Idealism. Nota Kaki : This is as real as it could be, mcm Cerekarama, tapi bukan.

Our wishes and hopes are childish idealism, faced against the harsh surface of Reality. Us, fragile humans are bound to succumb to horrendous pitfalls. At times, we could never go back, back to something that was us.

A friend of mine was dreading at his seeming fault, running through self inflicted mental torture, blaming himself on things he thought he did. Weeping and having no one to hear your tears. Painful. I know the dude, obnoxious, arrogant, hoo-haa, I-Dont-Give-A-Flying-Fuck type asshole. But he weeped. He weeped for the girl.

Was I taken aback for the fact that he cried & dread so much, and alone for the fact. He wasn't him when i was talking to him yesterday. The dude's messed up and most of the time lost his points and direction. So much so at times, i had to tell him to shut up and let me make my points first. And the arrogant bastard did too, and EVEN THANK ME later for that. Shocking ? Tell me about it.

Belanja him drinks, asked him to sit and even bring the beverage to the table in my shallow attempt of making the session as comfortable as I can for him. (Oh, I don't usually do this for gentlemen, mind you, so all ya fucken' Gheys, bugger off now !)

S : I've got a girlfriend of hrmm, from 2001 to 2008, how long is that ?
Me : Wow. Thats erm, around 6 - 7 years man !
S : Yea, that long. * long pause *
Me : Now relax, and tell me what happen dude..
S : She's engaged dude, to someone else..
Me : What the Fu-, what happen man ?
S : We got involved in an accident. Both of us..
Me : Uh-huh. * nods nods *

The ramblings went on and I pretty much garnered that the blames are on his shoulder, as he asserted his guilt after every few words he spilled. But in the midst of the messed up state he was in, he was as resolute as a man who's willing to gamble everything, including his life, in a single turn of wheels and put everything behind, for the girl. He's already got a one way ticket to Terengganu, though the Definite Major Purpose of him going there, wasn't properly defined, I know in his heart, he needs to see the girl, and the girl FIRST, before anything else. I was moved, though a little skeptical on the lack of planning in the little plan of his.

I told him that he's got my full support and he's not alone in this. I will back whatever decision that he's come and will come to, so long as the decisions are made within the borders of Rationality. Not maneuvered by neither his anger nor frustration.

I told him to go run and get her back.

But as idealistic as we were, deep in my heart I know that Reality isn't as nice as we would've hoped for. The damage has been done and it will take more than the distance of the travelling to undo the fix. Thus, i reminded him that nothing, NOTHING is guaranteed to work 100 % as we would idealistically hope for. That first. Secondly, the damage is already on its semi-permanent stage, if not permanent, hence, the travelling and the assuring processes might take a while, tiring and sometimes seemingly pointless, but maybe, just maybe, if we put enough faith, even a frozen ocean might melt into a flowing sea again. Oh saya sungguh puitis !

To be, or not to be continued. My preference. :D

Laters.

Raizzen

" Why Do Fireflies Depart So Soon ? "
Nota Kaki : Some quotes from Notes From The Underground

They shone. And begone. Far to Oblivion,
Lighted our Life with the scarcity of theirs,
Brighten the face of ours in the darkness they face -

They came around too late,
And they depart too soon,
"And now am dreading,
Taunting myself,
With bitter,"
Useless, Question..

Asking " Why do Fireflies depart so soon ? "

In the smiling memories of -

" I hope U Like The Flowers.. "

Nota Kaki : Quotes and paying homages from and to the late Tupac here & there..

She's beautiful, give me a silent nod if u think its not an overstatement..

Her smiles captivate not the entire hall, they collapse the whole foundation

But nobody ever wonder why does she has damaged petals..

Oblivious of the vengeful winds she faces alone, her personal battles.

Clueless of ocean of tears she braves alone in the odd hours

She's walked blinfolded, on a pitch dark path frighteningly lonely to others.

And learnt the hard way, to appreciate the beauty of the company of tears

Odd how something of fragile nature withstand the batterings thru these years

She's witnessed something no soul should have even heard of

Its time she blooms and rise up, its time she takes off

P/S : I dedicate not the pants, but the bouquet on the trousers :D

Rise & bloom, let yourself off the past.. " I hope U like the flowers.. "

" Funny it seems, but by keeping her dreams, she learned to breathe fresh air.

Long live the rose that grew from concrete when no one else ever cared. "

Untitled Randomism.

Wan's leaving us for boarding school at Seremban. Ironically, the school I was in, I mean practically, coz my old school was relocated to another area somewhere around Seremban II. So now we'll both study at the same exact ground, with 2 different schools ! Woah. Odd coincidence.

Saddens me that the house is gonna be even emptier now that both Yan & Hafiz are doing their studies in Penang.

I feel voided of literary power to express how I'm feeling now, but it feels terribly lonely.

Dire State.

Am in dire state of need of My Old Self. Would I even have a look at what I've done to myself. Oh shit, please, please, please reincarnate The Self Centered, Obnoxious, Ignorant bastard I was.

Who the fuck are ya ? *looks in the mirror* Who the fuck are ya weepy whiny little Bitch ?

I hate you ! OMG !111 I hate Myself..

/me raises 2 middle fingers, commencing project "Obnoxiously Giving Not Any Flying Fucks v1.0"

Back In The Lab.
Nota Kaki : I'm back. (I wish)

Back in the Lab again. Trying to grasp the Reality of these seemingly Unreal occurrences that I have allowed to take place around Me. The breeze that wraps herself around me does not any longer sounds so convincing.

Light taps on my shoulder. " Hey Sir, I think I know what your problem is.. " says a faceless stranger, " What .. ? ", I blurted with certain uncertainty, " I know what your problem is Sir, you are, erm.. " He clears his throat while I'm still there pretty much dumbfounded waiting for his next projection of words, the dude's trying to be polite and all, I understand, but he's getting me all anxious now, and its all his fault. I was, for a few seconds, lost in my own tangle of riddles up in my head when he nonchalantly, not to mention catching me off guard, mentions " Lyfeless ! "

WHAT THE FUCKKK ? Are you serious ? " Yes, I am, but you, Sir, are in a more serious problem, you're in tight shit man, its like you've got your dick stuck in a virgin ass and the bitch is about take a dump man ! " LOL. The dude has got some serious academical flaws in making his point. But oddly enough, i get it. Crystal clear. Maybe its just because of the Assman I pretty much am.

The pieces of the Puzzle are scattered all over the edge of its platform. Detached pieces that have extracted the Me.exe substance from Myself.JPEG. Its time to peep at the BIGger Picture , Bitches. And i mean BIG. Period.

On the lighter, I might come back to this post, you know, elaborate a few details, minus all the intentional complexity in between, if your asses are lucky enough. But then again, i might not. What ? What ? Really ? Go ahead and sue me. Yea, yea, I'll be glad to see you in court.

A quick glance to the mirror, walked by, a few steps backward, I look again, this time wondering to myself : " Hey who the fuck is this Guy ? What the fuck is he doing there ?, Hello Sir, do i know you from somewhere ? Can I help you ? " Not only that he doesn't at all mind to mind me, it pisses me off even more when the Guy's actually Me. So yea, I smashed the mirror to a million shattered pieces and successfully bleed my knuckles in the process. I drag the dude out, so that we could have a little discussion verbally

Reality Check.

My swollen vision aches of teary eyes, never mind the pride at stake.
At least the sore bore the very price, price to keep me awake.
Body tattooed of battle scars, most of them from wars with myself within Me.
Never has it crossed my mind that I'd stand so formidable an Adversary.

I thought I'd beat Odds in the race of Contradiction,
with aids from the abundance of Steroid needles & Injections.
But caught gasping for air, when I finally saw Who's actually my opponent.
Irony beats me when I found out that I'm scared of my own reflection.

I dread at the crawling minutes that form the wheel chaired hours.
Dreading at the moments that should've been Ours.
Time tiptoed slowly than ever, Fuck all ye fake ticks on the clock !
Time too, has proven to me how easy she'd turn a Man to a Dork.
For in the course of hours, She'd easily kill him and glad doing the honor.
Hence, if these tears are measured in the form of seconds, I'd be a Goner.

The brutal massacre of Oneself with the approval of Consciousness, far from Subtle.
"Let me just sleep, for when I sleep, I dream. When I'm awake, everything seems so futile.."

"Let me just sleep, for when I sleep, I dream. When I'm awake, everything seems so futile.."

P/S : I Love You..
Current Listen : Maroon 5 - Won't Go Home Without You.mp3
Nota Kaki : I'm inspired..

The Past :

His eyes sored with hot tears steaming down a face that tires
Drops of them on his last enveloped thoughts & words for her
Petrified at the thoughts of leaving the world to Oblivion
Manages to somehow sculpture a broken smile thru his glass expression
However sad, butterflies are flying about in his abdomen
Excited about how she'll make new memories while framing the old moments
The tears, again an unnoticed company, roll on his cheeks again
This time sealing off his presence - away with his pain..

The Present :

She strays alone - in the vicinity of her thoughts, unalarmed.
This seems so Unreal, " He cant be dead yet, look, he looks so calm ! "
She didnt even spill a tear when the last sand covered his coffin
When she gets back, he's gonna put on the smile like he does often
Knocking on their door, " Hun, am homeeee.. " - to a No reply,
Smirking, she thought "One of yer silly tricks again huh, u Sly !"
"Just u wait.." she pretends getting upset, loving his fake repentance
The grass, the garden, they all look the same, only this time, he's absent..

The Verdict :

She trembles at the familiar sight of the handwriting, its his !
" I told u guys he isnt dead yet.. " her heart leaps in bliss
Fascinated, she strips away the envelope as quickly as she can
Without hurting the edges of the last thing that was touched by his hands
"The chicken scratch ! This must be his.. !", temporal joy filled her
Till the last 2 lines drag her back to Reality, one that drills her.

They read :

"By the time u read this letter, i probably am in the place faraway, watching above u.."
"Be glad there'll be no more pranks & bashes from me.. & P/S : I regret not having loved U.."

Copywritten 78ed.
Enthroned.

My mind orchestrates some phantom plots
While its physics derives of some random thoughts
My knuckle bleed & my fist still swinging
Even if i am on my buckled feet, my will - stinging.

My words travel the arc of universe
Without my lips having to part first
So what the fuck would happen if I decide to spit fire ?
Fuck torching my pieces, my eloquence'd lid vapours

Words with hell as the scale, remember your Sire's name
But u wont live to tell the tale, let alone acquire fame
Be glad your last word on earth was Raizzen
For it'd take a 1000 years to topple me after the first uprising

I'd step on carcasses with a smirk on my face
Decayed flesh'd only spark a thirst on my pace
So if u think u'd only find yourself in turmoils
Come & see me, I'll send ya back one with the soil..

I loves U.

The very spot U is placed,
The very vowel U sounds,
The very significance U phrase,
The very Heaven U is bound.

The very dread world'd fall to-
Without the very presence of U.

The very what U signifies,
The very who U represents,
The very Irony U n_llifies,
Has U never leave & resent.

The very end I would meet,
These feelings I couldn't mete.

U, please know this,
Opinion would've had her views-
On the very way U is,
When all I know is, that - I loves U.

To The Very Least.. I've Still Got PoeDreadaries.

I found a place so cozy, a temple of which i manifest all Hindrance
I'd say flawless, perfect to conceal myself - behind my Intelligence.

No person scary enough to beat me cold and drag me where my ass is stuffed
Irony ? Beats me, I mean shoot, even one that you loath's as close as ur Love !
But wait, you havent seen anything yet, but since u insist, OK,thats something..
But Dont you find it funny when matters matter ONLY when you stop laughing ?

Here i am, back again tracing on the visible trail of Ignorance
Swinging my fist fast, but swinging in the dark only bruises my Arrogance
A constant stinging sensation that dwells the cells upon my brain
And you wonder why my thoughts would hurt & my tongue inflict emotional pain ?

" Dont ask me why, ask me How " - Now be a dear and ask me How, dear.
But then again who the fuck says that you're even gonna smell the answer ?
You hurt me when you say that i dont, coz frankly speaking, i do care.
I DO CARE if you invade my personal clusters, begone, well, at least while im there.

Your hands were the one reaching out to me, did I hesitate and blink wondering
The most reaching yet the simplest "Its ok" - left me with no more ponderings
Your hands were what saved me & they too were the ones forever slamming the door
The worst part of Imagination and the best parcel - I dont care anymore..

Down Memory Lane : Deja Vu
Current Listen : OneRepublic - Apologize.mp3

Ecah poyo nak mampus, me ? the total opposite ! hello ?

Ok, this, somehow seems familiar, hrmm, where have i dipped my taste buds on this feeling of Deja Vu. Holy Shit. Practical students. Yea they come and go, and the only thing that remain are the crumbs of memories left behind the trail of the stress smothered piles of work papers and never empty tables of the tired cubicles. Me again, trapped within my own definition of Emptiness. I forced a fake burst of laughter, one with the credibility worthy of making people around me believe that i'm not at all troubled by the exterior motions that are far from oblivion. People notice the tension, Ecah's tears seal it, Period.

I, on the other hand, showed not a single hint of wrinkles of worry.

Wan, nice fella. Me ? I define Niceness, again, hello ?

The 3 months-old bond, too young, Greenish, if you ask me, but sighs, I just hate it. I just hate my tender self. I just cant stand looking at their empty cubicles. I just hate the glass on the table, i hate how well arranged the files are, Argh fuck, Holy fuck. Too strong a bond too fragile an affair.

Good luck guys, in all yer future undertakings, the best of it. You will need loads of it. And until the day that we meet again, you can always look back and be glad (very) that i used to be good a friend of your laughters and hey, your tears, more so.

Till we meet again..

Twenty Four Times Three Sixty Five Life Cycle
Current Listen : The growlings of my angry stomach.
Nota Kaki : Saya lapar..

A path frighteningly lonely to others..

They left for Kedah & Perak yesterday, leaving behind some trails of Nasik and a few slices of 'Rendang Daging' for me to gobble upon. Erm Ok i guess, was what i thought, just to be so cynically proven the otherwise later. I later found out that the Nasik has already fit the bills of a trash can occupant. Ok, it wasn't there when they left, but now, i do feel like am being abandoned, and, on a lonely and windy path not taken by most.

And suddenly the world came crashing down to my face when i, finally came to a divine realization of how pillaged the kitchen was. The Biskuts, The Burgers, The Hotdogs and The Telurs even ? The Telurs.. such crucial ingredient for my ideal preference of how a bowl of Megi Mee should be, Takde ? Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Im finally scared now & i suddenly realize how lonely i am in this cold world.

Later on i officially am a Megi Boi when i had nothing but Megi Mee for both lunch and dinner. Minum with my cuzzies and granted them the privilege of paying for me, trust me, they couldn't have looked more cheerful. I'm glad i can be much of help. Really i do.

Shot off to KLIA for a blo.. Err, a 2nd Job that pays quite lavishly and a great one, should it be excluded of such stupid shift arrangements, but - " Hey You, Yea, You damnnit ! Your ass is broke and such luxurious remarks are far off too luxurious for your ass now, live with it hence, Punk ! "

Signing off, and my friend finally answers the calls which i had directed him with, to ask whether or not has he realized this once-in-lifetime opportunity at his doorstep, by having me inviting him for a berakfast, no, breakfast, damnit ! And the dude is on a Morn' Shift, really i do pity him. But drop by anyways at his station to withdraw my fast draining cash just to realize that i have a few bucks more than what sum i thought i possess. Had breakfast with him anyways when i saw a nicely packed hot Roti Canai and Dal within his grasp. Well, i tried to resist, but he wants to treat me the Roti Canai so bad, i couldn't help it. So i only buy the cold Milo then.

A full stomach with an empty home to return to, sighs. Sad. Woke up at 12 something just to lose all sense of Time coz Yan's room is without any window or its pane. And i've still got but one problem though, what am i gonna have for lunch ? Of course i would love the richly topped Pizzas with some cheesy finishings as its crust, damnit ! But for God's sake, for God's sake -

I is broke, Period.

Oh, I'm Messed Up and So ?
Current Listen : The sound of the phone ringing from a call i dont wish to entertain..

Saya rasa macam banyak gila nak blog but then again i don't know what to write even, pissed, fucked, smirked, smirking, feeling a throne atop, feeling stuck in the deep pit of the Shallows and the dark dungeon of the Dimwitteds. Oh fuck, holy fuck.

" Hey You, stop rubbing yer feet against mine, coz if you think the otherwise, im so gonna prove you the total opposite of the otherwise. I'll rape ya bitch, and im not gonna be your boyfriend, ever ! "

Yati leaves some flowery marks in the mind of the sickness of mine, how shallow ever. Being a darling she is.

Oh shoot im fuckin horny. And fuck you, fuck you assholes, now here taste some of this.. * mid fingers *

And yes yer welcomed, dont let me see yer fuckin face again bitch. Yes you, yea you. Fuck you.

I & U

What are the stars without the moon complementing their presence ?
And where is US while I is being here in U's absence ?

When every phrase are deforming into overused expressions
'I love U' remains the most soothing serenade, I fashion.

..And IF tomorrow is a privilege I is not granted -
I's only regret would be - Taking U for granted !

..And IF that day ever arrives, I shall be U's permanent Shadow
One that'll be there when days are bright & even when nightful of Sorrow..

But Then Again..
Current Listen : Ungu - Kau Tercipta Untukku.mp3
Nota Kaki : The Misspellings of Life.

If Life's as easy as A, B, C .
And if our Relation Ship sails easy as U & Me.
I digress, I'm getting weary of the Dance
Tripping & fumbling while on the prance
And if my tears aren't labeled Hefty
I would just let them flow, like a cradled baby.

Life's a never ending pursuit on the tracks of Reality
We are but the athletes, expendable Individualities.
If I ever encounter the harsher points this chase -
Could I just rush to your assuring embrace ?
Again i digress, that's IF Life's spelled with just ABC
When a misspelled word of 'Life' could sound just like Irony.

But then again, if its not too much to ask of a favor -
Allow me the privilege of I Love U, forever.

A Price Long Have I Known Hefty
Current Listen : Copywrite - Jeah.mp3
Nota Kaki : Read this or you don't know what yer missing OR will be missing, have missed, have been missing and don't miss me asshole, i'm straight.

Unpleasant encounters have very rarely managed to tickle me personally..
Coz the distance between external occurance and my nerve - Heavenly !

So no dear, i hate not the ground you walk on, thats not how its gonna be..
I just Loath U so much, Curse even the air that embraces your proximity !

If numbers were to define the hatred you've buried within me
You'd have to dig something beyond the playing ground of Infinity

Fuck U think i'm gonna throw some toys ? I'll let U taste the whole pram.
"Drained words fusion to seasoned promises and form a hardened contempt"

You don't really understand what the fuck i was saying aint ya, Bum ?
Coz my piece's so ahead of its time, Nostradamus'd think that hes dumb.

I see not the necessity of making known my presence to the masses
Why ? My Poetry, alone, walks the definition of a Mad Genius.

Yes, the view from the throne atop, is indeed frighteningly lonely.
Its one that i have chose, a price long have i known Hefty..

U were the cost of my shortsightedness, only time when i was somewhat silly
Regret not shouldering the lengthy debt, a price long have i known Hefty..

Rarely Do I..

I was not born to know hate. Neither does the word hate invented for my sly self. Shit, its fuckin's hard for me to even hate someone or something and no, it doesnt really matter if i hate you, no.. But when i do, it'll be so fucking deep and rooted, even the air you breathe will seem so fuckin' despicable. Rarely do i, but dont push me..

Shit, im losing my edge, where the hell's the Subtlety, Damnit ?

..of Some Hip Hop Group Members
Nota Kaki : IF & only if..

Gone are the nights of sheer Confusion in the daylight of your Presence
Zoning out, I was colourless till along came a spectrum of pure Essence
A piece apart i was from Tranquility - You complement the whole Puzzle
Life's made of warring campaigns, and a comrade in these personal battles ?
I couldnt be more deceitful, IF I say that I'm just happy with what I possess
For your presence's a Question too many - More than i could've ever asked !
Am floating in a dimension of Fantasy like Reality, which of the two ?
Hell, i've said too much, when all i wanna say was just - I Miss You !

..of Some Random Poedreadry
Nota Kaki : Feeling Sucky..

Internal exclamation that falls on a deaf ear.
Somebody who will Listen, not merely here to hear.
Falling into an endless tunnel, how do i fall flat ?
Graveyard aint the scariest place, but where your thoughts at.
Human mind's a tangled thread formed by utter evils
As redundant as " I'm a Sinner ", muttered by the devil
Running contrary off the suction source : A futile attempt -
..of breakin' free, respects spared ? None. Shown only contempts.
Was born a Champion, raised a loser, grown as a pathetic void
Self bashing's what i befriend and self worth's what i avoid

Fed the physical often, nurture the soul seldom
I cant see the source, seemingly pains are phantom.
Constantly reminded against trusting a stranger
So if i don't believe in myself, i'm merely minding the minder..

Down Memory Lane..
Nota Kaki : Be forewarned of heavy usage of the 'back' word since yea i want turn back the clock if i could..

I was back in Seremban after close to 7-8 years leaving it. Not exactly the same Seremban i used to know back when i was in an all boys boarding school back in 1997. Though much have changed, I must also say that many remain recognizable from a Reminisce-r point of view. Im glad.

Regardless of the gladness though, i was also struck by series of remorseless mixed feelings. I feel sad, anxious, alert, insecure and so many forms of feeling that i wish i can identify. I cant really enjoy the variety of luxuries and rarities that were offered due to the hallucination of the younger me & my friends lurking around the face of Terminal One. We used to hang out at the Gaming outlet that offers loads of games regardless of their ingenuity. My friends were obsessed about Tekken 3 and we will sit there kicking our asses off each other and this one Duke will brag all day long about his newly enthroned state.

We too were very obsessed of Mangas and Gundams. We will linger around the facade of a Manga outlet just so that we're given the first glimpses of whats happening to our all-time favorite hero which will be none other than Son Goku. We never mind standing and spending hours in between the gondolas of Gundams at Seremban Parade just to hear how cool it is to be a Johorean who happens to be so near to SG and got to watch Gundam show from the neighbor country. Tho' i can tell that 80% of what he was telling us were pure craps, but who cares anyways ? We were "Woaaaaaa"-ing all around nodding our head to his lies.

How can i not be emotional when every floor has got a brief scene of the past, yet very vivid memories ? Every store that i stop by has got a story that us alone, would understand the laughs and the tears behind them.

" ? 97 to back it turn to able be i would, cycle 360 a Life's If.. "

If I read 'em backwards, perhaps i would ?

You are 60% Optimus Prime!
Current Listen : The Rambling Blabbers of The General Jealousy.. Wargh kargh kargh..

Optimus Prime

Optimus Prime is the heroic leader of the Autobots. He is the personification of courage, strength, and integrity. His personal motto is that “Freedom is the right of all sentient beings.”

Like Optimus Prime, you are good by nature. But beware because mischievous thoughts sometimes tempt you. You are inspiring, confident, and a natural leader. The Autobots have chosen well. In addition, you stick to the basics and don't need all the encumberances of modern technology.

" A Few Hours Away(s).. "

A few hours away from an anticipated mad-driving marathon, a few nerve-wrecking moments away from congested roads, a few hundred kilometers away from Kampung & two (2) days away from Raya. Hrmmm.. I don't really have things blogworthy, as TSP would like to say, to Blog out to begin with but i just like the feeling of writing "A few hours away.." from this & that before finally being there. It leaves me with weird sense of pleasure. Now, i'm starting to sound and feel like a Freekio.

Will be spending the next day and the 1st Raya at Kedah, not quite boring anymore comparing to the last 4-5 years, these kids have all grown up and we can do lotsa fun things together and Yan has had a laptop for quite some times now which means we can either kill the time by watching DVD's or capturing experimental photos utilizing the micro-mode feature and to extract them the instant they were taken. Sheer satisfaction.

I'm Ghost.

24 - Not The Mini Series, Mind You.

I was thinking.. " If tomorrow is a privilege not granted, i regret taking you for granted.. " Is it possible for me to turn it into something associated with more beauties ? I wish to rant more but my eyelids aren't doing me any justice by weighing so heavy that i can't help wanting to close its gap. Damnit.

But oh finally gained a little motivation, i've finally gotten rid of the swelling gums and stinging dental ache. Yay ! My Raya will not be ruined. Yay !! Damn, 5 glass of gargle & the blood is still not less crimson that it was on the first sip, shush.

Still on MC today.. Damnit, heavy work load awaits me smirkingly tomorrow. Shushhh, gimme a break willya ?

To Kill A Mockingbird

I'm filthy. Self Hate is growing and so is pain, physically and mentally. Whats left of Humanity inside me, is draining by the conceptions I once deem alien. A person is not a mere breeze in the evening, touched & begone, no, things will come back to haunt you. Their history, their life circles. Their laughters, their pain. Hideous. Damned.

On the lighter notes, i finished reading To Kill A Mockingbird after quite some times and glad i did. But felt a little holes in my routine these recent times. Shit, i already missed the Finches. Swollen gum, stinging dental pain, never-ending painkillers, a couple of movies, bukak puasa with some big portions of the family, 2 days MC sum up my fine - not weekend.

Shit, i'm dumb. Getting dumber -

The Sinner I Am

The weight of Guilt is unbearable, the damage dealt ? Fatal. I wondered what foolishness has come into my head that translates into my doings these past few days. Contrary to the Past few days they are, i somehow, feel like i'm inhaling the air of hopelessness for a tad too long. Not justified with the actual number of days it counts. Never comes down to me till she knocks me off balance from the fragile thread that i was walking on.

I am now dreading at the thought of my lengthy sins resulting from the disposal of my short sighted estimation.

Weird Roller Coster Ride
Current Listen : My Chemical Romance - I don't Love You.mp3
Nota Kaki : Just another random Joe walking humble on the surface of earth..

These past 2 weeks have been the weirdest, if not the sickest, of all the weeks that have went by. Quick to pull me to the zenith of my feeling and abruptly dragged me into the abyss of it. Buka Puasa out with some old friends at Tesco, such joy that have i garnered from such simple encounter proves but one thing, i'm tired.

Shit i sound like an old man.

Then comes the Orgy of this age, my PC wetted by several foreplays alone, forget penetrations. In the twenty years of my life, never have i encountered such mighty self hatred towards myself, how could i ? Goddamn it. Now i'm all lonely & teary.

Bukak Puasa at Concorde, Shah Alam, where the glasses are shiny, the feast aplenty and the laughters lengthy. Where normal looking folks broke out of their shell and grab the mic and rock it like crayyzyyy. Kara-KOing. Yes, that was intended, Kara-KOing. They sucked, hard. But who cares anyways, so long as we were having mad fun. The dudes were trying to pull me up the stage to get me singing and I, out of such enormous inborn Genius-cydal genes, manage to escape, unscathed.

Meeting starts off at 3PM though it was intended to happen at 2, i innocently walk into the room with absolutely no suspicions at all. A meeting with our General Manager, my issues at hand are not even more than 3 out of the 120 something slides that were prepared in total. Office hours end at 4PM in Bulan Puasa and our beloved GM managed to drag it till the clock hits the luvly 6 at her face. Nice. Nice Indeed. 2 spots to hit before reaching my destination, with less than an hour at hand, from Sepang to Dengkil to Puchong. Prayers, refuelling, and the ecetras ? Mad Genius. Whew, i do live in a fast lane yea ? Was driving like mad Kilometres freak to arrive. But somehow i did make it -

To IOI Mall an Bukak Puasa with a few old friends, still. Crayyzayy bunch. Bukak Puasa at Pizza Hut was always my idea of a wonderful Bukak Puasa when the holy month shoots off in the early September and here i am now, though the dishes ordered weren't exactly ones that i had hoped for, but cool still though.

Its all becoming interesting at the end, i wonder what hectic insanity shall unfold itself in the face of the upcoming Hari Raya. Yay !

On the side note, Selamat Berpuasa & Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri to all my fellow Muslim Brethrens.

Random Rantings Out of So Many Outings..
Nota kaki : Unnecessary Post, but hey be glad i'm posting..

Parental Advisory : Highly Retarded

Today i met (virtually) some two (2) serious Idiots, is it two (2) ? erm, i mean i cant be bothered since the lesser there is a population of Idiots, the better prospect of the future we've got in our hands, right fellas ? Now clap with me hey.

One of them, from the Tribe mentioned above that's worth a mention or two in this Majestic Transcript of mine (be glad you were born sucker, your name's here) is :

* Drum Rolls *

Mr. (Ms. ?) kacang aka Bar Ruang (Beruang ?). (Cute aint she, she's Pink.)

Amusing as it is frustrating, him out of so many Dumbos ? Aww somebody console me please.. Took into account the literal meaning of everything, i mean for God's sake why did they even bother to invent the "Don't judge a book by its cover" idiom, Idiot. And by reacting as such to a sentence so vague, he was just making it transparent how Idiotic he actually is. I mean there are like so many ways to be an Idiot, and he chose the most idiotic of them ? Am I saddened and all emotional - and here i thought that the future would be brighter.

Further further more, aint something of Beauty is something that you cannot judge of exterior aspects alone ? And i wouldn't sit there asking myself why if he ends up with some A-Little Prettier-Than-A-hairy-Butt-In-G-Strings lass. Wouldn't even bother pondering.

The other half of the Tribe ? Don't even bother mentioning..

Now where's the 'Publish Post' button ? Oh there you are, lets make him famous for being part of my Exalted Transcript.

Twenty Four Different Kinds of Pain, A Three Sixty Five Life Cycle

" Don't make other people's work pending because of you.. " she says so nonchalantly, not to mention brokenly, and oh a stint of little chuckles at the end of the glorious sentence to mark a little humor she thought, somehow present in the dimwitted words of hers. Niceness folks, niceness. In fact it wouldn't be exaggerating if i say Brilliant.

I mean if one goddamn arsehole who can play games at work and make good use of office's phone spending precious office hours talking on the phone can say that to me. I mean its about time i get scolded for focusing on my computer doing my work, for God's sake i barely stop to take a breather and this nice fine young woman can question my etiquette and worse even, towards my own works ?

Blah. I'll show ya, ya see..

Untitled-ably Randomism II.
Current Listen : Keane - Somewhere Only We Know.mp3
Current Read : To Kill A Mockingbird
Nota Kaki : Was thinking about Blogging when it suddenly appears to me that this is more appealing as of current time.
Nota Kaki II : So so piece without pre-writtens, impromptu shits. Mind the lack of literacy power in between the lines.

Let my thoughts ran for while, i'm sick of confinements, one after another.
Has walk of Life always been this lonely ? Does it's to be so ? I won't bother.

"Walk across an empty land" & struck by a stint of Deja Vu, I've been here.."
At the halt of the Horizon stood An angel with a scathe, - " Where've i seen her ?

She was smiling, while I was too busy sorting out what she could've felt if -
I toss one back, now look at the pain that have i dealt with.

A blink away and now she's a goner, how costly a moment of hesitation.
Now my Life's worn out, a reminder of constant retributions.

Pukingly Sickening
Nota Kaki : Oh mind the reinvented vocabs of mine

Malaysian's crave for names and recognition, the Malays to be specific, are pukingly sickening, you'd see how wide coverage from the medias are playing a damn good role in the Stupifications of the Malays. Goddamn, everything's done for the love of the name. I mean yea, climbing up Everest and swimming through some goddamn seas are so 'big' of an achievement, but for crying out loud, we are toppling a peak that was tamed some good 40 - 50 years ago, yea the first batch of the climbers are acceptable but God, for God's sake, how many times do you have to topple down an already tamed Everest ? Why not use the fund for something beneficial instead of engraving your footsteps on someone's walking lawn ?

Malaysia, your sons and daughters in the ghettos, the single mothers, the orphanage, religious schools are better off as candidates for the wasted funds instead of these recognition-craving dumbfuckingly retarded assholes.

Sighs.

Why not try putting your foot on the sun for a change ?

Dumbfuck faggots.

Untitled-ably Randomism.
Nota Kaki : 10 mins piece. Feel like bashing in braggadciosesamestreet.

Don't attempt a tongue-twister against me
Lest will it be a bloody verbal frenzy
BLOWING minds, like M'sian political gimmicks
My wisdom has got only the sky as the limit
Like Grizzly in your head, Bear in Mind,
That i shall blitzkrieg passages soon, in the meantime..

Sit tight and enjoy whats unfolding..

Pre-Independence Day Post I
Nota Kaki : Should've posted it weeks ago, but oh well..

31st August is fast marching towards us and the Friday sermon was reminding its attendees of " Hari Pahlawan " and its celebrated outcasts, the soldiers. Yes, i do grief for our heroes whose selfless display of bravery has brought us Malaysians, ungrateful Malaysians mind you, the scent of freedom.

But who, who in his worldly-right mind, would celebrate the unsung heroes of the mountains of Afghanistan, the rubbles of Baghdad, the coldness of Caucacus and the cries from the minarets of Al-Aqsa ? These faceless individuals have left everything of worldly pleasures. They have chosen the path of the most humilliating worldly disgrace one could opt for when they could have sit there and comply like most of their accomplices do, or worse even, cooperate with the occupiers themselves.

Im pretty sure that these faces will not be remembered, let alone be mentioned in the folds of history, the Western-crafted history, mind you. Not in another 10 - 20 years, not until at least the very day that the Islamic Caliphate be revived. These individuals have chosen a path few have the guts to even ponder upon, yet they charge without any second thoughts of the aftermath. They author the future with their swords as their quills and the crimson of blood as their ink. A future they're not even guaranteed a seat of.

" The Gardens will perceive springs but we will not be there to see it " - Sheikh Ahmad Al-Ghazi of Red Mosque, Pakistan

The INnate INability To Overcome Oneself.
Its fucked up.

Im moving fast in this fast-paced world of ours, i've got but one problem, that is that - I'm moving backwards. What a way to commemorate adulthood. Its fucked up and i cant focus. I'm starting get weary of goals. I lost sight of them or is my vision blurry ? God fucking Damnit. I want to be able to achieve glory of certain fields of life without jeorpardizing the others. I'm only a person away from everything that i wanna achieve in this brief lifetime of mine. And that person, i present it to you, naked & vulnerable, none other than - My fuckin' self.

Frankly speaking i dont even know what to talk about. Its really lonely up in the head and all i've got is mysefl again, to talk to. Since no one person that i believe will not be judgemental of what i'll talk about.

B..O.. bo D..O..H.. doh !

Bodoh !

Artist : Plain White T's
Album : All That We Needed
Title : Hey There Delilah
Footnote : Schweetnesh.



Hey there Delilah
Whats it like in New York City
I'm a thousand miles away
But girl tonight you look so pretty
Yes you do
Times Square cant shine as bright as you
I swear it's true

Hey there Delilah
dont you worry about the distance
I'm right there if you get lonely
Give this song another listen
close your eyes
listen to my voice its my disguise
Im by your side

Ohhh, its what you do to mee
Oh, its what you do to me (x2)
What you do to me

Hey there Delilah
I know times are gettin hard
but just believe me girl
some day i'll pay the bills with this guitar
we'll have it good
we'll have the life we knew we would
My word is good

Hey there Delilah
I've got so much left to say,
if every simple song i wrote to you
would take your breath away
I'd write it all.
Even more in love with me you'd fall
We'd have it all

Ohhh, it's what you do to mee
Oh, it's what you do to me (x2)

A thousand miles seems pretty far
but they've got planes and trains and cars
I'd walk to you if I had no other way.
Our friends would all make fun of us
and we'll just laugh along because
we know that none of them have felt this way
Delilah I could promise you
that by the time that we get through
the world will never ever be the same
and you're to blame

Hey there Delilah
you be good and dont you miss me
2 more years and you'll be done with school
and I'll be making history like I do
You'll know it's all because of you
We can do whatever we want to

Hey there Delilah heres to you,
this one's for you

Ohhh, it's what you do to me
Oh, its what you do to me (x2)
What you do to me
Oh oh oh oh etc

I'm dumb & i'm childish. Fuckfaced.

A M R A H K R A E D

If you can hear my tears tonight
The feeling that i fear to fight
The feeling that places none above you
One that spells " I love You "

Every Cliche that was given birth by overused Expressions
" I'm sorry ".. & I'd understand why it's refused acceptance

The unspoken lapse that defines the gap between us
With checkpoints of Trials & Tribulations that screen us
I cant find the sight of me without U in my arms
Let me be your Oasis, one that offers Dew of no harms
Without U, i lost the cause of my Struggle
Verbally defected, like a clause with no vowels

When soothing tunes turn looney, am hollow
I'm drowning in the Darkest Damned Sorrow
Panting on INadequacy of the meaning of words
From lips that project the spinning of Curse

Tonight i put faith behind my every words
Every syllables binded a sentence - Far from absurd
And every phrase that commutes a meaning
Meaning of my INterpretations, the very foundation of my leaning.

** Usual flipping of an old notebook, thought its kinda cool, a few ammendments here and there, and here i am..

Sundays, Sin Days..
And the shit goes on..
Current Listen : N/A

Sundays have always, never failing, to obliterate whatever cheers that i've got in me into ashes. They never have. In Sundays, I'll always feel confused. In Sundays i'll always feel that the clock is ticking a little faster than the rest of the days in a week, and every tick, is a tick against me. Sundays, do you hate me ? Goddamn it, dont make me see ya for i shall molest ya without any hinge of Remorse.

Wanna go buy a brand new DVD Writer since the previous one was simultaneously raped by me, I and myself, so bad that she cough off sperms from her lips. Yea gross, sue me, fuckers ! And my parents had to use my car to go to some kenduris of my pop's subordinates. Yea yea yea, whatevers.

Goddamn it, gimme pussies. Fuck 'em.

Edits : And oh, Salman Rushdie splits with his wife, WARGH KARGH KARGH KARGH KARGH KARGH KARGH KARGH KARGH, so much for the freedom eh ? Serves you right fucker.

* Inserts middle finger(s) *

Disclaimer : That was edited after the first time publishing, and im glad i accidently saw the Salman Rushdie post in my Blog.

Paper Plane In The Rain
Current Listen : Jason Wade of Lifehouse - You Belong To Me.mp3

Stared upon the blank screen, and all i see is You
I thought i lose something and thats when i realize I miss U !

My admiration towards you - A paper plane launched in the rain
Its Agony binded by thousand pains, long have i known that its vain

To be without, makes no sense while to be with you, is total Nonsense
A side of me hates you, while the other loath you - being absent.

The root of my pain is One, yet im facing 2 Me's
IF and only if, you can see how meaningful you are to me..

And should you not, just let it reside under the sheet of my deathbed
And the Earth shall bear the very weight of the memories coloured in Red

" We'll See.. "
2 years (yea almost) of Blogging & still counting. Let us commemorate the very first time i ever stumbled upon a Blog.

At times i wake up wondering of the purpose of my Life. Purpose or Goal, cascade down, fusion into short, long and if i may, definite termed characteristics.

The definite goal, being a Muslim, apparently, with or without concious, is to be ready for the Afterlife, though clearly, little have i done to prepare myself before Him. I admit.

Long & short termed, in my view, are defined on wordly purposes. These goals have by far, been the most frustrating. Loads of them have lingered within the back of my head, and none has manage to survive for me to see its end. Its either they were prematurely born, half way pursuit or not even pursued at all. I find my Life, at certain point, sickeningly plain. Is it the aftertaste of my newly developed personality or has it been there all along just for me to realize it as of late ?

At times i feel that I alone am Adequate to take on the whole world and her scorns, while the other time, i find myself salivating for the embrace of accompaniment. Had someone who was really interested in me, and this my friend, is very RARE and is no daily occurance, and i let her off sliding on the slippery platfrom of my Ignorance.

But do i really need or long for company, as in current context ? Coz yea, gradually i will. Guess being in adventure will open your eyes in all sort of directions. Path of Uncertainty is the path that'll lead me to seeing the bigger picture. Yea, i guess. Should i was wrong ? Well, i've got my whole remaining breathe for rectifications. I will find out along the way or at least i hope i will.

" We'll see.. " - is a Friend's default answer to the uncertains & i cant help myself liking it.

We'll see, thus.

Reality Check.
Current Read : The Book of Five Rings by Miyamoto Musashi

Reality will always be Harsh, and thats exatcly why its called Reality. Its edges can at times, oddly prod through not the front, but the rear too. Nothing's really Odd now when the concept finally touches down on my silly head. I thank God for what wonderful individuals i've met that have played major roles on creating who i am, or at least who i appear to be, and how my thoughts take their shapes. Thank you, friends. Thank you really. I've been vacationing in between Reality and my complacent Fantasy for far longer than i should have.

And now i'm paying the price.

* Draws the old persona *

.. Attempting to give a fuck..

The West, The Mighty Mighty West.
Current Read : Book of Five Rings by Miyamoto Musashi

UK's gonna award Knighthood to the apostate Salman Rushdie (May you you rot in the Abyss of hell, sucker !). Oh the West, the Mighty Mighty West. The Wisest of all among us - is probably the West-est of all. Oh please do correct me if i'm wrong, i'm just too conservatively East, i suppose.

Be it the fingers of the unborns, the children, the elders, victimized by the Arrogance of the West even, aren't adequate to count the West's crafted INjustice. Not once, neither it was twice, nor was it thrice, the West has come to the aid of those who loath Islam or at least under the pretense of loving it, like the faggot mentioned above. Oh i'm overly emotional am i ? I mean look at the struggling factions of the promised land, Palestine, how quickly was it the West has come to approve the newly formed Abu Mazen's (Mahmoud 'Faggot' Abbas) government, why ? Simply because they're moderate. Moderate my ass. Those Fatah punks are treacherous bastards who are willing to sacrifice anything for the mere illusional sense of power, and to make it merrier, they don't mind the existance of Israel. Ground will shake beneath your feets, you peasants. Bastardization at its best, i gladly present Fatah.

* Standing ovation *

I mean c'mon now, if you're like despise or scared of Islam so much, why dont you just say it out loud ? Make it clear and dont shred our hearts with your nobly put actions and put it under the guise of Humanity or Democracy or whatever flying fuckably flowery terms that you've come up with, when its all plain hatred. Hatred - i gotta reiterate.

* Insert one of those fingers on each hand up *

Fuck you.

Will You Look At Us ?
Current Read : Think & Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill

A glance at the Palestinian factions, i'm eking out of the thoughts on how the designated fight among Hamas & Fatah will leave no one but the West with the last laugh, and oh not forgetting the apes descendants in Tel Aviv too. Designated you say ? Yes. Indeed designated, to conceal the mere fact that Olmert is only able to convey INcapablities and oh, The Mightyly Important, erm, pardon me, Impotent, Bush thats clearly limping in his leading capacity.

And sure enough, the world's attention will now be shifted to the Gaza strip in the midst of daily slayings of the occupying soldiers in Iraq & Afghanistan.

Cant blame the World for having such lack of attention span now can we ?

Paradoxical 9'
Current Listen : N/A

The night's windy & tranquilising, tho its colour doesnt justify such beauty..
The night's Dark & Black and you're the only colour that paints contrastingly..
I was anxious, but was too drained of Curse to give a Damn !
Wrestled my Fear and pushed my feet against the fuel pedal & here i am..

In the vicinity of which my heart lays on, the very place that defines -
My every Dreams and my Incubus.. The very heart of Section Nine.

Our Exchanging of words are slides that put my emotions in motions
You're both Antagonist & Protagonist, 2 legged Paradox, a Walking Contradiction.
The Agony of my Bliss, the Joy of my Pain.
And IF, I, dont make any significance 4 U, just let I reside in Va_n.

" Smile For Me.. "
Current Listen : Tupac Shakur Feat. Scarface - Smile.mp3
" Gon' have some stuff that you're gonna see thats gonna make it hard to smile.. "

Tupac's Sorrowful Back

Old cache of memories revisited. I miss Tupac all of a sudden. Here's one of my favourite Tupac's piece :

The Rose that Grew from Concrete

Did you hear about the rose that grew from a crack in the concrete?
Proving nature's law is wrong it learned to walk without having feet.
Funny it seems,
but by keeping it's dreams,
it learned to breathe fresh air.
Long live the rose that grew from concrete when no one else ever cared.

Laters.

The Haunted Corners of Familiar Rooms IV.
Current Listen : Voices in my head.

First off, i fuckin loath laptops. So babi, hence.

I'm Numb. My eyes lowered thru the batterings of Life.
Sanity check, i start counting my fingers, each hand, still five.
Battered with One feeling while splattered with different pains
Back in the back of my mind, where the old Raizzen still reign
Seems that this is the last of my shelter, i pray not that it falter
Wars in my head prolonged, each time new Warlord claims that he's better

My concious fades in the light of swords, hands and fist.
And Fuck it, takes a Nobody, only a Nobody'd understand this.

Me at my worst, i was never a quick thinker, therefore the 5-10 minutes piece is like whatever (tho' yea i admit that a couple of concepts have been lingering in my mind fer sometimes). Therefore, whatever. Today was Hectic, exhausting, dumbfounding, pocket crunching and so on and so on, sighs i'm brokeeeeeeee.

Been doing welfare fer my company like a lot and i'm almost mampus and i've vowed not to mintak duit from my parents anymore therefore, this is me. Fulfilling my vow. Sighs. Further further further tensi like hell with works and these kids attitude. Guess after all i'm the one whos childish..

Can i dial 1800-fuckin-help-me-100 ? I need an audient !

Have i forgotten how to spit my rage in between the lines, on a scroll back, this aint really what i'm feeling but on 2nd thoughts, ermm whatever.

The Haunted Corner of Familiar Rooms III.
Current Listen : Tupac Shakur - Unconditional Love.mp3

Was flipping through the pages of an old book and stumbled upon a familiar handwriting. Mine. It was last year's. A personal vow, one that was crafted while i was dreadfully floating in between Reality & FanEcstasy. The resounding sound that tags along with the pronounciation of the name. Her name. Not the best of memory but definitely the best memorized. One of the most painful journey i've had.

" Every man falls, but how do u exploit the fall into a powerful bounce to the top is all that matters " - I, Drowning in my own tears. (10.33 PM, 25 April 2006)

How long has it been ? More than a year ? Looking back, i can now smile at the kid i was, and pretty much still am. The rash, foolish me. I'd overlook shits after shits should it was her. How's she doing ? What's she doing now ? Foolishness.

Despites, i moved on, not that i pick the pieces of myself up together, no, its not that, its just that was forced to sprint along the fast paced life of ours. I was forced to give up, to forget etc. Am glad i didnt stay in Solitary..

* We'll be back after the commercials.. *

Gloomy Sunday.
Current Listen : Keith Urban - You'll Think of Me.mp3
Sighs..Sighs..Sighs..

-X-

Space INtended for a piccie, but Photobucket is

like damn Pukimak dari semalam lagi.

Woke up this morning, all alone in the house. Oh, the quiet life, quite nice i must say. Half eaten Big Mac from last night's pathetic lone dinner fer breakfast. Simplicity. The rain was falling not too heavy and not too light fer my liking. Fantastic. Solitary is a thing of beauty, ermm yea, but not all the time.

On the other hand, am pretty depressed of self limitting believes that i've imposed upon myself, believes of i cant do this and that. Its depressing. Twenty something years of self-imposed stupid believes and an induitably contributory helping hands from social conditioning, are now taking their tolls. And heavy ones at that. The outgoing me, the outspoken me, the adventerous me the etc. me are struggling to get out of the shell that i have created out for myself just in case i need to avoid the Reality in the past, the shell that shelters the Shy, Drawn back, Negative etc me.

In pursuit of the fullest, voids are common is what i've said to a friend, and i'd like to believe that at the end of the tunnel, there awaits an exciting, gutsy, not seeking approval brand new me. And i'd like to believe that these are just mere sharpnels of an explossive self that's about to appear. Hell, if thats the case, then its all worth it.

You.
Schweet Distraction From The Reality That Bites.
Current Listen : Gwen Stefani - The Sweet Escape.mp3

You.

A strong front in presence of Agony & burst of laughters when u actually suffer.
For the smiles of ones u hold dear, pain over pleasure is what u'd prefer.
Far too strong to be protected, proven agile to be stopped.
Still, the reach of my arms are an open shelter, just in case u drop.

Thus..

Behold ! A phrase that weighs the relevance of a century or 2..
Fuck J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S & T. I.. wanna be with U !
Funny how the mere distance of a few words swap into a meaning.
Hillarity, when a couple of bond letters can shape my every feelings.

You're not my Everything, No ! - Cause you're my World..
My assurance, my hindrance, my best, my worst, my girl.

How's it going, Pal ?

Langkawi Trip Part II : An Island's Altered Ego.

Langkawi, Defaced & Vulnerable.
Current Listen : Jamrud - Pelangi Dimatamu.mp3

Soothing Greenaries. Damn, am such a Nature lover aint I ?

Oh how fake.

Hi, my name was Horrible !

Barriers are lame excuses for Mortals. Non existant.

She's lookin' Majestic, aint She ?

Ahh.. Finally got to catch ya, fast creature.

No piccie until 45 degrees positioning.

" He's Shady, I dont trust him ! "

The Tepi Laut Seats By Our Motel. Niceness.

Most of the piccies were taken from the hands of their owner, err i mean taken in my first day of arrival. While the suckers were intimately attached to the Motel's bedsheets. I chose to walk the Windy paths of the Unknown just to find myself in the arms of Langkawi, her alter ego, to be exact. Shes neither the Pradas nor Fendis nor does she is a Remy Martin. Shes of Natural Beauty, a rarely sighted personna though, i will have to remind you. Rarity.

Langkawi Trip Part I : Definition of Ad-Hoc
Ad-Hogged.
Current Listen : N/A

Was a very nice trip INdeed. Me and Mak was having a discussion on cheap (?) AirAsia flight ticks on our way back home from werk and boom ! "Lets go to Langkawi ! "

The Suckers At Their Suckest. lol.

Me & Mak, we form a nice team. We melt my pops attempted Resistance, we make allies with Yan, and hence, all obstacles cleared. The Quagmire lost its Significance in the presence of us.

The Rocky Bitch.

Now the only thing thats left to clear is the transportation method. This is vital, make or break, it either we get to borrow our cuz's car or we're not going at all. And the ever so nice cuz of us, lend us her Mighty Toyota Unser. We owe you one. Off we shoot to Kuala Perlis.

" ..And Nobody Would Understand This "
Current Listen : My Chemical Romance - I Don't Love You.mp3

I walk in pain. Pain walks besides me. I bleed. I bleed profusely. I've tried to walk in the shoes of Campassion & Love yet i found out that my feets fit best with the sneakers of Hatred.

Humans are in such constant frustration because we crave for Perfection. Crave it enough to pursue it with all our might, blood, sweat and every ounce of scarcity of our Life. Guess what ? No such thing as Perfection, with the exception of God.

But does that means we need to halt the pursuit ? Go ahead, but no, not me. If constant pain is what it takes for me to be as close as i can to Perfection, and so - Be it.

Consequences is eating me alive. Aftermath is throbbing my flesh. I'll hang in there till the very dust of my bones is one with the soil.

A Scary Place They Call - Human Minds
So many what if's : Am scared.
Current Listen : My Chemical Romance - I Don't Love You.mp3

What if this is all but Reality, am scared of what'll be found at the end of the tunnel.
What if the journey with a cause is actually a cause to a horrendous fumble.

I glance at Joe, while peering at the 3 winged chirps.
Refusing to make visible his smiles, he pretends rubbing dirts.
The chirping trio, entirely oblivious of their sorrounding -
Playfully whistle & wrestle, unaware of any potential gruesome findings.

A moment halted, his fingers hesitated at the tip of the trigger.
The heartily beats race with the speed of wets behind his ears.
To split basic Humanity & social conditioning in split seconds.
His hands trembeling, result of a lengthy war in his head, i reckon.

And i tried to reside INvisible, yet am drawn to the very core.
Life's a Bitch and now am forced to deal with this Whore ?
" C'mon now " i yelled at my heart's content. But in a mute tone.
" Puke the metal slug or i'll be forced to do what i wont ! "

I cant recall the first, but this might be our final friendly trip.
Hesitation is attributed to the shallows and am far too deep.
A thunderous sound & a smoking barrel, ironically - a teary " Goodbye, peep "
Instead of 3, i left the 4th victim drowning in his own crimson drips.

" Saya Sebuah Blog "
"I love my country, only do i hate the slobs who lead it to - Astray"

Rainy day has never fail to associate me with sorrows & loneliness

Saya dilahirkan di sebuah minda yang tidak mahu dipenjara. Oh, puitis sungguh. Saya berumur, ermm, biar saya kira.. satu, dua, ah sape pedulik. Tuan saya seorang yang penyayang lagi berkaki lebar, err maksud saya, berkaliber. Kami gemar menghabiskan masa lapang kami dengan menonton Cerekarama dan juga termenung di tasik-tasik sambil mencari ilham untuk meng-pinpoint dunia. Tuan saya mempunyai suatu persepsi yang sangat berbeza tentang dunia, sekurang-kurangnya saya fikir begitu.

Setelah hampir xx tahun kami bersama, saya mulai terasa perubahan-perubahan terhadap layanan yang saya terima, kami tidak lagi makan semeja seperti dulu-dulu. Malahan adakalanya beliau juga bertindak kejam dengan meniggikan suara beliau terhadap saya.

Raizzen's Note of Oblivious :

I cant proceed, the more i do, the more the seeming puke would seem inevitable. Its just that i've just suddenly stumbled upon the cluster of my primary school memories, in which, this nature of writing is my favourite and my advantage.. or so i would like to think. Notice how the end of this type of composition will typically be the demise of the narrator. How childish, LOL.

Oh, reminiscence is schweet.

Stagnate Motions.
Current Listen : Blackstreet - In A Rush.mp3

Am afraid of motions. I stay in motion while wishing that time is stagnate. I wish that the hands of time are stagnate so that i can sort things out while not having to move on. Its so painful having to move along while the weight of my shouldered burdens is a company in the windy path. Am so afraid of motion that i dare stop not any movements, i dare not struggle. Paranoid of the fragility of every motion. And so i was and still am there, being the faihful spactator of the whole event while my hands shaking on temptations to stop the ruckus, and unfortunately i forgot how to spell..

GUTS.

So here i am - feeling Dread-fooled.

The end ? Trust me, i hope not.

Beautifyingly Stupifying.
Current Listen : The Cranberries - Ode To My Family.mp3
Ice creams are natural beauty, but stupifying. They cost you your tooth !

Beautifyingly Stupifying.

Beautifyingly Stupifying v 2.0

Beautifyingly Stupifying v 3.0

The peoples. Ones i care about & the otherwise.

The oblivious teens making out. Sheeshhh.

The totally oblivious.

I luved words, their meanings, their potential interpretations by individuals i met along the windy ways. In very much ways, words are tools of experiment. Words are essential part of my dull life. But since a picture tells a thousand words, i think i've said more than i should.

Enjoy !

Raizzen

The Standars 3.0
Current Listen : N/A
Fuck off !

Know what ? I just feel like cussing, so here it is :

P . U . K . I . M . A . K

Nice ?

Was going to reformat the Hard disk that was lend to me by my nice cousin. But the Pukimakly haps chose to show itself now out of so many alternatives. The XP Installer corrupt like government firms. DVD burner - Crash & Burn. Validations seeked were temprorily given & permanently confiscated. Self worth elevates high and falls at the very constant rate it's raised.

At times like this, slumping my body upon a couch or something would be the thing i'd prefer to do.

My morale shatters & evaporates.

Drowns,

Raizzen

The Standards 2.0
Current Listen : Hinder - Better Than Me.mp3

Am at the very bottom of my feeling. I feel am not worthy of anything, anything at all. Am messed up.

Why am i in such a constant pain ? This must be God's way in getting back to the sinner i am. My eyelids - lowered. My shoulders - slumped. Who am i ? What am i seeking for ? What worth do i posesess in the eyes of the mass. I somehow felt like the answer lies out there, merely a grasp away, hence, i pressed on, but am still just clasping airs.

I want and am willing to supplicate in return but i found out that my pockets are always empty. So much wants, so much to live for & a handful to die for - but the Inadequacy prevails still.

Am prefusely bleeding while most is oblivious, and a handful others turn another cheek.

Breaking,

Raizzen

The Standards 1.0
Current Listen : None
Current Read : Confidential
Fucked.

Woke up this morning and feeling fucked up. An unanswered call, two (2) messed up attempts last night. Sighs. Am going to KL today, checking out the chicks. LOL

Low Yatt Plaza & chicks.. Do you think thats a good combination ? Hell yea, that is IF you're, let me spell it for you here, no, no, dont thank me, am just nice like that -

R E T A R D . get it ? Damn toodles.

The nicely Schweet,

Raizzen

The Feeling of A Mere Being, The Mere Being of A Feeling..
Deep ? Hell no, am just crappin'
Current Listen : The Fray - How To Save A Life.mp3

KLCC.. morning view, wet, fresh & vulnerable. I present it to you from the corridor of Seri Maya condo.

Got an invitation to a dinner at Mandarin Oriental, am pretty excited since it was ages ago have I stepped my foot on the nice floor of KLCC. Well plusses, the chicks will be a nice way to get rid off the dust from my eyes as well. Dont you think ? Shmuck.

This birthday might just be the best birthday i've ever had.

Celebrated my 23rd Birthday on 3rd of March ago. No special post to accompany, was too occupied; - with almost Nothing. The 23rd Birthday might just be the most special so far, a number of well wishes & a card. A 'belanja makan' by Boss. Niceness. Am not asking much out of life, and am greatful to have been celebrated the way i was around the magical date. Thank you all, thank you so much for being vital parts in the making of the 23rd version of my smart self.

Thanx.

Oddity At Odd Hours
Weird Stumble upons Part II

N ever once did i ever look at someone with the way you got my eyes set
O h man, how i fuckin hate the day i'll be forced to be used to forget
R easonings are the mere excuses to get my eargerness ampliefied
H ence, i create every possible reasons so my presence around u'd be justified
I bleed and drown in the sea of of crimson, unseen to most naked eyes
D ays're now numbered & my whole life's at the very disposal of a toss for a dice
A n angel you are, the one with a scythe, ironically, i felt lucky for a victim
Y ou inflicted not any slash, yet the scars are permanent, or so they seem..
A dreadful demon that's treated me with compassion, yet effortlessly whispers " i'll kill you "
H atred or Love, allow me a place within your heart, even a tiny dot will do..

Yet another laymee piece i wrote a few years (?) ago. Well a tad too wacky, weak & helpless if you ask me. Absolutely not the image i projected of myself within my superior sights. Just thought that i'd share it anyways. Serves as a point of reminder - of my Idiocy.

* Disclaimer : Edited 1 time in total

" Yea I Talk Shits, While Your Lips Keeps Bumpin' To Bums That Produce Them "
Fuck you, thus.

Current Listen : Fergie - Glamorous.mp3

Am feelin' fuckingly miserable. Shits, i feel unappreciated. I feel like shits. I feel i dont wanna fucking feel anything. Shits. Am frustrated. The wordly ways of expressing my fucking feelings now dont appeal to me very much. All i wanna do now is raise my index finger's neighbour that happens to be in the middle of all five fingers attached to my hand.

Babi.

I wanna cuss so much. I got my whole sanity at my disposal now, and no, i dont want help. Let me drown in this madness. I pray that no one will cross path with me while im in this fuck-up state.

I have, finally, come to a realization while i was havin my ass seated on the porcelain bowl just now that :

" A man without a scroll is a man with nothing " - My Smart Self

Quote me on that.

Its mostly true, though not applicable to everyone.

I used to be so fuckin' rational about this seniority thinggy, hell yea, i can be damn rational, i was a junior myself at that prickin' particular time. I used to be like " Hey, why the fuck that these dumarses are makin so much fuckin noise about their juniors overtakin' them, i'd acknowledge it, should it be me .. ". Now am paying the price of smirks that life has conjour upon my sorry ass. I knew that the day'd finally come when this boy will overtake me, what i didnt know though, was, i've never thought that it'd be so damn swift. Heh, talkin about the importance of education and - The Impotence - without it. Man, life smirks a lot. I mean a lot. What saddens me more is that i know am fully capable and am ways fuckin' better than most clerks do. Its no jea-lousy, i insist, but Hey, cant help but be frustrated. The presence of a mere being of human i am, shows on an apparent state - at times like this.

Education might appear pointless for a while, well let it go & no loss is bored upon no one, but us.

Odd Hours & Feelings
Weird stumble-upons, but Hey..
Current Listen : Nelly Furtado - Say It Right.mp3

Abondoned by the ones responsible for my existance in this world /
Forgotten the face of misery, but i recall the cynical smirks of survival /
Life's about ups & downs but i've only managed to view it from below /
Lightless nights are child's play, i've seen the darkest of sorrow /
Masses saw me as a form of insgnificance, so i seek proof of my existance /
Reducing to dusk their physicals and i pulverize their presence /
How cheap - lives to me, are merely carcasses with soul attached to them /
The world itself is an infperfection - a cycle of junked & patched System /
Im just playing my part in this cycle, getting rid of decomposing containers /
I victimized not the innocents, but too bad, the whole world's a sinner /
I've never been fascinated by bloody crime scenes, i prefer my victims clean /
Instead of cutting through their flesh, i strangled them with their intestines /
Nothing pleases me more than the look of terror written on their faces /
I found zenith on the abyss of agony - joy that i cant describe in phrase /
Mentally de-ranged, while on the outside i might be the one you're talking to /
"Sit tight honey, dont worry about dinner, your liver's more than enough for 2" /

* Stumbled upon the piece i wrote back about like a year or 2 ago, pretty weird piece, am even surprised this was a piece of mine. Purely fictional, toodles, im greatful for what beautiful parents i have.

Thoughtless Words
Am shallow
Current Listen : Steve Tyler Feat. Carlos Santana - All That I Am.mp3

The night's oddly calm, cold winds are making their way through the metal curtains of my bedroom windows. Tranquility ? Close, yea, but not exactly. A couple of stacking up assignments. Oh shit..

* Sudden phase-shift *

Respect that was once a thing i'd give, would now require earnings from people i deem fit. Fits the description of my Disgust. I mean people can be damn sneaky to the point of despicable.

I actually, am entirely cool. Hell, i dont even feel like Bloggin but hey i just did ! Oh, when the night feels fuckin' empty..

The Mourn-Day Sin-Drome
Current Listen : The Cranberries - Ode To My Family.mp3
Current Read : The Old Man And The Sea - By Hemmingway

Damn. Its Moan-day, felt crappily crapped. Left my celly at home, Oh how nice. Complementing the lazy-arse-ness & the idle time of mine at the office. Been feeling damn Unsorted these couple of days. Studies, Career, Interests, Plans etc, more etc & some more etcs.

These unsorted beings of multiple fuck-ups, they're good. I mean damn good, at reducing me to a jerk from a prick i was and still am. Shitty. I guess not being able to sleep properly due to the special night shifts that im trusted with, are one of the major triggers that dictate which middle finger i will, eventually, put up flying-fuckably, at the whole world. But i pray not that'd be the case. Prayed hard.

Gawd, its uneasy.