MAHB

I'm leaving a place where everybody loves me. Or at least they know me. And respect me. Am leaving a place where I learn how to spell my name and be proud of it.

And in doing so, I'm leaving behind friends, memories, stories and most importantly. I'm leaving somewhere where I belong.

It is hard. No matter casual I might seem. I'm gonna swim in new waters.

At the dawn of my days in MAHB, I wanna go and visit all the places, people and units that I have over the years grew fond of. Kak Ida, Tuti, Kak As. Yanti, Nazrul. Ah, the people. The faces. The laughters. Am just so bad at goodbyes.

Fuck. 

In those memories also lie the tombstones of losses incurred along the journey. Abang Ali, Shahnaz...

Haih MAHB.

Tootache

Lazy as hell but just have to post this. So that I'll remember. 

I dunno what's with me. Every year during Ramadhan. There will be a day I fall gravely ill, so to speak. Not fatal, Alhamdulillah. Rather, more about the state I was in. The gravely pain.

The pain was just... Unbearable is exaggerating it. But God.. There were times I feel like crushing my own jaw due to the pain. I was sleepless. 

Totally sleepless the night before. 

I had to run to the clinic at 4 in the morning and riding my bike in the process while the world felt like doing extra turns with every coming minute. Finally arrived and the doctor looked more interested in furthering his shut-eyes rather than his patient. Couldn't blame him really, its 4 friggin a.m! Though that little piece of rationality didn't stop me from feeling like shoving his face in, facially reconstructing it for him.

So yesterday was one of my annual 'gravely sick' day during Ramadhan. Seriously, it's become an affair per annum for I dunno how many consecutive years already.

Edit: Seriously, like seriously, I'm thinking of having a 'Annual Ramadhan Gravely Sick' label if I got sick again next year! (hopefully I would be able to see one, Insha Allah)

P/S: And in lieu of that thought, you just cannot but think about a deceased friend, a recently deceased one. Al-Fatihah. I hope you're doing fine out there, old friend. 

P/S/S: Sedih.

30th April 2008

For all the things I did not say. For all the things I did not mean to say. For all the things I won't be able to say. I hate you. Goddamnit I hate you but I love you buddy.

Here's me missing a friend.

Grieving

"Appreciate every mixtape your friends make,
You never know we come and go like on the interstate"

- Gym Class Heroes

Farewell Old Friend II

We were close at one point. Very close. But a patchy relationship ensues a few years back. But once in a while we still go lepak and enjoy a cup of coffee laughing at our days of being stupid together. And once in a while we still enjoy a smoke or two together. But I felt that he's grown too different to make the hanging out together more frequent. He must've felt that I changed too. But him being the annoyingly lovable idiot he was, the dude just kept pouring in harassing messages and calls. Of which I was ever indifferent about.

Until the very last night before his eternal departure, he was texting me. And I..

Dear God.

My eyes misted, all over again.

Farewell Old Friend

 

This morning a friend of mine passed away on his way to the office. He got involved in a car accident. And I just got back from his funeral. So many words to say but I'm just too overwhelmed with feelings right now.

Hence a teary goodbye and Al-Fatihah should suffice.

The Fucketh List Updated, Again.
Current Listen: Lenka - The Show.mp3

Aku dok sibuk godek packages to Redang or a few other islands along the shore which I utterly hate. The godek-ing part, not the pulau, mind you.

And I suddenly came to a realization - YOU WORK AT THE GODDAMNED AIRPORT, YE DIMWIT !!!1111

And airport authority at that. What the fuck. Maybe I should use some exhortations to squeeze the most spankfuckingly outrageous cheap package out of the Travel agents. Hrm.

The last time I went there, me and Shanaz we just terjah the hell out of everything and it wasn't peak season or anything. So there wasn't any need to pre-plan or anything. And we were so lucky that the package was quite reasonable, you know given the impulsive nature of the trip. 2 ferry trips (pergi balik), 4 meals, 1 snorkeling erm or 2 ? Tah. And a room with 2 beds for around RM 280 - 2 days. And if you were to stay longer, you get about the same price with a longer staying period, like a few dudes who later became our friends on the islands.

Oh and maybe its not Redang after all, I've been there once, so am looking at Lang Tengah as a prospect. So even if my family hadn't been there yet, Lang Tengah is technically still Redang, on the basis that its along the same shore with it. That'll do the trick I guess. lol.

The Fucketh List Updated.

1. Tioman dengan Shahnaz
2. Langkawi ngan Amin a few freak honchos.
3. Lang Tengah ?

The Fucketh List II

These past few days have been the most confusing, if not shattering. It's been scary. But I guess that's just one of the ingredient of a cuisine we call Life. So yea, moving on, things are slowly looking up for me. And Everything seems to make Cents again. So with a few dollars that remains, Project My Fucketh List commences..

Here are some of the immediate goals projected for Project Fucketh List. (lol) The rest shall follow, when I feel like updating, yea sue me.

1. Pulau Langkawi (err.. again ?) - But this time around with a bunch or friends, you mofo !
2. Somewhere East Coast M'sia - Non Gay Bachelor party somewhere with Shahnaz and maybe a few fuckers of his caliber. Ha ha..

So whats good ? The drive, the roads, the cigs and the skir- err, the food I mean.

My shoes are buckled. Lets go ! :D

Idealism. Nota Kaki : This is as real as it could be, mcm Cerekarama, tapi bukan.

Our wishes and hopes are childish idealism, faced against the harsh surface of Reality. Us, fragile humans are bound to succumb to horrendous pitfalls. At times, we could never go back, back to something that was us.

A friend of mine was dreading at his seeming fault, running through self inflicted mental torture, blaming himself on things he thought he did. Weeping and having no one to hear your tears. Painful. I know the dude, obnoxious, arrogant, hoo-haa, I-Dont-Give-A-Flying-Fuck type asshole. But he weeped. He weeped for the girl.

Was I taken aback for the fact that he cried & dread so much, and alone for the fact. He wasn't him when i was talking to him yesterday. The dude's messed up and most of the time lost his points and direction. So much so at times, i had to tell him to shut up and let me make my points first. And the arrogant bastard did too, and EVEN THANK ME later for that. Shocking ? Tell me about it.

Belanja him drinks, asked him to sit and even bring the beverage to the table in my shallow attempt of making the session as comfortable as I can for him. (Oh, I don't usually do this for gentlemen, mind you, so all ya fucken' Gheys, bugger off now !)

S : I've got a girlfriend of hrmm, from 2001 to 2008, how long is that ?
Me : Wow. Thats erm, around 6 - 7 years man !
S : Yea, that long. * long pause *
Me : Now relax, and tell me what happen dude..
S : She's engaged dude, to someone else..
Me : What the Fu-, what happen man ?
S : We got involved in an accident. Both of us..
Me : Uh-huh. * nods nods *

The ramblings went on and I pretty much garnered that the blames are on his shoulder, as he asserted his guilt after every few words he spilled. But in the midst of the messed up state he was in, he was as resolute as a man who's willing to gamble everything, including his life, in a single turn of wheels and put everything behind, for the girl. He's already got a one way ticket to Terengganu, though the Definite Major Purpose of him going there, wasn't properly defined, I know in his heart, he needs to see the girl, and the girl FIRST, before anything else. I was moved, though a little skeptical on the lack of planning in the little plan of his.

I told him that he's got my full support and he's not alone in this. I will back whatever decision that he's come and will come to, so long as the decisions are made within the borders of Rationality. Not maneuvered by neither his anger nor frustration.

I told him to go run and get her back.

But as idealistic as we were, deep in my heart I know that Reality isn't as nice as we would've hoped for. The damage has been done and it will take more than the distance of the travelling to undo the fix. Thus, i reminded him that nothing, NOTHING is guaranteed to work 100 % as we would idealistically hope for. That first. Secondly, the damage is already on its semi-permanent stage, if not permanent, hence, the travelling and the assuring processes might take a while, tiring and sometimes seemingly pointless, but maybe, just maybe, if we put enough faith, even a frozen ocean might melt into a flowing sea again. Oh saya sungguh puitis !

To be, or not to be continued. My preference. :D

Laters.

Raizzen