jokes - and deflective banters. Stupid sense of humor. They mask everything. Fucking everything. Whereas all I wanted to say was how I'm gonna miss her and I wish nothing but the very best for her, but also if she could come back one day, please do.

And for all that incredible capacity for emotions all my stupid self could muster was "Take care, Mouna." as I try to convey as much as I could through my eyes.

And of course putting on my best looking idiot face in what could probably be our last picture together.

You fucking stupid moron Fakhrol.

Au revoir, Mouna!

Book Updates

2016 is nearing an end. No firecrackers, no flashlights and no half naked girls congratulating me on my achievements for the year yet. Most probably due to the fact that I don't have any.

And United kalah. By that smugface mukababi Pep Guardiola.

But as is customary with yors truly, I started off reading something and finished another thing altogether. 

Whatever.

This. My second book of the year. All that extra hours in the toilet paid off I guess. So hrm, the title. Fuck it. A book is a book. I hope I came out a little wiser even after reading such a book. Not gonna review it. Too fucking lazy.

Laters you fucking punks.

Vicious Cycle

Aku memang pandai. Tido (tertido) awal sebab letih nak mampus harinie. Then stay up sampai sekarang (approx. 3.35 AM). Besok mengantuk lagi.

And the cycle continues.

To The Ones Who Actually Matter

Its one of those days. 

When everything inside you is made of sweet, marshmellowy stuffs. 

I mean I could write a poem to immortalize the zenith-like feelings I have for them and write it in such a way that would have you thinking that ours is a summer breezed, Versailles-like garden of a tale. So grandeur an affair.

But I would be lying.

Because truth of the matter is its not. No, even that would be a gross understatement simply because families irk you 99% of the time! Nod your head and smile if you agree. 

I know. 

They're assholes, manipulative and selfish !@#$%^%^*!

But  in spite of all the pain they inflicted so kindly on your ass, despite those MINOR flaws, you love them anyways. You love them so fiercely that if you were to mess with my brother you gotta be prepared to have me as an enemy. And if you would have the misfortune of messing with my sister, oh well, she would have probably gotten your nose broken at this point anyways and would have your rib cages shattered for good measure.

Mess with my parents. Then its you and I.

The very point that I'm trying to deliver home through this mess of unintelligible ramblings is that I love you guys. Through thick. Through thins. Through hardships. Through eases. Through the rains and through the scorching sun. I love you guys.

You fucking rock! 

Narcisus Snobbe

My name is Narcis, my middle name Snobbish
I'm prickly I'm scheming and I'm also a little selfish

You don't have to be subtle about your dislike for me, I ain't slow
Thats up to you but if I don't like you you sure as hell would know

lol OK I lied if I don't like you you won't see coming until the very end
You'll only know it when you check the count of your Facebook friends

If I have 2 bullets and left in a room with a killer a rapist and you
No brainer! I would shoot you twice before you could count to two

To know me makes you unfortunate but to mess with me was a crime
Sit there & repent while you collapse your lung one breath at a time

p/s: What a name would Narcicus Snobbe would have made! lol

My Ship Couldn't Dock

There's a wall in front of me
But you know me. I'm fucking lazy.

Looking for the will to climb and I haven't found it
So instead I look for ways to go around it.

A wall made of tall so long a line, the end I couldn't fine.
So left I am in contemplation if this is all in my mind ?

Brilliance is the destination I sailed to but my ship couldn't dock
Is this what they meant when they mentioned a writer's block ?

Cipher 10 Menit (Tipu!)

Gambar hiasan

Torrents of miseries

In these oceans of memories

Ashes of what once was

Scattered along one's cause

Warriors of fate

Braving horrors of state

Twice I peeked halting, not once did I peep stopping 

I stood up when everything else keeps dropping

Forgive me for thinking that I & You should spell forever

I forgot you don't always get four putting two & two together

p/s: See ? I still got it! 

Saya Sebuah Buku

I dunno if I should do this at the end of year or now. The fact that I'm writing in spite of the thought means you already know what I'm going with. Thank you subconscious, you are definitely the more decisive one in comparison with your physical counterpart who is clearly a fickle-minded schoolgirl. Damn you Fakhrol.

Anyways, true to my fickle schoolgirl nature. I have officiated 2016 with a love story novel. This Is A Love Story by Jessica Thompson. I was so damn annoyed the entire time I was reading this, well alrite, halfway through the second half. God. Grow some fucking balls already goddamnit! Alrite anymore beans spilling would spoil it for those of you who might have too many time on their hands and might wish to read this. 

Plus, I don't think the ball-less-ness situation is conjured by the author entirely for sake of pulling the readers. There are a certain degrees of truth in it as well. Heck, it took me.. Well, that's another story for another time (or dimension, well hello Matthew McCounaghey!). So I kinda can forgive him.

So that's my first book for 2016. Better log it now before I fucking forgot. Well, my second book... Damn. I finally know now that I'm such a fucking gooey at heart. OK, I lied, I've already known it for a long time. Well, my second book is titled 'The Two of Us', Damn. I concede I am a little embarrassed to a admit that. More on that on my second log of 2016.

Two books. Half a year. Hrm.

Bird Watching

There's a National Geographic moment happening in my backyard right now. Ada sekor burung who'd built a nest on what's left of that small piece of yard behind our house. Selebihnya, according to my father, has all been and I quote - "Belanda rampas tanah". (LOL)

Mak buat wet kitchen dekat belakang tu and she's seriously not happy that bapak keeps on mentioning the Belanda rampas tanah thinggy. lol.

But anyways, back to the burung story.

Damn. What an interesting thing to happen. Small piece of land. A barely grown tree with branches and leaf so scarce, people would thought that we erected the damn thing over there. But life finds a way. There you are a mother bird who would constantly fly off to God knows where and two (or three, I cannot yet ascertain) hatchlings who would only make any sort of sound when mommy comes back with a large opening on her mouth along with KFC. In fact they were so silent, there a few times I wondered if they had abandoned their nest, since there is also a minor construction going on on of our neighbour's house and its fucking noisy. But they're good. They're really good. In one of my stalkings I could see one of the bald hatchlings being more aggressive than the others. 

Oh well.

Maybe I'll take pictures sometimes. But I don't wanna scare the mommy off. Hrm.

Nuang & Some Other Side Notes

I just stumbled upon an entry I wrote in 2012 about a copycat blog, my copycat blog. lol. What a poyo guy. Biar la budak tu nak plagiat your thoughts. You should be proud. Things we do in our younger days. And the foolishness they allow. Makes you smile. (Makes you feel all the same, unfortunately)

Anyways.

As we speak, Hadi and Jahed, my nephew are climbing up Gunung Nuang again today. I wanted with all my heart to topple her again. A peak denied me when I injured myself climbing the top of her in 2013. Notice the sexual innuendo there ? Well, me neither. Back to the topic, I injured myself climbing the mountain because I thought wearing jeans while climbing up a 4,898 ft mountain was a good idea. One that I pains-takingly, literally, learned was not a few hours later.

There is a time window you have to adhere to when climbing up Nuang. You have to be the at the peak and start making the climb down by or around 2 PM to avoid getting trapped climbing down treacherous path in the dark. And I'm not kidding when I say treacherous. I've heard stories that there were these couple of guys who were lost and and ended up at Janda Baik! Which is not too weird considering, if you take a look at the map above, that Nuang is situated between two states namely Selangor and Pahang. But let me offer another perspective, you basically started off your hike in Pahang and end it in Selangor! lol.

We were late, of course, caused by the injury of our members, me and Jahed, the two fatties who went and get their selves injured in an outdoor activity that was supposed to be fun. Goddamnit Fakhrol!

I had intended to put the picture of Nuang's peak I would search from Google but fuck it, no. Am going to conquer her one day and then and only then will I share with you the pictures. The ones that I'm gonna take myself. If not for class commitments I have, I would have been wetting my socks with her cold river streams now. Sighs.