..of Folders & Stuffs.

 

You have a folder in my heart.

The one I can't unclick when we're bytes apart.

Haq :)

Painful

There's so many things I wanna say right now. But truth is United just isn't playing how United should be. What hurts even more is to see your fans succumb to that defeatist attitude too. Yes it hurts, yes we're not used to these conditions. Back to back defeat at Old Trafford is just something quite unheard of in Sir Alex Ferguson's era. But isn't it our job as fans to lift our team when things are down ? Fuck you fair weather fans. You cheer wholeheartedly while things are going United way and you leave as soon things go down.

But I won't. I was there when things were good, am still here when things are down. And I will be there when things are looking up again. Trust me on that.

David Moyes is still the man for the job.

These. Are testing times.

Never Is A Long Time

I'll be realistic. 

I don't think United will win this coming Sunday's game against flavour of the week, Arsenal. Everybody talks about how silky smooth this team is. Well, it is true that they posses one the most entertaining midfield line up in the Premier League. Worthy of envy especially to someone like me who cringed at the lack of fluidity in the middle of the park for United.

BUT.

Wouldn't it be nice to smother their faces with their own words if United being United, unpredict-fucken-able and being the only team you write off at your own ignorant peril. If there's one thing these loudmouths should have learned watching United over the years, it is always too premature to count the eggs before they actually hatch.

"You NEVER win anything with kids"

Alan Hansen epitomized just how unpleasant the taste of your own words could be.

So sit back. 

United's got nothing to lose. Everybody's practically written us off. Even our own fans. So what do we have to lose ? Well yeah, bragging rights. But that simply means we should be able to play without chips on our shoulders. I just hope that Moyes will not resort to his usual 'safe' defensive style that I think has clearly been proven too risky.

Attack.

Offense is ALWAYS the best mode of defense. Especially with teams with mediocre midfield like United.

Sorrows

In this pain I writhe
With this wrath I breath

I did not found solitude
It found me. Vulnerable & nude.

Pissed at visibly everything
And angry at apparently nothing.

Storm passes, worse is what follows
Flood ceases, subplot to what's tomorrow

Go away.

Let me drown in my sorrows.

Lead Me Astray

Numbers are overrated. For I found more company in solitude.

Leave me alone.

At the bottom of these feelings.

Entrapped within the abyss of this unfathomable altitude.

Hence engulfed within Wrath of this magnitude.

A Day In My Life

Started the day working out. Workouts release dopamine that brings about happiness, supposedly. So I was whistling my way to the office. The weather couldn't be nicer. Rays of sunlight pierced through my polarized Zara shades. And my Alpine Bluetooth car stereo was blaring one of my favorite songs.

Niceness.

But just as I was stepping on the gas of my newly equipped turbo-charged Kancil to max pedal, simply because I like how it goes, the car right in front of me, in fact, lines of cars in front of me, came to a sudden halt. Many a times have I been told the current braking system that I'm employing just doesn't cut it to cater the new found power under the hood.

So the cars came to a sudden halt, and there I was braking and braking since my approximation estimates that I wouldn't make it in time to stop the car totally - hence I had to maneuver the car to the left, practically wobbling about all the while my front tyres were screaming and screeching so loudly that I bet people around must have thought there was already an accident or something. But thanks be to Allah that nothing happened. I was left to wonder alone and crooking a smile - from a seemingly anonymous feelings. Something in between embarrassment and being proud. Weird. But that's exactly how the crooked smile felt.

So I reached the office with nothing eventful after that. And yes, true to what they say, workouts do make you happy. Especially morning ones. So I was feeling hyper, practically greeting, hand-shaking, winking everybody that I met along the way. Settling long-pending outstandings and ticking off checklists. 

That was until the very moment I forwarded an email to Finance Department. An email I took almost 2 hours to craft. Dilly dallying between direct and subtle finger-pointing to Finance. Don't wanna piss these people off, but at the same time I'm tired of taking unnecessary fall for things I do not know about. The fault was Finance's. But the challenge was to craft that email so artfully that Finance will think that it was a compliment.

I spent almost 2 hours perfecting the correspondence, all in the good name of the unit and all in the name of resolving bullshits. To manage things so subtle, I tried my hardest not to piss anyone off in the process. And all I got in return from my immediate superior was the loudest yell of my name and a good, straight to the heart scolding. 

THANK YOU. But FUCK YOU.

With mouth so uninsured, you'd think that I have a heart made of steel. But no. Hell no. I take scoldings especially from my superiors like a sore loser. I hate being scolded. Because I'm special. And go fuck yourself if you can't live with that. I have NEVER been scolded EVER in my professional years and I will NEVER be ready for one.

I'm not the problem. YOU picking fights with practically everybody and feeling lousy about it later is symptom enough for this hypothesis. Hence stop trying to find a solution for the trouble that YOU are. Its like trying to locate an ant's anus from 93,000,000 miles away from the face of the earth. That's the sun's distance for you intellectually challenged chaps out there.

Sheep, lambs, goats but WHO's counting ?

This Is Making Me Sad..

My nephew posting a picture with spitting image of his late father. I wonder what he must feel. Does he miss his dad ? Does he wish at times he could talk to him ? About girls, about the many dreams he must have.. I wonder. Makes me teary, this.

I cannot cannot imagine the kind of pain one at such a tender age has to go through. Wanting to talk to that somebody. So badly. But you just can't.

Farhan mesti nak cerita dekat Ayah that he wishes to follow his footsteps. Suka main bola. Sangat-sangat. Farhan mesti rasa nak Ayah could hug him and just tell him that everything will be just fine.

All the things he wishes to say. All the father-son things they never get to do..

In Spite of Everything.

..regardless of things I say.

Like A Song

Current Listen: Lenka - Like A Song.mp3 

Sometimes I have this unexplainable, sudden stab of melancholics. My thoughts wondered towards you. Here's to my Proverbial Dominatrix: May we never have to feel like this again. The temporal stint of us being apart was one of the darkest moments of my life.

I can't forget you when you're gone
You're like a song that goes around in my head

And how I regret, it's been so long
Oh, what went wrong ? Could it be something I said ?

Time, make it go faster or just rewind
To back when I'm wrapped in your arms

All afternoon long it's with me the same song
You left a light on inside me, my love

I can remember the way that it felt to be
Holding on to you

I can't forget you when you're gone
You're like a song that goes around in my head

And how I regret, it's been so long
Oh what went wrong ? Could it be something I said ?

Time, make it go faster or just decide
To come back to my happy heart

HA-HAQ

Haq.

This. Am trying my best to sound poetic.

Before You, poets crash & burn with rate so frenatic

Poeticism is thus an attempt for the meek

For nothing nothing comes close to depict

The one and only, my Proverbial Dominatrix

Thousand miles away from what my heart held so close.

And THIS smile is what I want the most.

Paris, The Dream

Here's one good reason why I thought Paris is such a dreamy place..

Nothing good comes out of staying up past the normal hours. I heard Ted told his kids in How I Met Your Mother.

So here's a list of crazy things, well they are not necessarily crazy per se, just the impulsiveness of the thoughts, they make me think of well doing it right away. So here's a list of crazy things I thought I should do right away while forcing my eyelids not to shut. (I am EXHAUSTED yet I refuse to sleep for I am stingy with my times. Esp. late at night)

Say, withdraw whatever amount of money I have right now in my saving anywhere, Tabung Haji, Maybank whatever, and just go to England and hit any match, I mean any match that is currently being held in the Old Trafford. And I would ask / force / threaten Kurik to come and watch United with me regardless of how disgusted he is with United.

Or.

Just draw as much money as I can get and just backpack to Paris. Put on some winter coats and a scarf (the fashionable manly ones!) around my neck. A pair of cheap sunglasses to go then play tourist around the city and find hidden angles around the city that I can view THE Eiffel Tower from and shamelessly snap loads and loads of selfies that is backdropped by the majesty of the tower. The romance.

Or.

That I should quit my job right away and become a very successful miniature Star Wars figurine trader. I know how people love these stuffs. What I dunno and what I carefully chose not to know is how hard it is to make them or where will I get 'em. Fuck it. Not stopping me from dreaming anyways.

And really I really really need to sleep right now.

The Closest We Have Come In Contact With Aliens Yet

 

I have been receiving these annoying calls and texts that started up a little bit like this...

The phone rang. I answered and it was a lady. The first thing she asked was "Who's this ?"

I was pretty amused yet a little pissed, hence I retorted, initially planning to shoot off my mouth due to the audacity on her part but successfully toned down my reply to "You were the one who called me, I should be the one who asked you the question"

That was a week when I made a whole lot of inquiries regarding the online sales for a Plasma television set that I have been dreaming to set on the wall of my bedroom (and my living room when I move out of the house, but more on that later). So I suspected it was one of the seller. But later events unfolded prove it was none of my initial suspicions.

So the little drama ended just like that. And I thought that was the last I was gonna hear about it.

A few days later I received a couple of calls from the same digits. Annoyed I ignored most of them. And when it's become too rampant - too many calls and consecutive blank texts, I asked her "Who's this ?"

And her reply was even shorter or non existent. I have to admit having a stalker cum admirer do has its perks. Boosts my ego like no tomorrow.

But this is getting annoying. She called me again just now, and yet again due to my malas-ness nak angkat, I texted her, after ignoring the call. "WHO IS THIS ?"

What comes next really got on my nerve. She had the gall to tell me "Don't ask too many questions, just turn on your phone, you'll know"

I was like, firstly, the phone has always been on. Secondly who the fuck are you again ? So in my attempt to infuriate her, I asked her - AGAIN - WHO IS THIS ?

I could really use some ideas right now on how further infuriate it.

Yes. IT.

B&W

Sometimes I sit all alone in the evening and wonder how life would be if we only have Black & White.

Tootache

Lazy as hell but just have to post this. So that I'll remember. 

I dunno what's with me. Every year during Ramadhan. There will be a day I fall gravely ill, so to speak. Not fatal, Alhamdulillah. Rather, more about the state I was in. The gravely pain.

The pain was just... Unbearable is exaggerating it. But God.. There were times I feel like crushing my own jaw due to the pain. I was sleepless. 

Totally sleepless the night before. 

I had to run to the clinic at 4 in the morning and riding my bike in the process while the world felt like doing extra turns with every coming minute. Finally arrived and the doctor looked more interested in furthering his shut-eyes rather than his patient. Couldn't blame him really, its 4 friggin a.m! Though that little piece of rationality didn't stop me from feeling like shoving his face in, facially reconstructing it for him.

So yesterday was one of my annual 'gravely sick' day during Ramadhan. Seriously, it's become an affair per annum for I dunno how many consecutive years already.

Edit: Seriously, like seriously, I'm thinking of having a 'Annual Ramadhan Gravely Sick' label if I got sick again next year! (hopefully I would be able to see one, Insha Allah)

P/S: And in lieu of that thought, you just cannot but think about a deceased friend, a recently deceased one. Al-Fatihah. I hope you're doing fine out there, old friend. 

P/S/S: Sedih.

To Intrigue

I walk, in solitude and in solitary I walk. Soldiering personal battles. Battle hardened. But I tremble at the silhouette off the edge of the horizon. Mutiny. The wheels of emotion set in motion to betray which long have I barricaded in between cages of these ribs. Befuddled I was and lo! Shit this wasn't meant to be, for I have entered this war, hell bent to intrigue.

:)

There are certain people in your life you just can't hide anything from. They just know something is up. And you're left to chuckle at your own naivete for thinking you've done a hell of a tremendous job at covering your tracks and erasing your trace. This. You can't help but smile.

Thoughtsa Tweets

If I have loved you, then you wouldn't know.

..or something.

Raven. The Anthem.

I love rooting for the underdogs. That's why ravens fascinate me. 

They're considered evil, bringing bad luck, unwanted, pests and as if those are not good enough reason not be a crow, they are shot at at the behest of the humans. Whenever WE feel necessary. Cruel humans.

Arrogant humans.

Typical humans. Quick to point fingers to external factors but never looking inside to find the answers. Always the victim, never our fault.

But against such incredible odds, ravens survive and even thrive. Ravens are a living proof that you do not need to be celebrated to succeed in this life. Matter of fact is, your success, your glories are much sweeter when the whole world just lovesss to hate - YOU.

Raven. The Anthem.

Cryptic Thoughts

Something, both enigmatic and ambiguous. Bullets would pierce through your brain much easier. Cracking your head wide open decrypting, is more than an understatement, henceforth.

30th April 2008

For all the things I did not say. For all the things I did not mean to say. For all the things I won't be able to say. I hate you. Goddamnit I hate you but I love you buddy.

Here's me missing a friend.

Grieving

"Appreciate every mixtape your friends make,
You never know we come and go like on the interstate"

- Gym Class Heroes

Farewell Old Friend II

We were close at one point. Very close. But a patchy relationship ensues a few years back. But once in a while we still go lepak and enjoy a cup of coffee laughing at our days of being stupid together. And once in a while we still enjoy a smoke or two together. But I felt that he's grown too different to make the hanging out together more frequent. He must've felt that I changed too. But him being the annoyingly lovable idiot he was, the dude just kept pouring in harassing messages and calls. Of which I was ever indifferent about.

Until the very last night before his eternal departure, he was texting me. And I..

Dear God.

My eyes misted, all over again.

Farewell Old Friend

 

This morning a friend of mine passed away on his way to the office. He got involved in a car accident. And I just got back from his funeral. So many words to say but I'm just too overwhelmed with feelings right now.

Hence a teary goodbye and Al-Fatihah should suffice.

HAQ

I woke up this morning practically dragging my feet to work
Tried to conjure a fake smile and left a lot to be desired

I spent many a dreadful days & a thousand sleepless nights
I'm a Ying without a Yang. A left without its right.

Days blurred between each other as clocks tick but time froze
I need you, your smile hence your every being & I need them close.

Many things I am, being perfect was never my greatest virtue
But I've loved you with my every breath, that much I knew's true.

I'm arrogant, selfish, emotional and I start fights even when undue
But in between louds, in silence hence I retreat and there was only YOU.

I spent many a dreadful days & a thousand sleepless nights
I'm a Ying without a Yang. A left without its right.

Days have never been so gloomy, nights never so rough
Haq, I need you beside me. Goddamn I MISSED my Better Half.

Soul Searches

I have a severe problem of communicating how I feel at a needle-point accuracy, so to speak, verbally. I find solace under the shelter and might of the pen. I have always envied ones with a tongue so eloquent they manage to convey WHAT they want and WHEN they need to exactly in the right amount of words and just enough vocavulgarity (ies) without ever having to sidetrack to profanity.

Mak said I was probably slightly neglected during my earliest childhood. My sister was born when I was barely a year they said. But March 3, 1984 to November 11, 1985, I think that makes up about 1 year and 8 months ++. Still was there lack of attention that I have this problem of expressing myself ?

I have always felt somewhat short in the art of what my colleague would call the Taichi. The masterful art of deflecting hits and redirecting it to someone else first before finding out the facts and figures yourself, of which, by that particular time, the attention has winded down so much, it might as well had never happened.

Hence during my early years with my current employer, I always have to write down what and how I feel to make sense of things, I wrote down every last details of the affair. I had to dig and I had to dig deep. And lo,  it makes so much more sense when I write them down. I was able to dissect what and how I feel compared to just feeling enraged ALL THE FUCKEN TIME. 

Yes, rage. Very productive.

I had no idea how to solve things, therefore I break them. Its not that I discard the art of effective communication altogether, its just that by the time I do employ them, the tone will almost always be slightly higher than what's required to be effective. Thus, there's no such thing as anti climax ending to my confrontations. They always have to be either 'hideous' ugly or they never happened to have an ending.

Last but not least. Fruitful discussions and effective communications are all pretty, only you happened to be ugly. So pardon me not when I snap.

Pet Lion

Someday I wish to have a pet lion. Look at that serene expression. So wise and calm.

٠٥٠٥

Bangsaku... What have we become. The arrogance. The sort of arrogance that let us think we have a legitimate right to tell our "DLL" (Dan lain-lain) Malaysian counterparts, "Go home, if you don't like it here..", "Go back to China where you belong..". If history had taught us anything, its that, arrogance is the beginning of the fall of an empire.

What sort of birthright legitimacy we think we possess to chase away these perceived 2nd class citizens from their homes ? Their ancestors might have descended from Manchuria themselves, yet their children, much like us had called Malaysia their home ever since birth. Exactly like you and me. We have grown much too arrogant. Just because we are lucky to be born in the family of first generation Malays doesn't mean all that much when and if we were to see the world through their perspectives.

It could have been you and me.

But its them.

This sort of hair thin advantage had led us to think we have a divine right to strangle their rights, how ?

And I..

I.

505

"Apabila nasib yang Celik ditentukan oleh yang Buta"

The Grim Weeper

Following the post about the fugly fucker that imitated Jones' reaction during United's derby defeat. Here's my reply. Late, yes. But I savour my adversaries' defeat for a long long long time. I just found that out. Surprise surprise. I'm vengeful after all. So my apologies if I may have intentionally mislead you to think otherwise.

What ? Fucking what ?

We'll Remember

Don't worry. We'll remember this.

..ends at Never.

Loving you is a journey that starts with Forever and ends at Never.

Source: piccsy.com viaKatie on Pinterest

United - We Never Die

It was gonna happen. Sooner rather than later. United's run of games has been near flawless. Having watched United for years, I've come to be accustomed with sloppy runs and scrappy wins. A series of what unearthly fuckers haters would call, luck, but we'll get to that later. 

So as I was saying, having watched United for years, I've been so used to United last minute wins consisting of an endless 1-0 scoreline. Lucky calls. Fergie Association. Bla bla blah. Yada yada yada. This time, however, United have managed to pull wins, almost out of the hat even when playing like fucken shit 99% of the time. 

Perhaps I'd jinxed it. I was almost afraid because everything was going too well! And there it goes, my spidey sense had been true all along. The repeat of the 2010's exit from the Cup...

The ref just had to have the final say. The game was going so well and going in the direction of United. I almost couldn't believe my eyes as United wreaked havoc to a Real team fresh from inflicting 2 defeats in a row to the immaculate Barca, so to speak.

Just like it was in 2010, you can't help but feel robbed. Your team played so well against clear favourites, the ref just had to come and ruin it. I was bitter for a couple of days. But boy, am I proud. 

It will always be a question of "What if.." but there shall be no answer in that. The boys played their hearts out. Giggsy at 40 is just inhuman. How in the hell did he relive the heydays of his 20's and reverse the greys in his hair is anybody's guess. But they made me proud.

One of the most glaring flaw of United, one which is also the reason I hold United so dear to my heart is its ultra-attacking minded approach. Indoctrinated within the United genes, it dictates that they attack and attack even when down to 10 men with ruthlessness and vigor of a team who had burnt the bridges and would never go back. 

And for that I am proud, the bitterness gone. I now know that THE better team lost that night. 

That, if you aint too shallow minded to begin with, will answer why it was never really luck which has brought this fortune. It is simply the sheer hatred for losing and the never say die attitude.

United. We never die.

Padan Muka Kau

You know its hard to be graceful in the moment of glory. More so when the shit fuck faced opponents you beat is the disgrace of a shit club. A club of whom their fans talk like rights to glories is a divine right. Theirs. 

When in reality - or - if they're ever willing to get their heads out of the poop they get their heads so deep in. Theirs is a story inscribed in the pages of history textbooks. Ones students yawn upon just by a mere mention.

Yet, these pathetic scums will never shy away from reminding you that they're somehow the superior team. Always. Of course, this is a fact they will not admit out right. But what the fuck are you insinuating raising the 'five' sign whenever cornered ? 

And not to mention cornered due to the fact that you fail to keep your mouths shut in the moment of others' gloom. Spew craps all you want if you're top of the table. But when you're half way down there, don't bother talk shit because people will start to peep behind your doors wondering if your life is oh so perfect.

To me, and barring a few, Liverstool fans are.. Well doesn't matter.

I don't feel sorry for you. I won't. Whatever fucken shit you receive you deserve. So I wanna take this time out and wish the Liverstool fans, aside for a few exception to the rules - people around me - families, relatives and close friends who support Liverstool - Padan muka. 

With all those Howard Webb favouring United talks. He failed to produce Johnson with the second yellow for obstruction of a clear goal opportunity.

Ah malas aku nak pikir. Padan muka and fuck you. You deserve every inch of the humiliation because you fail to contain your mouths when it matters.

Hoyeah I'm happy. Beating you fair or not will always bring me a pleasure I will savour for days to come. And I simply want to rub this win on your face and I don't even want to bother sugarcoating it for your ears.

So hear it from me raw - Padan muka kau kalah. Tu la lengkali memekak lagi macam the chimpanzee that you are. Wargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh karg.

My First English Encounter

A guy in his mid 40's made a proposition to a female colleague, "I'll give you 200 bucks if you'd have sex with me. I'll be done as soon as I handed you the money."

The woman, repulsed by such outward profanity stomped off in disgust without any thoughts.

Back home, she told her boyfriend about the whole incident. And the boyfriend, bemused, decided to teach the pervert a lesson and play along. "Don't worry, how long do you think it'll take for him to hand over the 200 bucks ? You'll be done be even before your pants is off!"

The woman hesitated for a while and finally agreed, what better way to teach this pervert a lesson and make some quick bucks while at it. "There's no downside!" She thought.

So the next day, the boyfriend drops the woman in front of the office, winking, he told her to take the son of a bitch's money and make a run for it.

An hour later, the woman, looking dejected, finally comes out of the building. Her boyfriend asks "What happened ? What took you so long ?"

The woman retorted "THE BASTARD paid me in coins!"

Moral: Make sure you understand a business proposition before agreeing to it. 

Its not mine by the way. I remember I read it somewhere years ago. Dunno where. I remember it so well, well, of course, there's the sex them which isn't so hard to recall. Second its one of the first encounter with English. Meaning it was one of the first English joke I could laugh at. Which, OMG I'm shocked I have to even explain this - It means its one of the first joke out of half a million ones I read and understand. Ngerti ? Heheh.

Laters fucken' skaters.