Please Insert An Emoticon ____

..Tell me to live without & how am I supposed to ? U defines my heartbeat
It still doesn't feel real 'til I woke up with a pillow full of tears that I bleed..

Scared of the dark, yet somehow, the feeling that your hands are within reach
..has got me feeling like am thousand miles away when I've just moved an inch..

Its only so much and already I've missed U, a feeling that places NONE above U
A recurring sound that sounds a little something just like this - I Love U.

At The End of The Day.. INU Still Defines US II.

The whole world could've turned their back on you
They walk not their talks, run a mile in your shoe ?

Oh Please.

Fuck livin' Lavish, rather enjoy the Luxury of your company..
.. and only, ONLY Nothing could come between You & me..

.. for I shall be the light from the darkness that befriends U..
..Coz Darling, at the end of the day - I told U, its still INU.

At The End of The Day.. INU still Defines US.

I tried to word out how meaningful you are to me..
& only manage to phrase the literal surface of Thee.

Penning the weight of my feelings on the lightness of these pages
Inking the plays of 'I love U' on the center stage

6 million lives that define the entire earth's population
And all I want is this one mere soul - fuck the other portion.

If luving U is Right, then I dont care of whats Left !
& Life could've struck me with harsh notes, I rather be tone deaf.

Grant me this dance for it takes 2 to Tango, and sway
Audienced by the stars, dance flooring the milky ways

If U ask me, no yer not the only one in my heart - yer one with it !
Tell me to live without & how am I supposed to ? U defines my heartbeat.

Pardon my ways that are no stranger to being strange & weird
But even after that, you're still the one I love, period.

Just know that if yer drowning in your tears
I'm sinking within oceans of guilt, dear.

SHE treads silver linen in the sky SHE graces
And draws about golden sparkle for the place SHE hovers

SHE's but a paper plane, one that I'd shelter through the rain
One I'd live with and to die for - nevermind the pain.

SHE's but a paper plane, seemingly fragile.. yet ambitious !
SHE is - One that I luv, substance I need for INU to define US.

Khir Toyo Has Got Himself A Bologggg !!!!11
Nota Kaki : Saya masih skeptikal. Tiada kemaafan dipinta, pun begitu. :/

Pix courtesy of - shw.fotopages.com

Khir's Legendary Bologggg!!!!11

The Untitled Post.

Mat Nor : Ko tak tau .. ? Abang Ali dah meniggal.. (No, you dunno ? Ali has passed away..)

Myself : Aaaa.. ? Bila .. ? (When was that ?)

Mat Nor informed me and I pause to check on his facial expression, trying to ascertain whether or not this is one of those pre-April Fool slapsticks. And there he was, serious as hell and there I was too, numb & dumbfounded. Knocked by a bunch of mixed feelings, I was in shock, disbelief and more so, Sorrow. I mean we used to had breakfast and jokes with each other and it just felt like it was just yesterday I was having breakfast with him. And now this ? It just seems so Unreal.

He was a good man, big hearted for somewhat small position he was entrusted to. Smiles have never failed to be within the vicinity of his face. A peculiar habit of shaking everybody's hands despite meeting them like ALMOST everyday. We sometimes laugh at this weird habit of his, but that just goes to show how much of a good man he was, I mean we find it peculiar, because we ourselves, COULD NOT HAVE DONE what the man had done.

Sedihnya.

"..And now am dreading and taunting myself with bitter and useless questions.."

Why do Fireflies depart so soon.. ?

Al-Fatihah.

In the schmiling memories of Mohd Ali Napiah bin Majid,

Rzn
23 Rabi'ul Awal 1429 Hijrah
31st March 2008
10.06 AM

Current Listen : Blue October - Hate Me.mp3

I feel totally outside of the world driving home from minum session with a friend, its like my head was spinning 720 degress

Idealism Part II
Nota Kaki : The continuation from the previous Idealism.

Idealism Part erm, One ?

Are we too old for Idealism ? Were we too young for not being Idealistic ? The dude traveled to Terengganu with hopes, though I doubted that someone with a temper with the size of a teaspoon would've made it. Gave him the benefit of my doubt, nonetheless. Off he shoot to Terengganu with some quick little strategies we manage to table, though, I had hoped that I too, can be present with him just so that I'd keep him in check just in case his short fuse is about to blow or whatever. But that, never did materialized, given the commitments I was entrusted with and the ad hoc nature of the journey.

Told him to keep in touch, to report on stations he's arrived at and to talk to me FIRST before coming into whatever crucial decisions that he will be down to . So there he was, calling me for a few times that night. Reporting. When he did not call me back after the last time he'd contacted when he's reached Kuala Terengganu, I was slightly worried (I know what you're thinking, but the dude was not himself, you know).

Later that day, around half past five, my cellphone rang, it was his :

Me : Assalamualaikum Naz..
S : * Answers the Salam *
Me : Apa cerita ? (Whats up hey ?)
S : Aku dengan dia dah takde apa-apa dah.. (Me & her have already broken up)
Me : What the.. ?
S : Aku dah cakap ngan family dia dah.. Mano-to-Mano talks.. (I've spoken to her family, man-to-man talk)
Me : Aaaaaa.. ? Ko sure ke ni.. ? (Are you sure ?)
S : Aku sure.. Dah la, aku tanak pk pasal ni lagi.. (Am sure, enuff of it I dont wish to think about this anymore..)
S : Aku nak start hidup baru.. ( I wanna start a new life.. )
Me : Ko ni.. Ko marah ni.. ( You're saying this out of being mad.. )

He denied being under the influence of his frustration and the decision he's come to was a rational one and required, given the quagmire he was in. I told him that he's got my unwavering support for so long as his decision was made within the boundaries of Rationality. I reminded him of one thing though. I reminded him of going against whatever he's said that particular day and and its his job as a man, to stick to whatever decision he's come to and to stand by it regardless of what shall come in the future, for long to come.

He affirmed that thats the very thing he plans to do, though, again, I doubted him, given the definiteness of his objective before shooting off to Terengganu. Again, I, out of my definite generosity, offered him the benefit of my doubt anyways. But my doubts were never baseless, the dude was never really cured from the cuts. They were too deep to begin with, now at times, he still rants about getting back, at times talking and being stupid. Most of the time, am just ears, some other time, a whip and a knock on his head will do, just to bring him back to Reality. Just like the time has consumed the strength that he's got once, and how a short period of time has managed to kill him, time too, will rebuild the proof of his presence and assert to his fact-blocking head, of what worth he held.

Us humans, we're weak. We forgot our objective in the absence of numbers and strength. Being alone, alone, is enough to cloud our real purpose of cause. Let alone the batterings and a few slaps of Reality check on our faces. We melt before the coldness of Hardships and evaporate into thin air in the Fahrenheit of Obstacles. Thats just how weak we are.

Idealism, Part I & II - Tammat.

P/S : Oh, saya masih puitis..

Politics.. Shall We ?
Nota Kaki : A deliberately delayed response of the previous election from a self proclaimed Political Observer (citation needed)

Enjoy this seemingly identical scene of Malaysian politics.. Those 2 look exactly like the 2 idiots that were interviewed by Al-Jazeera the other day. Answering-wise, at least.

The Malaysian General Election 2008. It was a day full of emotions, emphasized tensions, gaping mouths, tears, laughters, paid dues and the et ceteras. It was also a day full of media spinnings, politically motivated or the otherwise.

Talking about media spinnings however, the post-election spins are even funnier than pre-election ones. The recent Perak MB swearing-in ceremony by Ir. Mohammad Nizar Jamaluddin of PAS that was initially boycotted by DAP too was seen as a stage of spinning the political fan. Oh pardon me, in fact that was the center stage of the spins. How ignorant of me.

Mr. Kit Siang, if in doing so was under the influence of PAS-phobia drugs (lol), would be so politically unwise, and the action, uncalled for. But I think theres more to this than what have been potrayed in these piss-stream-medias or what the losers, the sore losers mind you, would want the rakyats to believe. I think there were some twists in the plot, hold your breath gentlemen and the ladies of course !

What if the so called 'boycott' was actually a decoy to avoid the vengeful axes of the sore MCA ?

I mean if DAP didnt put up a fight to the lease, what would the Perak Chinese say ? They will even start to question " Will these submissive punks be able protect our rights and whatnots ? They didnt even budge an inch when this was announced.. " And be rest assured that the MCA will not take a crossed-arm stance should that actually happens. Kinda like Penang UMNO trying to be the Malay's champion in vocalizing their thoughts against the DAP-led state government in Penang. Yea right, we buy that.

And before I stray even further, I need to reiterate that, should the boycott was a measured, calculated and anticipated response, woahhhh am so the very impressed. Malaysia has just, by far, witnessed, a very outsmarting political decoy, with or without her realization.

P/S : .. And why politicize DAP's move when ex-Perlis Mentri Besar didnt even attend his successor's swearing in session ? Was that a pat on the back for Malaysia's Royal Institution ? Was Shahidan's move that ? lol. Funny la, you people..

P/P/S : LOL even the Terengganu BN DUN members are 'boycotting' the new MB swearing-in ceremony ? HAHA.

Happy Birthday, Mak.

Mak is being attacked by an unidentified monstrous entity.

Mak went 49 just now. Happy Birthday Mak. She's aging. Thanks for all the love & the care that you've given us these good 25 years. I love U, from the bottom of my heart I do. Regardless of my weird ways and the tendency to never be transparent about my feelings and things.

Bullshit(s)
Nota Kaki : Completely & Utterly Fuckin' Bullshit !

Dear Sirs / Madams,

The above matter refers.

We are pleased to inform your good self that we are feeling something quite similar to that of a cow poop. Enclosed herewith are some of the closest representatives of what we are feeling. We seek for your kind cooperation to examine the followings :

The Kepala Surat.

No..No.. We are nice people, RLY !


I insist, that we are nice people still !


No..No.. Its just the circumstances..


* sighs *


Its the circumstances sir, not us..

We believe that the above is appropriate and timely in manner, we neither seek to vilify nor offend any parties but in the process somebody might get hurt and we seek to humbly apologize that we do not care at all about apologizing for breaking your heart(s).

Sorry. :(

Kind regards & Yours sincerely,

Rzn.

Pack & Leave

"I'll settle all the outstandings that I've been entrusted with.." and I continued, with snail-like speed, ".. And I'll look for a transfer..". "Transfer ? transfer where ? ** Dept. ? Yer still gonna face me..", "No, somewhere else, Operations maybe ? Am contemplating to do shift even.."

Despite she thinking that she has managed to convince me to go against my decision of transferring, I've made a silent vow to myself - I'll get these outstandings over with, and I'll go. With a proper leaving manner, of course. I came and was welcomed from the front door " I hope even after I've left this Dept., we're still gonna be friends.. " " I appreciate what you've guided me with, what you've taught me, but colleagues are crucial for your personal performance AND there are some people that you are compatible with, and there are some that are incompatible.. " and I continued.. " And I cant work with her, I've tried.. "

She shouldn't even have budged me, and NO, she didn't, but I've said to a colleague.. " Nobody will make me leave here, nobody. UNLESS I WANT IT TO BE.."

And I think its high time for me to leave..

The Epitome of Idiocy.
Nota Kaki : The Prophecy of Doom to our World !

Rewritten this fucking entry for almost i dont wanna fuckin know how many times. Gi mampus. Fuck am exhausted. And plusses feeling at the bottom of my feeling. Am fuckin angry and I dunno how to express it unlike certain so called fuckin colleague ? Colleague my fuckin' ass. Die out. And die out quick.

The bitch has managed to piss me off and getting away with it for far too long. Any dude that knew me long enough know that I am a fuckin reasonable head. I dont lose my head too easily. But this fuckin Dog poop is a total exception. Who the fuck do you think you are to wave your fingers at me and expect me to run and lick your shoe's bottom ?

Oh what the flying fuck, she manages to make it sound so tragic and sad that I'm being rude to her. Oh my superior bought that ! And I, could've only helplessly smirk and hiss at her being oh so dramatic. lol. Sob Drama Queen. We luv ya, really. Therefore, go fuck yerself. And that smirk and hiss, in front of my boss, wont do me any justice in her oh so dramatic false claims. In which I manage to get a nice remark in return " That, is one the sign of being rude ". lol. Am Genius !

I regret not the things Ive said and done, only that I wish that I didnt lose my head. Coz man I really lose it... :(

Idiots piss me off. :((

Fuck them.

At the end of the day, The Blog, is still the best of my lonely company..

Idealism. Nota Kaki : This is as real as it could be, mcm Cerekarama, tapi bukan.

Our wishes and hopes are childish idealism, faced against the harsh surface of Reality. Us, fragile humans are bound to succumb to horrendous pitfalls. At times, we could never go back, back to something that was us.

A friend of mine was dreading at his seeming fault, running through self inflicted mental torture, blaming himself on things he thought he did. Weeping and having no one to hear your tears. Painful. I know the dude, obnoxious, arrogant, hoo-haa, I-Dont-Give-A-Flying-Fuck type asshole. But he weeped. He weeped for the girl.

Was I taken aback for the fact that he cried & dread so much, and alone for the fact. He wasn't him when i was talking to him yesterday. The dude's messed up and most of the time lost his points and direction. So much so at times, i had to tell him to shut up and let me make my points first. And the arrogant bastard did too, and EVEN THANK ME later for that. Shocking ? Tell me about it.

Belanja him drinks, asked him to sit and even bring the beverage to the table in my shallow attempt of making the session as comfortable as I can for him. (Oh, I don't usually do this for gentlemen, mind you, so all ya fucken' Gheys, bugger off now !)

S : I've got a girlfriend of hrmm, from 2001 to 2008, how long is that ?
Me : Wow. Thats erm, around 6 - 7 years man !
S : Yea, that long. * long pause *
Me : Now relax, and tell me what happen dude..
S : She's engaged dude, to someone else..
Me : What the Fu-, what happen man ?
S : We got involved in an accident. Both of us..
Me : Uh-huh. * nods nods *

The ramblings went on and I pretty much garnered that the blames are on his shoulder, as he asserted his guilt after every few words he spilled. But in the midst of the messed up state he was in, he was as resolute as a man who's willing to gamble everything, including his life, in a single turn of wheels and put everything behind, for the girl. He's already got a one way ticket to Terengganu, though the Definite Major Purpose of him going there, wasn't properly defined, I know in his heart, he needs to see the girl, and the girl FIRST, before anything else. I was moved, though a little skeptical on the lack of planning in the little plan of his.

I told him that he's got my full support and he's not alone in this. I will back whatever decision that he's come and will come to, so long as the decisions are made within the borders of Rationality. Not maneuvered by neither his anger nor frustration.

I told him to go run and get her back.

But as idealistic as we were, deep in my heart I know that Reality isn't as nice as we would've hoped for. The damage has been done and it will take more than the distance of the travelling to undo the fix. Thus, i reminded him that nothing, NOTHING is guaranteed to work 100 % as we would idealistically hope for. That first. Secondly, the damage is already on its semi-permanent stage, if not permanent, hence, the travelling and the assuring processes might take a while, tiring and sometimes seemingly pointless, but maybe, just maybe, if we put enough faith, even a frozen ocean might melt into a flowing sea again. Oh saya sungguh puitis !

To be, or not to be continued. My preference. :D

Laters.

Raizzen

" Why Do Fireflies Depart So Soon ? "
Nota Kaki : Some quotes from Notes From The Underground

They shone. And begone. Far to Oblivion,
Lighted our Life with the scarcity of theirs,
Brighten the face of ours in the darkness they face -

They came around too late,
And they depart too soon,
"And now am dreading,
Taunting myself,
With bitter,"
Useless, Question..

Asking " Why do Fireflies depart so soon ? "

In the smiling memories of -

" I hope U Like The Flowers.. "

Nota Kaki : Quotes and paying homages from and to the late Tupac here & there..

She's beautiful, give me a silent nod if u think its not an overstatement..

Her smiles captivate not the entire hall, they collapse the whole foundation

But nobody ever wonder why does she has damaged petals..

Oblivious of the vengeful winds she faces alone, her personal battles.

Clueless of ocean of tears she braves alone in the odd hours

She's walked blinfolded, on a pitch dark path frighteningly lonely to others.

And learnt the hard way, to appreciate the beauty of the company of tears

Odd how something of fragile nature withstand the batterings thru these years

She's witnessed something no soul should have even heard of

Its time she blooms and rise up, its time she takes off

P/S : I dedicate not the pants, but the bouquet on the trousers :D

Rise & bloom, let yourself off the past.. " I hope U like the flowers.. "

" Funny it seems, but by keeping her dreams, she learned to breathe fresh air.

Long live the rose that grew from concrete when no one else ever cared. "

Untitled Randomism.

Wan's leaving us for boarding school at Seremban. Ironically, the school I was in, I mean practically, coz my old school was relocated to another area somewhere around Seremban II. So now we'll both study at the same exact ground, with 2 different schools ! Woah. Odd coincidence.

Saddens me that the house is gonna be even emptier now that both Yan & Hafiz are doing their studies in Penang.

I feel voided of literary power to express how I'm feeling now, but it feels terribly lonely.

Dire State.

Am in dire state of need of My Old Self. Would I even have a look at what I've done to myself. Oh shit, please, please, please reincarnate The Self Centered, Obnoxious, Ignorant bastard I was.

Who the fuck are ya ? *looks in the mirror* Who the fuck are ya weepy whiny little Bitch ?

I hate you ! OMG !111 I hate Myself..

/me raises 2 middle fingers, commencing project "Obnoxiously Giving Not Any Flying Fucks v1.0"

Back In The Lab.
Nota Kaki : I'm back. (I wish)

Back in the Lab again. Trying to grasp the Reality of these seemingly Unreal occurrences that I have allowed to take place around Me. The breeze that wraps herself around me does not any longer sounds so convincing.

Light taps on my shoulder. " Hey Sir, I think I know what your problem is.. " says a faceless stranger, " What .. ? ", I blurted with certain uncertainty, " I know what your problem is Sir, you are, erm.. " He clears his throat while I'm still there pretty much dumbfounded waiting for his next projection of words, the dude's trying to be polite and all, I understand, but he's getting me all anxious now, and its all his fault. I was, for a few seconds, lost in my own tangle of riddles up in my head when he nonchalantly, not to mention catching me off guard, mentions " Lyfeless ! "

WHAT THE FUCKKK ? Are you serious ? " Yes, I am, but you, Sir, are in a more serious problem, you're in tight shit man, its like you've got your dick stuck in a virgin ass and the bitch is about take a dump man ! " LOL. The dude has got some serious academical flaws in making his point. But oddly enough, i get it. Crystal clear. Maybe its just because of the Assman I pretty much am.

The pieces of the Puzzle are scattered all over the edge of its platform. Detached pieces that have extracted the Me.exe substance from Myself.JPEG. Its time to peep at the BIGger Picture , Bitches. And i mean BIG. Period.

On the lighter, I might come back to this post, you know, elaborate a few details, minus all the intentional complexity in between, if your asses are lucky enough. But then again, i might not. What ? What ? Really ? Go ahead and sue me. Yea, yea, I'll be glad to see you in court.

A quick glance to the mirror, walked by, a few steps backward, I look again, this time wondering to myself : " Hey who the fuck is this Guy ? What the fuck is he doing there ?, Hello Sir, do i know you from somewhere ? Can I help you ? " Not only that he doesn't at all mind to mind me, it pisses me off even more when the Guy's actually Me. So yea, I smashed the mirror to a million shattered pieces and successfully bleed my knuckles in the process. I drag the dude out, so that we could have a little discussion verbally

Reality Check.

My swollen vision aches of teary eyes, never mind the pride at stake.
At least the sore bore the very price, price to keep me awake.
Body tattooed of battle scars, most of them from wars with myself within Me.
Never has it crossed my mind that I'd stand so formidable an Adversary.

I thought I'd beat Odds in the race of Contradiction,
with aids from the abundance of Steroid needles & Injections.
But caught gasping for air, when I finally saw Who's actually my opponent.
Irony beats me when I found out that I'm scared of my own reflection.

I dread at the crawling minutes that form the wheel chaired hours.
Dreading at the moments that should've been Ours.
Time tiptoed slowly than ever, Fuck all ye fake ticks on the clock !
Time too, has proven to me how easy she'd turn a Man to a Dork.
For in the course of hours, She'd easily kill him and glad doing the honor.
Hence, if these tears are measured in the form of seconds, I'd be a Goner.

The brutal massacre of Oneself with the approval of Consciousness, far from Subtle.
"Let me just sleep, for when I sleep, I dream. When I'm awake, everything seems so futile.."