Mak...

With friends. Guy friends. Fuck you. Fuck me. Then we are not even bothered to shake hands. We go on. With the girls, well a little bit more complex. But we talked it out. Bam! We go again. With siblings. I fucking hate you you demonstrate exactly the same amount of hatred towards me, but if you would find yourself in a fight, you know I'll be there in your corner more than to wipe off the blood from your wounds, sweat and tears - I would help you deliver the killing blow and later help you hide the body.

With partners, well a story for anoother time. Well, they're you know, partners.

But with our Moms.

Its always a little bit extra delicate. You love her. You hate her. She disses you. You're angry. But you always come back. I wish I could be angry at my mom for a little bit longer. But I never can't.

So here's what I promise what I will try to do.

I will love you unconditionally.

No matter our differences. No matter our disagreements. I will always love you. So I'm gonna do what I have to do no matter how seemingly unpretty, so that I could love you. Simply because I love you Mak. And I will always do no matter how much I seem to contradict these words.

And I hope you know that. I dunno how frankly, what with me being the biggest asshole there is to you. But I hope you do. But I'll guess you'll never find it out from me.

Your ungrateful son.

PKR Dungu

Heheh. Am still up because tomorrow there's a paper called Banking Operation which basically is just non stop tirades about banking activities in Malaysia from the fixed depo sampai la MIDF. Just to belagak and show off terms I just come to know after 3 to 4 months worth of semester :D

I've covered pretty much 3.5 - 4 past year paper. So now am feeling all confident. Bajet boleh lepas. In Sha Allah. Will cover a little bit more I guess but now my tummy is drumming war songs and I think Megi would be the most viable source of energy but I have been quite strict with my nocturnal diet of late, limiting mouth exercises to only one fruit worth of carb per night. Malam ni langgar habis dah sebab Mak masak dalca kari terbaik dari ladang. But I figure its OK since I'll be up until late. Who knew when you're 'up until late' you get into another cycle of hungriness.

Btw the title of the post is totally unrelated. Anyway I have been seething against PKR for quite some time now but lately I think they're getting dumber and dumber. Kalau dah bodoh. Research results dengan personal opinion pun tak boleh nak beza. Heheh.

Ingat nak reply je tadi but since I have promised myself to stop these petty campaigns against the tak-boleh-diselamatkan I'll just post it in my blog then. My personal blog. My personal opinion.

Mak..

"Ayah hang dulu time muda-muda, pakaikan helmet Mak siap tenung lama-lama lagi. Laa ni, kalau Mak gelak-gelak, dia siap pukui helmet ataih kepala Mak. Punggg!"

A recycled entry but ♥

Nanti Baru Aku Title Kan

It must have been hard to love me kan, Mak ?

Harapan. 

Harapan yang firstborn ko akan pave the way for his brothers and sister. It never really took off. Hantar pegi SDAR (Sekolah Dato' Abdul Razak) - balik separuh jalan.

Harap that your firstborn boleh jadi Doktor. So that adik-adik yang lain could follow suit. For all the potentials, the talent yang aku ada, aku end up struggling at the shallow end of the cycle.

Pegi kolej sebab aku hell-bent kata aku nak jadi animator. This is my life. This is my principle. Konon. Ah. A wisdom of a 19 year old boy. Who thought he knew everything. Who thought he knew what he wanted.

Aku end up balik separuh jalan lagi bila things started to fall apart with my then best friend.

Kata Mak still teringat lagi kat telinga aku. "Tunggu la, kot-kot Yong boleh tolong masuk UiTM". And the stupid 19 year old cakap. No, this is my life. My principle. Haih. Can I slap that stupid kid tak ?

But then again, it wasn't all bad I guess. Throughout the journey of finding oneself, I discovered loads of things. Many an individual who I don't think I would have crossed path with, had my journey been a smooth sail instead of rocky stop-start.

It might sound like regret, which is partly true of course, but a regret with a pinch of thankfulness ? I dunno seriously.

Tapi tu la.

Aku bukan anak yang baik. Cakap Mak, kalau kata jarang nak denga, is an understatement. Kadang-kadang aku rasa SEBAB Mak aku cakap yang aku rasa aku somehow kena betah. Aku rasa kita semua ada sikit prejudice dekat parents kita (bless you if you don't!). The same stuff, kalau keluar dari mulut orang lain, kata Yong ke (big cousin who I'm closest with, who weirdly, happen to be Mak's childhood friend growing up). So the same stuff, kalau keluar dari mulut Yong akan nampak reasonable dan well constructed tapi bila dia datang dari Mak, dia akan nampak macam attack against your individuality.

Tapi memang pun. Make no mistake about it. Mak-mak memang macam tu. Its their innate motherly feelings, I guess, their first primal instinct is to protect their youngs from harm. Cuma more often than not dorang tak perasan that their overprotectiveness tu actually does more harm than good. Rasa nak sambung. Tapi match MU dah nak start.

Kbai.

Thank YOU For Loving Me For All That I Am & Most Importantly For All That I Am NOT

I know I'm a hard person to love.

Grumpy, perenguih (perengus), buruk tabiat, buruk lantak. I'm far from what you may call sebijik epal dimataku ? (Apple of my eye lol).

I have my bad days and I have my slightly bad days. 80% tu bad days, another 20 are bad days that I somehow manage to salvage and luckily turn into a slightly cheerful ones.

To say that I have my faults is an understatement.

I bark at the slightest perceived (yes, perceived) confrontations. I got emotional during what you may call light discussions. With a face only a mother can love, I know I must have put her through a lot. The perseverance, the faith and the believe that I am somehow, more than the sum of my own faulty parts, sometimes just brought me close to tears.

But that's just me.

One minute I feel like crying over the fact that my mother has sacrificed A LOT for me during my years of ketidakgunaan. Dia still percaya yang aku boleh jadi berjenih (berjenis). Jadi orang. Jadi somebody. Someone yang berguna untuk agama, masyarakat dan bangsa. Or at the very least, tak jadi sampah yang menyusahkan orang.

So, one minute I feel like crying, thinking about what Mak has done for me. Seminit lepas tu aku boleh jerit dekat muka dia because I feel trippy over what she had said about how messy my room always seems to be. Its a seriously complex feelings that I have for her, I love her like no other person on earth and at the same time, she can and has a tendency to get on my last nerves. I mean I love her but.. lol.

Aku tau aku anak / abang / kawan / partner yang teruk.

But I guess what I'm trying to say is THANK YOU. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for loving me for all that I am. And most of all..

Thank YOU for loving me, when I least deserve it.

- Fakhrol. 

p/s: Bajet ramai orang sayang la tu. Cis!

The Tak Boleh Tido Post

I should have a label that says 'Tak Boleh Tido Post' because as far as I could recall, I lost count of how many of these posts I've had over the years of ranting.

Apparently, I have overestimated my ability to beat the might of a cup (a Koley, in actual sense of things. You're not sure what this is, don't you bimbo ? hihih) - so apparently, I have GROSSLY overestimated my ability to beat down Nescafe every time we lock horns in battle. 9 times out of 10 I would beat Neskape, hands down.

But not this time.

Is this the sign of age ?

It sure feels like 'old' the way I cannot sleep over a meer koley of Neskape. I mean I used to take 2 shots (big ones) and I would later fall asleep on my keyboard.

What the hell happened ?

To think that I used to laugh at Mak for being scared shitless of having Neskape around night time.

And it chose to happen at the worst of time still. Besok nak sahur, lepas tu nak pegi keje. Homaigawd! I remember drinking Neskape like plain water when I was trying to study for my finals and fell asleep as fast the addictive fluids down my throat.

Not then. But NOW.

I am going to be dreadful what with all the numbery details that I have been dirtying myself with lately, tomorrow.

Hadoi.

Soul Searches

I have a severe problem of communicating how I feel at a needle-point accuracy, so to speak, verbally. I find solace under the shelter and might of the pen. I have always envied ones with a tongue so eloquent they manage to convey WHAT they want and WHEN they need to exactly in the right amount of words and just enough vocavulgarity (ies) without ever having to sidetrack to profanity.

Mak said I was probably slightly neglected during my earliest childhood. My sister was born when I was barely a year they said. But March 3, 1984 to November 11, 1985, I think that makes up about 1 year and 8 months ++. Still was there lack of attention that I have this problem of expressing myself ?

I have always felt somewhat short in the art of what my colleague would call the Taichi. The masterful art of deflecting hits and redirecting it to someone else first before finding out the facts and figures yourself, of which, by that particular time, the attention has winded down so much, it might as well had never happened.

Hence during my early years with my current employer, I always have to write down what and how I feel to make sense of things, I wrote down every last details of the affair. I had to dig and I had to dig deep. And lo,  it makes so much more sense when I write them down. I was able to dissect what and how I feel compared to just feeling enraged ALL THE FUCKEN TIME. 

Yes, rage. Very productive.

I had no idea how to solve things, therefore I break them. Its not that I discard the art of effective communication altogether, its just that by the time I do employ them, the tone will almost always be slightly higher than what's required to be effective. Thus, there's no such thing as anti climax ending to my confrontations. They always have to be either 'hideous' ugly or they never happened to have an ending.

Last but not least. Fruitful discussions and effective communications are all pretty, only you happened to be ugly. So pardon me not when I snap.

Baju Melayu

Source: Uploaded by user via Mohd Fakhrolruzi on Pinterest

The moment I finished shopping dekat Jalan Masjid India, I was determined I would definitely up this entry. So before I forgot..

I was befuddled at the price I was looking at for Baju Melayu in the vicinity of Wisma Yakin. I thought they were gonna be cheaper or at least at par with what Puchong had to offer (in the region of 100 bucks/ pair) - albeit with abundance of choice.

Buoyyyyyyyy was I clueless. Wisma Yakin is definitely a cut-throat place to go to buy your Baju Melayu needs, especially on the Eve of Aidilfitri. I half suspected they bloated the prices during this time. It only make sense, the demand was up by at least a thousand-fold, and nobody's gonna buy Baju Melayu or Baju Kurung every month. So why not squeeze out the entire year's fortune now. Well, that's a theory I should prove later.

The purpose of this entry is that so I won't forget how much expenditure was involved in getting Baju Raya every year. So that I'll have some benchmark of how much should I pay for the upcoming years. Don't get me wrong I wouldn't mind paying a little higher than usual for quality but then again, I hate paying over the odds.

And to the sighing relief of mine, mine's quality as far as comfort goes. Its just the colours that I pick though. I have this slight weakness for dark colours. I picked it out regardless of realizing that how much purple there is on the canvas. I thought what the fuck, the year before was pure purple. This one ada pin-stripes. So what the heck la kan. And balik, I realized that Hafiz and Ayah had 2 identical colours, both of which I totally forgot to put into equation when making that smart-ass decision. But then again, what the heck, aku rasa lawa.

One issue tho (well, aside from the striking similarity of course) - the samping / sampen (somebody please shed me some light about this please) - The samping, I have vowed on my mother's cat's grave that I wouldn't go for that kind of material which I have given up upon a couple years back - due to the impossibility of ironing it. And the price, my sweet God - RM 145. Gila. But the colours, the colours just match my Baju Melayu. And again, I rammed down all vows, promises and silent revenge vouches I've made with myself through the loneliness of the nights years before.

All in all, I was surprised at myself for I have never been one to spend so much on Baju Melayu. To think that a few years before I personally requested Mak to only give me the top half of the Baju Melayu, for I know that the seluar is gonna be wasted. I won't wear it again after the first day of Raya. I know it.

What a difference a few years had made. But then again spending close to 300 bucks for Baju Melayu had never been me and I don't think it probably should. Perhaps, perhaps if I hadn't be so desperate since that was the last weekend before Raya (the disadvantage of having Raya on weekends!) and if not for keluar dengan Zul dengan Hadi at 4.30 pm on a Saturday evening (and Zul has been bugging to get back for bukak puasa dekat rumah. !@#$%^&*) - I maybe wouldn't have spent that much money.

But then again, the colours and the price aside - the quality is justified. Perhaps I might just come back again next year :P

Ride To Write

I took a look at all the drafts. The ones posts that I either dare not publish or I somehow lose the appetite to publish. For I am one hell of an impulsive writer, or doer, for that matter. I rarely write with my head, I ride my emotions to write. Thus, when the mood swings to arctic cold, I would just drop the pen, literally speaking, and poof.

But when I take a look back, the draft posts, the ones that I write not trying to be pretty or decent, are the source of a great great inspiration. Some of the stuffs I wrote when I was pissed or madly in love are just.. Yes somebody pass me the Bakul already. I'll get in and pick it up myself. And go and try to figure this Malay idiom in play. Or else, feel free to - Oh well..

I am a free spirit trapped in the rigidity of trying to be pretty. Perhaps, the need to feel accepted. Was I attention-deficient growing up ? Mak said I was.

This is some very random shit. From some very random thoughts.

♥

"Ayah hang dulu time muda-muda, pakaikan helmet Mak siap tenung lama-lama lagi. Laa (sekarang) ni, kalau Mak gelak-gelak, dia siap pukui helmet ataih (atas) kepala Mak. Punggg!"

How cute.

Mak, as she grumbles her way on top of my FZ complaining that Ayah has yet to lower down the passenger's foot rest for her to step on. The combination of the 'stiff' foot rest and the vertically challenged midg- I mean Mak are just too darn adorable.

I love You. And NOTHING will take that away from me.

Happy Birthday Mak.

You aren't the best. No. For 'The Best' means, you're expendable. You're simply, Irreplaceable.

Sunami.

"Klu boleh elak keluar wktu hujan. radio aktif sempena SUNAMI d jepun" -

Reads Mak's SMS. To think that a couple of years ago she would throw the phone away when it rang to now, her,using such sophisticated shortforms is some amazing stuffs.

But still Sempena. And SUNAMI ? That's just too cute. Haha.

Sayang Mak.

THE PISSED THE FUCK OFF POST.

God am so fuckin pissed I don't even know how to deliberate nonchalance. I'm shaking from anger. WHO THE FUCK YOU THINK YOU ARE ? You're Syapie Apdal's wife ? So what ? So what makes you so fuckin special god fuckin damnit ? Embrassed my mother like that, then having the audacity to ask her where she works ? She's a Nobody, you dumb bloody idiot. You on the other fuckin hand are a MINISTER'S WIFE, BODOH. Pukiamak kau.

I am so tinkering with going all the way - Opposition would love this don't they ? And NOT TO MENTION, Government's favorite hate pot. Fuckin read: Malaysia Today. Fine you wanna play the rough ball since I bet you husband's are from being one. Fine, lets go all the fuckin way. Lets fuckin go.

The Law of Attraction.

When it comes to the Law of Attraction, Mak has proven to me time & time again that determination and hell-bent desire of wanting something alone are able to show you the path that you seek, regardless of how clueless you are at the moment, on how to get it.

Law of Attraction dictates;

"..which is like unto itself is drawn. if you really want something and truly believe it's possible, you'll get it, but putting a lot of attention and thought onto something you don't want means you'll probably get that too."

Its something like When she wants Wan to enroll in Petronas engineering program, she wants it. She doesn't know how its gonna be done. But she wants it nonetheless. So what she does next was to try and tap every potential fountain of chances and tries to do the unthinkable. Things that us intelligent guys dismiss as needlessly stubborn and embarrassing.

For her, she didn't get the chance to further her studies as far as she would have wanted to. And for that particular reason too, she didn't grow up knowing why things CANNOT BE DONE. All she knows is what she wants - and how to get it, or at least how to get near it until its within sniffing distance.

One of the main problem of intelligent guys is the fact that we have this certain idea of how things should and shouldn't work.

In a study conducted by I dunno who (it was mentioned in on of those cult-conventions), so yea, there was this study conducted on habitual behavior of the stock brokers. The purpose of the study was to compare the stock-broking performance of the fresh graduates who learn to do it by the books, the Book-Smarts, and ones who I'd like to refer to as Street-Smart - individuals who had to learn it through observations and practical learning in contrast of theoretical elements.

Interestingly, the study indicated that the Street Smarts tend to do exceptionally well in contrast of their Book Smart counterparts.

Why ? The study went on to mention that the Book Smarts tend to hold to on to their stocks when it was high-time for them to sell. The Street Smarts in comparison, sold their stocks at the word go. We are not talking about primary school kids or some doubtful IPTA grads here, we're talking Cambridge, Harvard and whatnots.

But how in the hell.. ? That's whats interesting. The intelligent guys, like yourself. Time to ponder.

I sometimes feel ashamed that in spite of my bottomless capacity and potentials - I am not able to want as bad as Mak does. I lack the believe that this and that could be done. I lack the believe in myself. And I avoid hardships in life and choose to do what works over and over again.

Looking at her contagious determination makes you want to try harder. I feel renewed. So lets start by playing Dota.

Sighs..

My Mom said that I need to be more matured and more responsible. God, do I feel stupidly kiddish. Am 25 and having this kind of issue.

On my part, I thought am having enough burdens to carry. And no one really to share, albeit a very few that I am so lucky to know of. I feel heavily inclined to spill but not knowing how to even spit, let alone puke.

I shoulder burdens that I so carefully juggle to protect every ones that I hold dear. To protect them from any potential emotional debris they are bound to indulge themselves in should they come to know.

And am neither responsible nor matured I am. Maybe its time I get out of the house. Just to be more responsible and matured all the same.

As Good As Untitled.

Ibu, I miss u so much now. Wish u were here. Come home soon Mak. I miss u so. Even more so... I cant sleep just yet and tomorrow's the day of an event. Ibu, please tell me everything's alright. God, I miss your lap. Let me cry on it.

am exhausted, yet my cruel eyes did not yet permit me my much required sleep.
got a thousand words to say and fumbled at the first parting of these lips.

ibu balik la cepat. :(

Happy Birthday, Mak.

Mak is being attacked by an unidentified monstrous entity.

Mak went 49 just now. Happy Birthday Mak. She's aging. Thanks for all the love & the care that you've given us these good 25 years. I love U, from the bottom of my heart I do. Regardless of my weird ways and the tendency to never be transparent about my feelings and things.