Narcisus Snobbe

My name is Narcis, my middle name Snobbish
I'm prickly I'm scheming and I'm also a little selfish

You don't have to be subtle about your dislike for me, I ain't slow
Thats up to you but if I don't like you you sure as hell would know

lol OK I lied if I don't like you you won't see coming until the very end
You'll only know it when you check the count of your Facebook friends

If I have 2 bullets and left in a room with a killer a rapist and you
No brainer! I would shoot you twice before you could count to two

To know me makes you unfortunate but to mess with me was a crime
Sit there & repent while you collapse your lung one breath at a time

p/s: What a name would Narcicus Snobbe would have made! lol

My Ship Couldn't Dock

There's a wall in front of me
But you know me. I'm fucking lazy.

Looking for the will to climb and I haven't found it
So instead I look for ways to go around it.

A wall made of tall so long a line, the end I couldn't fine.
So left I am in contemplation if this is all in my mind ?

Brilliance is the destination I sailed to but my ship couldn't dock
Is this what they meant when they mentioned a writer's block ?

Cipher 10 Menit (Tipu!)

Gambar hiasan

Torrents of miseries

In these oceans of memories

Ashes of what once was

Scattered along one's cause

Warriors of fate

Braving horrors of state

Twice I peeked halting, not once did I peep stopping 

I stood up when everything else keeps dropping

Forgive me for thinking that I & You should spell forever

I forgot you don't always get four putting two & two together

p/s: See ? I still got it! 

Saya Sebuah Buku

I dunno if I should do this at the end of year or now. The fact that I'm writing in spite of the thought means you already know what I'm going with. Thank you subconscious, you are definitely the more decisive one in comparison with your physical counterpart who is clearly a fickle-minded schoolgirl. Damn you Fakhrol.

Anyways, true to my fickle schoolgirl nature. I have officiated 2016 with a love story novel. This Is A Love Story by Jessica Thompson. I was so damn annoyed the entire time I was reading this, well alrite, halfway through the second half. God. Grow some fucking balls already goddamnit! Alrite anymore beans spilling would spoil it for those of you who might have too many time on their hands and might wish to read this. 

Plus, I don't think the ball-less-ness situation is conjured by the author entirely for sake of pulling the readers. There are a certain degrees of truth in it as well. Heck, it took me.. Well, that's another story for another time (or dimension, well hello Matthew McCounaghey!). So I kinda can forgive him.

So that's my first book for 2016. Better log it now before I fucking forgot. Well, my second book... Damn. I finally know now that I'm such a fucking gooey at heart. OK, I lied, I've already known it for a long time. Well, my second book is titled 'The Two of Us', Damn. I concede I am a little embarrassed to a admit that. More on that on my second log of 2016.

Two books. Half a year. Hrm.

Bird Watching

There's a National Geographic moment happening in my backyard right now. Ada sekor burung who'd built a nest on what's left of that small piece of yard behind our house. Selebihnya, according to my father, has all been and I quote - "Belanda rampas tanah". (LOL)

Mak buat wet kitchen dekat belakang tu and she's seriously not happy that bapak keeps on mentioning the Belanda rampas tanah thinggy. lol.

But anyways, back to the burung story.

Damn. What an interesting thing to happen. Small piece of land. A barely grown tree with branches and leaf so scarce, people would thought that we erected the damn thing over there. But life finds a way. There you are a mother bird who would constantly fly off to God knows where and two (or three, I cannot yet ascertain) hatchlings who would only make any sort of sound when mommy comes back with a large opening on her mouth along with KFC. In fact they were so silent, there a few times I wondered if they had abandoned their nest, since there is also a minor construction going on on of our neighbour's house and its fucking noisy. But they're good. They're really good. In one of my stalkings I could see one of the bald hatchlings being more aggressive than the others. 

Oh well.

Maybe I'll take pictures sometimes. But I don't wanna scare the mommy off. Hrm.

Nuang & Some Other Side Notes

I just stumbled upon an entry I wrote in 2012 about a copycat blog, my copycat blog. lol. What a poyo guy. Biar la budak tu nak plagiat your thoughts. You should be proud. Things we do in our younger days. And the foolishness they allow. Makes you smile. (Makes you feel all the same, unfortunately)

Anyways.

As we speak, Hadi and Jahed, my nephew are climbing up Gunung Nuang again today. I wanted with all my heart to topple her again. A peak denied me when I injured myself climbing the top of her in 2013. Notice the sexual innuendo there ? Well, me neither. Back to the topic, I injured myself climbing the mountain because I thought wearing jeans while climbing up a 4,898 ft mountain was a good idea. One that I pains-takingly, literally, learned was not a few hours later.

There is a time window you have to adhere to when climbing up Nuang. You have to be the at the peak and start making the climb down by or around 2 PM to avoid getting trapped climbing down treacherous path in the dark. And I'm not kidding when I say treacherous. I've heard stories that there were these couple of guys who were lost and and ended up at Janda Baik! Which is not too weird considering, if you take a look at the map above, that Nuang is situated between two states namely Selangor and Pahang. But let me offer another perspective, you basically started off your hike in Pahang and end it in Selangor! lol.

We were late, of course, caused by the injury of our members, me and Jahed, the two fatties who went and get their selves injured in an outdoor activity that was supposed to be fun. Goddamnit Fakhrol!

I had intended to put the picture of Nuang's peak I would search from Google but fuck it, no. Am going to conquer her one day and then and only then will I share with you the pictures. The ones that I'm gonna take myself. If not for class commitments I have, I would have been wetting my socks with her cold river streams now. Sighs.

Before Everything

Let me photograph you in this light
In case it is the last time
That we might be exactly like we were
Before we realized

- Adele, When Were Young

This evokes so many emotions. 

To you. I know our separation could have been better handled and I am sorry that it ended the way it did. I wish you nothing but happiness.

I'm Sorry

To the friends, to the budding relationships that never was and to the people I have disappointed over the years. 

This one is for you. 

For those who know me well enough to smell a whiff of my deodorant (or the lack of it) you would know that I revere Friday. Friday evening to be exact. That feeling after you get off work before the weekend is simply - fantastic is understating it. I wanna cram everything in Friday. Time with friends and people you love hanging out with. Movies. Series. Problem is you only have so many hours in a day. That is why whenever I get the honor to set a meet up between friends Friday night will be my primary choice after Saturday's. I love dumping all fun activities on that few hours I have after clocking off on Friday.

But some of my friends, they are not bothered with the fact that tomorrow's a working day hanging on their conscience (OK conscience is apparently not really appropriate, but lets just stick with it for the theatrical effects, shall we ?). They are cool with it. And I've known some who only choose a weekday to lepak and that seriously ticks me off.

I never really knew why. But with the help of articles I found online. I now know that I am a recluse. Again, an overshoot - an introvert, to be exact. I've known to be social. I can be outgoing. I'd like to think that people love hanging out with me. So the all the boxes are checked. So why ? A recent article I found online reveals that between intro and extroverts, there are a few subcategories, and thereon comes the third of this - The Hybrid.

Hybrids are good at hiding their introversion. I mean they hang out with people and they like to do all the fun stuffs that extroverts love to do. But we also love the smell of our room and the warmth of our blankets.

That is why sometimes my friends found themselves in a really awkward situation when hanging out with me. I mean I was another person altogether having a smoke and a cup of Teh Tarik at mamak stalls but I was this anxious prick when they chose to hang out at the wrong time and when they wanna hang out at my place. Especially when they wanna hang out at my place. I get really uneasy when someone enters my domain. Yeah of course some of the stuffs I got here, you wouldn't show to your girlfriend's parents and all. But that's only the small part of it. Like when they stay in my room, try as hard as I could laughing and giggling but 90% of the time all I think of is when is this person gonna leave.

I know I sound like a prick. But believe me, its not you, its me. I don't not like you any less just because I am displaying these prickly behaviors. Its just that I get anxious and I dunno what to do.

Please forgive me.

I remember another instance. Few really nice chaps, taking me under their tutelage. I was really taking a liking to them. We only started hanging out for a few months then. And these are very successful people, not some MLM crackpots who drive Kancils and wanna lecture me about wealth (Sorry this isn't a slight to any of you Kancil drivers. I'm a proud owner of one). I learn a lot just by hanging out with them - they were adding some serious values to my life. But these guys, they lepak almost every Sunday night at TTDI to rub salt to the wounds. I was slowly dreading these meetings and eventually I stopped showing up altogether. I knew some of them were disappointed, pissed off and everything. I know. And they have every right to. But I just don't know how to explain my conditions to the others. 

Because of that I have some very weird, undefined type of friendships over the years. You lepak with these dudes like everyday at one point in your life and all of a sudden you fade into oblivion. These people whenever I see them, either dunno how to act or we act like we are just friends who have mutual friends.

It makes me sad a little bit.

I'm sorry guys. I know. I suck. And you have every right to ignore me. Be pissed about it. Its OK. Expressing what I feel is not one of my virtue. 

So I ran like a little girl.

Dear Mr. Van Gaal

Dear Mr. Van Gaal,

Hi. How are you doing ? I hope Manchester's balmy weather is treating you fine. I know this is just one of the hundreds and hundreds of letters you must have received on daily basis. But I want you to know that despite these onslaughts against you perpetrated by the medias, this fan from Malaysia have nothing but support for you. Its just quite sad that even some of our fans are buying into the medias bullying tactics. I think you're doing a mighty fine job and I hope you will stay your own man against all these odds and against all these naysayers saying how you should play so and so.

I know its tough to be your own man in the world increasingly demanding for conformity and I have nothing but the highest  respect for you for sticking to what you believe in.

Don't worry about some immature sections of the fans who would boo their own team. I'm sure those fans who went to away  matches in cold December night in Wolfsburg last night are right behind you, sir. The real fans. One of these days I would like to have an opportunity to support our team and breath in the legendary atmosphere of United's away matches myself.

United fan from Malaysia,

Fakhrol

Note: 

I want to send this letter to Mr. Van Gaal. And before I forgot the exact words of how I feel I think I should pin it somewhere. Yes, I am a master procrastinator. Hopefully I get to doing it first before my lazy by  nature nature caught me.

Note II: (before I forgot the address)

Mr. Louis Van Gaal
Manchester United Football Club Limited
Aon Training Complex
Birch Road off Isherwood Road
Carrington, Manchester M31 4BH

Himpunan Mana Maruah

This is a very smart post from one of these random posters off FB. What she said made me swim in seven seas of deep thoughts and contemplation.

9 Sultans.

1 Prime Minister

1 Deputy Prime Minister

And many more I just am too lazy to quote. So yeah.

9 Sultans.

1 Prime Minister

1 Deputy Prime Minister

All Malays.

So here's something she didn't say but I am.

If with all those positions of power and the Malays still require over protection and berhimpun sebab rasa maruah Melayu tercalar. Then the Malays are the most pussy of a race. The Malays need to take a long hard look at themselves. We are at where we are because we are what we are. 

Ah. Tapi aku letih. 

Assessment Time!

Everybody say Hi to Nico. She's a fat fat lard just like her owner!

I am not exactly giddy about the result. I skipped two workout sessions yesterday and the day before due to the strain caused by yoga (yes ladies and gentlemen I did yoga for the first time ever, more on that later), so that might have played a hand.

Just for recording's sake, I need to pin this down somewhere. 

Project: Atkins For A Week

Target: To reduce to at LEAST 67 kilogram

Duration: 7 days

Initial Weight: 72.8 kilogram

Result: 69 kilogram

Would you do it again in the future ? : I dunno

Was a success / failure : It pretty much feels like a failure.

Cause of success / failure : Lack of knowledge and proper planning on the dietary 

I might have unknowingly cheated my way through with all the tofus, burgers and hotdogs that I have been having this past one week due to my lack of knowledge of this dieting regime. So that too might have played a hand. I've grown to hate ayam bakar, its pretty funny this used to be one of my favourite thing in the world, chicken, yet you grow tired of it pretty quickly after having to basically force those white meat in your mouth with the support of plain water. Maybe the way I roast it. Coke Zero had been a huge friend in times of dire need. I finished two bottles of 1.5 L Coke Zero in a matter of 2 or 3 days. Hrm. What else.

Oh yes. Last but not least. I fucking hate every minute of it!

p/s: Now that I've finished rasa sayang pulak nak start consuming those treacherous carbs! Haih.

p/s/s: I hereby end the doomed Project Workout tag. A fucking unnecessary project that causes unnecessary stress. (read: failure to finish again. Story of someone else's life! :P)

Manchester United

I fear for my team. We the fans are so used to being successful we don't know how to react in times of losses. After all those years of mocking Liverpool fans about living in the past, United fans are turning exactly like them. The self-entitlements, the expectation that the team will compete at the very top year in year out.

We pride ourselves of our patience in dealing with players and managers, yet we are not willing to give two seasons to a world renowned manager like Van Gaal. I'm guilty of this as well I guess. His styles or 'philosophy' as he put it at most times are cringe worthy. Very hard to watch. But if I am a man who knows what I'm capable of and a genius at that. I would love to be left alone to do my thing. I believe Van Gaal will succeed given the time and patience that he deserves. (but hey who am I kidding right, I'm also the guy who supported Moyes through and through without much thought given apart from pure loyalty and that didn't end so well) 

I just hope that the United hierarchy has as much patience because the fans clearly don't.

Books

I wanna keep track of books I've read in a year. Well. More like flip-flip because the only regular reading time I got (or willing to allocate) is the five to 10 minutes I am in the toilet everyday. But of course when I am in the loo it isn't going to be a 10 minutes ride, usually it'll be fifteen to twenty due to the aforementioned habit.

So since I did not keep any tracks. I will recall and I think it'll be accurate since two to three pages per session isn't going to make me a fast reader but nonetheless I think I have finished four (wow four ?) books proper this year (of course some of them have been read commencing 2014)

1. Twenty Thousand League Under The Sea by Jules Verne

2. Bad Boy by Stephen Gray

3. Ocean At The End of Lane by Neil Gaiman

4. The Inheritance by Tilly Bagshawe

I've started Wilde's The Picture of Dorian Gray but had just now go and purchased John Greene's An Abundance of Katherines due to the expiring MYR 50.00 voucher gifted by Popular a few months back. I might jump straight into it and put Wilde's work on the back burner for a little for the time being. 

So hooray for a new tag!

30 Problems That Only Introverts Will Understand

We're all introverts/extroverts in one way or another. Which one is more prominent is the deciding factor. I fall under introverts category like a spaceship into black hole despite my chatty nature. Stranger things have fucking happened!

1. Practicing conversations with people you’ll never talk to.

2. When you want to cut all ties to civilization but still be on the internet.

3. When your friend wants to invite more people over, and you don’t want to sound like a bad person by saying no.

4. When spending a heavenly weekend alone means that you’re missing out on time with friends.

5. And you fear that by doing so, you are nearing ‘hermit’ status.

6. When your ride at a party doesn’t want to leave early, and no one seems to understand your distress.

7. Trying to be extra outgoing when you flirt so your crush doesn’t think you hate them.

8. That feeling of dread that washes over you when the phone rings and you’re not mentally prepared to chat (or whatsapp :S).

9. When you have an awesome night out, but have to deal with feeling exhausted for days after the fact.

10. People saying “Just be more social.” 

11. When you’re able to enjoy parties and meetings, but after a short amount of time wish you were home in your pajamas.

12. Staying up late every night because it’s the only time that you can actually be alone.

13. People making you feel weird for wanting to do things by yourself.

14. Having more conversations in your head than you do in real life.

15. The need to recharge after social situations. (My God . Bull's eye!)

16. People calling you out for day dreaming too much. 

17. Carrying a book to a public place so no one will bug you, but other people take that as a conversation starter. (latter part not so, nobody nudged me on my shoulder and say hey lets talk, much less hot girls in skinny jeans *sniffs sniffs*)

18. People interrupting your thoughts, and you get irrationally angry.

19. Having to say “I kind of want to spend some time by myself” when you have to deal with that friend that always wants to hang out. (the difference is I dunno how to say those things in Malay without sounding like a total jackass and so I went along and brood every minute of it! lol)

20. When you’re asked to do a group project, and know that you’re going to hate every minute of it.

21. When you hear the question “Wanna hang out?”, and your palms start to sweat with anxiety. (HAHAH me and Yan together!)

22. When you hear, “Are you OK?” or “Why are you so quiet?” for the umpteenth time.

23. Having visitors stay with you is a nightmare, because it means you have to be on at ALL TIMES.

24. When people stop inviting you places because you’re the one that keeps canceling plans.

25. Being horrified of small talk, but enjoying deep discussions.

26. When you need to take breaks and recharge after socializing for too long.

27. The requirement to think introspectively rather than go to someone else with your problems.

28. Not wanting to be alone, just wanting to be left alone. And people not understanding that.

29. When people mistake your thoughtful look for being shy, or worse, moody.

30. That people need to know that you aren’t mad, depressed or anti-social. You just need to not talk to anyone for a while. And that’s okay.

Not mine. But I can totally fucking relate. Here's the where.

Bibabibabibabibabiabi

Tuhan tolong lembutkan buntut dia. Agar dapat. 

Aku taktau kenapa lagu nie yang main dalam kepala otak aku sekarang. Tapi aku rasa panas hati gila babi sekarang nie. Sebab ? Mana ada sebab lain kalau aku meracau hapdet blog malam-malam minggu macam nie. Sebab MU la apa lagi.

Ada orang bagitau aku that you shouldn't stress out about things that you've got no control of. True enough, aku tak boleh buat apa-apa pun when it comes to United's results. But that doesn't help.

Aku still marah gila babi. And yang stress nya benda nie akan terbawak-bawak ke dua tiga hari kemudian. Kadang-kadang aku duduk sendiri aku tanya apa hal yang aku marah sangat dekat benda yang kekadang kecik gila macam bila ada something block parking moto aku ke apa. Lepas tu baru aku teringat yang rupanya kemarahan aku tu berpunca dua tiga hari sebelum. Sakit hati gila bai.

I think I need help.

Kalau macam nie rupa MU perform season nie jenuh aku asik nak mood swing macam nie. Adoi. Aku rasa macam nak jerit kat muka sesapa je sekarang nie.

Babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babiabab iabababaiababababaiababi

Kbai

Oh, that reminds me this is my first United post for the 2015/16 season. And its already pissing me the fuck off!

I have no fucking sympathy for old suits reeking of money
Who would like to speak of injustice while defining tyranny

You stood by and watch idly at the state of this country's infamy
And still you have the gall to ask for shoulders of empathy ?

Fuck you! For everything that you've received - you once gave
Water your cemetery flowers ? No you decrepit fuck, I spit on your grave!

Not sorry nor am I jubilant - merely a spectator with a bowl full of popcorn
Turn the volume up, lower your voice down because the show's full on.

Sakai

Pendapat saya tentang situasi TPM kita ?

Simple.

What you vote you get back. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

A Decade. An Era.

Current Listen: Nora - Di Persimpangan Dilemma (Oh, how befitting)

I'm writing this post in actuality at approximately 9.00 PM, 3rd of August 2014. Because I have such bad memories. To make sure that I should commemorate a decade of blogging, I'll have to schedule it.

From a greenhorn that I was. Can't believe that I can actually witness my growth throughout my never ending ramblings. 

From a kid who stumbled his way upon English through a keen interest in hip hop, I went through a phase of writing endless sheets of nursery rhymes. Where "skills" would surely end up with somebody getting "killed" towards the end of the line.

That. The above made me smile. Because as I wrote that, a wave of memories surge through my mind. I remember my Rhyme Book, inspired of course by none other than the revered Too Phat themselves. Then I remember a phase of my college life. One that I try so hard to put away. A bleep of a phase. One that seems more like a bad dream rather than real life experiences.

Why can't I remember much from the Montevest phase ? Perhaps its convenient. Perhaps its painful.

Then, to a phase where I found out that hip hop doesn't really like me. I had a dream where I would rock the mic on stage and people would love me for my words producing skills and flows. But that dream stuttered along with the fact I was and still am socially awkward.

Hence begin the poet phase where I would write countless pieces just so that I can incorporate wordplays in my lines. Despite my social awkwardness, I love women. I wish I could say that the feelings are mutual. But all that I can say is that only a good-hearted (lucky ? :P) handful should reciprocate. Thus, there were the pieces where I would dedicate a piece of my heart to them. 

I dunno what the future holds. What with the fact that I have, give or take, 360 more days to find out. Heck, I don't even know if I'm still gonna be around when the time finally comes to uncloak this particular entry. But I hope that when and if I do, I would be in a more comfortable place than I am right now. I miss her so much. 

Anonymous battles with faceless soldiers are raging inside my head for I cannot anchor my fleet of emotion in these torrents of uncertainties. I dunno what I am feeling.

But stories of my life.

Fakhrol, 9.00 PM, 3rd of August 2014

p/s: Hi, 31 year old Me!

Forever Within Numbered Days

I have so many movies I cannot tell you how many. I have so many of them I probably have some that I downloaded before I was born and haven't watched yet. I'm not exactly sure if I love movies or simply just the idea of it. Maybe downloading movies is my hobby after all.

None the matter.

So this morning after sahur, after last night's out - I innocently popped a movie to my plasma. It always help me sleep. Concentration. Be it books or this time around, movies.

Title of choosing could be anything really. After all I'm only trying to catch some sleep. After brushing aside all the cobwebs in drive H, I innocently double clicked The Fault In Our Stars a movie I downloaded about a year ago I think. 

Whoever the fuck penned this movie needs to be shot.

NEVER have I bawled so much waters from my droopy eyes. I cried so much you might think I had stepped on a Lego. 

Damnit Fakhrol you're such a girl!

But You Didn't

Borrowed off somewhere of course. Too beautifully tragic not to share.