Before Everything

Let me photograph you in this light
In case it is the last time
That we might be exactly like we were
Before we realized

- Adele, When Were Young

This evokes so many emotions. 

To you. I know our separation could have been better handled and I am sorry that it ended the way it did. I wish you nothing but happiness.

I'm Sorry

To the friends, to the budding relationships that never was and to the people I have disappointed over the years. 

This one is for you. 

For those who know me well enough to smell a whiff of my deodorant (or the lack of it) you would know that I revere Friday. Friday evening to be exact. That feeling after you get off work before the weekend is simply - fantastic is understating it. I wanna cram everything in Friday. Time with friends and people you love hanging out with. Movies. Series. Problem is you only have so many hours in a day. That is why whenever I get the honor to set a meet up between friends Friday night will be my primary choice after Saturday's. I love dumping all fun activities on that few hours I have after clocking off on Friday.

But some of my friends, they are not bothered with the fact that tomorrow's a working day hanging on their conscience (OK conscience is apparently not really appropriate, but lets just stick with it for the theatrical effects, shall we ?). They are cool with it. And I've known some who only choose a weekday to lepak and that seriously ticks me off.

I never really knew why. But with the help of articles I found online. I now know that I am a recluse. Again, an overshoot - an introvert, to be exact. I've known to be social. I can be outgoing. I'd like to think that people love hanging out with me. So the all the boxes are checked. So why ? A recent article I found online reveals that between intro and extroverts, there are a few subcategories, and thereon comes the third of this - The Hybrid.

Hybrids are good at hiding their introversion. I mean they hang out with people and they like to do all the fun stuffs that extroverts love to do. But we also love the smell of our room and the warmth of our blankets.

That is why sometimes my friends found themselves in a really awkward situation when hanging out with me. I mean I was another person altogether having a smoke and a cup of Teh Tarik at mamak stalls but I was this anxious prick when they chose to hang out at the wrong time and when they wanna hang out at my place. Especially when they wanna hang out at my place. I get really uneasy when someone enters my domain. Yeah of course some of the stuffs I got here, you wouldn't show to your girlfriend's parents and all. But that's only the small part of it. Like when they stay in my room, try as hard as I could laughing and giggling but 90% of the time all I think of is when is this person gonna leave.

I know I sound like a prick. But believe me, its not you, its me. I don't not like you any less just because I am displaying these prickly behaviors. Its just that I get anxious and I dunno what to do.

Please forgive me.

I remember another instance. Few really nice chaps, taking me under their tutelage. I was really taking a liking to them. We only started hanging out for a few months then. And these are very successful people, not some MLM crackpots who drive Kancils and wanna lecture me about wealth (Sorry this isn't a slight to any of you Kancil drivers. I'm a proud owner of one). I learn a lot just by hanging out with them - they were adding some serious values to my life. But these guys, they lepak almost every Sunday night at TTDI to rub salt to the wounds. I was slowly dreading these meetings and eventually I stopped showing up altogether. I knew some of them were disappointed, pissed off and everything. I know. And they have every right to. But I just don't know how to explain my conditions to the others. 

Because of that I have some very weird, undefined type of friendships over the years. You lepak with these dudes like everyday at one point in your life and all of a sudden you fade into oblivion. These people whenever I see them, either dunno how to act or we act like we are just friends who have mutual friends.

It makes me sad a little bit.

I'm sorry guys. I know. I suck. And you have every right to ignore me. Be pissed about it. Its OK. Expressing what I feel is not one of my virtue. 

So I ran like a little girl.

Dear Mr. Van Gaal

Dear Mr. Van Gaal,

Hi. How are you doing ? I hope Manchester's balmy weather is treating you fine. I know this is just one of the hundreds and hundreds of letters you must have received on daily basis. But I want you to know that despite these onslaughts against you perpetrated by the medias, this fan from Malaysia have nothing but support for you. Its just quite sad that even some of our fans are buying into the medias bullying tactics. I think you're doing a mighty fine job and I hope you will stay your own man against all these odds and against all these naysayers saying how you should play so and so.

I know its tough to be your own man in the world increasingly demanding for conformity and I have nothing but the highest  respect for you for sticking to what you believe in.

Don't worry about some immature sections of the fans who would boo their own team. I'm sure those fans who went to away  matches in cold December night in Wolfsburg last night are right behind you, sir. The real fans. One of these days I would like to have an opportunity to support our team and breath in the legendary atmosphere of United's away matches myself.

United fan from Malaysia,

Fakhrol

Note: 

I want to send this letter to Mr. Van Gaal. And before I forgot the exact words of how I feel I think I should pin it somewhere. Yes, I am a master procrastinator. Hopefully I get to doing it first before my lazy by  nature nature caught me.

Note II: (before I forgot the address)

Mr. Louis Van Gaal
Manchester United Football Club Limited
Aon Training Complex
Birch Road off Isherwood Road
Carrington, Manchester M31 4BH

Himpunan Mana Maruah

This is a very smart post from one of these random posters off FB. What she said made me swim in seven seas of deep thoughts and contemplation.

9 Sultans.

1 Prime Minister

1 Deputy Prime Minister

And many more I just am too lazy to quote. So yeah.

9 Sultans.

1 Prime Minister

1 Deputy Prime Minister

All Malays.

So here's something she didn't say but I am.

If with all those positions of power and the Malays still require over protection and berhimpun sebab rasa maruah Melayu tercalar. Then the Malays are the most pussy of a race. The Malays need to take a long hard look at themselves. We are at where we are because we are what we are. 

Ah. Tapi aku letih. 

Assessment Time!

Everybody say Hi to Nico. She's a fat fat lard just like her owner!

I am not exactly giddy about the result. I skipped two workout sessions yesterday and the day before due to the strain caused by yoga (yes ladies and gentlemen I did yoga for the first time ever, more on that later), so that might have played a hand.

Just for recording's sake, I need to pin this down somewhere. 

Project: Atkins For A Week

Target: To reduce to at LEAST 67 kilogram

Duration: 7 days

Initial Weight: 72.8 kilogram

Result: 69 kilogram

Would you do it again in the future ? : I dunno

Was a success / failure : It pretty much feels like a failure.

Cause of success / failure : Lack of knowledge and proper planning on the dietary 

I might have unknowingly cheated my way through with all the tofus, burgers and hotdogs that I have been having this past one week due to my lack of knowledge of this dieting regime. So that too might have played a hand. I've grown to hate ayam bakar, its pretty funny this used to be one of my favourite thing in the world, chicken, yet you grow tired of it pretty quickly after having to basically force those white meat in your mouth with the support of plain water. Maybe the way I roast it. Coke Zero had been a huge friend in times of dire need. I finished two bottles of 1.5 L Coke Zero in a matter of 2 or 3 days. Hrm. What else.

Oh yes. Last but not least. I fucking hate every minute of it!

p/s: Now that I've finished rasa sayang pulak nak start consuming those treacherous carbs! Haih.

p/s/s: I hereby end the doomed Project Workout tag. A fucking unnecessary project that causes unnecessary stress. (read: failure to finish again. Story of someone else's life! :P)

Manchester United

I fear for my team. We the fans are so used to being successful we don't know how to react in times of losses. After all those years of mocking Liverpool fans about living in the past, United fans are turning exactly like them. The self-entitlements, the expectation that the team will compete at the very top year in year out.

We pride ourselves of our patience in dealing with players and managers, yet we are not willing to give two seasons to a world renowned manager like Van Gaal. I'm guilty of this as well I guess. His styles or 'philosophy' as he put it at most times are cringe worthy. Very hard to watch. But if I am a man who knows what I'm capable of and a genius at that. I would love to be left alone to do my thing. I believe Van Gaal will succeed given the time and patience that he deserves. (but hey who am I kidding right, I'm also the guy who supported Moyes through and through without much thought given apart from pure loyalty and that didn't end so well) 

I just hope that the United hierarchy has as much patience because the fans clearly don't.

Books

I wanna keep track of books I've read in a year. Well. More like flip-flip because the only regular reading time I got (or willing to allocate) is the five to 10 minutes I am in the toilet everyday. But of course when I am in the loo it isn't going to be a 10 minutes ride, usually it'll be fifteen to twenty due to the aforementioned habit.

So since I did not keep any tracks. I will recall and I think it'll be accurate since two to three pages per session isn't going to make me a fast reader but nonetheless I think I have finished four (wow four ?) books proper this year (of course some of them have been read commencing 2014)

1. Twenty Thousand League Under The Sea by Jules Verne

2. Bad Boy by Stephen Gray

3. Ocean At The End of Lane by Neil Gaiman

4. The Inheritance by Tilly Bagshawe

I've started Wilde's The Picture of Dorian Gray but had just now go and purchased John Greene's An Abundance of Katherines due to the expiring MYR 50.00 voucher gifted by Popular a few months back. I might jump straight into it and put Wilde's work on the back burner for a little for the time being. 

So hooray for a new tag!

30 Problems That Only Introverts Will Understand

We're all introverts/extroverts in one way or another. Which one is more prominent is the deciding factor. I fall under introverts category like a spaceship into black hole despite my chatty nature. Stranger things have fucking happened!

1. Practicing conversations with people you’ll never talk to.

2. When you want to cut all ties to civilization but still be on the internet.

3. When your friend wants to invite more people over, and you don’t want to sound like a bad person by saying no.

4. When spending a heavenly weekend alone means that you’re missing out on time with friends.

5. And you fear that by doing so, you are nearing ‘hermit’ status.

6. When your ride at a party doesn’t want to leave early, and no one seems to understand your distress.

7. Trying to be extra outgoing when you flirt so your crush doesn’t think you hate them.

8. That feeling of dread that washes over you when the phone rings and you’re not mentally prepared to chat (or whatsapp :S).

9. When you have an awesome night out, but have to deal with feeling exhausted for days after the fact.

10. People saying “Just be more social.” 

11. When you’re able to enjoy parties and meetings, but after a short amount of time wish you were home in your pajamas.

12. Staying up late every night because it’s the only time that you can actually be alone.

13. People making you feel weird for wanting to do things by yourself.

14. Having more conversations in your head than you do in real life.

15. The need to recharge after social situations. (My God . Bull's eye!)

16. People calling you out for day dreaming too much. 

17. Carrying a book to a public place so no one will bug you, but other people take that as a conversation starter. (latter part not so, nobody nudged me on my shoulder and say hey lets talk, much less hot girls in skinny jeans *sniffs sniffs*)

18. People interrupting your thoughts, and you get irrationally angry.

19. Having to say “I kind of want to spend some time by myself” when you have to deal with that friend that always wants to hang out. (the difference is I dunno how to say those things in Malay without sounding like a total jackass and so I went along and brood every minute of it! lol)

20. When you’re asked to do a group project, and know that you’re going to hate every minute of it.

21. When you hear the question “Wanna hang out?”, and your palms start to sweat with anxiety. (HAHAH me and Yan together!)

22. When you hear, “Are you OK?” or “Why are you so quiet?” for the umpteenth time.

23. Having visitors stay with you is a nightmare, because it means you have to be on at ALL TIMES.

24. When people stop inviting you places because you’re the one that keeps canceling plans.

25. Being horrified of small talk, but enjoying deep discussions.

26. When you need to take breaks and recharge after socializing for too long.

27. The requirement to think introspectively rather than go to someone else with your problems.

28. Not wanting to be alone, just wanting to be left alone. And people not understanding that.

29. When people mistake your thoughtful look for being shy, or worse, moody.

30. That people need to know that you aren’t mad, depressed or anti-social. You just need to not talk to anyone for a while. And that’s okay.

Not mine. But I can totally fucking relate. Here's the where.

Bibabibabibabibabiabi

Tuhan tolong lembutkan buntut dia. Agar dapat. 

Aku taktau kenapa lagu nie yang main dalam kepala otak aku sekarang. Tapi aku rasa panas hati gila babi sekarang nie. Sebab ? Mana ada sebab lain kalau aku meracau hapdet blog malam-malam minggu macam nie. Sebab MU la apa lagi.

Ada orang bagitau aku that you shouldn't stress out about things that you've got no control of. True enough, aku tak boleh buat apa-apa pun when it comes to United's results. But that doesn't help.

Aku still marah gila babi. And yang stress nya benda nie akan terbawak-bawak ke dua tiga hari kemudian. Kadang-kadang aku duduk sendiri aku tanya apa hal yang aku marah sangat dekat benda yang kekadang kecik gila macam bila ada something block parking moto aku ke apa. Lepas tu baru aku teringat yang rupanya kemarahan aku tu berpunca dua tiga hari sebelum. Sakit hati gila bai.

I think I need help.

Kalau macam nie rupa MU perform season nie jenuh aku asik nak mood swing macam nie. Adoi. Aku rasa macam nak jerit kat muka sesapa je sekarang nie.

Babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babi babiabab iabababaiababababaiababi

Kbai

Oh, that reminds me this is my first United post for the 2015/16 season. And its already pissing me the fuck off!

I have no fucking sympathy for old suits reeking of money
Who would like to speak of injustice while defining tyranny

You stood by and watch idly at the state of this country's infamy
And still you have the gall to ask for shoulders of empathy ?

Fuck you! For everything that you've received - you once gave
Water your cemetery flowers ? No you decrepit fuck, I spit on your grave!

Not sorry nor am I jubilant - merely a spectator with a bowl full of popcorn
Turn the volume up, lower your voice down because the show's full on.

Sakai

Pendapat saya tentang situasi TPM kita ?

Simple.

What you vote you get back. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

A Decade. An Era.

Current Listen: Nora - Di Persimpangan Dilemma (Oh, how befitting)

I'm writing this post in actuality at approximately 9.00 PM, 3rd of August 2014. Because I have such bad memories. To make sure that I should commemorate a decade of blogging, I'll have to schedule it.

From a greenhorn that I was. Can't believe that I can actually witness my growth throughout my never ending ramblings. 

From a kid who stumbled his way upon English through a keen interest in hip hop, I went through a phase of writing endless sheets of nursery rhymes. Where "skills" would surely end up with somebody getting "killed" towards the end of the line.

That. The above made me smile. Because as I wrote that, a wave of memories surge through my mind. I remember my Rhyme Book, inspired of course by none other than the revered Too Phat themselves. Then I remember a phase of my college life. One that I try so hard to put away. A bleep of a phase. One that seems more like a bad dream rather than real life experiences.

Why can't I remember much from the Montevest phase ? Perhaps its convenient. Perhaps its painful.

Then, to a phase where I found out that hip hop doesn't really like me. I had a dream where I would rock the mic on stage and people would love me for my words producing skills and flows. But that dream stuttered along with the fact I was and still am socially awkward.

Hence begin the poet phase where I would write countless pieces just so that I can incorporate wordplays in my lines. Despite my social awkwardness, I love women. I wish I could say that the feelings are mutual. But all that I can say is that only a good-hearted (lucky ? :P) handful should reciprocate. Thus, there were the pieces where I would dedicate a piece of my heart to them. 

I dunno what the future holds. What with the fact that I have, give or take, 360 more days to find out. Heck, I don't even know if I'm still gonna be around when the time finally comes to uncloak this particular entry. But I hope that when and if I do, I would be in a more comfortable place than I am right now. I miss her so much. 

Anonymous battles with faceless soldiers are raging inside my head for I cannot anchor my fleet of emotion in these torrents of uncertainties. I dunno what I am feeling.

But stories of my life.

Fakhrol, 9.00 PM, 3rd of August 2014

p/s: Hi, 31 year old Me!

Forever Within Numbered Days

I have so many movies I cannot tell you how many. I have so many of them I probably have some that I downloaded before I was born and haven't watched yet. I'm not exactly sure if I love movies or simply just the idea of it. Maybe downloading movies is my hobby after all.

None the matter.

So this morning after sahur, after last night's out - I innocently popped a movie to my plasma. It always help me sleep. Concentration. Be it books or this time around, movies.

Title of choosing could be anything really. After all I'm only trying to catch some sleep. After brushing aside all the cobwebs in drive H, I innocently double clicked The Fault In Our Stars a movie I downloaded about a year ago I think. 

Whoever the fuck penned this movie needs to be shot.

NEVER have I bawled so much waters from my droopy eyes. I cried so much you might think I had stepped on a Lego. 

Damnit Fakhrol you're such a girl!

But You Didn't

Borrowed off somewhere of course. Too beautifully tragic not to share.

Sesungguhnya

Sesungguhnya aku tidaklah mahu menyapu garam pada luka yang telah terbuka (rubbing salt to the wound kata orang Perancisnya). Dah la bulan-bulan puasa nie. Tapi aku masih teringat disuatu ketika dahulu ada puak-puak yang begitu gembira atas pelantikan Najib. Najib is a different animal altogether compared to Dolah who was rather timid. Different animal katanya. Kononnya Najib memang akan lanyak Anuar dan kaki-kaki oppositionnya cukup-cukup. Tup tup memang betul. Abis semua kena lanyak. Memang animal betul. Tak cukup dengan opposition machai-machai Amngok sekali dia lanyak. Ini baru betul without prejudice.

Wargh kargh kargh kargh kargh.

Tak cukup dengan GST, tol ngan minyak pun hangpa hadap la lepas nie. 

Impressive

Man faked his own death before proposing to his girlfriend. He said he wanted to show her how empty life would be without him.

Wow. Talk about stuck up.

Wouldn't be surprised if he has a selfie of his own privates.

The Deja Post

Its weird.

A combination of tobacco inhalation, a slide open window and a few songs brought about.

Here I am.

Almost a decade past.

And a realization.

That after all these years.

After all those tears.

I still amount to nothing.

Deja is still a bitch. 

I Refuse To Be Defeated

"I refuse to be defeated"

That was what popped up at the top of my head while busting my ass off on the elliptical machine during the third interval from the total of four of my workout today. That is 2/3 of May Week 2 target. One more to go and the set weekly target will have been achieved.

But I digress.

I felt somewhat amazed that such honest persistence would come from someone who would always pick the easy way out. Why I said honest persistence is because that was the most immediate thing that came to my mind during the usually most enduring part of the workout, the third interval. 

See, as I've written before, I always felt like crying during these workouts and you can imagine the face that I make during those times and you would have been wise to avoid walking in front of the carnage. For from my facial expression, you could be forgiven for thinking that I was mourning a lost continent to a natural disaster. 

This entry will sound quite forced for I am totally not in the mood to write but I just have to note this interesting finding.

So as I was saying, right at the very moment I feel sorry for myself, making sad faces and all. All of a sudden, I guess quite accidentally, because I was so drained, I made a smug face and lo! When I did, all of a sudden my mood changes from pitying myself to one of defiance, thus, "I refuse to be defeated!"

There are a few observations I wish to share from this experience but I guess that will be for another day, another entry.

For now suffice to say that I am so proud of you Fakhrol.

Journey

this image brings a frighteningly uncanny resemblance of myself right now

To start when you have stopped a while is always hard. Especially for someone like me. When I am invested in something there's practically nothing that can stop me from doing what I'm meant to do. But when I've stopped for a stint, that's when starting up is like dragging a hundred tonne cargo ship. 

Unlike running on the treadmill back then, these taxing workouts require me to rest at least for a day in between two workouts. Two days are ideal. I failed to meet up April's Week 4 and 5 targets. Thus, May is the month where I will cover the lost days, so I went 4 times in May Week 1, slashing the lost days to two. However, since 4 times feel somewhat taxing I took an initially planned 2 days rest which eventually ended up being 4 -_-"

It wasn't that I planned to skip them. I have in fact been readying my mental and to a degree, physical state to start only for other factors to catch up and eventually dragging me. One thing to note - or not to (since I knew this all along anyways) - is that procrastination will eventually lead me to skip the sessions altogether. What I need to do is just drop every fucking thing and get on the elliptical machine to avoid getting stuck on the computer screen and not able to enjoy it anyways, worrying and cursing my own weak mental state.

Sesungguhnya aku benci akan workout ini.

But its the shortest and the most effective route.

Progress, if I am honest, is basically none because for every step I took forward I leaped 5 backwards. After the trip to Penang I have not been careful with the stuffs I put inside my mouth.

Sniffs sniffs :(

All in all I am actually back to square one. In a careless moment I can still hear the sound of my own breathing. That means I am like super gemok right now and I hate it. But I have a good feeling about this one, here I am 2 months into my stop-start journey and I am still at it.

Sekian. Sebuah journal.

Lions Might Sleep Tonite But I Might Not

I've always been fascinated by Africa and its wilderness. Its animals, lions mostly just send me with shrills like a school girl watching some K Pop tards in person. I have always been wondering about the safari packages available. Tho I've never really thoroughly researched it. Guilty. Mostly because the fund simply isn't there yet.

But African deserts, like Paris are two destination one day I wish to visit.

Pix taken without owner's consent from BBM group FB. Hope he's OK with it. Well. If  he finds out. If. Ever.

And tell me if you don't get excited to be living and sleeping in a place like this where a mere flip of  the straw flooring might bring about endless and endless possibilities. I'm so giddy by the thought I feel like I can berak next week's shit right now.

:)

Tak tahan dugaan. Happy camper I am a such. 

Up next - The Batpod.

On Hold

Project Workout has to be put on hold for a bit coz I think I may have injured myself. If experience has taught me anything in the past, rushing things out, pushing yourself when you're supposed to let nature take its course and let it heal will almost always bring about negative consequences. 

Back then when I was chasing my 'ideal' weight I will always push through the pain, you thought you were being persistent when you're just being an idiot. It always ended up in a extended, prolonged duration of hiatus. Totally unnecessary if I would have just listened to what my body was telling me.

Today my body is telling me that there's a stabbing pain whenever I climb down the stairs (just weird its not climbing up), so I will listen to it. But not too long please.

Now I have to reshuffle my schedule to negotiate my way past this injury. Two more workout sessions pending in April Week 4.

Sighs. Rainy days. Lazy days. 

:)

After the super busy finals week where as mentioned in prior entry, high intensity workout is just too taxing, I went 4 days without working out. Hence, Project Workout was at risk of being another one of those in the long lines of projects to be labelled 'Work In Progress'.

I could be happy with myself alas, with just 3 days to spare to enter April's Week 4, I managed to meet the minimum target of at least working out 3 times in a calender week. 

Hence the Project Workout Schedule now looks a little bit more like a progress journal.

So now tonite am gonna stuff my tummy with stuffs I will probably regret 2-3 days from now.

Viva la Revolución!

After a couple of weeks of living like reclusive hobo battling last minutes assignments and a truckload of, semester worth of formulas in one night, I can finally see the rays of sun shining through my bedroom window again. I am finally ready to rejoin the human population.

So here's a few things I plan to do today:

1. Clean my room

2. Clean the hamsters' room

3. Workout

4. Assemble some Gundam backlog

But.

I will probably do none of those things and instead, will sit on my ass daydreaming about stuffs and toys I wanna buy next but will probably end up buying tomorrow. And I will probably plan about planning things I wanna plan next.

Viva la Revolución!

PKR Dungu

Heheh. Am still up because tomorrow there's a paper called Banking Operation which basically is just non stop tirades about banking activities in Malaysia from the fixed depo sampai la MIDF. Just to belagak and show off terms I just come to know after 3 to 4 months worth of semester :D

I've covered pretty much 3.5 - 4 past year paper. So now am feeling all confident. Bajet boleh lepas. In Sha Allah. Will cover a little bit more I guess but now my tummy is drumming war songs and I think Megi would be the most viable source of energy but I have been quite strict with my nocturnal diet of late, limiting mouth exercises to only one fruit worth of carb per night. Malam ni langgar habis dah sebab Mak masak dalca kari terbaik dari ladang. But I figure its OK since I'll be up until late. Who knew when you're 'up until late' you get into another cycle of hungriness.

Btw the title of the post is totally unrelated. Anyway I have been seething against PKR for quite some time now but lately I think they're getting dumber and dumber. Kalau dah bodoh. Research results dengan personal opinion pun tak boleh nak beza. Heheh.

Ingat nak reply je tadi but since I have promised myself to stop these petty campaigns against the tak-boleh-diselamatkan I'll just post it in my blog then. My personal blog. My personal opinion.

Earth To Fakhrol

This here is another vicious cycle of lazi-ass-ness. 

I have been too preoccupied with the preparations of my examinations. Therefore, high intensity workout just will not do since it taxes too much of energy for me to even stay awake during the burning of the midnight oil. I am fucking tired. Even now I can still feel the weariness, residue of mentally and physically going all out. Alas, the fate of last minute study warriors. A spent force. But you still have to keep going.

I NEED to do it today and tomorrow if I were to follow my meticulously-lah-sangat planned workout schedule.

But as always. I hate it. I dread every fucking minute of it.

But the Positive Fakhrol keeps reminding me that I can edit this post after.

I guess that helps a little bit. Knowing that you can journalize the experience. Both the resenting of the workout and the feeling of doing it anyway. 

I'll see you in 30 minutes time. Or another 3 years, if procrastination got in the way.

Go go Last Minute Study Warrior!

Talking To Myself

Me: God I hate working out. 

This is the exact fear that I had before restarting with this high intensity training. I know that the first few weeks I will be doing fine and it will all look up and maybe I will even entertain the thoughts of me being consistent with a workout regime. 

Three weeks into the (basically) new fitness regime. 

The same thing. This familiar, dreadful feeling. 

First I put it off, dari lepas balik office ke lepas maghrib. Now its 9.13 PM and I still haven't started anything yet. 

I hate it I hate I hate it.

Fakhrol Yang Positif : OK, as a bonus. I'll let you edit this post when you're done with the workout. 

Me: Why would I want that ? Pfft

Edit: Whoever the fuck said that its gonna get easier with every workout is a damn fucking liar. I did it. 20 minutes of hellish hell. If people see me they're going to think that my shirt was soaked in sweat when its actually made of 95.6% unadulterated tears. - MFA

Save Moi

Gosh I really need to curb down my spending on these 'hobby' craps. Every time I see a Tamiya or a Gundam ad I have this uncontrollable urge to click click click. But I just.....

Its one of those things you've had to hold yourself from when you were a kid. You want this and you want that and you can never really have it because it was not financially prudent for your family to trade a plate of nasik goreng so that you can have an Ultraman figure, so to speak. My family's not exactly 'poor' poor but we aren't rich either. My father used to drive a cab back then aside from his post office job (yeah, I never knew what he really did in his younger days in Pejabat POS, when I asked he said he never was a postman but rather he delivers letters by vans, but lets just keep that part for another day) and my mom worked as an information assistant at our old, beloved airport Terminal 1. I think its safe to say that we were the perfect example of a lower middle class family during those glorious booming Malaysian economics.

I remember one day I saw an Ultraman figure I think it was RM 6.00 or RM 12.00. So I never really get my way during those days and you've learnt to just accept that your family can never really afford it (or can they ? I guess I'll never know) so you just ask once and you're 99% sure its never going to be affirmative but you asked anyway. But where I went to school from my standard one to five in Kampung Tunku, PJ (1991-1995) the brats there were made of mostly upper mid to upper class income families and I've heard stories from my friends if they would have just stood their ground, eventually their parents would give in and buy them those toys they want, just to get them away from the toy shelves. And so I did. Not only that it didn't work, I was a little embarrassed that my father would scold me there and then. Adoi malunya. That was the first and last time I ever tried to pull those rich kids tactic. Tahi la. Dengan family aku tak jadi punya!

So when you're working and these things from your olden days, things you once had but was too stupid to hold on to and somehow damaged it beyond repair, things you totally had no idea what happen to. And most importantly things you MAY NEVER HAVE in your capacity as a kid back then. So when these things appear right before your eyes and you know, now, though not filthy rich, it is still within your financial capacity to get, mata jadi buntaq semua nampak semua nak. Homaigod its so not healthy. Yesterday I resolved to control my spending more and right after I bukak Instagram this bugger said in his ads "The last of the Hublot wristwatch stock. Lepas nie tak restock dah" and despite the years in you, you get influenced by these things. So despite my staunch resolution to curb down my spending to only planned stuffs and essentials. I went ahead and contacted the seller and bought the wristwatch. 

I whispered to myself "The last wants spending for the month" and bukak FB nampak orang jual Tamiya yang memang ada dalam mental wishlist. I straight away went and private messaged him. 

Though all these spending have got to do with my uncapped desires and wants, one of the truer reason I click click click at all these ads are the fear that they will forever disappear in the market hence I lost the chance to hold a piece of that beautiful childhood era forever. Wow that somehow came out pretty poetic.

To wrap, yeap I really need to curb down these spending sprees by:

1. Narrowing them down to planned purchases ONLY. Never settle. If the item is not reachable at the moment. Leave. Don't get a compensatory, slightly similar product just to console my buying urge because I'll end up getting what I originally want eventually. Sometimes paying bloated prices. Fuck!

2. Realize that these things, despite its ages, are available. ALWAYS. You just have to know where to look and the budget. By running rampant with my finance I blow away the money that could have been put aside for the original stuffs therefore I end up getting more secondary stuffs which are of course a welcome but not the wanted destination.

I guess break ups really bring out the nerd-ism in all of us. Gundams. Star Wars. Batman. Tamiya. And I wanna have all of 'em. 

Somebody save me.

Drifting

The extend of the boredom.

Bleh.

Hi. Hello. Am 31. Officially. The passing of being in the 20's to the 30's used to suck. But now am 31. And here's a perspective. In 9 years, I'll be in the same age as those Hollywood movie characters who dreads being 40 and looking back at life asking to himself "What the fuck have I done with my life ?" Its all a little bit cliche. But that's a perspective alrite. 

I'm drifting. And I know it. But I let it anyway. There's no boom. There's no bang. Life is just too quiet. Fuck, am getting old. And its a dreadful feeling. Not dreadful in a bad kind of way. Its just dreadfully boring. The highlight of my weeks now are United matches, and they are if I am honest, gawdawful.

I feel like the best of my years have gone passed and I didn't even know.

And its kinda sad.

/drifting

p/s: Happy birthday, Fakhrol. You darn beautiful thing you.

p/s/s: Oh hey look who's back. Its the Positve Me!

p/s/s/s: I must look like a lunatic now. Pulling a monologue like that. Thank God nobody's reading     -_-'

Babi I Ke Babi II

The first step is always the hardest.

The first step is acceptance.

The second is to embrace its facts.

What facts ?

The fact that United is so fucking piss poor and that Van Gaal is so stubbornly stupid or the fact that I have actually foreseen the better tactic from one touted as one of the biggest man in football planet ?

Yeah, its not that I did not try acceptance. But to accept is to relive the moments that could have gone to a very different conclusion if not for his fucking stupidity.

And that is why running away is always the best form of moving on for me.

For I am a vengeful mothereffer. It is really hard for me to just let go of my pent up anger while looking at the agitator in the eye.

A thousand Babi wouldn't relieve me from the strangulation of this anger. Maybe if I could vomit a thousand "Wei Babi I told you so!". Maybe that would do the trick. For now lets just avoid public areas i.e: Facebook and ESPN forums.

Oh the joy to be a United fan.

Mak..

"Ayah hang dulu time muda-muda, pakaikan helmet Mak siap tenung lama-lama lagi. Laa ni, kalau Mak gelak-gelak, dia siap pukui helmet ataih kepala Mak. Punggg!"

A recycled entry but ♥

Selamat Jalan

First that sharp pang on you heart.

Oh. He is no more.

Then.

The reality.

When it finally sinks in.

That you shall never ever see him again.

That is when the tears start streaming down your face.

Not even noticing the numb turning into sniffles.

Selamat jalan Tok Guru. Tho we may have never met. I feel like I've known you forever.

I am ashamed to write about you for I am but a sinner.

Selamat jalan...

I Don't Wish This To My Worst Enemy

If I could say so, I was once, sort of a staunch Anwar supporter. But after his theatricals and stupid antics. I start questioning whether or not he is the man for the job to lead a healthy opposition for Malaysia. And a developed country does not require a good opposition. They NEED it.

The negative connotation of the word 'Pembangkang' had left some good section of Malaysians naively making them the bad guys. There's no bad or good guys in politics. Or at least it shouldn't be. Both the government and opposition members are the elected members of the parliament who should be representing the rakyats for the rakyats. So whatever difference they have in the parliament - say I may not agree on A and he might not agree on B. But we both must agree that both A & B are conceived solely for the good of rakyat in mind.

But what happen in Malaysia ?

Political persecution isn't just unhealthy. It's selfish.

Kau marah aku sebab aku kata kau rasuah. Then buktikan la yang kau tak rasuah. Ini tak. Aku kata kau rasuah ko tangkap aku.

And before we go any further, we must also acknowledge that our opposition is far from perfect. They love to get into petty squabbles and cakap pakai mikrofon benda-benda yang boleh cakap kat telefon.

But for all their imperfection. They are OUR opposition. Even though bodoh & naive at times, I'd like to think that opposition works for the betterment of the rakyats. And what do these people dapat pun in return of their loud mouthed approach. Only scorns from the very people they are trying fight for.

Again. I don't intend to make our opposition sounds babyish, silky white with delicate wings on their backs. They're NOT.

But all the more reason to ponder my next point:

An honest government has got nothing to fear from such a shamble of an opposition. Kalau ko baik, ko tak payah risau pun tahi-tahi yang orang baling tu akan lekat dekat baju ko.

So why then, I ask - the political persecution ?

If we are targeting homos now, should we start sweeping just around KL ? Gays don't fucking hide nowadays. Some people doesn't have any qualms to mengaku dorang gay. But this guy, against all odds, after all denials. The charges still stick.

But. Ah lantak la. Am getting to the point.

Gambar kat atas ni sebenarnya point aku. Sorry I took like 538,000 words just to arrive to a single point. Gambar kat atas nie sebenarnya buat aku sangat sebak. Apa dosa wanita-wanita nie kita pisahkan depa dari bapak depa ? Isteri yang kehilangan suami. Anak-anak yang kehilangan bapak. Cucu yang kehilangan tokwan. 

And most importantly.. *sighs*

Seorang lelaki berumur yang kehilangan segalanya.

Apa jadah nak jadi dengan kita nie. And kalau kita redha dengan benda-benda macam nie.

Anwar had his faults. And aku makin meluat lepas Selangor MB punya fiasco. But.

NOBODY deserves this.

And orang kata kalau betul dia buat. Apa yang betulnya ? Kita bukan dakwa dia dekat mahkamah syariah. Mahkamah syariah requires saksi-saksi yang cukup syaratnya. And kalau orang tu tak mengaku sampai sudah, ada cara lain pulak.

Ni mahkamah manusia bos. Kalau pure syariah court yang hukum dia and he's found guilty then let him rot in jail for the entirety of his age. Tapi kalau mahkamah manusia nie, hearsay. Aku kata ko buat. Ko kata aku buat. And ada pulak orang ketiga yang kata "Hrm, OK memang ko salah"

Baiklah.

Panjangnya aku mengomel.

Takpelah. Mahkamah manusia ada. Mahkamah Tuhan lagi power. Kalaulah, ditakdirkan beliau tak buat seperti apa yang dituduh. Maka jawablah esok dengan yang Maha Kuasa. Air mata isteri, air mata anak-anak. Tangisan cucu. And mostly dosa-dosa orang yang terlibat secara tak langsung kalau mereka mengiyakan atau memadankan muka si yang teraniaya.

Tah la mungkin aku berat sebelah sebab political inclination aku. Tapi bukan ini caranya kita buat dekat orang. I don't wish for this to happen to my worst enemy.

Besok Kelas & Aku Rasa Nak Ponteng Lagi Post

50 tahun lebih dah merdeka. And we're still asking sapa lagi racist. Cina ke Melayu. Kalaulah Malaysia ni sebuah company, and aku seorang funder, I would say the management bottom-up semua fail. 50 tahun lebih aku dok pump duit untuk jadikan organisasi nie sebuah organisasi yang berjaya. But we fail at the MOST ELEMENTARY level of asking. Racial harmony 2-3 tahun nie had only worsen. I guess it's been there all along its just that Facebook makes it easier for everybody to unleash their racial demons with minimal to no concerns about reprimands. 

So tak payah nak start dengan bangunan, PTPTN mahupun universitas-universitas yang dibina oleh kerajaan tersebut. Sebab macam aku cakap tadi, kalau Malaysia nie sebuah organisasi - aku EXPECT the most basic thing macam education, health et cetera akan ada. Cuma bila dah dekat 50 tahun dia ada, aku akan expect progress, improvements et cetera.

Memang saya tak reti nak memerintah. Saya tak pernah kata pun saya pandai memerintah. Tapi politikus-politikus nie masuk bertanding dalam pilihanraya, pastilah mereka nie semua sangat well versed dalam hal memerintah ni, bukan ? So kalau David Moyes of Manchester United akan di judge dari segi performance team yang beliau pilih, so do our ministers right ? We should stop with the archaic tradition of blind loyalty towards the ones who walk within the corridors of power. Dorang manusia. Made of flesh and blood and just like us. And just like us, these people are not perfect. And jangan start dengan maksum. Aku rasa nak tergelak. Hahah.

I am but a keyboard warrior.

An armchair general.

But at the very least, couldn't I ask more for our people ?

My Guilty Pleasure

I should really stop this bad habit of arguing on the internet. Its so childish and petty its embarrassing. On top of that Facebook have this setting that might as well just yell out loud what colour of panties you're wearing (not that am wearing any, mind you). The setting which allows just about the whole world to fucking know what the fuck are you losing your mind over.

Case in point where there was this dumb orang puteh twat who apparently doesn't have the mental capacity to grasp the simple concept of sarcasm came and attack me on my own timeline. lol. I mean seriously dude what the fuck. Grow the fuck up. Well I was planning to share what the so called 'insult' was - but it makes me blush to even say it out loud. Lets just say that Aisyah, my niece could have insulted me better.

But more to the point, STOP ARGUING OVER THE INTERNET saiko!!! Because your FRIENDS know. Everybody DOES!!!!

And mostly because - and I quote "arguing over the internet is like paralympic, even if you win you're still retarded". 

Shit. That was unnecessarily mean but truth all the same.

But again, I'm only human and I like to live dangerously. Just like I'd like to resume my morning nap while the clock hits 7.45 a.m on weekdays, my blood just boils over these supposedly unnecessary gibberish.

So. My advise would be.

The Flipside

Verse 1: The current State

I laugh in the company of numbers
I cry in the rain in the dark, this numbness

I picked this road, I made the choice
I wrote this song, am gonna give it a voice

Prodigies are birthed outside the vicinity of sane
Truly beautiful rhythms are forged only with pain

Verse 2: The alter Ego

Things will look up again
For even heroes were at one point a villain.

Hence live.
Not leave.

For..

Prodigies are birthed outside the realm of sane
& truly beautiful rhythms are forged only with pain

Babi

For the past couple of days I'm filled with pent up energy, explainable anger. The littlest of things could send me flipping. Someone didn't put the wiper up back on my Kancil. I feel like turning the house upside down. The pissy stray cats peed on my sandal and on my bike's seat (albeit suspectedly) I feel like tearing all the furs from its skin and peel it alive.

The problem with me is I dunno what was the cause. 

I'm mad at everyone and everything and even I wasn't spared. I am pissed at myself at so many things that I didn't lost count. I lost me at I dunno where.

That was until I chanced upon an article at a Manchester United blog.

Now it all comes to me. In heavy blocks and icebergs. When it doesn't, its forty-deserts-drought but when it rains it fuckin' pours.

Now I fuckin' know why I am so angry. Fuckin' United.

What the fuck is Van Gaal doing losing a game we're supposed to win and not to mention is there for the taking. Fucking stop with the experiments already. I want fucking results.

God I should really hire a shrink so that I may scream at their faces and bite their heads off.

What Could Have Been

Whats this empty feeling ? Feels like a part of me was lost. I sat down staring at the computer screen. Long. Lost. I miss our time together. I missed the fights, the adventures and most importantly the wackiness. 

I guess I shall never have the same feeling again.

I got up at nights walking in and out of nightmares. Crying at what could have been.

I missed you.

Please do not click here..