Thanks

So many things I wished I could say to you.

I know I have disappointed you. I know that I have let my ego get the better of our relationship. But I hope despite these hostilities and boundaries, that I have left something positive. And I hope that I have made at least something a little better than before you have met me.

I know you made me a better person than I was before.

So many things I wish I could say to you but if I have to wrap them all up in a phrase..

Thank you.

Hurt

There's so many things I wish I could explain to you but I just don't know how. So many words I wanna say to you but I don't know which shall suffice.

But I have never intended for you to be pained. For you are my MOST cherished. My past. My Present. My One & Only.

I know I have caused you pain. But know this, NEVER have I intended for you to get hurt.

For I love you.

And I love you so much it fuckin' hurts.

Umrah Terakhir Kami

"Umrah terakhir bersama isteri tersayang sehari sebelum meninggal. Suasana ceria pagi tu tiada tanda2 yang saya akan di tinggalkan. Kami telah bertekat untuk membuat umrah tahun ni sebelum ke haji. Rupa2nya dia meninggal semasa umrah.

Saya yakin ini merupakan hadiah yang teristimewa untuk arwah kerana Allah telah memanggil untuk di kebumikan di tanah haram. Takdapat di bayangkan betapa terharunya perasaan ini dalam sekelip mata isteri tersayang sudah tiada. Mashallah tak dapat menahan airmata semasa sama2 dengan puluhan ribu jemaah masjidil haram menyembahyangkan arwah, saya memang terkenal dgn sikap tabah dan kental tapi rupa2nya tertewas dengan peristiwa tersebut, moga2 Allah memberi jannah kepada arwah.

Terasa terlalu sunyi perasaan ni, semangat terlalu rendah tertapi syukur anak2 ada di sisi utuk menampung kesedihan. Betapa kuasa Allah mengetasi segala2nya, diri yang sihat tiba2 dimatikan. Tiada terduga bagi hambanya bagi segala kesudahan, akhir kalam kita di mana dan bagaimana. Allah maha besar yang mempunyai kuasa menghidup dan mematikan.

Untuk arwah ini adalah khidmat terakhir saya walaupun dengan hati yang berat, berusha menguruskan pekebumian isteri tersayang, ya Allah hanya kau saja yang yahu betapa berat hati ini menanggung ujian ini, process mendapat pelepasan dari kedutaan malaysia merupakan ujian pertama kerana tiada surat sokongan yang lengkap tapi kuasa Allah mengatasi segalanya, beratus kali doa di baca meminta pertolongan Allah dan syukur semua pemasalahan di ringgankan, paling teruji ialah mendapat slot menyembahyang di masjidil haram, syukur segala rintangan yang getir dapat di atasi dengan pertolongan Allah.

Ya Allah hamba Mu bersyukur dapat bersama2 sembahyang jenazah bersama puluhan ribu kemaah.

Khidmat terakir diri ku untuk arwah dari menyusung jasat tersayang ke masjidil haram hinggalah mengangkat jenazah ke lahat, tak dapat menahan airmata dari berlinang namun aku kuatkan semanggat, terasa susah sanggat kali ini untuk mengekalkan semanggat yang hampir2 tiada, sungguh hairan betapa aku yang berjiwa keras ni jadi longlai dan terkapai2 meniti minit2 yang terlalu singkat.

Ya Allah kau tempatkan lah roh isteriku bersama para salihin dan ya Allah tenangkan hati ku dan anak2 berserta org2 yg sayangi beliau. Ya Allah cucurilah rahmat keayas arwah dan kami semua. Ya Allah kau kembalikan lah semanggat waja ku supaya aku dapat mengharungi sisa2 hidup ini. Amin"

Stumbled upon this heart shredding piece by the late Kak Nurul's husband. Its hard to contain these pearly beads from falling.

Fuck This SH

NEVER. In my 30 years of life have I felt quite like this. When I started watching United, Cantona was still plying his trade. That smug on his face. The spiked collar. The air of nonchalance and somewhat arrogant celebration of his. Those images, imprinted so strongly in my mind that the choice was easy. United is the team for me. In a time when there was no Astro, only highlights of games. Cantona's brilliance meant United is my one and only. That was during the 90's. The good old 90's when United really start to stamp their dominance in English football and long to continue.

I was born in an era of United's dominance, or more that I start following them during their successful first charges towards dominance. United that I know is practically an ark, so strong, so sturdy, so resilient so not willing to die without inflicting substantial damages first towards the opponents. 

Days like these are like an alien. These feelings are so alien to me right now.

---

There goes my Isnin. MU seri. Felt more like kalah. In all truthfulness, lebih baik la MU kalah. So that some people may finally open their eyes. So lost am I at words, sampai bila kepala aku terhantuk kat besen kat bilik air pun, aku rasa nak bertumbuk dengan besen tersebut.

United. Oh United. Never in my 30 years of 

---

I refused to edit what ever the fuck that I have typed for. Ah fuck this writing shit. Am done so fucking done. 

Melayu

The state this country is in. A 12 year old got hit on her head by a golf ball and all we could debate is the fact that she is not a citizen, thus the right for our hospital to refuse treatment for her. 

What ? Why ? How ? 

Saddened doesn't even to begin to describe how the fuckin fuck I feel right now. What happened to us, really what the fuckin fuck happened to us goddamnit ?

A 12 YEAR OLD! Dear God. Save us all from hellfire. 

The state that my race is in right now. We label our fellow human being 'Pak Itam' for being a little darker skinned than us. Macam la kita ni putih sangat. And we treat them like second class human being. As if we are somehow superior in some ways. As if our life is worth more than him in some monetary terms.

The state that my race is in right now. 

An incident witnessed first hand by an Indian friend of mine, a Pakistani guy approached a group of Malay dudes, selling fake leather goods. All of them took a belt each, paid him twenty ringgit, half the original price and they chased the Pakistani guy away. They said to him that the item is fake anyways and he isn't even legal. My good Samaritan friend approached the Pakistani guy and bought a fourty Ringgit wallet for 50 bucks. He refused to take it but my friend insisted and hope that it can erase any sort of grudge they got, if any, towards those guys. The Pakistani guy was overwhelmed. He sat down, said a prayer and cried.

Where does this unfounded superiority complex come from, one can only guess. Tell me when was the last time any Malays have done something that all of us Malaysians, Muslims and Nons alike, can be proud of to grant us such arrogance ?

That I Have Arrived

Its this sort of thing, finding something at the least expected time, at a lesser expected place. My heart was practically tugged seeing that which contains what which contains.

A step is just a step but this is to be the step in which all bridges burned, all second guesses turned. 

An obituary for second thoughts, set stationary are the epitaphs, the tombstone its final resting place.

I have looked forward to this day, yet I cannot say that I have arrived.

Sombre

Today as I was sitting at my workstation, taking off my jacket. The speaker blared an announcement,. Its our HR department.

"Dukacita dimaklumkan bahawa Puan Nurul Asyikin Shuib telah pun kembali ke rahmatullah semalam.."

My chest painful. 

My stomach feel like somebody just tangled all its contents into one big knot. 

It felt unreal.

The smiling Kak Nurul, those droopy eyes with the depth unfathomable as if they know what turbulence is running havoc in your mind right. I won't see that again. I was so distracted, until the voice of the girl manning the counter "Ye Encik, nak apa ?" shake me off my distraction. I had neither the cash nor any idea what did I want for breakfast, hence I left.

Jackasses

I woke up this morning to find my pillows wetted. I think I was crying a little bit last night. This is so painful. How could this have happened ? After all these times ? My eyes pudgy, blood shot, staying through the course of the night, reminiscing the good times. 

My friends, they care and are worried for me. They asked me how was I holding up and they let it be known that they are there if I should ever feel like talking things through with some going a stretch further than the others. And they didn't exactly make it subtle either. Constantly lingering, ever compassionately reminding me that BEING A UNITED FAN SUCKS NOW.

A club switching form ? Goddamn them.

Mera Nam Joker

Words cannot cannot describe how frustrated I am now. 

OK. Laters.

Serbis

What a jerkin' service. So minimal. Tukar minyak and asked "OK apa lagi ?".

Mental note. Not to go again. After all I went there only because of the free oil filter. Serves me right for my cheapskate ass.

OK. The entry's actually more of a reminder because the fucker who serviced my car was bent in getting me out of the shop as immediately as he can. Either he forgot to stick the 'next service' sticker or the level of service is so bad they don't even have the sticker to begin with. Either way I myself lupa, so again padan muka aku.

Kancilku sayang serviced at the 113th mile, more or less. 

Field of Dreams

Its hard to take, this. United's probably gonna lose at Stamford Bridge 5 minutes from now, the match is approaching. But win or lose, to the bitter ends.

Those Who Live By The Pen

Those who live by the pen die under the pain of cliches
Such's the price us Poets traded our souls to pay

In an attempt so futile to please, we instead irate
Longed to be understood yet we mislead so deliberate

In the lights so gay openly we brood
Haven't I said that we live to be misunderstood ?

Bewildering

"Don't hurt women for they are frail, weak creature. Please stay off my girlfriend. I love her so much"

WHAT ?

That came out unexpected.

Oh, hi, its nice to see you too. Grumbled I, albeit to myself. Regained my composure. My breath controlled and calculated while my mind hectic, trying to connect the dots that were so suddenly thrown in my path. 

Oh, that.

Still.

WHAT THE FUCK ?

Me ? Harassing somebody else's girlfriend ? Well, that's good to fucken' know. Oh, fuck you anyways. Then please tell your girlfriend to not breath so close down my neck, literally. And while you're at it a leash wouldn't sound inhumane too.

So stay off me snowflake, for I am THE Evil itself, reincarnated.

Tet tenenenenet!

I Refuse To Sink

Another home defeat for United. This time to Swansea. This is getting painful to watch. And tomorrow's Monday and its werk after a week off. How. Why. How the fuck do I start. I don't even know.

Edit:: 3.02 a.m on the clock. Still trying to make sense of this loss.

Some sections of United fans have been slating Moyes from the start of the season. What do I care, those plastics! For me, if you're gonna claim to be a die-hard, shamelessly grinning when the days were bright, you gotta learn to weather the storm too. If you're gonna start getting your panties up in a bunch when things don't go your way. Then you're unfit to call yourself a die-hard. Save that for fair weathers.

Problem is, I think even some of the loyal ones are starting to ask if Moyes is the right man for the job.

Your guess is as good as mine.

But my hunch, rather than certainty tells me he is. United fans have over the years grown spoiled, winning silverwares after another. They've grown to set unrealistic benchmark for their team. All due to the miracle in the form of one Alex Ferguson. Lets face it, he won the league with the likes of Cleverley, Anderson and Carrick as a central midfield line-up, a line-up that is mediocre at best. That's a tall order to ask from any manager, let alone somebody new. That's just Sir Alex for you. A man with the Midas Touch.

But.

He took well over 26 years to come to that level. Moyes hasn't even been in charge one season. He inherited, barring the likes of Persie and Rooney, a mediocre team at best. They may be Champions but I bet Pellegrini or Arsene Wenger would bleed their temples, scratching their heads having to field this team week in week out. That's just the magic that Sir Alex was.

I digressed.

Moyes, given the time, I believe will bring the much celebrated stability that United boasts over the years. But time is a luxury that most modern day managers and owners cannot afford. He will get it right eventually. Time, time, time is of the essence and I cannot cannot stress this enough.

I'm willing to go as far as to give him 3 trophy-less seasons, though hopeful of Champions League qualifications. Sit back, its going to be a really bumpy ride but I believe faith will take us far and reward us handsomely.

But till that time come, I'm still grievin. ={

Cut me up and I still bleed Red.

Damnit!

I confess to being at times, a little mellower than I'd like to admit. But tell me WHO THE FUCK CUTS HIS ONIONS AT THIS POINT OF TIME IN THE AFTERNOON ? Nobody!

Making my eyes tearing up and shit. Damnit!

Probably

This is what happens when its 4 something in the morning and your brain decides that counting sheeps is too mainstream a thing, and thinking (overthinking) is a 'thing'. Creative inflow of thoughts in neither sequential nor logical order. They just randomly appear one thing after the other.

So a cheesy collage maybe ? Why the heck not.

So in the collage above that was probably me, probably Island Hopping in probably an island somewhere probably in the Northern state of Malaysia. Probably with a new hat and probably a new pair of probably RED crocs. Ciplak of course.

Edit: Island hopping was probably nice. An island surrounded by salt water and in the middle of her belly a freshwater lake. Awesome brilliant! (me running out of adjectives) Taktau berenang ? Tak jadi masalah. At ten Ringgit, an overpriced life jacket can be rented out from the nearest peddler. So why the heck not ? Probably.

Edit's edit: Island Hopping consists of 3 activities in total. Pulau Dayang Bunting with the freshwater skinny dipping. Tengok and bagi makan Helang and lepaking at Pulau Beras Basah, FYI.

Two, one of my bestest pal is getting married today. My feelings are jumbled into a pile of mess, weepy substance, remnants of what's left of masculinity inside of me. Happy for him that he's found the one. Sad on the other that things may never be the same again. Probably, its just me. I'm a Melan Choly fucker like that.

Hafiz, congratulations on your wedding and good luck in your future undertakings. You're one of the most upstanding guy I have ever met and she is lucky to have landed you.

And one thing not many people may know about him is that he loves his grass to the point of trying to befriend them as can be seen from the picture below:

Either that or he was trying to cover up the fact that he was farting. Nice try Hafiz. Nice try.

..of Folders & Stuffs.

 

You have a folder in my heart.

The one I can't unclick when we're bytes apart.

Haq :)

Painful

There's so many things I wanna say right now. But truth is United just isn't playing how United should be. What hurts even more is to see your fans succumb to that defeatist attitude too. Yes it hurts, yes we're not used to these conditions. Back to back defeat at Old Trafford is just something quite unheard of in Sir Alex Ferguson's era. But isn't it our job as fans to lift our team when things are down ? Fuck you fair weather fans. You cheer wholeheartedly while things are going United way and you leave as soon things go down.

But I won't. I was there when things were good, am still here when things are down. And I will be there when things are looking up again. Trust me on that.

David Moyes is still the man for the job.

These. Are testing times.

Never Is A Long Time

I'll be realistic. 

I don't think United will win this coming Sunday's game against flavour of the week, Arsenal. Everybody talks about how silky smooth this team is. Well, it is true that they posses one the most entertaining midfield line up in the Premier League. Worthy of envy especially to someone like me who cringed at the lack of fluidity in the middle of the park for United.

BUT.

Wouldn't it be nice to smother their faces with their own words if United being United, unpredict-fucken-able and being the only team you write off at your own ignorant peril. If there's one thing these loudmouths should have learned watching United over the years, it is always too premature to count the eggs before they actually hatch.

"You NEVER win anything with kids"

Alan Hansen epitomized just how unpleasant the taste of your own words could be.

So sit back. 

United's got nothing to lose. Everybody's practically written us off. Even our own fans. So what do we have to lose ? Well yeah, bragging rights. But that simply means we should be able to play without chips on our shoulders. I just hope that Moyes will not resort to his usual 'safe' defensive style that I think has clearly been proven too risky.

Attack.

Offense is ALWAYS the best mode of defense. Especially with teams with mediocre midfield like United.

Sorrows

In this pain I writhe
With this wrath I breath

I did not found solitude
It found me. Vulnerable & nude.

Pissed at visibly everything
And angry at apparently nothing.

Storm passes, worse is what follows
Flood ceases, subplot to what's tomorrow

Go away.

Let me drown in my sorrows.

Lead Me Astray

Numbers are overrated. For I found more company in solitude.

Leave me alone.

At the bottom of these feelings.

Entrapped within the abyss of this unfathomable altitude.

Hence engulfed within Wrath of this magnitude.

A Day In My Life

Started the day working out. Workouts release dopamine that brings about happiness, supposedly. So I was whistling my way to the office. The weather couldn't be nicer. Rays of sunlight pierced through my polarized Zara shades. And my Alpine Bluetooth car stereo was blaring one of my favorite songs.

Niceness.

But just as I was stepping on the gas of my newly equipped turbo-charged Kancil to max pedal, simply because I like how it goes, the car right in front of me, in fact, lines of cars in front of me, came to a sudden halt. Many a times have I been told the current braking system that I'm employing just doesn't cut it to cater the new found power under the hood.

So the cars came to a sudden halt, and there I was braking and braking since my approximation estimates that I wouldn't make it in time to stop the car totally - hence I had to maneuver the car to the left, practically wobbling about all the while my front tyres were screaming and screeching so loudly that I bet people around must have thought there was already an accident or something. But thanks be to Allah that nothing happened. I was left to wonder alone and crooking a smile - from a seemingly anonymous feelings. Something in between embarrassment and being proud. Weird. But that's exactly how the crooked smile felt.

So I reached the office with nothing eventful after that. And yes, true to what they say, workouts do make you happy. Especially morning ones. So I was feeling hyper, practically greeting, hand-shaking, winking everybody that I met along the way. Settling long-pending outstandings and ticking off checklists. 

That was until the very moment I forwarded an email to Finance Department. An email I took almost 2 hours to craft. Dilly dallying between direct and subtle finger-pointing to Finance. Don't wanna piss these people off, but at the same time I'm tired of taking unnecessary fall for things I do not know about. The fault was Finance's. But the challenge was to craft that email so artfully that Finance will think that it was a compliment.

I spent almost 2 hours perfecting the correspondence, all in the good name of the unit and all in the name of resolving bullshits. To manage things so subtle, I tried my hardest not to piss anyone off in the process. And all I got in return from my immediate superior was the loudest yell of my name and a good, straight to the heart scolding. 

THANK YOU. But FUCK YOU.

With mouth so uninsured, you'd think that I have a heart made of steel. But no. Hell no. I take scoldings especially from my superiors like a sore loser. I hate being scolded. Because I'm special. And go fuck yourself if you can't live with that. I have NEVER been scolded EVER in my professional years and I will NEVER be ready for one.

I'm not the problem. YOU picking fights with practically everybody and feeling lousy about it later is symptom enough for this hypothesis. Hence stop trying to find a solution for the trouble that YOU are. Its like trying to locate an ant's anus from 93,000,000 miles away from the face of the earth. That's the sun's distance for you intellectually challenged chaps out there.

Sheep, lambs, goats but WHO's counting ?

This Is Making Me Sad..

My nephew posting a picture with spitting image of his late father. I wonder what he must feel. Does he miss his dad ? Does he wish at times he could talk to him ? About girls, about the many dreams he must have.. I wonder. Makes me teary, this.

I cannot cannot imagine the kind of pain one at such a tender age has to go through. Wanting to talk to that somebody. So badly. But you just can't.

Farhan mesti nak cerita dekat Ayah that he wishes to follow his footsteps. Suka main bola. Sangat-sangat. Farhan mesti rasa nak Ayah could hug him and just tell him that everything will be just fine.

All the things he wishes to say. All the father-son things they never get to do..

In Spite of Everything.

..regardless of things I say.

Like A Song

Current Listen: Lenka - Like A Song.mp3 

Sometimes I have this unexplainable, sudden stab of melancholics. My thoughts wondered towards you. Here's to my Proverbial Dominatrix: May we never have to feel like this again. The temporal stint of us being apart was one of the darkest moments of my life.

I can't forget you when you're gone
You're like a song that goes around in my head

And how I regret, it's been so long
Oh, what went wrong ? Could it be something I said ?

Time, make it go faster or just rewind
To back when I'm wrapped in your arms

All afternoon long it's with me the same song
You left a light on inside me, my love

I can remember the way that it felt to be
Holding on to you

I can't forget you when you're gone
You're like a song that goes around in my head

And how I regret, it's been so long
Oh what went wrong ? Could it be something I said ?

Time, make it go faster or just decide
To come back to my happy heart

HA-HAQ

Haq.

This. Am trying my best to sound poetic.

Before You, poets crash & burn with rate so frenatic

Poeticism is thus an attempt for the meek

For nothing nothing comes close to depict

The one and only, my Proverbial Dominatrix

Thousand miles away from what my heart held so close.

And THIS smile is what I want the most.

Paris, The Dream

Here's one good reason why I thought Paris is such a dreamy place..

Nothing good comes out of staying up past the normal hours. I heard Ted told his kids in How I Met Your Mother.

So here's a list of crazy things, well they are not necessarily crazy per se, just the impulsiveness of the thoughts, they make me think of well doing it right away. So here's a list of crazy things I thought I should do right away while forcing my eyelids not to shut. (I am EXHAUSTED yet I refuse to sleep for I am stingy with my times. Esp. late at night)

Say, withdraw whatever amount of money I have right now in my saving anywhere, Tabung Haji, Maybank whatever, and just go to England and hit any match, I mean any match that is currently being held in the Old Trafford. And I would ask / force / threaten Kurik to come and watch United with me regardless of how disgusted he is with United.

Or.

Just draw as much money as I can get and just backpack to Paris. Put on some winter coats and a scarf (the fashionable manly ones!) around my neck. A pair of cheap sunglasses to go then play tourist around the city and find hidden angles around the city that I can view THE Eiffel Tower from and shamelessly snap loads and loads of selfies that is backdropped by the majesty of the tower. The romance.

Or.

That I should quit my job right away and become a very successful miniature Star Wars figurine trader. I know how people love these stuffs. What I dunno and what I carefully chose not to know is how hard it is to make them or where will I get 'em. Fuck it. Not stopping me from dreaming anyways.

And really I really really need to sleep right now.

The Closest We Have Come In Contact With Aliens Yet

 

I have been receiving these annoying calls and texts that started up a little bit like this...

The phone rang. I answered and it was a lady. The first thing she asked was "Who's this ?"

I was pretty amused yet a little pissed, hence I retorted, initially planning to shoot off my mouth due to the audacity on her part but successfully toned down my reply to "You were the one who called me, I should be the one who asked you the question"

That was a week when I made a whole lot of inquiries regarding the online sales for a Plasma television set that I have been dreaming to set on the wall of my bedroom (and my living room when I move out of the house, but more on that later). So I suspected it was one of the seller. But later events unfolded prove it was none of my initial suspicions.

So the little drama ended just like that. And I thought that was the last I was gonna hear about it.

A few days later I received a couple of calls from the same digits. Annoyed I ignored most of them. And when it's become too rampant - too many calls and consecutive blank texts, I asked her "Who's this ?"

And her reply was even shorter or non existent. I have to admit having a stalker cum admirer do has its perks. Boosts my ego like no tomorrow.

But this is getting annoying. She called me again just now, and yet again due to my malas-ness nak angkat, I texted her, after ignoring the call. "WHO IS THIS ?"

What comes next really got on my nerve. She had the gall to tell me "Don't ask too many questions, just turn on your phone, you'll know"

I was like, firstly, the phone has always been on. Secondly who the fuck are you again ? So in my attempt to infuriate her, I asked her - AGAIN - WHO IS THIS ?

I could really use some ideas right now on how further infuriate it.

Yes. IT.

B&W

Sometimes I sit all alone in the evening and wonder how life would be if we only have Black & White.

Tootache

Lazy as hell but just have to post this. So that I'll remember. 

I dunno what's with me. Every year during Ramadhan. There will be a day I fall gravely ill, so to speak. Not fatal, Alhamdulillah. Rather, more about the state I was in. The gravely pain.

The pain was just... Unbearable is exaggerating it. But God.. There were times I feel like crushing my own jaw due to the pain. I was sleepless. 

Totally sleepless the night before. 

I had to run to the clinic at 4 in the morning and riding my bike in the process while the world felt like doing extra turns with every coming minute. Finally arrived and the doctor looked more interested in furthering his shut-eyes rather than his patient. Couldn't blame him really, its 4 friggin a.m! Though that little piece of rationality didn't stop me from feeling like shoving his face in, facially reconstructing it for him.

So yesterday was one of my annual 'gravely sick' day during Ramadhan. Seriously, it's become an affair per annum for I dunno how many consecutive years already.

Edit: Seriously, like seriously, I'm thinking of having a 'Annual Ramadhan Gravely Sick' label if I got sick again next year! (hopefully I would be able to see one, Insha Allah)

P/S: And in lieu of that thought, you just cannot but think about a deceased friend, a recently deceased one. Al-Fatihah. I hope you're doing fine out there, old friend. 

P/S/S: Sedih.

To Intrigue

I walk, in solitude and in solitary I walk. Soldiering personal battles. Battle hardened. But I tremble at the silhouette off the edge of the horizon. Mutiny. The wheels of emotion set in motion to betray which long have I barricaded in between cages of these ribs. Befuddled I was and lo! Shit this wasn't meant to be, for I have entered this war, hell bent to intrigue.

:)

There are certain people in your life you just can't hide anything from. They just know something is up. And you're left to chuckle at your own naivete for thinking you've done a hell of a tremendous job at covering your tracks and erasing your trace. This. You can't help but smile.

Thoughtsa Tweets

If I have loved you, then you wouldn't know.

..or something.

Raven. The Anthem.

I love rooting for the underdogs. That's why ravens fascinate me. 

They're considered evil, bringing bad luck, unwanted, pests and as if those are not good enough reason not be a crow, they are shot at at the behest of the humans. Whenever WE feel necessary. Cruel humans.

Arrogant humans.

Typical humans. Quick to point fingers to external factors but never looking inside to find the answers. Always the victim, never our fault.

But against such incredible odds, ravens survive and even thrive. Ravens are a living proof that you do not need to be celebrated to succeed in this life. Matter of fact is, your success, your glories are much sweeter when the whole world just lovesss to hate - YOU.

Raven. The Anthem.

Cryptic Thoughts

Something, both enigmatic and ambiguous. Bullets would pierce through your brain much easier. Cracking your head wide open decrypting, is more than an understatement, henceforth.

30th April 2008

For all the things I did not say. For all the things I did not mean to say. For all the things I won't be able to say. I hate you. Goddamnit I hate you but I love you buddy.

Here's me missing a friend.

Grieving

"Appreciate every mixtape your friends make,
You never know we come and go like on the interstate"

- Gym Class Heroes

Farewell Old Friend II

We were close at one point. Very close. But a patchy relationship ensues a few years back. But once in a while we still go lepak and enjoy a cup of coffee laughing at our days of being stupid together. And once in a while we still enjoy a smoke or two together. But I felt that he's grown too different to make the hanging out together more frequent. He must've felt that I changed too. But him being the annoyingly lovable idiot he was, the dude just kept pouring in harassing messages and calls. Of which I was ever indifferent about.

Until the very last night before his eternal departure, he was texting me. And I..

Dear God.

My eyes misted, all over again.

Farewell Old Friend

 

This morning a friend of mine passed away on his way to the office. He got involved in a car accident. And I just got back from his funeral. So many words to say but I'm just too overwhelmed with feelings right now.

Hence a teary goodbye and Al-Fatihah should suffice.

HAQ

I woke up this morning practically dragging my feet to work
Tried to conjure a fake smile and left a lot to be desired

I spent many a dreadful days & a thousand sleepless nights
I'm a Ying without a Yang. A left without its right.

Days blurred between each other as clocks tick but time froze
I need you, your smile hence your every being & I need them close.

Many things I am, being perfect was never my greatest virtue
But I've loved you with my every breath, that much I knew's true.

I'm arrogant, selfish, emotional and I start fights even when undue
But in between louds, in silence hence I retreat and there was only YOU.

I spent many a dreadful days & a thousand sleepless nights
I'm a Ying without a Yang. A left without its right.

Days have never been so gloomy, nights never so rough
Haq, I need you beside me. Goddamn I MISSED my Better Half.

Soul Searches

I have a severe problem of communicating how I feel at a needle-point accuracy, so to speak, verbally. I find solace under the shelter and might of the pen. I have always envied ones with a tongue so eloquent they manage to convey WHAT they want and WHEN they need to exactly in the right amount of words and just enough vocavulgarity (ies) without ever having to sidetrack to profanity.

Mak said I was probably slightly neglected during my earliest childhood. My sister was born when I was barely a year they said. But March 3, 1984 to November 11, 1985, I think that makes up about 1 year and 8 months ++. Still was there lack of attention that I have this problem of expressing myself ?

I have always felt somewhat short in the art of what my colleague would call the Taichi. The masterful art of deflecting hits and redirecting it to someone else first before finding out the facts and figures yourself, of which, by that particular time, the attention has winded down so much, it might as well had never happened.

Hence during my early years with my current employer, I always have to write down what and how I feel to make sense of things, I wrote down every last details of the affair. I had to dig and I had to dig deep. And lo,  it makes so much more sense when I write them down. I was able to dissect what and how I feel compared to just feeling enraged ALL THE FUCKEN TIME. 

Yes, rage. Very productive.

I had no idea how to solve things, therefore I break them. Its not that I discard the art of effective communication altogether, its just that by the time I do employ them, the tone will almost always be slightly higher than what's required to be effective. Thus, there's no such thing as anti climax ending to my confrontations. They always have to be either 'hideous' ugly or they never happened to have an ending.

Last but not least. Fruitful discussions and effective communications are all pretty, only you happened to be ugly. So pardon me not when I snap.

Pet Lion

Someday I wish to have a pet lion. Look at that serene expression. So wise and calm.

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Bangsaku... What have we become. The arrogance. The sort of arrogance that let us think we have a legitimate right to tell our "DLL" (Dan lain-lain) Malaysian counterparts, "Go home, if you don't like it here..", "Go back to China where you belong..". If history had taught us anything, its that, arrogance is the beginning of the fall of an empire.

What sort of birthright legitimacy we think we possess to chase away these perceived 2nd class citizens from their homes ? Their ancestors might have descended from Manchuria themselves, yet their children, much like us had called Malaysia their home ever since birth. Exactly like you and me. We have grown much too arrogant. Just because we are lucky to be born in the family of first generation Malays doesn't mean all that much when and if we were to see the world through their perspectives.

It could have been you and me.

But its them.

This sort of hair thin advantage had led us to think we have a divine right to strangle their rights, how ?

And I..

I.

505

"Apabila nasib yang Celik ditentukan oleh yang Buta"

The Grim Weeper

Following the post about the fugly fucker that imitated Jones' reaction during United's derby defeat. Here's my reply. Late, yes. But I savour my adversaries' defeat for a long long long time. I just found that out. Surprise surprise. I'm vengeful after all. So my apologies if I may have intentionally mislead you to think otherwise.

What ? Fucking what ?

We'll Remember

Don't worry. We'll remember this.

..ends at Never.

Loving you is a journey that starts with Forever and ends at Never.

Source: piccsy.com viaKatie on Pinterest

United - We Never Die

It was gonna happen. Sooner rather than later. United's run of games has been near flawless. Having watched United for years, I've come to be accustomed with sloppy runs and scrappy wins. A series of what unearthly fuckers haters would call, luck, but we'll get to that later. 

So as I was saying, having watched United for years, I've been so used to United last minute wins consisting of an endless 1-0 scoreline. Lucky calls. Fergie Association. Bla bla blah. Yada yada yada. This time, however, United have managed to pull wins, almost out of the hat even when playing like fucken shit 99% of the time. 

Perhaps I'd jinxed it. I was almost afraid because everything was going too well! And there it goes, my spidey sense had been true all along. The repeat of the 2010's exit from the Cup...

The ref just had to have the final say. The game was going so well and going in the direction of United. I almost couldn't believe my eyes as United wreaked havoc to a Real team fresh from inflicting 2 defeats in a row to the immaculate Barca, so to speak.

Just like it was in 2010, you can't help but feel robbed. Your team played so well against clear favourites, the ref just had to come and ruin it. I was bitter for a couple of days. But boy, am I proud. 

It will always be a question of "What if.." but there shall be no answer in that. The boys played their hearts out. Giggsy at 40 is just inhuman. How in the hell did he relive the heydays of his 20's and reverse the greys in his hair is anybody's guess. But they made me proud.

One of the most glaring flaw of United, one which is also the reason I hold United so dear to my heart is its ultra-attacking minded approach. Indoctrinated within the United genes, it dictates that they attack and attack even when down to 10 men with ruthlessness and vigor of a team who had burnt the bridges and would never go back. 

And for that I am proud, the bitterness gone. I now know that THE better team lost that night. 

That, if you aint too shallow minded to begin with, will answer why it was never really luck which has brought this fortune. It is simply the sheer hatred for losing and the never say die attitude.

United. We never die.

Padan Muka Kau

You know its hard to be graceful in the moment of glory. More so when the shit fuck faced opponents you beat is the disgrace of a shit club. A club of whom their fans talk like rights to glories is a divine right. Theirs. 

When in reality - or - if they're ever willing to get their heads out of the poop they get their heads so deep in. Theirs is a story inscribed in the pages of history textbooks. Ones students yawn upon just by a mere mention.

Yet, these pathetic scums will never shy away from reminding you that they're somehow the superior team. Always. Of course, this is a fact they will not admit out right. But what the fuck are you insinuating raising the 'five' sign whenever cornered ? 

And not to mention cornered due to the fact that you fail to keep your mouths shut in the moment of others' gloom. Spew craps all you want if you're top of the table. But when you're half way down there, don't bother talk shit because people will start to peep behind your doors wondering if your life is oh so perfect.

To me, and barring a few, Liverstool fans are.. Well doesn't matter.

I don't feel sorry for you. I won't. Whatever fucken shit you receive you deserve. So I wanna take this time out and wish the Liverstool fans, aside for a few exception to the rules - people around me - families, relatives and close friends who support Liverstool - Padan muka. 

With all those Howard Webb favouring United talks. He failed to produce Johnson with the second yellow for obstruction of a clear goal opportunity.

Ah malas aku nak pikir. Padan muka and fuck you. You deserve every inch of the humiliation because you fail to contain your mouths when it matters.

Hoyeah I'm happy. Beating you fair or not will always bring me a pleasure I will savour for days to come. And I simply want to rub this win on your face and I don't even want to bother sugarcoating it for your ears.

So hear it from me raw - Padan muka kau kalah. Tu la lengkali memekak lagi macam the chimpanzee that you are. Wargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh karg.

My First English Encounter

A guy in his mid 40's made a proposition to a female colleague, "I'll give you 200 bucks if you'd have sex with me. I'll be done as soon as I handed you the money."

The woman, repulsed by such outward profanity stomped off in disgust without any thoughts.

Back home, she told her boyfriend about the whole incident. And the boyfriend, bemused, decided to teach the pervert a lesson and play along. "Don't worry, how long do you think it'll take for him to hand over the 200 bucks ? You'll be done be even before your pants is off!"

The woman hesitated for a while and finally agreed, what better way to teach this pervert a lesson and make some quick bucks while at it. "There's no downside!" She thought.

So the next day, the boyfriend drops the woman in front of the office, winking, he told her to take the son of a bitch's money and make a run for it.

An hour later, the woman, looking dejected, finally comes out of the building. Her boyfriend asks "What happened ? What took you so long ?"

The woman retorted "THE BASTARD paid me in coins!"

Moral: Make sure you understand a business proposition before agreeing to it. 

Its not mine by the way. I remember I read it somewhere years ago. Dunno where. I remember it so well, well, of course, there's the sex them which isn't so hard to recall. Second its one of the first encounter with English. Meaning it was one of the first English joke I could laugh at. Which, OMG I'm shocked I have to even explain this - It means its one of the first joke out of half a million ones I read and understand. Ngerti ? Heheh.

Laters fucken' skaters.

"Football, Bloody Hell!"

Sakit perut betul la tengok MU main. We played like shit for a large part of the game. Of course scraping wins such as this, they say, is a mark of Champions. But have some empathy for the guys like us, the fans who wish we could have kicked the ball ourselves but had to settle with kicking airs instead, out of sheer frustration. 

Sir Alex's selection to guard our suspect midfield is befuddling to say the least. Our whole gameplay looked lethargic. Yes, the midfield issue has been an open secret whole season long, in fact, 2 or 3 seasons back. But starting Giggsy and Scholes has made Newcastle looked like Barcelona when we know what we needed is energy and penetration against one of the more physically built team in the PL.

Of course I'm gushing with happiness with the win but 1 or 2 more games such as this, I'll probably have to get that insurance package from Anna sooner than I thought. Damnit United! 

"Football, bloody hell!"

Katy Perry - The One That Got Away

I'm in one of those moods. Period kot.

You

I want that face.

That smile.

And I want them in their entirety. 

I want YOU.

Right here.

Right now.

Where you belong.

Home.

To US.

Fuck. I miss you SO.

edit: ..and with you I left my Better Half.

So Long Fatty Tho I Know It Was That Fateful Accident You Blame Everyday But Its NO ONE's Fault But YOURS Fatty!

If this isn't inspirational enough, then I dunno what is

Today's the FIRST day of my Projek Kur- well you know what, fuck all these naming conventions. Whenever ever my mind goes into hyperdrive and overdosing on mental masturbations, I come up with all sorts of names, all of whom were pretty much doomed to oblivion because of all these pre-planning which involves another, much bigger planning - which, If I'm honest here, at the end of the day amounted and dissipated into the abyss nothingness.

So to cut the crap short because I'm in dire need of my daily dosage of Futurama to cater my addiction and because my old hip insists on reminding me its age every chance it got. And not to fucken mention I hate typing with a laptop because my PC decided to ditch me in search of a better loving partner and I quote (my PC) - "I'm looking for a new adventure.."

Well good for you. Oh shit, I digress, its all the laptop's fault for reminding me how such a bitch her goddamned keyboard is with every 3 words I typed.

So yeah after long fucken overdue and sleepless nights I've embarked on a journey of NO fucken return in search of a land where Fakhrol is tall, languid and slim taf gila, tapi tak macam Awie!

40 minutes this morning. Another hour lepas Maghrib tadi. So long fatty! So if no else is proud of me, fuck yeah am proud of myself!

Liverstool = BIG Club = I Pissed LOLs

There will be no love spared for Liverstool in the event of their defeat. Why are these fucks even crying over spilled milk is beyond me. I mean right after you ran your big mouths too. And still stuck in the dimension where they are a reigning champions with 5 European titles under their belt.

But to put your club in the same breath as other big clubs. Now, that gotta be some high quality shit you're fucken smoking. Must be.

Savoury

God, I'm such a slow slow starter. I'm still savouring, and as a matter of fact, savouring it more and more with each passing day ever since that match. THAT win.

Source: Uploaded by user via Mohd Fakhrolruzi on Pinterest

Tevez proving the cunt he is.

The win has got all the flavours a United fan could ask for. Beating the fucklots at their home. Tevez coming in and was initially thought a saviour only to eventually concede a freekick that prove to be the decisive moment for the derby match.

Also him coming in and quickly getting into the thick of things and acting in a direct proportion with the ugly prick he is, as quickly; kicking Jones, getting involved in heated face-offs and running like a headless chicken, as if winning could come with brawns alone.

And most fucken importantly United being United, leaving it late, coming back from behind and in the process got.. Can I get a drum roll here please ?

CITY FANS THINKING THEY COULD'VE SOMEHOW WIN THIS!!!

Source: Uploaded by user via Mohd Fakhrolruzi on Pinterest

You thought that for second, didn't you ? Didn't you ? Muahahahahahaha.

Source: Uploaded by user via Mohd Fakhrolruzi on Pinterest

Almost had you didn't we ? Wargh kargh kargh kargh kargh kargh

That right there, the moment when you had them in the clouds, only to snatch it away soooo late the game. That is the juice. Platinum gold right there.

Stupid fucken Ciddeh fans thinking that they could, within the smelly feet distance, sniff an unprecedented win, peg us one back right under our noses - or to the least - a draw - and that was of course until Robin Van Perfect hit it home. Thanks to Ciddeh's pathetic chief antagonist-somehow-pathetically-turned-saviour, Lord Ugly Tevez tripped Rafael's leg just outside the penalty box and gave United a freekick deep into the injury time.

Source: Uploaded by user via Mohd Fakhrolruzi on Pinterest

Another classic example why its not hard to hate these fuckers. Ciddeh, producing degenerates since inception.

"If RvP was to be asked where would he prefer to take his spot kick from, that couldn't have been to far" was the commentator's remark prior RvP's goal. And so it was, in what was to be one of the sweetest victory over our noisy noisy neighbours. 

And of course, how could have I commit such travesty and omit this.

Ciddeh was unbeaten on the Etihad ground over 38 games prior to the match. Pretty impressive stuff, I initially thought to myself, until the commentator added "stretched over 2 years" - pooffffffffffff - what the fuck - that was so funny, I almost peed myself. A Ciddeh fan listening to that must've been wondering what did he do wrong to deserve such condescending under-mine. Wakakakakakak. Even a neutral commentator feels fitting to take a dig at Ciddeh - albeit accidentally on his part.

Source: Uploaded by user via Mohd Fakhrolruzi on Pinterest

A cunt fans getting into a tussle with the stewards and policemen. What better way to bent your frustration than to a totally unrelated parties, right ?

United. Demolishing Ciddeh's hope since 2010.

Muahahahahahahahahahahahah.

Biasa Ah Fakhrol

I can't sleep after my usual 15-minutes nap-went-awry and midnite Nescafe (after more Nescafe during the day, not to mention). So what else. You thought of some bullshit that leads to another prolific bullshitism. 

So in relation to the first quote that I think classy, I thought of something better, if we're in parallel universe per se;

Porn is temporary, keras is permanent

Wakakakakakakakakakakak

I really need to get some sleep. Like seriously. Like dead serious. Like right now. OK now I'm gonna go do that serious face in front of the mirror.

OK I lied. Off to watch the newly downloaded Manchester derby match again. Weeeeee

The City Is Ours!

Yeah fucken right the city is yours. Where are all those yapping mouths when the derby's done and dusted ? United bought them referees ? You were lucky daddy was there to save your arse from further embarrassment. One clear goal disallowed and a penalty waived off. We bought the ref ? Fuck you. 

"Form is temporary, class is permanent" 

United. For life.

Dawn of 2012

The dawn of 2012 has brought with it a couple of mishaps for me in the form of dislocated shoulder, ANOTHER accident and more recently (last night , actually) a swollen gum which in turn swelled my face and so bad I couldn't sleep all night long (just by thinking about it brings about the spoooooks :/ )

So yeah, 2012 hasn't been so nice to me. Oh well, have I been nice enough to warrant kindness from it is the question I should be answering. So thank you God, for your countless blessings.

Off to Taiping in a couple of minutes. Well, another fixture which brings about a mixture of feelings I couldn't grasp upon.

So laters  skaters!

She Is

Depressing

Well this is depressing. Baju keje dah ketat macam apa. I don't feel so good about myself no more. Problem is I lack the drive, the one thing that carried me through when my limbs have deserted me way way way back. I lack that old drive that's transformed the fat, insecure kid from the picture above to that still slightly insecure, albeit with a little less fat kid I was and perhaps still am - minus the kid part.

It also doesn't get helped by the fact that I pretty much can't use my left leg as I used to as much as I'd like to after that fateful bike accident almost a year ago, speaking of which, is just 10 days away from a year anniversary.

I don't like this state. I hate it in fact. Its just that its sooo frustrating to think that I can achieve all that I want just by hitting the treadmill and push my limit like its nobody's biznez as I always have when I hit that borderline picturisky (yep, picturisky, NOT picturesque) state. In fact its the only thing I know to do when faced with volcanic gastronomic explosion - when you ate everything and anything that smells like Ajinamoto and whatnot. 

And its frustrating to know that you perhaps won't be able to do any of those heavy, ground hitting cardio exercise that have been paving your ways to the road of self esteem or at least, something that looks like it. Trying other methods of exercise is frustrating due to the fact that it takes twice the effort with only half the result, second. But more than anything, it is the  fact that you're admitting that you're in a way handicapped - unable - helpless - call it what you may - its admitting defeat. Which in turn, turns you away from any sort of trying - which trust me, as frustrating as it may sound, would at least save me from feeling that long, eerie road of recovery might just be too long for you, in your current state. Simply put, to avoid from feeling disappointed by trying - I thus, resort not to try at all.

Which is still frustrating like fuck. I'm twisted. Don't remind me twice. I know.

Tanah Tumpah Darahku

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I thought I didn't care. But oh well.. =)

"I love my country, but I hate the government"

- Anonymous

Good Ole' Days..

Sometimes I find myself missing the good ole' days. Where shit was simple and everything were smiles. Even though I know that is all deceiving illusions, perpetrated by the technology of still pictures. But tell me I didn't look happy here; 

Source: Uploaded by user via Mohd Fakhrolruzi on Pinterest

or here;

Source: Uploaded by user via Mohd Fakhrolruzi on Pinterest

Well, that is all just part of growing up. Being in the current situation means I had evolved from that position to this position. Heck, even a mob boss finds himself in unenviable positions at times, yeah ? 

So raise the glass up for the growing ups and keep the albums tight for later times.

Jatuh. Bangun. Senyum. Masa untuk terbang...

Happy Birthday Sayang!

Remember in those dreams we share
In our darkest hours, we swear..

That we shall never forget the Where
Just because the From is so hard to bear

Nobody promised thee that it'll be easy
But thou smile with thy pain so evidently

In time and place where weakness is understandable;
How'd you draw such strength is nothing short of incredible =)

You are neither my joy, my pain nor my everything. Make no mistake
You're simply the joy of my pain & simply the every breath that I take

I love you not because of your sweet starts
But those fights to the bitter end is how you beat the hearts.

There I go again with this mouth-diarrhea
When all I wanted to say was a simple Happiest Birthday to ya!

Viva Palestina!

Israel Laknatullah carried out a siege on Gaza, by first killing Ahmed Jabari, the head of Hamas’ military wing. Allah be with you brave people of Gaza. Allah be with you ya Mujahideen. Within our prayers, always you will be my Muslim brethren. And a teary farewell to you Syahid Ahmed Jabari, Insyallah.

"O Allah, send floods and destroy them.

O Allah, send gale-force winds against the enemies

O Allah, shake the ground beneath their feet.

O Allah, cause their ships to sink

O Allah, cause their planes to crash.

O Allah, create division and disunity in their ranks.

O Allah, make them fight amongst themselves.

O Allah, fill their hearts with terror and fear.

O Allah, humiliate the enemies. Crush the enemies.

O Allah, destroy them like how You destroyed the ‘Aad and the Thamud.

O my beloved Allah, send Your angels and assist and help the mujahideen of Islam.

O Allah, give the stones which they throw, the power of atom bombs.

O Allah, wherever in the world the Muslim Ummah is suffering, come to our assistance.

O Allah, bombs are being rained upon innocent women, children and civilians.

O my Allah, homes are being bulldozed.

O Allah, aid the Mujahideen and our brothers and sisters in Palestine, in Afghanistan, in India, in Bosnia, in Chechniya, in Kosova, in Kashmir, in Iraq and in other parts of the world where they are facing tyranny and oppression."