Like A Song

Current Listen: Lenka - Like A Song.mp3 

Sometimes I have this unexplainable, sudden stab of melancholics. My thoughts wondered towards you. Here's to my Proverbial Dominatrix: May we never have to feel like this again. The temporal stint of us being apart was one of the darkest moments of my life.

I can't forget you when you're gone
You're like a song that goes around in my head

And how I regret, it's been so long
Oh, what went wrong ? Could it be something I said ?

Time, make it go faster or just rewind
To back when I'm wrapped in your arms

All afternoon long it's with me the same song
You left a light on inside me, my love

I can remember the way that it felt to be
Holding on to you

I can't forget you when you're gone
You're like a song that goes around in my head

And how I regret, it's been so long
Oh what went wrong ? Could it be something I said ?

Time, make it go faster or just decide
To come back to my happy heart

HA-HAQ

Haq.

This. Am trying my best to sound poetic.

Before You, poets crash & burn with rate so frenatic

Poeticism is thus an attempt for the meek

For nothing nothing comes close to depict

The one and only, my Proverbial Dominatrix

Thousand miles away from what my heart held so close.

And THIS smile is what I want the most.

Paris, The Dream

Here's one good reason why I thought Paris is such a dreamy place..

Nothing good comes out of staying up past the normal hours. I heard Ted told his kids in How I Met Your Mother.

So here's a list of crazy things, well they are not necessarily crazy per se, just the impulsiveness of the thoughts, they make me think of well doing it right away. So here's a list of crazy things I thought I should do right away while forcing my eyelids not to shut. (I am EXHAUSTED yet I refuse to sleep for I am stingy with my times. Esp. late at night)

Say, withdraw whatever amount of money I have right now in my saving anywhere, Tabung Haji, Maybank whatever, and just go to England and hit any match, I mean any match that is currently being held in the Old Trafford. And I would ask / force / threaten Kurik to come and watch United with me regardless of how disgusted he is with United.

Or.

Just draw as much money as I can get and just backpack to Paris. Put on some winter coats and a scarf (the fashionable manly ones!) around my neck. A pair of cheap sunglasses to go then play tourist around the city and find hidden angles around the city that I can view THE Eiffel Tower from and shamelessly snap loads and loads of selfies that is backdropped by the majesty of the tower. The romance.

Or.

That I should quit my job right away and become a very successful miniature Star Wars figurine trader. I know how people love these stuffs. What I dunno and what I carefully chose not to know is how hard it is to make them or where will I get 'em. Fuck it. Not stopping me from dreaming anyways.

And really I really really need to sleep right now.

The Closest We Have Come In Contact With Aliens Yet

 

I have been receiving these annoying calls and texts that started up a little bit like this...

The phone rang. I answered and it was a lady. The first thing she asked was "Who's this ?"

I was pretty amused yet a little pissed, hence I retorted, initially planning to shoot off my mouth due to the audacity on her part but successfully toned down my reply to "You were the one who called me, I should be the one who asked you the question"

That was a week when I made a whole lot of inquiries regarding the online sales for a Plasma television set that I have been dreaming to set on the wall of my bedroom (and my living room when I move out of the house, but more on that later). So I suspected it was one of the seller. But later events unfolded prove it was none of my initial suspicions.

So the little drama ended just like that. And I thought that was the last I was gonna hear about it.

A few days later I received a couple of calls from the same digits. Annoyed I ignored most of them. And when it's become too rampant - too many calls and consecutive blank texts, I asked her "Who's this ?"

And her reply was even shorter or non existent. I have to admit having a stalker cum admirer do has its perks. Boosts my ego like no tomorrow.

But this is getting annoying. She called me again just now, and yet again due to my malas-ness nak angkat, I texted her, after ignoring the call. "WHO IS THIS ?"

What comes next really got on my nerve. She had the gall to tell me "Don't ask too many questions, just turn on your phone, you'll know"

I was like, firstly, the phone has always been on. Secondly who the fuck are you again ? So in my attempt to infuriate her, I asked her - AGAIN - WHO IS THIS ?

I could really use some ideas right now on how further infuriate it.

Yes. IT.

B&W

Sometimes I sit all alone in the evening and wonder how life would be if we only have Black & White.

Tootache

Lazy as hell but just have to post this. So that I'll remember. 

I dunno what's with me. Every year during Ramadhan. There will be a day I fall gravely ill, so to speak. Not fatal, Alhamdulillah. Rather, more about the state I was in. The gravely pain.

The pain was just... Unbearable is exaggerating it. But God.. There were times I feel like crushing my own jaw due to the pain. I was sleepless. 

Totally sleepless the night before. 

I had to run to the clinic at 4 in the morning and riding my bike in the process while the world felt like doing extra turns with every coming minute. Finally arrived and the doctor looked more interested in furthering his shut-eyes rather than his patient. Couldn't blame him really, its 4 friggin a.m! Though that little piece of rationality didn't stop me from feeling like shoving his face in, facially reconstructing it for him.

So yesterday was one of my annual 'gravely sick' day during Ramadhan. Seriously, it's become an affair per annum for I dunno how many consecutive years already.

Edit: Seriously, like seriously, I'm thinking of having a 'Annual Ramadhan Gravely Sick' label if I got sick again next year! (hopefully I would be able to see one, Insha Allah)

P/S: And in lieu of that thought, you just cannot but think about a deceased friend, a recently deceased one. Al-Fatihah. I hope you're doing fine out there, old friend. 

P/S/S: Sedih.

To Intrigue

I walk, in solitude and in solitary I walk. Soldiering personal battles. Battle hardened. But I tremble at the silhouette off the edge of the horizon. Mutiny. The wheels of emotion set in motion to betray which long have I barricaded in between cages of these ribs. Befuddled I was and lo! Shit this wasn't meant to be, for I have entered this war, hell bent to intrigue.

:)

There are certain people in your life you just can't hide anything from. They just know something is up. And you're left to chuckle at your own naivete for thinking you've done a hell of a tremendous job at covering your tracks and erasing your trace. This. You can't help but smile.

Thoughtsa Tweets

If I have loved you, then you wouldn't know.

..or something.

Raven. The Anthem.

I love rooting for the underdogs. That's why ravens fascinate me. 

They're considered evil, bringing bad luck, unwanted, pests and as if those are not good enough reason not be a crow, they are shot at at the behest of the humans. Whenever WE feel necessary. Cruel humans.

Arrogant humans.

Typical humans. Quick to point fingers to external factors but never looking inside to find the answers. Always the victim, never our fault.

But against such incredible odds, ravens survive and even thrive. Ravens are a living proof that you do not need to be celebrated to succeed in this life. Matter of fact is, your success, your glories are much sweeter when the whole world just lovesss to hate - YOU.

Raven. The Anthem.

Cryptic Thoughts

Something, both enigmatic and ambiguous. Bullets would pierce through your brain much easier. Cracking your head wide open decrypting, is more than an understatement, henceforth.

30th April 2008

For all the things I did not say. For all the things I did not mean to say. For all the things I won't be able to say. I hate you. Goddamnit I hate you but I love you buddy.

Here's me missing a friend.

Grieving

"Appreciate every mixtape your friends make,
You never know we come and go like on the interstate"

- Gym Class Heroes

Farewell Old Friend II

We were close at one point. Very close. But a patchy relationship ensues a few years back. But once in a while we still go lepak and enjoy a cup of coffee laughing at our days of being stupid together. And once in a while we still enjoy a smoke or two together. But I felt that he's grown too different to make the hanging out together more frequent. He must've felt that I changed too. But him being the annoyingly lovable idiot he was, the dude just kept pouring in harassing messages and calls. Of which I was ever indifferent about.

Until the very last night before his eternal departure, he was texting me. And I..

Dear God.

My eyes misted, all over again.

Farewell Old Friend

 

This morning a friend of mine passed away on his way to the office. He got involved in a car accident. And I just got back from his funeral. So many words to say but I'm just too overwhelmed with feelings right now.

Hence a teary goodbye and Al-Fatihah should suffice.

HAQ

I woke up this morning practically dragging my feet to work
Tried to conjure a fake smile and left a lot to be desired

I spent many a dreadful days & a thousand sleepless nights
I'm a Ying without a Yang. A left without its right.

Days blurred between each other as clocks tick but time froze
I need you, your smile hence your every being & I need them close.

Many things I am, being perfect was never my greatest virtue
But I've loved you with my every breath, that much I knew's true.

I'm arrogant, selfish, emotional and I start fights even when undue
But in between louds, in silence hence I retreat and there was only YOU.

I spent many a dreadful days & a thousand sleepless nights
I'm a Ying without a Yang. A left without its right.

Days have never been so gloomy, nights never so rough
Haq, I need you beside me. Goddamn I MISSED my Better Half.

Soul Searches

I have a severe problem of communicating how I feel at a needle-point accuracy, so to speak, verbally. I find solace under the shelter and might of the pen. I have always envied ones with a tongue so eloquent they manage to convey WHAT they want and WHEN they need to exactly in the right amount of words and just enough vocavulgarity (ies) without ever having to sidetrack to profanity.

Mak said I was probably slightly neglected during my earliest childhood. My sister was born when I was barely a year they said. But March 3, 1984 to November 11, 1985, I think that makes up about 1 year and 8 months ++. Still was there lack of attention that I have this problem of expressing myself ?

I have always felt somewhat short in the art of what my colleague would call the Taichi. The masterful art of deflecting hits and redirecting it to someone else first before finding out the facts and figures yourself, of which, by that particular time, the attention has winded down so much, it might as well had never happened.

Hence during my early years with my current employer, I always have to write down what and how I feel to make sense of things, I wrote down every last details of the affair. I had to dig and I had to dig deep. And lo,  it makes so much more sense when I write them down. I was able to dissect what and how I feel compared to just feeling enraged ALL THE FUCKEN TIME. 

Yes, rage. Very productive.

I had no idea how to solve things, therefore I break them. Its not that I discard the art of effective communication altogether, its just that by the time I do employ them, the tone will almost always be slightly higher than what's required to be effective. Thus, there's no such thing as anti climax ending to my confrontations. They always have to be either 'hideous' ugly or they never happened to have an ending.

Last but not least. Fruitful discussions and effective communications are all pretty, only you happened to be ugly. So pardon me not when I snap.

Pet Lion

Someday I wish to have a pet lion. Look at that serene expression. So wise and calm.

٠٥٠٥

Bangsaku... What have we become. The arrogance. The sort of arrogance that let us think we have a legitimate right to tell our "DLL" (Dan lain-lain) Malaysian counterparts, "Go home, if you don't like it here..", "Go back to China where you belong..". If history had taught us anything, its that, arrogance is the beginning of the fall of an empire.

What sort of birthright legitimacy we think we possess to chase away these perceived 2nd class citizens from their homes ? Their ancestors might have descended from Manchuria themselves, yet their children, much like us had called Malaysia their home ever since birth. Exactly like you and me. We have grown much too arrogant. Just because we are lucky to be born in the family of first generation Malays doesn't mean all that much when and if we were to see the world through their perspectives.

It could have been you and me.

But its them.

This sort of hair thin advantage had led us to think we have a divine right to strangle their rights, how ?

And I..

I.

505

"Apabila nasib yang Celik ditentukan oleh yang Buta"