Laziness: A Disease

Malasnya nak workout. I wanna relax and enjoy the cuti je. Boleh tak ? Lepas tu makan all the junk foods in the world. Lepas tu tido covered in the blacks of Oreo.

So I head down to my good friend's Pinterest, to find some pinspiration.

But the only think I manage to find is this:

What a friend you are Pinterest.

"I Might As Well PLEDGE A Police Report"

Day after day I have less and less respect for beautiful girls. The prettier they are the dumber they usually come. Sorry no offense. (None taken ?) Well am sure the readers of my blog are the exception to the rule.

Sometimes

Sometimes I got so pissed at some idiot but then I forgave her boobs.

Fuck You

To those who would harm children. No matter your ideologies. No matter your creeds. I pray that you die a thousand horrible deaths. Fuck you. FUCK YOU.

Edit:

I cannot begin to fathom the need to harm children. What the fuck can they fucking do ? I mean seriously.

Hi. Hello. Thank You. Goodbye.

For the man that I am.

10 years ago I was that stupid kid. Grumpy of being told to come to the interview for Malaysia Airports. Thinking that I know what I want in life. Why would I need to come work for this company ? I've got the dream job of being an errand boy in my cousin's run of the mill company.

Little that I know that I would fall in love.

And that I would fall in love bad.

And that's just the charm that Malaysia Airports brings. You grumble, complain, poke fun but when the organization should come under fire you know that you'll be the first to run to its defense.

But I digress. A thousand words couldn't describe how I feel about this company. So I'll just sum everything up in two - THANK YOU.

For everything. Every thing.

MAHB

I'm leaving a place where everybody loves me. Or at least they know me. And respect me. Am leaving a place where I learn how to spell my name and be proud of it.

And in doing so, I'm leaving behind friends, memories, stories and most importantly. I'm leaving somewhere where I belong.

It is hard. No matter casual I might seem. I'm gonna swim in new waters.

At the dawn of my days in MAHB, I wanna go and visit all the places, people and units that I have over the years grew fond of. Kak Ida, Tuti, Kak As. Yanti, Nazrul. Ah, the people. The faces. The laughters. Am just so bad at goodbyes.

Fuck. 

In those memories also lie the tombstones of losses incurred along the journey. Abang Ali, Shahnaz...

Haih MAHB.

Happy Birthday

Happy birthday Sayang. I love you from the bottom of my heart regardless of whatever ridiculous notions you got that I don't.

Me & My Impatience

Sometimes I wish I can just talk to that 15 year old boy and tell him SLOW THE FUCK DOWN. Why the fuck are you rushing to grow up. But of course. Sighs.

Me and my impatience.

Dapat henfon dari Jepun. Tapi sim card tak boleh masuk. So I Googled the fuck out of Internet to find a QUICK solution. I Googled stuffs back in stone age. Where they have this device yang ada wayar-wayar yang if I'm honest to God, nampak langsung tak convincing. But I didn't care. Because I wanna use the phone that I just got. And I wanna use it NOW. Aku cari dan cari dan cari. If I can find a way to cut the sim card I would do it. Tapi aku taktau susur galur, wiring sim card tu, kang kalau guna gunting, I wouldn't know what I cut and what I preserve. 

End up rupanya phone zaman sekarang semua pakai jenis simcard baru, dorang panggil Micro ke mini simcard. Pfftt. So malam tu jugak, around 9 PM macam tu, aku terus start kereta pegi IOI Mall. Pegi counter Celcom. And da! Dah boleh pakai. Beli that micro simcard for 5 bucks. Lepas dah baya and tersengih macam haram, baru aku find out yang MEMANG ACTUALLY BOLEH POTONG SIMCARD tu. They have a mechanical device for that.

WTF !@#$%^&*(

But for me and my impatience.

Dulu-dulu time nak kurus, I worked out through severe injuries and fevers and ended up melepek kat atas katil seminggu langsung tak boleh buat apa. Because why ? I am an impatien m**********.

And cerita nak kurus nie, over the past few years badan naik macam apa balik semula. Ever since that fateful accident. So in my own definition and in my own limitation, I have been working kinda hard to shed all these lemak. So despite baru keluar klinik gigi UiTM lepas extract a few gigi geraham. Yes a few. Aku rasa sakit gila **** nak mampus. The blood kept on running even after a few hours of biting hard at the gauze.

But you know what, sehari lepas tu aku berlari-lari kat atas elliptical machine dalam bilik aku. Because why kids ? That's right. Because I'm an impatient mofo.

By this time I should have known that it is OK to take your time, it is OK to go two steps back. What matters is that you ARRIVE.

Now because of my stupid impatience, I will have to cuti again before I can go into any serious workout. I should have learnt long ago that nothing good comes out of my impatience. If anything, it'll make things worse. And for sure, it blows right on my face again.

And being me, I know. It's just a matter of time before I go and langgar tembok dulu and ask questions later. I'm just that one mofo yang bila aku nak something. Aku nak sekarang. Sukar bagi aku untuk terima the fact that aku kena tunggu. For better of for worse. Aku nak sekarang.

And for that, I have. Almost always paid a hefty hefty price.

Piss The Fuck Off, Pretty Please ?

I'm starving. There are people downstairs. And I don't have the energy to wear a fake smile and pretending to be grateful that they had come. All I wanna do is stuff my face, watch some TVs and cramp my unhappiness inside this computer screen. After all I've earned it. After weeks of prepping for 4 papers this semester, heck yeah I earned it.

I feel like I really have to lash on someone to make all these bottled anger / hunger goes the fuck away.

Running

Last night's entry was a bleep. Hopefully nobody have read that. Hopefully.

So I tried to run this morning. Was targeting 20 minutes and fuck the kilometers involved. But at the 14-15th minutes the stinging pain, the very pain that made me stop running a year or two back came back again. Damn it is painful. Why is the pain not so noticeable when I was running around 7 to 8 kilometers in Putrajaya, and why does it always struck whenever I run in Puchong ?

Was it possibly caused by the track ? Yeah, Puchong's track I'm not really sure you could actually call it a track to be honest. I grumble whenever I see vehicles moving about the park, yeah again if it could be a park when its actually just the remnants of what's left of the park. The park is actually a carpark for vehicles whom the owners consisted of fishing junkies and lovebirds, not to mention its official statues as parking spots for surrounding neighborhood's residents.

But I digress, was the pain caused by the tracks, or was it because that I have company in Putrajaya, thus making the pain less obvious ? (you just have to hand it to human's psychological makeup. Takmau kena tinggal and feeling like a loser, your legs kept running even though they hurt like hell)

I gained 10 kilograms ever since the accident in 2011. Prior to that I could look like *** and it still wouldn't bother me that much because I know once I hit that treadmill, I'll revert to my old looks again. But this time around, OH MY GOD, I've tried almost everything (aside from jaga makan ofkos) - and when I say everything - I mean the variations of workouts. But they still don't really work. I'm aware of the fact that I'm 30 has possibly contributed, but I didn't know it was gonna be this hard.

I'm a runner and not being able to run makes me sad. And knowing that your legs look healthy but in reality, the insides are not. It kills me.

So the purpose of this entry is to remind me of what I am gonna say to the doctor. I am sick and tired of doctors finding out there's nothing wrong with my legs by looking at the X-Ray. Its time they do some thorough checking. Lucky me I have a sugar daddy named Prudential to pay all my treatments for me!

Kbai.

Nanti Baru Aku Title Kan

It must have been hard to love me kan, Mak ?

Harapan. 

Harapan yang firstborn ko akan pave the way for his brothers and sister. It never really took off. Hantar pegi SDAR (Sekolah Dato' Abdul Razak) - balik separuh jalan.

Harap that your firstborn boleh jadi Doktor. So that adik-adik yang lain could follow suit. For all the potentials, the talent yang aku ada, aku end up struggling at the shallow end of the cycle.

Pegi kolej sebab aku hell-bent kata aku nak jadi animator. This is my life. This is my principle. Konon. Ah. A wisdom of a 19 year old boy. Who thought he knew everything. Who thought he knew what he wanted.

Aku end up balik separuh jalan lagi bila things started to fall apart with my then best friend.

Kata Mak still teringat lagi kat telinga aku. "Tunggu la, kot-kot Yong boleh tolong masuk UiTM". And the stupid 19 year old cakap. No, this is my life. My principle. Haih. Can I slap that stupid kid tak ?

But then again, it wasn't all bad I guess. Throughout the journey of finding oneself, I discovered loads of things. Many an individual who I don't think I would have crossed path with, had my journey been a smooth sail instead of rocky stop-start.

It might sound like regret, which is partly true of course, but a regret with a pinch of thankfulness ? I dunno seriously.

Tapi tu la.

Aku bukan anak yang baik. Cakap Mak, kalau kata jarang nak denga, is an understatement. Kadang-kadang aku rasa SEBAB Mak aku cakap yang aku rasa aku somehow kena betah. Aku rasa kita semua ada sikit prejudice dekat parents kita (bless you if you don't!). The same stuff, kalau keluar dari mulut orang lain, kata Yong ke (big cousin who I'm closest with, who weirdly, happen to be Mak's childhood friend growing up). So the same stuff, kalau keluar dari mulut Yong akan nampak reasonable dan well constructed tapi bila dia datang dari Mak, dia akan nampak macam attack against your individuality.

Tapi memang pun. Make no mistake about it. Mak-mak memang macam tu. Its their innate motherly feelings, I guess, their first primal instinct is to protect their youngs from harm. Cuma more often than not dorang tak perasan that their overprotectiveness tu actually does more harm than good. Rasa nak sambung. Tapi match MU dah nak start.

Kbai.

Korea Part 1 ?

You enter those mode where you got all reminiscent. Ah, Korea. Lovely country. Lovely people :)

Selamat Hari Jadi!

Happy birthday buddy! Collage could have been better, I admit. Tapi aku sangat malas. Heheh. And I have to say that those pictures are, in retrospective, up there among the bestest experience we've had together. So cheers to you. Selamat Seratus Har- eh, Selamat Hari Jadi! :)

 Have a good one.

Its OK To Feel Broken

Nota Kaki: This was actually a piece done by Juliet Chase some orang puteh writer, that I translated, improvise and all that enchiladas, to give a more Malaysian feeling about it. (My new project yayyy!!!) Because I think it speaks to me on so many degrees and that I can so relate to it. So only right for me to share. Also, its my attempt to move away a little bit from my usual English pieces.

Its OK to feel broken.

Kita manusia. Kita rancang untuk benda yang terbaik. Kita tak berapa ready untuk yang terburuk. 

At some point in our lives, kadang-kadang ada benda yang terjadi yang tak terjangkal dek akal sejengkal kita. Tapi dia jadi. Dalam kita dok jaga. Dalam kita dok tatang. Dia jadi.

Sedih. Memang.

But things happen.

Takpe pun kalau kita rasa nak menangis. Rasa macam nak berkabung (ha!) dalam 2-3 hari. 2-3 minggu. Rasa macam nak kurung diri dalam bilik. Tekup muka atas bantal. Berlari dalam tangisan. Pick your poison. Do it. And its alright. Perfectly alright. Its all right NOT to be alright. 

Sekarang ulang dengan aku.

I am alright. And its alright NOT to be alright.

Takde masalah pun. Sebab eventually. Ko dengan aku tau, eventually this will all make sense. Dia akan OK. Everything will be OK. Bila tiba waktu dan masanya.

Apa yang tak OK bila ko terus menerus moody. 

Jauhkan diri dari orang. Jauhkan diri dari orang-orang yang genuinely ambil berat pasal ko.

Aku tau benda-benda ni berjagung (corny) gila. Terlalu klise. Tapi betapa ruginya la ko dok buang masa layan perasaan macam nie. Perasaan-perasaan yang eventually, cuma akan drag ko ke bawah. Ko manusia. Ko talented. Hebat. Awesome. Ko sebenarnya lagi power dari apa yang ko rasa, dari apa yang ko tau. Masalahnya, ramai dari kita yang taktau.

So bangun.

Kalau ko jatuh, bangun. Kalau ko tergelincir. Sapu lutut ko. Bersihkan muka ko. Sapu air mata kat muka ko. And bangun. Belum masa lagi untuk give up. You are one fine clay, awaiting only to be molded into that wonderful wonderful person you always wanted to be. So get working on the Person that you always picture yourself to be. 

YOU should be your own biggest project!

And be sure to be proud of the results, so that setiap pagi bila ko tengok cermin, ko bangga dengan apa yang ko nampak dalam cermin.

Alas, like every molded clays, its OK to be broken once in a while. Its OK to withdraw yourself from the hectic of the world once in a while. 

Cuma bila ko finally keluar dari 'kegelapan' tu, make sure ko jalan keluar dengan dada terdepang. Jauh lebih kuat. Jauh lebih matang dengan setiap kejatuhan. And most importantly, ko senyum!

Kesedihan ko buatkan ko lebih kuat dari orang lain. Jauh lebih kuat. 'Kegelapan' yang ko hadap sorang-sorang dalam malam-malam yang susah gila nak tido tu, tak bunuh ko, instead dia empower ko. Maybe tu advantage untuk orang yang penah lalui 'kegelapan' macam nie. 

Orang-orang yang 'Jatuh-Bangun-Semula' ni, dorang baik hati, kalau tolong orang tu, genuinely nak tolong. Dorang tak rasa perlu jatuhkan sesape untuk rasa diri dorang kat atas. Maybe sebab dorang personally tau macam mana rasanya bila kita rasa lemah. Bila kita rasa hopeless.

Apa sekali pun, aku nak cakap kat sini, cuma ko sorang je yang boleh buat macam tu. Family, kawan-kawan cuma boleh bagi support. Tapi kalau sendiri tak berdiri, takde sape boleh buat ko berlari.

Takpe pun kalau ko rasa nak menangis. Masuk bilik air. Flush the toilet and cry your eyeballs out. Cuma besok, bila ko bangun. Bediri tegak. Senyum. Pick your broken pieces and put them together again.

Appreciate orang yang amik berat pasal ko, discard orang yang jatuhkan ko. Love the people who was with you through thick and thin. Dan yang paling penting, sayang diri ko, for all your flaws, your imperfections. Love yourself. Because you are in every sense of the word, your own best friend.

And mungkin. Mungkin satu hari nanti, ko akan bangun - better, wiser and plenty stronger. And mungkin time tu ko akan sedar yang sebenarnya takde apa pun yang kurang dengan diri ko. 

Ko sebenarnya OK.

Thank YOU For Loving Me For All That I Am & Most Importantly For All That I Am NOT

I know I'm a hard person to love.

Grumpy, perenguih (perengus), buruk tabiat, buruk lantak. I'm far from what you may call sebijik epal dimataku ? (Apple of my eye lol).

I have my bad days and I have my slightly bad days. 80% tu bad days, another 20 are bad days that I somehow manage to salvage and luckily turn into a slightly cheerful ones.

To say that I have my faults is an understatement.

I bark at the slightest perceived (yes, perceived) confrontations. I got emotional during what you may call light discussions. With a face only a mother can love, I know I must have put her through a lot. The perseverance, the faith and the believe that I am somehow, more than the sum of my own faulty parts, sometimes just brought me close to tears.

But that's just me.

One minute I feel like crying over the fact that my mother has sacrificed A LOT for me during my years of ketidakgunaan. Dia still percaya yang aku boleh jadi berjenih (berjenis). Jadi orang. Jadi somebody. Someone yang berguna untuk agama, masyarakat dan bangsa. Or at the very least, tak jadi sampah yang menyusahkan orang.

So, one minute I feel like crying, thinking about what Mak has done for me. Seminit lepas tu aku boleh jerit dekat muka dia because I feel trippy over what she had said about how messy my room always seems to be. Its a seriously complex feelings that I have for her, I love her like no other person on earth and at the same time, she can and has a tendency to get on my last nerves. I mean I love her but.. lol.

Aku tau aku anak / abang / kawan / partner yang teruk.

But I guess what I'm trying to say is THANK YOU. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for loving me for all that I am. And most of all..

Thank YOU for loving me, when I least deserve it.

- Fakhrol. 

p/s: Bajet ramai orang sayang la tu. Cis!

Positivity Is As I Discover, Just A Padlock Away From Being Non-Existent

Hari ni start dengan positivity yang sangat tinggi. Positivity was practically oozing from me. Meleleh-leleh, kata orang Melayu.

Aku workout pagi nie. Tick.

Skipped breakfast and jump straight into lunch. Tick.

Lepas tu azan bunyi. Aku pun pegi la amik kopiah nak pegi masjid. And the padlock was still on! Aku memang dah lama berapi pasal padlock nie. Dah la kunci dia yang mana satu aku tak dapat nak determine. Kuncinya pulak kalau sikit satu hal. Ini termasuk dengan kunci kejayaan, ada dekat 358 anak kunci. Hangin gila.

So dalam kemarahan yang amat sangat aku masuk rumah balik and aku berak. Sambil baca buku.

And maybe I should start writing in my mother tongue. Should gain me some milage with the masses. Heheh. 

(Ko bajet ko best kan with that "Oh maybe I should start writing in my mother tongue" nyeh nyeh nyeh ?)

Bajet Inggeris. Cis.

Come Back

Having been in the aviation industry myself. Lord knows how much it saddens me to receive the piece of news that we have lost yet another flight. Another muted tragedy of lost souls. Voices yearning to be heard but probably never will. 

It hits home. 

It feels personal.

More than just another tragedy, another mishap, you feel like you've just lost one of your own. 

MAS are brothers and sisters.

And the manner in which it happened, two air crafts in a matter of months. I think you don't have to put two and two together, you'd still feel that something is amiss. But the sad truth is that we will probably never know.

If this was a ploy to a bigger picture unbeknownst to us, even more vexing. Probably just a collateral damage for the greater good of mankind. Yeah, right.

With agony and tears, from a fellow aviation servant, from a brother to brothers and sisters, from a Malaysian to another Malaysian, from a fellow human being to another human being, my deepest condolences.

Trials and tribulations define characters and it is my deepest lying hope that MAS should rise from these ashes, like a phoenix rising. Come back MAS, prove these naysayers just how fucken wrong they are.

Come back. 

But

I love to doodle.

I doodle all the time. Well lately not so much. But every now and then. A human head or two and I will usually drop the effort by the time I reach the finger part.

Raise a glass if you're an aspiring artist or have had experiences going through this. 

I know right ?

But I digress.

So like napkin pieces worth of my doodles, I appreciate my thoughts the same. I value them. No matter how random.

So I was just ironing my shirt and a thought came to me.

"You cannot call yourself great until you can, not more than 350 words, describe how great Fakhrol is"

Somewhat narcissistic. But I bet you can't can you ?

I double dare you.

.......

I wish they would stop already with the Palestinians kids' pictures in Facebook. My heart wrenches for them. I don't wanna show the world how brutal Israel is, or to show the world who the real terrorist is. I mean don't  Muslims get that already ? Show who of Isreal's terrorism ? The US ? Do you think they give a flying fuck ? Fuck NO. And if Muslims at large are dumb enough to believe that, then maybe we deserve what's coming.

Yes it is sad. I'm typing as if there's a huge lump in my throat trying to fight the tears. But for God's sake, please stop posting these pictures of kids, babies in ashes. Oh dear God...

Ya Allah ya Tuhanku, kau hancurkanlah Israel Laknatullah. Kau sampaikanlah roket-roket Hamas ke muka pintu penzalim Yahudi Ya Allah. Lindungilah Mujahideen Mujahideen dijalan-jalan Mu Ya Allah. Kau gegarkanlah bumi dibawah kaki-kaki jahanam Yahudi Laknatullah. Sesungguhnya mereka telah menzalimi hamba-hambaMu Ya Allah.

Amin.

Mat Salleh Parody Filem Pendekar Bujang Lapuk

The Tak Boleh Tido Post

I should have a label that says 'Tak Boleh Tido Post' because as far as I could recall, I lost count of how many of these posts I've had over the years of ranting.

Apparently, I have overestimated my ability to beat the might of a cup (a Koley, in actual sense of things. You're not sure what this is, don't you bimbo ? hihih) - so apparently, I have GROSSLY overestimated my ability to beat down Nescafe every time we lock horns in battle. 9 times out of 10 I would beat Neskape, hands down.

But not this time.

Is this the sign of age ?

It sure feels like 'old' the way I cannot sleep over a meer koley of Neskape. I mean I used to take 2 shots (big ones) and I would later fall asleep on my keyboard.

What the hell happened ?

To think that I used to laugh at Mak for being scared shitless of having Neskape around night time.

And it chose to happen at the worst of time still. Besok nak sahur, lepas tu nak pegi keje. Homaigawd! I remember drinking Neskape like plain water when I was trying to study for my finals and fell asleep as fast the addictive fluids down my throat.

Not then. But NOW.

I am going to be dreadful what with all the numbery details that I have been dirtying myself with lately, tomorrow.

Hadoi.

Oh Liverpool...

What a joy to behold. 

First there was that period when you finally echo that Steven Gerrard's "This is our year" talismanic (boooooring) chant after two decades of cowering to believe. And then there was the very same man literally and figuratively slipping. Slipping the title away from your frail grasp at hopes.

And I thought, from the perspective of moi, as a United fan, whom a season to forget is quite an understatment - my season was quite made. It wasn't so bad after all. And at long last, I was, after a long long time, happy again.

BUT.

Liverstool, I mean Liverpool. Being the source of amusement they are, refuse to go out without a bite, I mean bang. Charlie Suarez, I mean Luis Suarez, the racist bigot who Liverpools fans so shamelessly tried to defend, bit again. Yes, again. A-G-A-I-N. Bringing his biting toll to 3 players. What sort of grown man make his disdain toward a situation known by biting ? I mean euw. Seriously ?

But that's just the player, the person Liverpool chose stand by. And I seriously think its not bad luck, its karma. For Liverpool to go out on a limb trying to force reason when there was none. When they tried to erect defensive lines when its blatantly indefensible.

Oh, but don't get me wrong, despite all these sort-of philanthropically sounding remarks, I regret not the slightest that this had to happen during the World Cup and the whole world had to witness an event so cringe-worthy. I'm no philanthropist. I don't shed tears at what happen to Liverpool fans. In fact, I'm happy that they have to swallow this WHOLE.

Hihih

What Title Credential ?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *breath* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH *breath* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH *breath*

Title credential ? Waklu.

Karma ?

I'm not sure if a Muslim is supposed to belief in Karma.. BUT.

Maybe not Karma in a sense of Hinduism but what goes around comes around, I think that much, Islam does taught us.

So last week's satisfied grin in mockery of Liverstool and their Captain Oppps I Slip It Again. Wehihihihih, that felt good. But seriously, last week's mocking of Liverstool and their Captain Oppps I Slip It Again! - Oh my God, Fakhrol, focus GODAMMNIT. FOCUS!

OK, so last week's mockery of Liverstool (shit, I heard that Britney song coming, approaching fast, must .....contain........ oneself!) has finally Karma'd me. United lost (again ?!) at HOME. 

Shit.

So from the darkest pit of the blackness that is my heart, I wish to apologize to all ye Liverstool fans out there for not being sorry that your captain slipped, and the title possibly SLIPPING right from under your noses and most not sorry of all, that I slip-mocked him thereafter.

After gloating all season long, its nice to see that perhaps Karma has SLIPPED a dose of your own medicine and the title potentially SLIPPING away right from under your noses.

What a nice SLIPPERY feeling it was. And still is, mind you :)

And what's nicer, is that you so thought that you've won it. You so thought that you've won it, didn't you ?

Wehihihihihihih.

Opps I slip it again!

Note: Its a far cry from being in contention for the title yourself, in fact this is pathetic. Cheering on Ciddeh. One of the most despicable team on earth themselves. Pathetic, yes. Regrets ? Fuck NO!

To see the fugly tears from you self glorifying idiots, I'd sell my soul to the devil. You get the irony ?

Nah, too slippery! :D

"Win or lose, the blood was Red"

I will not try to cover up the fact that I am happy as fuck. Liverpool losing and Gerrard slipping in the process. I couldn't be more content.

"Win or lose, the blood was Red" one fan kononnya menunjukkan kesemangatan assabiyah yang begitu jitu. Dey macha, I've got a little news for you. Your blood IS and will ALWAYS be red. Adoi la macha.

Oh how these guys made my life.

Kalah dah satu hal, dok melalak, crying foul like they're a fuckin victim satu hal lagi. Hiihihihih.

An Open Letter From A MAS Pilot's Daughter

This note is long overdue and is something that I should have written a long time ago - to let my dad know of how proud I am of him.

I am proud of what he does, in spite of him not being around for almost half of my life.

I am so sorry for being ashamed to tell my friends that you are indeed a pilot. A good one at that.

Apparently, I was told that I was less than pleasant and I was being a difficult (but adorable?) kid.

Nevertheless, I grew up loving airports and flying.

My father, just like the missing Captain, has worked for Malaysia Airlines ever since he left school.

Many times we urged him to work with different airlines but he refused because he wanted to be close to his family and be around us as often as possible.

We could have enjoyed the perks that were offered - free education at international schools, all living expenses paid, a chauffeur to drive us around if he had accepted job offers from other airlines.

Being a pilot's daughter, you are bound to have just your mother flying solo, attending your first day at school, your academic prize giving ceremonies, your sports days, your birthdays and even those Raya celebration.

The worst incident that occurred while Ayah was not around was when our house was robbed by 3 masked robbers.

On top of that, my mother was then 7 months pregnant. My dad was not around and my mother had to handle everything by herself.

She refused to call my dad and worry him as he was to fly back to Kuala Lumpur the following day.

My mother understood the burden that he carries on his shoulders and the importance of having a full, undivided focus while he is flying as he is responsible for hundreds of lives, and not just his own family back home.

I stood up, and answered, "I remember that he wasn't around for half of the time".

He is far from a bad father. He is just working hard to support our family.

We have come to accept that, especially when people asked us, "Ayah mana? (where's your dad)"

I would answer them "Entah, somewhere around the world. Not sure. Have to check his roster."

All his life, his presence has been determined by a single sheet of paper which he would share with us at the beginning of each month. He would sometimes be annoyed when I ask him about his whereabouts because I should have checked his roster first before asking him that.

Before he leaves for work, each one of us would send him off without fail and watch his airport transfer pick him up and drive off.

Sometimes in the wee hours of the morning, other times in the middle of the night. We would "salam" him in advance before we go to bed.

And whenever he returns from work, everyone in the house would come to the front door, and greet him.

And I never realised how significant these rituals are until the MH370 incident occurred.

Each time he leaves for work, he will be responsible for hundreds of lives, he will be responsible in connecting families together, he will be responsible in helping businessmen seal the deal, he will be responsible in realising wanderlust dreams of travellers.

I remember once, a very old passenger in a wheelchair, waited for Ayah to meet him personally after a London-KL flight, he gave Ayah a thumbs up said, "Are you the Captain? Very smooth landing just now. Thank you!"

But deep inside, our family knew, everytime he leaves for work, there is always a possibility of getting that fateful phone call, the possibility of him never returning home.

He is as 'OCD' (meticulous as some would say) as you would want in any pilot flying your flight, ensuring everything is in place.

Even when it comes to punctuality, he isn't a minute late nor a minute early if he says he's reaching a particular time. ... 'I'm reaching there in seven minutes. Standby'.

Cabin crew sacrificed a lot just so they could help the world connect from point A to point B.

Let us give the families affected by flight MH370 our support, prayers and some privacy.

Before you pass judgement, point fingers, or even spread theories and speculations, remember that you will not only hurt the missing cabin crew's families, but you will hurt our feelings as an extended MAS family.

- Nur Nadia Abd Rahim

Place Beyond The Pines

Balik from revision session and saw my old man lying down on the floor.

Sleeping.

Desolated.

Tears mobbed his cheek during the final sending off of his best friend. My heart cringe at the thought. A lost that never probably will be replaced.

I am both glad and embarrassed having touched shoulders with the man. Glad for having the chance to personally know him up close. Embarrassed, for I am unworthy.

He was a man that during his life, a stern voice against wrongdoings. A man that would never hesitate for a second to call you out if you should transgress the barriers, which naturally, granted him a fair share of dislikers.

A man born perhaps in the wrong era. An era where brutal honesty is mistaken with being uncivilized. He never bothered to fiddle with that crap.

Us humans tend to have short memories. Overglorification of the dead is a common occurrence when talking about somebody deceased. But trust me when I say that Mr. Harun Nayan does not need any of that.

Folks who had attended his burial will be the testament to this. They talk in glowing terms when recalling certain personal encounters with the great man.

I have cousins who barely knew him attending his final parting, wondering what the heck his day job was because for all they know, his jobs, his activities, his LIFE have always been in one way or another, associated with the work of the Masjid. The welfare of the people (he was one of the committee members of the Masjid's Welfare bureau) and Amal Ma'ruf Nahi Mungkar.

What a life to have lived. What a beauty in death to have.

I could go on and on.

But I should probably stop.

He doesn't need me or anyone for that matter to shine his deeds for they speak a great deal for themselves.

The sum of a human life I think, lies within the amount of souls we touched during our journey towards eternity. 

So if anyone should ask how did he die, I will tell him how he lived instead.

Al-Fatihah.

The Very Best of Us

In succession of a few days, we have received the news of losses of two of our most beloved relative and a family friend.

He takes away the very best of us. Reminding us that nothing in this world is really ours. No one in this world is really anybody's anybody.

But He really DOES take away the very best from us. 

Mere words failed, I have exhausted the best of adjectives for these deceased.

Long shall memories serve the best of moments far as I can reminisce. Al Fatihah Pak Caq (deceased 27th March 2014) and Pakcik Harun (deceased 30th March 2014). 

Warm are these tears against this misty morning. 2014. What a year this has been so far.

Thanks

So many things I wished I could say to you.

I know I have disappointed you. I know that I have let my ego get the better of our relationship. But I hope despite these hostilities and boundaries, that I have left something positive. And I hope that I have made at least something a little better than before you have met me.

I know you made me a better person than I was before.

So many things I wish I could say to you but if I have to wrap them all up in a phrase..

Thank you.

Hurt

There's so many things I wish I could explain to you but I just don't know how. So many words I wanna say to you but I don't know which shall suffice.

But I have never intended for you to be pained. For you are my MOST cherished. My past. My Present. My One & Only.

I know I have caused you pain. But know this, NEVER have I intended for you to get hurt.

For I love you.

And I love you so much it fuckin' hurts.

Umrah Terakhir Kami

"Umrah terakhir bersama isteri tersayang sehari sebelum meninggal. Suasana ceria pagi tu tiada tanda2 yang saya akan di tinggalkan. Kami telah bertekat untuk membuat umrah tahun ni sebelum ke haji. Rupa2nya dia meninggal semasa umrah.

Saya yakin ini merupakan hadiah yang teristimewa untuk arwah kerana Allah telah memanggil untuk di kebumikan di tanah haram. Takdapat di bayangkan betapa terharunya perasaan ini dalam sekelip mata isteri tersayang sudah tiada. Mashallah tak dapat menahan airmata semasa sama2 dengan puluhan ribu jemaah masjidil haram menyembahyangkan arwah, saya memang terkenal dgn sikap tabah dan kental tapi rupa2nya tertewas dengan peristiwa tersebut, moga2 Allah memberi jannah kepada arwah.

Terasa terlalu sunyi perasaan ni, semangat terlalu rendah tertapi syukur anak2 ada di sisi utuk menampung kesedihan. Betapa kuasa Allah mengetasi segala2nya, diri yang sihat tiba2 dimatikan. Tiada terduga bagi hambanya bagi segala kesudahan, akhir kalam kita di mana dan bagaimana. Allah maha besar yang mempunyai kuasa menghidup dan mematikan.

Untuk arwah ini adalah khidmat terakhir saya walaupun dengan hati yang berat, berusha menguruskan pekebumian isteri tersayang, ya Allah hanya kau saja yang yahu betapa berat hati ini menanggung ujian ini, process mendapat pelepasan dari kedutaan malaysia merupakan ujian pertama kerana tiada surat sokongan yang lengkap tapi kuasa Allah mengatasi segalanya, beratus kali doa di baca meminta pertolongan Allah dan syukur semua pemasalahan di ringgankan, paling teruji ialah mendapat slot menyembahyang di masjidil haram, syukur segala rintangan yang getir dapat di atasi dengan pertolongan Allah.

Ya Allah hamba Mu bersyukur dapat bersama2 sembahyang jenazah bersama puluhan ribu kemaah.

Khidmat terakir diri ku untuk arwah dari menyusung jasat tersayang ke masjidil haram hinggalah mengangkat jenazah ke lahat, tak dapat menahan airmata dari berlinang namun aku kuatkan semanggat, terasa susah sanggat kali ini untuk mengekalkan semanggat yang hampir2 tiada, sungguh hairan betapa aku yang berjiwa keras ni jadi longlai dan terkapai2 meniti minit2 yang terlalu singkat.

Ya Allah kau tempatkan lah roh isteriku bersama para salihin dan ya Allah tenangkan hati ku dan anak2 berserta org2 yg sayangi beliau. Ya Allah cucurilah rahmat keayas arwah dan kami semua. Ya Allah kau kembalikan lah semanggat waja ku supaya aku dapat mengharungi sisa2 hidup ini. Amin"

Stumbled upon this heart shredding piece by the late Kak Nurul's husband. Its hard to contain these pearly beads from falling.

Fuck This SH

NEVER. In my 30 years of life have I felt quite like this. When I started watching United, Cantona was still plying his trade. That smug on his face. The spiked collar. The air of nonchalance and somewhat arrogant celebration of his. Those images, imprinted so strongly in my mind that the choice was easy. United is the team for me. In a time when there was no Astro, only highlights of games. Cantona's brilliance meant United is my one and only. That was during the 90's. The good old 90's when United really start to stamp their dominance in English football and long to continue.

I was born in an era of United's dominance, or more that I start following them during their successful first charges towards dominance. United that I know is practically an ark, so strong, so sturdy, so resilient so not willing to die without inflicting substantial damages first towards the opponents. 

Days like these are like an alien. These feelings are so alien to me right now.

---

There goes my Isnin. MU seri. Felt more like kalah. In all truthfulness, lebih baik la MU kalah. So that some people may finally open their eyes. So lost am I at words, sampai bila kepala aku terhantuk kat besen kat bilik air pun, aku rasa nak bertumbuk dengan besen tersebut.

United. Oh United. Never in my 30 years of 

---

I refused to edit what ever the fuck that I have typed for. Ah fuck this writing shit. Am done so fucking done. 

Melayu

The state this country is in. A 12 year old got hit on her head by a golf ball and all we could debate is the fact that she is not a citizen, thus the right for our hospital to refuse treatment for her. 

What ? Why ? How ? 

Saddened doesn't even to begin to describe how the fuckin fuck I feel right now. What happened to us, really what the fuckin fuck happened to us goddamnit ?

A 12 YEAR OLD! Dear God. Save us all from hellfire. 

The state that my race is in right now. We label our fellow human being 'Pak Itam' for being a little darker skinned than us. Macam la kita ni putih sangat. And we treat them like second class human being. As if we are somehow superior in some ways. As if our life is worth more than him in some monetary terms.

The state that my race is in right now. 

An incident witnessed first hand by an Indian friend of mine, a Pakistani guy approached a group of Malay dudes, selling fake leather goods. All of them took a belt each, paid him twenty ringgit, half the original price and they chased the Pakistani guy away. They said to him that the item is fake anyways and he isn't even legal. My good Samaritan friend approached the Pakistani guy and bought a fourty Ringgit wallet for 50 bucks. He refused to take it but my friend insisted and hope that it can erase any sort of grudge they got, if any, towards those guys. The Pakistani guy was overwhelmed. He sat down, said a prayer and cried.

Where does this unfounded superiority complex come from, one can only guess. Tell me when was the last time any Malays have done something that all of us Malaysians, Muslims and Nons alike, can be proud of to grant us such arrogance ?

That I Have Arrived

Its this sort of thing, finding something at the least expected time, at a lesser expected place. My heart was practically tugged seeing that which contains what which contains.

A step is just a step but this is to be the step in which all bridges burned, all second guesses turned. 

An obituary for second thoughts, set stationary are the epitaphs, the tombstone its final resting place.

I have looked forward to this day, yet I cannot say that I have arrived.

Sombre

Today as I was sitting at my workstation, taking off my jacket. The speaker blared an announcement,. Its our HR department.

"Dukacita dimaklumkan bahawa Puan Nurul Asyikin Shuib telah pun kembali ke rahmatullah semalam.."

My chest painful. 

My stomach feel like somebody just tangled all its contents into one big knot. 

It felt unreal.

The smiling Kak Nurul, those droopy eyes with the depth unfathomable as if they know what turbulence is running havoc in your mind right. I won't see that again. I was so distracted, until the voice of the girl manning the counter "Ye Encik, nak apa ?" shake me off my distraction. I had neither the cash nor any idea what did I want for breakfast, hence I left.

Jackasses

I woke up this morning to find my pillows wetted. I think I was crying a little bit last night. This is so painful. How could this have happened ? After all these times ? My eyes pudgy, blood shot, staying through the course of the night, reminiscing the good times. 

My friends, they care and are worried for me. They asked me how was I holding up and they let it be known that they are there if I should ever feel like talking things through with some going a stretch further than the others. And they didn't exactly make it subtle either. Constantly lingering, ever compassionately reminding me that BEING A UNITED FAN SUCKS NOW.

A club switching form ? Goddamn them.

Mera Nam Joker

Words cannot cannot describe how frustrated I am now. 

OK. Laters.

Serbis

What a jerkin' service. So minimal. Tukar minyak and asked "OK apa lagi ?".

Mental note. Not to go again. After all I went there only because of the free oil filter. Serves me right for my cheapskate ass.

OK. The entry's actually more of a reminder because the fucker who serviced my car was bent in getting me out of the shop as immediately as he can. Either he forgot to stick the 'next service' sticker or the level of service is so bad they don't even have the sticker to begin with. Either way I myself lupa, so again padan muka aku.

Kancilku sayang serviced at the 113th mile, more or less. 

Field of Dreams

Its hard to take, this. United's probably gonna lose at Stamford Bridge 5 minutes from now, the match is approaching. But win or lose, to the bitter ends.

Those Who Live By The Pen

Those who live by the pen die under the pain of cliches
Such's the price us Poets traded our souls to pay

In an attempt so futile to please, we instead irate
Longed to be understood yet we mislead so deliberate

In the lights so gay openly we brood
Haven't I said that we live to be misunderstood ?

Bewildering

"Don't hurt women for they are frail, weak creature. Please stay off my girlfriend. I love her so much"

WHAT ?

That came out unexpected.

Oh, hi, its nice to see you too. Grumbled I, albeit to myself. Regained my composure. My breath controlled and calculated while my mind hectic, trying to connect the dots that were so suddenly thrown in my path. 

Oh, that.

Still.

WHAT THE FUCK ?

Me ? Harassing somebody else's girlfriend ? Well, that's good to fucken' know. Oh, fuck you anyways. Then please tell your girlfriend to not breath so close down my neck, literally. And while you're at it a leash wouldn't sound inhumane too.

So stay off me snowflake, for I am THE Evil itself, reincarnated.

Tet tenenenenet!

I Refuse To Sink

Another home defeat for United. This time to Swansea. This is getting painful to watch. And tomorrow's Monday and its werk after a week off. How. Why. How the fuck do I start. I don't even know.

Edit:: 3.02 a.m on the clock. Still trying to make sense of this loss.

Some sections of United fans have been slating Moyes from the start of the season. What do I care, those plastics! For me, if you're gonna claim to be a die-hard, shamelessly grinning when the days were bright, you gotta learn to weather the storm too. If you're gonna start getting your panties up in a bunch when things don't go your way. Then you're unfit to call yourself a die-hard. Save that for fair weathers.

Problem is, I think even some of the loyal ones are starting to ask if Moyes is the right man for the job.

Your guess is as good as mine.

But my hunch, rather than certainty tells me he is. United fans have over the years grown spoiled, winning silverwares after another. They've grown to set unrealistic benchmark for their team. All due to the miracle in the form of one Alex Ferguson. Lets face it, he won the league with the likes of Cleverley, Anderson and Carrick as a central midfield line-up, a line-up that is mediocre at best. That's a tall order to ask from any manager, let alone somebody new. That's just Sir Alex for you. A man with the Midas Touch.

But.

He took well over 26 years to come to that level. Moyes hasn't even been in charge one season. He inherited, barring the likes of Persie and Rooney, a mediocre team at best. They may be Champions but I bet Pellegrini or Arsene Wenger would bleed their temples, scratching their heads having to field this team week in week out. That's just the magic that Sir Alex was.

I digressed.

Moyes, given the time, I believe will bring the much celebrated stability that United boasts over the years. But time is a luxury that most modern day managers and owners cannot afford. He will get it right eventually. Time, time, time is of the essence and I cannot cannot stress this enough.

I'm willing to go as far as to give him 3 trophy-less seasons, though hopeful of Champions League qualifications. Sit back, its going to be a really bumpy ride but I believe faith will take us far and reward us handsomely.

But till that time come, I'm still grievin. ={

Cut me up and I still bleed Red.

Damnit!

I confess to being at times, a little mellower than I'd like to admit. But tell me WHO THE FUCK CUTS HIS ONIONS AT THIS POINT OF TIME IN THE AFTERNOON ? Nobody!

Making my eyes tearing up and shit. Damnit!

Probably

This is what happens when its 4 something in the morning and your brain decides that counting sheeps is too mainstream a thing, and thinking (overthinking) is a 'thing'. Creative inflow of thoughts in neither sequential nor logical order. They just randomly appear one thing after the other.

So a cheesy collage maybe ? Why the heck not.

So in the collage above that was probably me, probably Island Hopping in probably an island somewhere probably in the Northern state of Malaysia. Probably with a new hat and probably a new pair of probably RED crocs. Ciplak of course.

Edit: Island hopping was probably nice. An island surrounded by salt water and in the middle of her belly a freshwater lake. Awesome brilliant! (me running out of adjectives) Taktau berenang ? Tak jadi masalah. At ten Ringgit, an overpriced life jacket can be rented out from the nearest peddler. So why the heck not ? Probably.

Edit's edit: Island Hopping consists of 3 activities in total. Pulau Dayang Bunting with the freshwater skinny dipping. Tengok and bagi makan Helang and lepaking at Pulau Beras Basah, FYI.

Two, one of my bestest pal is getting married today. My feelings are jumbled into a pile of mess, weepy substance, remnants of what's left of masculinity inside of me. Happy for him that he's found the one. Sad on the other that things may never be the same again. Probably, its just me. I'm a Melan Choly fucker like that.

Hafiz, congratulations on your wedding and good luck in your future undertakings. You're one of the most upstanding guy I have ever met and she is lucky to have landed you.

And one thing not many people may know about him is that he loves his grass to the point of trying to befriend them as can be seen from the picture below:

Either that or he was trying to cover up the fact that he was farting. Nice try Hafiz. Nice try.